Hey, I'm Neil. Ever since these message boards got started I get digitally shit on quite a bit. It's a small price to pay for the opportunity to reach millions of readers. So maybe I am the worst writer for College Humor. So what? There's got to be that one guy right? And anyway, I said maybe.
Now, it's my turn. The following is a list of people that generally annoy me. See if you make the cut:
Girls who say, "You're my BFF" or "Let’s play!" (ladies, you can make a date with a friend without reverting back to preschool). People who refer to the library as the libs. Blatant stoners and drug dealers that wear DARE t-shirts. People that write mushy love notes to their significant other on their Facebook walls. People with trick answering machines ("Hello? (3 second pause) Just kidding, I’m not here right now." Oh really? I am. Thanks for making me feel like an idiot, buddy). Girls who call manicures and pedicures manis and pedis. Hairdressers who have bad haircuts. Women who do their lipstick on a bumpy bus ride. Students who come back from studying abroad with an accent. People who say “I swear we've met before” even though you've never seen them in your entire life. My grandmother. People my age who are married. Girls I don’t know who call me “honey” or “sweetie.” Drivers who give me a signal to go ahead and then honk and give me the finger for “cutting them off.” Dudes at parties with backpacks (seriously, stop home after work. Relax, wash your face, and put your bag down. You’re not helping yourself by carrying around an LL Bean knapsack that has your initials on it). People that sign greeting cards with their dogs name. White people who blast Rap music in their cars but quickly put their windows up when they pull up next to a black driver. Imbalanced couples where the guy or girl is exceedingly more attractive than their partner to the point where it’s painful to look at them together. Your grandmother. People that sing Journey songs on karaoke night at the bar. People who put Bible quotes in their Facebook profile right next to ten pictures of them getting blackout drunk. Girls who wear clothing with writing on it but give you dirty looks when you try to read it. Guys who wear tank tops no matter where they go. People who start conversations with, “I don’t mean to offend you but…” and then go on to say the most offensive thing you’ve ever heard. Girls who talk on their cell phone while running on the treadmill (are you serious? I’ve heard of multi-tasking, but that’s just ridiculous). Guys who say “That’s what she said,” after every sentence uttered (it doesn’t work for, “And then Bill was diagnosed with cancer”). Bouncers at bars who are obviously struggling to do the math making sure a patron is over twenty-one. People who went to private schools but find it appropriate to use the words “ghetto” and “ballin’” in everyday conversation. People that shouldn’t take their clothes off at nude beaches for the benefit of everyone around them, who, oblivious to this fact, let it all hang out. Students majoring in economics who couldn’t tell you the definition of the word economics (I’ve met several). People that bold random text in articles. That dude on the sportscast who never played anything beyond little league but still managed to make it onto ESPN with former pros. Kids that wear t-shirts about the genocide in Darfur that couldn’t point out Darfur on a map. The people from the MTV show “The Hills” (I just don’t like them. I don’t even know why). People who list a band as one of their favorite musical groups when they only know that one song. Girls I went to high school with who end up on Girls Gone Wild (It’s awkward when I run into you on the bus to . Am I supposed to mention that I saw the video or just kind of tread around it? You don’t have to answer. Also I really hope you don’t read this).
I hope we can still be friends. Unless your name is [insert name of commenter I hate later]. Then we can't ever be friends. OK, only if you buy an ice cream cone. Then we can be BFF.