It's Latin Night here on American Idol, and who better to teach these 8 (probable) virgins about being lusty and passionate than Jennifer "Taco Flavored Kisses" Lopez? Speaking of lust, passion, and J.Lo, remember when she played Robin William's teacher in Jack? Me too. And remember how Fran Drescher played his friend's mom, and Robin Williams had to pretend to be the principal so that his friend wouldn't get in trouble or some shit, and then later he was at a bar and Fran Drescher saw him and they were dancing together and she squeezed his butt? Me too. Okay, now do you think that's gross? Because he's really only 10, even though he looks like a 46-year-old half-man-half-wooly mammoth. Some films just never answer the important questions. Speaking of Fran Drescher, wasn't Beautician and the Beast an awesome movie?

1. Melinda – "Sway"
In case America couldn't figure it out on its own, Melinda confesses before she performs that she is totally not sexy. Yeah yeah, we know. Being sexy is for people who aren't good at singing (I'm looking at you, Haley and TimberFAKE). Her dress was adorable, the song sounded really good, Simon didn't like it. I kind of agreed with him. It was probably better than every one else tonight, but it lacked that extra sparkle of fairy dust that brings the magic to Melinda's other performances. Not like it matters any. She could walk out on stage, fart, and walk back off, and she'd probably still get 15 million votes.

2. LaKisha – "Conga"
J.Lo tried to teach LaKisha the proper way to say "conga," which turned out to be futile, but was also stupid. People don't need to be using foreign accents when they say a word that has been adopted into the English language. You don't hear people at Burger King ordering a breakfast croissant with a stupid French accent. Anyway, LaKisha did a pretty good job with the song, although it probably was really easy for her, as Paula pointed out in a single, shining moment of astuteness. What is apparently not easy for LaKisha is finding an outfit that covers more than 12% of her breasts.

3. Chris – "Smooth"
Oh, TimberFAKE, where to begin? I guess all I have to say is that I have never wondered what it would sound like if *Nsync sang this song, but now I know anyway. Thanks for that. Also, I hereby formally invite you to sleep with me in a tent in my backyard, once it gets nice out. We read to each other by flashlight from my treasured copy of Scary Stories 3 and then snuggle in the same sleeping bag if we get too scared about the one where the kid gets locked out of the cabin by his friends and spends all night clawing at the door and they think it's a monster and then in the morning they find him and his head's all bashed in and his fingernails are broken off and stuck in the door. Eeeep!

4. Haley – "Turn the Beat Around"
I just… please, will someone euthanize this girl already? Or at least buy her some pants? Or, better yet, some dignity?

5. Phil – "Maria Maria"
Ironically, Latin Night, the Most Passionate of All Nights, is the night on which everyone seems like they're sort of half-assing it. They all seem kind of secretly bored and indifferent. In LaKisha's case, she just seemed more bored and indifferent than usual, but in Phil's case, the performance was only equally as devoid of life as each of his others, presumably because Phil has AIDS. I'm not even kidding. That would explain his sunken cheeks and sad, sleepy eyes, and weird, inexplicable association with a drag queen. This week I guess his pneumonia is eating away at his vocal chords, because he cracked on a couple of notes. No biggie, he'll be dead soon.

6. Jordin – "The Rhythm is Gonna Get You"
Even my beautiful, sparkly, pretend little sister didn't do all that super awesome tonight. She was one of the best, of course, but she, like everyone else, seemed weirdly bored with the whole thing. I think maybe J.Lo threatened them not to do too well or something, and all they can think about while they're performing is the fear of being slowly beaten to death by Marc "Almost as Emaciated as Phil" Anthony.

7. Blake – "I Need to Know"
Speak of the devil… I kind of hate this song. I kind of hate all Latin-infused pop. Mostly because I don't know how to salsa dance, and I desperately wish that I did know, and Latin-infused pop just reminds me of my various shortcoming as a human being. Blake did a good job, as usual. Maybe he can teach me to dance. I should call him.

8. Sanjaya – "Besame Mucho"
Sanjaya is a motherfucking genius. He can do whatever he wants and no one can touch him, at least not until Haley and Phil are out of here. Tonight he abandoned the "generally sucking at life" route and chose to go for "being really super creepy, like old man serial killer child rapist who lives alone in a cabin in Montana that's decorated with the foreskins of thousands of Jewish babies creepy." Good for him. He pulled it off.

Please, please, please, God, let Haley go home before she does the Dance of the Seven Veils. (I hear they uncover the cooter first.) (OH MY GOD AWESOME IDEA: TimberFAKE can pull off the veil over her girly parts and then everyone can act like it was a part of the act, but like it wasn't supposed to totally expose her, and then 1) we get to see what Butterface brings to the party and 2) she'll get to be on the news for like a billion weeks. Okay maybe that's not SUCH an awesome idea. But still. I miss 2004 and its debauchery.)