Ethan: Let's get right down to business this week: am I the only one who thinks Pacman Jones is a political prisoner? He's every bit the victim Nelson Mandela was.
Amir: This is the most racist act in professional football since probably since Pacman beat up a stripper for picking up his dollar bills. His "Washingtons."
Ethan: Maybe it's a good thing for the NFL that Commissioner Goodell is coming down hard on these guys, but do people watch the NFL because they think the players are paragons of virtue? We've already established that we don't care if they use steroids, so who cares if they hang out in strip clubs with Nelly?
Amir: As long as they don't make me buy his records, I'm fine with it.
Ethan: You know who the real loser here is: lazy sportswriters who like making Pacman/ghost jokes in their headlines.
Amir: I think the takeaway point is: Do not draft Pacman Jones in your fantasy football league. Firstly, he's suspended for the season; secondly, most leagues don't draft individual defensive players. So what's next for Pacman?
Ethan: I think it's only a matter of time before he does something truly bizarre like assaulting the guy who wears the Chuck E. Cheese costume because the animatronic band didn't care when he made it rain. At least that's what I'm hoping.
Amir: That dumb robot drummer mouse had it comin'.
Ethan: The Bengals took a pretty hard hit for losing Chris Henry for half a season, too, though. They already lost Washington, now they're down to two proven receivers unless they can put Chad Johnson's ego in the slot while he's out wide.
Amir: Chad's ego already declared for the NBA draft. How do you think he'll compare to Durant/Afflalo/everybody on Florida?
Ethan: Chad Ford thinks he's got a late-lottery body, great upside, and a lot of wingspan.
Amir: Jay Bilas thinks it should have stayed for another year or two in college and learned from a first rate coach like Coach K.
Ethan: So Durant's officially going to the NBA, which means we have to find another Most Obviously Foregone Sports Conclusion to supplant the debate about whether he'd go. Do you think when Durant declared Rick Barnes called Kentucky and said, "Um, I've changed my mind; I want your job what do you mean, you hired someone else? But you asked me first Okay, well, if anything comes up, call me. I can coach football, too!"?
Amir: Right, because they were so good with him. That's the problem with this new rule, getting a player for a year is almost worse than not getting him at all. Now Texas who didn't even make the sweet sixteen has to learn a whole new system. One not called "Give it to Kevin and Git."
Ethan: I disagree, and I think Texas fans would, too. They got to see Durant play for the whole year, and it's not like Barnes was really running a coherent offense or anything they players will have to un-learn. Like Afflalo's chances in the NBA?
Amir: Yeah. Unlike Durant, Afflalo already has an NBA type body. Imagine Durant trying to guard Carmelo Anthony? Or Paul Pierce? I can't wait until Oden declares for the NBA draft. I really just want to hear him speak. And maybe smile.
Ethan: I can't wait for Afflalo to make his first appearance in an NBA box score with "DNP-Acne" next to his name. Who's winning the NBA playoffs?
Amir: I like Dallas to win, and Avery Johnson to still be disappointed. The Mavericks are so funny how they are downplaying everything. I can't wait for them to sweep the finals and Avery saying "We ain't done nothin' yet. Nothin'. We came into this year with one goal: To three-peat. Anything short of that is a disappointment. I told the guys, don't open those champagne bottles. Act like you've been here before."
Ethan: Mental focus is always a big deal in the playoffs, and if they Mavs can listen to Avery give pep talks in his ridiculous voice without cracking up laughing, they're probably halfway there. This is the year for the Suns, though. I like Amare to come on like a beast and help carry them. Maybe it's a sentimental pick because I think his "Black Jesus" tattoo on his neck is the best in the NBA. The Suns are going to do it this year, and Mike D'Antoni is still going to look like he should be selling you a set of used tires somewhere in Iowa. "These here'n's gots some good tread left on 'em, sir!"
Amir: There is no way in hell the Suns can make it to the finals. You can't win in the playoffs if you don't play defense. Plus, you can't make it to the finals if you can't make it to the western conference finals, and they're going to lose to the Spurs before that. Oh well, that's the price you pay when your center is Kurt Thomas.
Ethan: I'm just hoping the games in San Antonio get snowed out and moved to Milwaukee. Then Phoenix will have a puncher's chance. Biggest baseball surprise so far? Mine is Brad Lidge acting surprised he got yanked from the closer's job after two appearances. Yes, you're right Brad; Phil Garner is completely unjustified not sticking with a closer whose ERA was over 5 last year. Jesus, it's like he would rather win games than be loyal.
Amir: The Nationals won a game last week. At 1-7, they're halfway to to Vegas' over/under for victories in the season. I'm still calling for a push.
Ethan: Sure, it only took the Expos/Nationals 38 years, but they're really hitting their stride in terms of sucking. If only they could re-sign Youppi! to play centerfield. Got an interesting fact for us?
Amir: Here's one I heard on Sunday Night Baseball: What is the most pitches that can be thrown to a batter who never swings the bat?
Ethan: Is the batter Nomar? Because he swings at everything. Otherwise, I'd say six.
Amir: Close. It's actually infinity.
Ethan: I was off by I think also infinity.
Amir: If the pitch hits the unswung bat, it's a foul ball.
Ethan: If only Dusty Baker still managed a team; he'd let one pitcher throw all infinity of those pitches. It's important to finish what you start.
Ethan: Okay, until next week, ready for the hockey playoffs?
Amir: Go Winnipeg! Beat those team!
Ethan and Amir are both co-authors for CollegeHumor's new book "Faking It: How to Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving Yourself." Available in bookstores everywhere or on Amazon now!