Your Typical Bar-goers
Or for those of you yet to go: What to expect…
So it’s Friday night and you and your friends are headed out to the bars. Time for girls to shower and guys to spray extra cologne with the hopes of meeting that someone special later that night. However, the bars can be a scary place if you are not prepared. Luckily for you, I have a fake-ID. I took a trip out to the bars to tell all of you readers what to expect. Using my keen sense of memory as well as making a ton of it up just a minute ago, I was able to record who I saw. I warn you though, if you find yourself not learning while you read this, that probably means you are the person on the list.
First and Foremost
Name: The Regular
Also Known As: THE Regular
-It is almost as though his buttcheeks have embedded themselves into his regular chair, at his regular bar, on his regular night, in his regular corner. If you look really close, you can see his name etched in the cornerstone of the foundation. He knows a little more about the bar than you do yourself. He will be there when you arrive, and still be there when you depart… every time you go to that bar. You know, I wonder if bar regulars are friends with regulars at other bars. I wonder if they know about other bars.
Verdict: I’d say he’s good-for-nothing but that is mean. How about good-for-nothing-except drink tips? That works.
Name: Miss Carmichael
Also Known As: Your 5th Grade English Teacher
-To say that you have forgotten her is like saying you didn’t collect beanie babies. It’s false, and we both know it. And the only way that you would look away from her is if Winnie Cooper was to walk into the bar.
Verdict: Who cares if she goes by “Mrs. Henry Thompson” now for some reason? Start to reminisce. What’s the worst that can happen? Maybe you’ll get a free drink out of her.
DISCLAMER Ladies, you may not expect the same results when approaching former male teachers. I do not want to go into detail, but the word lawsuit comes to mind.
Name: Chad Bro-Chill
Also Known As: Will Do Anything for a Drink-Guy
-With his backwards Cardinals hat and popped collar upon popped collar, Chad can be a riot if taken in doses. He might be hitting on girls if his ultimate goal wasn’t to forget any other goals he might have. Want to see someone eat food off of the floor for a shot? That bar sure could use a shirtless guy dancing around on it. Offer up a drink and Chad will come ready for action.
Verdict: Though his endless knowledge of DMB and Albert Pujols is pointless and monotonous, stick near him, something is bound to happen that will make the night one to remember.
For the Gentlemen
Name: Mandy Harlan
Also Known As: Low Self-Esteem Good Looking Girl
-She looks as though she doesn’t want to be there. Every guy, however, really wants her to be there. Here is the formula for her night: 1) Guy approaches 2) Guy gives compliment 3) Girl chuckles off compliment 4) Awkward pause… … … 5) Guy walks away. Rinse and repeat for the entire night.
Verdict: Guys- You really have nothing to lose by approaching her, she’s not going to embarrass you any more than she has the other seven guys. So why not? Girls- You can probably score some attention from disappointed guys walking away, so make camp near this one.
Name: Cassie Pickmeup
Also Known As: Girl Who Increasingly Grows More Attractive with Every Drink
-There is absolutely no way that guys notice her as they enter a bar. Better looking, but less-available girls often surround her. As the night is progressing and it is obvious you will probably leave alone, she begins looking less like Rosie O’Donnell and more like Eva Longoria. Watch your step gentlemen, this may lead to clingy facebook messages and phone calls when you least want them.
Verdict: Tread softly and carry a big stick.
Name: The Guardian
Also Known As: The Goalie.
-Simply put, she is the goalie for one reason: She prevents anyone from scoring. I know, I know, it’s not your fault she isn’t getting any tonight, I’m sorry. These things just happen. I’m sure she has a great personality. If you make even the slightest move towards any of her friends, she will reject you faster than Patrick Roy.
Verdict: Try and corner the attractive girls while they are away from The Goalie. Also, if you have one, try bringing along that friend who has surprisingly low standards.
Ladies (sorry, this one was harder for me)
Name: Rico Suave
Also Known As: Shades and a Pickup Line
-Ladies you will be able to spot this guy from his dark sunglasses inside, his Dapper-Dan pomade, and the stench of cheese that lingers near him. The second you drift from your Goalie (see above) he will be all over you, wooing you with lines like "Damn girl, you could knock the stuffin' off an egg McMuffin,” or "Is your dad a mechanic, cause you got all the right parts?"
Verdict- No doubt you can use him for a few drinks, but be weary. He will not go away. Ever. Also, giving pity attention to him will only further his idea that he isn’t a sleezeball.
-The Most Obvious-
Name: Birthday Girl!
Also Known As: Birthday Boy!
-Most likely this person is passed out on the floor/On their way to the hospital 17 shots into their 21-for-age-21 endeavor. This doesn’t fare well for them, but hell, it’s past midnight anyways, it’s no longer their birthday.
Verdict- I’d stick close, once they pass out 17 shots in, there is still four more coming. Be quick and they could be yours.