Has your love life lost its sizzle? Are you and your partner simply going through the motions? Did you run out of peanut butter? Then I'm here to help! You can follow these simple suggestions for turning that frown upside-down…and then shaping it into an "o"…or something…yeah, that didn't go well.

Tip #1
Give your partner a Cleveland Steamer!

Get your head out of the gutter! I'm talking, of course, about the Cleveland Steamer, a powerful and efficient carpet cleaner made in Ohio's second-largest city. This machine takes in little energy and packs a powerful punch to stains. It can clean up anything from red wine, to chocolate, to that awful mess you made when you defecated on your partner's chest.

Tip #2
Buy a hooker!

Prostitutes have levels of sexual experience you and I can't even begin to imagine. A 19-year-old prostitute has already been having sex since we were in seventh grade and she broke my heart, that whore! You filthy whore! I digress. The prostitute, or as we'll call her, "Jenny", can teach you and your partner invaluable lessons on sex. If you're lucky, and for a few extra bucks, Jenny will take your partner into the bedroom for some extra one-on-one lessons. Don't worry, it'll get noisy in there, it's all about the learning process.

Tip #3
Cheat!

When the two of you are playing a friendly board game, you should cheat so you can win! For example, if you're playing Monopoly, wait till they turn around, then snatch some $100s from the bank. And if you get caught, it'll just mean your partner will be less surprised when they catch you banging their best friend.

Tip #4
Steal everything your partner owns!

If you want your partner to move in with you, give them no choice! Wait till they leave their place of residence, then sneak in, pile all their worldly possessions into a truck, then drive back to your place and write up an ad on craigslist. Your partner will be so surprised to find they've been burgled of everything they own, they'll be forced to move in with you, where you can slowly turn them into your personal slave. Because that's what true love really is.

Tip #5
Murder your partner!

I'm not joking about this. You actually jumped into a committed relationship? Where'd you get that dumbass idea? You need to get out NOW. Relationships only lead to hardships and torment as you both try to strangle the everliving out of each other. Your partner probably won't be to pleased when you decide to break up with them, so there's only one way out. But you better act fast, because who knows if they're reading this, too.