Hello students of life. There's a lot to report this week involving sex, drugs, and bald pop stars – so let's get to learning, shall we?

First let's get a couple of things out of the way:

1. Don Imus is a wrinkle-y, old player hater with a bad face lift, and he finally got called out for it. Millions of "kind of racist" grandparents around the world are going to bed tonight hugging their radios and crying. [source: DListed]

2. Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole's baby. Howard K. Stern is the mother of all crack-head lawyers. [source: IDLYITW]

Moving on…

OMG you guys! Britney Spears like totally has a crush on a guy who plays basketball and she told her friend and now her friend is going to go tell his friend and then they're all going to go get ice cream together! The guy might even have a girlfriend but Britney doesn't care, she's going to try to HOLD HANDS!!!!
This is all happening right after Britney goes to her AA meeting, picks up her two kids and signs her divorce papers. How is it possible for someone to be a 10 year-old child and a 57 year-old woman all at the same time? [sources: IDLYITW, NinjaDude, WWTDD]

The world's second scariest celebrimom, Madonna, is in Malawi again, window shopping at orphanages. She should do some real good for the people of the small, impoverished African nation and dole out some of her H&M track suits. She may not be able to adopt them all, but she can make them look like total douchebags – for charity, of course. [sources: WWTDD, CelebSlam]

Seeing as the UK kindly took Madonna off our hands, they've sent over one of their own crazies to replace her. Jordan, a British model with boobs the size of Big Ben, has been traipsing around Los Angeles showing off her pregnant belly and nasty husband. Apparently the couple are in LA to promote their new reality tv show on E!, but my hunch is that she's hungry and looking to snack on Posh Spice. [Sources/photo: TMZ, HollywoodTuna]

New couples are popping up in Hollywood faster than a fresh case of chlamydia: Paris is banging a Housewife hunk, Scarlett is snackin' on Alanis's sloppy seconds, and Jake Gyllenhaal is either tappin' a Oscar-winning MILF or his best guy friend. Whichever you find hot. [Sources: Egotastic, NinjaDude, CelebSlam, IDLYITW]

And finally, my favorite blood-covered cheerleader revealed the secret that can save the world. Turns out it's as easy as licking a boob. Hayden Panettiere, you are my bi-curious hero. [source/photo: Egotastic]

Peace out!

[source/photo: DListed]