Sept 15th – Stop calling your friends from home every night.They care as much about the awesome party you went to as you care about their awesome new roommates. Take a deep breath, hang up the phone and refuse to talk to anyone from home until Thanksgiving break. Yes, that includes you parents, too.

Sept 24th – Stop talking to move-in week friends.Don't worry, they were just placeholders for real friends and you were the same to them. No harm, no foul. You can look forward to years of awkward nods in the dining hall with these rejected pals.

Oct 1st – Start feeling out ideas for group Halloween costume.Sure, going as "I'll f-ck anything" Smurf is cool, but showing up with the rest of Smurf village is ten times cooler. Basically, you need to find a group of reliable friends who won't want to split up on Halloween. After all, nobody is going to think one Tetris peice is anything special.

Oct 17th – Kill off your first fictional family member to get out of a test.It's important not to kill off a fake family too soon in the semester. You need to establish a rapport with your professors before you get any sympathy out of him/her. Think about it this way: when some random homeless guy asks you for money you kick him or spit at him, but if that homeless guy was your cousin you'd probably throw him a few cents. Understand?

Oct 18th – First 'Free Day' of the year.I mean, you have to go to the "funeral," right?

Nov 1st – Piece together Halloween night.It's like you and all your friends are detectives trying to solve the Case of the Drunken Adventure. You went out last night dressed as Ron Burgundy but woke up wearing an enormous diaper with half your head shaved. How did that happen? See how many mysteries of the morning you and your fellow gumshoes at the Hangover Detective Agency can solve!

Nov 10th – Put in phone call to high school ex-girlfriend.It's almost Thanksgiving break and you're going to need to get some at home. There's no point in trying to hook up with someone new at home, just go with what you know. But you really should call and let her know that you two will be doing it again when you both get home. Cross your fingers and hope that she didn't get fat like you did.

December 2nd – My birthdayYa know, just so you remember…