I don't know about you guys, but I've been getting a shit-ton of wedding invites lately. Either we're just entering that stage in our lives, or our society is about to enter some dystopian future where fertile women will be a priceless commodity—and no one told me. In either case, at least twice it's forced me to choose between two weddings occurring in different towns on the same day.

So, how do you decide which to attend? In order to address such dillemas, I propose the following ranking system:

1.) Immediate family.
2.) Best friend in which you are involved.
3.) Extended family in which you are involved.
4.) Best friend .
5.) Close friend in which you are involved.
6.) Immediate family of long-time girlfriend/fiance.
6.) Best friend of your girlfriend in which she is involved.
7.) Close friend .
8.) Extended family .
9.) Any other friend or family of girlfriend .
10.) Co-worker .
11.) Acquaintance .
12.) Disliked uncle's third .
13.) Gay not fitting into above categories.
14.) Stranger's (i.e. showed up for Mass and "hey it a !")
15.) Hated rival's (unless you are there to spray paint bride's face).

Move up +5 ranks if:
It is your own .

Move up +2 ranks if:
Open bar.

Move up +1 rank for each of the following:
Tropical or fun location
luxurious hotel or reception
Hot and single bridesmaids and/or lots of hot single friends
accommodations provided
presence of friends or family members that you enjoy seeing
someone present will be spray painting the bride's face

Move down -1 rank for each of the following:
Overpriced cash bar
Cold, muggy, or mosquito infested location
no reception or not invited to reception
ugly bridesmaids or all pretty girls bringing boyfriends
presence of friends or family members you detest.


If there is still a tie once all of the above is factored in, tie goes to the first event with an RSVP or "Save the Date" card to arrive.