Have you ever gone to a dorm party? You know what I mean… a dorm party, 10 to 20 people pack themselves into a tiny suite and play beer pong and flip cup until it gets broken up. It sucks, but every night they start the same way. There’s nothing to do, the bar’s too expensive, no one wants to leave the building, but everyone wants to get drunk. Someone sneaks in an 18 pack, and then makes a couple phone calls. Soon everyone on the floors packed into the room. Whoever lives in the dorm freaks out, but then that girl speaks up. You know the one, she’s that accessible girl, you know, with the curly hair, kinda chunky, really annoying, but not even bangable cause she might be a les. But you or a buddy just want one or two of her friends, so she hangs around, and she’s got really no value except for when she says,

“Everyone, come on. It’s cool! Seriously. I, like, know this guy, he works for public safety. He’s soooo cool. Trust me. He always tells me I can get away with a party, he doesn’t care, really, he said he doesn’t care."

Everyone’s kinda buzzed and that’s all anyone wants to hear. So the party starts in earnest.S omeone might have the smarts to ask “He really doesn’t care, I mean, couldn’t he get fired?” But no one ever listens to this person. No one. Any more protests are drowned out in a haze of beer and crappy hip hop. God, I really hate going to these things. I’ve gone to way too many of these things. Seriously though, they always end the same way. There’s a knock on the door, the drunk kid answers and there’s the public safety guy, red faced and embarrassed, stuttering an apology while he walks in to the room.


The effect this has is incredible. Someone runs, others pretend to be asleep, and one or two people sober up enough to try to explain away all the beer cans. “No, no, this is all from last night, no party happened here. No that guy that ran, he had to go to night class, really. Please don’t write me up, my parents are Catholic.” But then that girl, that girl who swore this wouldn’t happen, she drunkenly stumbles over and hugs the guy, and he start’s talking to her.


“I’m so sorry, my supervisor, he was flipping on me. I was trying to warn you guys, didn’t you hear me? I was outside, crowing, you know what I mean ‘Caw caw’, you know, crowing… yeah, right, just like an eagle. No, you don’t know, come on, that’s the international signal for put away the beer.”


Then someone asks, “Can I just get rid of the beer?”


“No dude, I already saw it. Just, justchillax, alright. Chill and relax, it’s not going to be that bad, I mean you’ll be written up and whatever, but don’t worry, I mean, it’s only 50 dollars, what college student doesn’t have it? I wouldn’t even have come, but my supervisor called while I was in the toilet, you know how it is. We’re still cool right.”


No yeah, we’re great, you know what might of been better. I don't know, turning a blind eye? I never hear the damn "caw caw"! Everyone exchanges a couple awkward fist pounds.The kids who live in the dorm get written up, and then, just to insult them, they have to clean the room up in front of him.While he talks.


“Yo, did you see that girl? She was so drunk. I swear, dude, if I was 10 years younger. Well, she is 18. Tell her I’m working on Monday, alright. No, please. Sweet guys. Seriously, thanks for being so cool. You rock. This sucks, my supervisor, he’s been a dick. You sure we’re still cool?”


And then he hangs out for a half an hour and talks some more. But here’s the kicker. I’ve never, ever, seen the supervisor. There probably isn't even one. He’s just a dick. There, I said it.