Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Horton Hears a Death Star
April 18, 2007
Horton the elephant laughed and he played
By his jungle-side pool, one pleasant May day,
When all of a sudden, he heard a faint
Like the sound of a bottle cap opening up.
When again came the noise, Horton's halt was abrupt,
For just then he realized a speck was what zupped!
Looking at it more closely, he saw it was shiny,
And that it was vast, however much tiny.
On it were robots and doodads and space ships entire,
Sectors and armies: a total empire!
Horton immediately held out a clover
To catch the poor thing before it fell over.
"My name is Horton" he started to to yell,
"Is anyone there? Are you safe? Are you well?"
Up from the speck spoke a man dressed in black
With a just-as-dark cape, and a just-as-dark hat.
He replied with the words: "Fire the laser",
to which little white helpers said "Yes, m'Lord Vader."
And with the greatest of zups was seen a green flash,
and then floating down slowly: Horton's left-most eye-lash.
"Your signals are seen!" Horton said, "Yes, I do notice!"
The Vader cursed loud "He Continues to tote us!"
"No matter how small, I know that you're real!"
Horton declared with remarkable zeal.
The Vader outstretched his hand, and even though so remote,
Clutched with resolve to collapse Horton's throat.
With his grasp gripping, in his glove dark as night,
The Vader did ponder with all of his might.
And after seething so silent for seconds a-few,
He clenched as he roared "
The Vader, in youth, schooled at a special academy,
where he learnt of a force, not Nool-creature anatomy.
And so Horton was fine, and the effort a-bunk,
For the man in the cloak sent a choke to the
Horton sneezed an
with a great burst of sound,
Careening the Death Star to some patches of brown.
"Oh no! What have I done!?" Horton screamed as he harkened.
"What is that stench?!" bellowed Grandest Moff Tarkin.
" croaked the Emperor "
This star is a mess!
Vader knelt on one knee to beg for 'giveness.
"I'm sorry my lord. It is I who have failed thee-"
Cut the shit, Anni
" blurted Emperor P.
I warned you no warp speed we'd never need race.
"Then why did you request it installed, your grace?"
Any more back-talk, and I'll ground you in carbonite.
And off to his room sulked the lost jedi knight.
After reparations were made that sorry-sad day,
A fixed and cleaned star went back far-far-away.
And because of the sobs that echoed forth from Darth's den,
The Nool episode was ne'er spoke of again.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.