Bill and Karen are afiftysometthing couple heading south on US RT 19 en route toUniversal Studios for their bi-annual vacation where they hope to engage in hours of aimless wandering with the exception of a purposeful trip to the gift shop to purchase $200 worth of keychains and mugs. However, Karen's well known weakness for having a "jittery cornhole"will cause the demise of not only the trip; but of Karen's life.
AMITY PINE REST STOP: 1000 YARDS, EXIT LEFT
Bill: (finishing a sentence) that's why I think they do it. Just to rub it in our faces. Don't they read the Bible? It says explicitly that he hates 'em.
Karen: (holding her stomach) Bill, hook this louie.
Bill: What, here? It's 1 AM, we could get murdered and raped out here and no one would hear! Can it wait until we get to that one stop with the Cinnabon and Sbarro. That way I can grab a coffee and a slice while yougrind out one of those world famous drain cloggers. It's only another thirtysome miles.
Karen: (pleading) The jitters, Bill! It's already crowned!
Bill: (spinning the wheel furiously to get off of the exit) Jesus Christ, every damn time. God damn does this place look shady, hurry up.
Karen hastily exits the 1996 Ford Conversion Van and recklessly careens toward the non-descript grey building in an awkward gallop, all the while holding her asscrack gingerly.
Bill: (to himself) Guess I could stand to drop an unowhile I'm here. Wonder what all these trucks are doin' parked here at 1 AM. Dipshits prob'ly don't know that there's hot ziti and Cinnastix a few miles down the road.
Bill exits the van and immediately notices the song "Blowin' Me Up With Her Love" by JC Chasez is blaring from the general direction of the men's room.
Bill: Fuck that, I'm not goin' in there. I'll piss in the woods.
Bill unzips his pants and begins to urinate, and he is interrupted almost immediately by a pat on the back. He turns to see a Pennsylvania State Trooper with a warm smile.
OfficerChet Friendly: That's a quite a hook you got there, buddy.
Bill: (defensively) Fuck off, queer. I know I have a tremendous dong, just ask my WIFE! I've reamed her up the Turdpike so much that she can't hold anything in but Big Bill Hell.
Officer Chet Friendly: (laughing to himself) I know how that goes, I do that to my old lady just to take the edge off until I can make it out here. Come on inside, meet the guys. Either that or I arrest you for public urination. Your choice, Captain Hook.
Bill: (sarcastically) Yeah, think I'll pass. My wife is probably waiting for me.
Officer Chet Friendly: Seriously, I'll take you to the fuckin' station right now unless you come join the party. (much warmer) C'mon, you only have to stop in for a second.
Officer Chet Friendly handcuffs Bill's arms behind his bodyin a single swift motionand guides him toward the bathroom.
Bill: (scared) What are the handcuffs for?
Officer Chet Friendly: (reassuredly) Don't worry, there are plenty of free hands in here. No need to use your own.
Officer Chet Friendly kicks the door in and makes all of the naked bear-likemen inside stop for an instant and look at the officer before realizing that he was a regular who was there to "Top and Pop".
Shitty Hank: Chet! You scared the hell out of me buddy! Who's your friend?
Officer Chet Friendly: (wrapping his arm around Bill) Just another tourist with an absolutely killer kidney pusher. Hook him up with one of those Mike's Hard Pink Lemonades!
Earl "Bear" Bryant: Dibs!
The men in the room let out a disappointing groan.
Bill: (angrily) Jesus, I'm not fuckin'gay! I just stopped because my wife, who is in the car by the way, had to build a log cabin. I swear to god you better not touch me or I'll kill each and every one of you fags!
Officer Chet Friendly: (removing his handcuffs) Alright, you party killing asshole. Take your piss and get the hell out of here!
Bill: Where? All of the urinals are filled with ice and Arbor Mist bottles.
Earl "Bear" Bryant: Use the stall, genius.
Bill: (in a warning tong) Alright, but no one listen to my stream.
Bill walks into the stall and he finds that there is are exposed pipes and no toilet in the stall that he is standing inside. As he turns around to open the door and leave, the door is kicked in by Officer Chet Friendlyand he is again restrained as Shitty Hank pulls down Bill's pants and shoves Bill's penis into a hole into the side of the stall. Officer Chet Friendly is wedged against the wall behind him with his boot on his exposed ass for the purpose of pressing him flat against the hole.
Bill: (screaming) NOOO! Get off of me, GET OFF! QUIT SUCKING ME!
At that precise moment Bill recalled a move he had been taught in the Army to escape situations where he was restrained. He dropped to the floor, rolled to behind Officer Chet Friendly and grabbed his gun. He fired three bullets into the wooden separation wall and ran into the adjacent stall to see what type of homo swine he has slain.
Bill: (in shock) Karen?
Earl "Bear" Bryant: (tearing up) Bill, what the fuck are you doing?
Officer Chet Friendly: (nervously) Man, this was all a set-up! Karen paid us all to do this so she could surprise you! She told us that you needed some excitement and she thought it would be erotic.
Bill begins to laugh
Shitty Hank: (angered) How the fuck can you laugh, you just shot your wife you asshole!
Bill: (still laughing)I know it was a hoax you guys! C'mon, Karen would never take a dump at a dump like this!
Officer Chet Friendly: (inquisitively) So why did you stop here if you knew it was a hoax?
Bill: Well, there are ten naked men in this room and I'm hard as a fuckin' rock. You do the math boys.
Officer Chet Friendly: Oh shit
Bill: Boo, mother fuckers!