Ethan: Let's get right to what we're all thinking: who would win in a Joey Crawford-Tim Duncan fight? I'm thinking anyone who gets to watch it wins.

Amir: First off, if any player gets to fight a referee, I think it should be Rasheed Wallace. He's earned it.

Ethan: How delighted do you think he was to watch everyone in the media pile on the NBA's refs this week? It was almost touching enough to turn his gray patch of hair back to the right color.

Amir: Almost.

Ethan: What was Crawford thinking? Who looks at a seven-foot professional athlete and thinks, "No, I can totally take this guy. Sure, his backup's an entire NBA team, but I've got those plain black shoes that refs wear!"

Amir: Joey Crawford is like a slippery pit bull. Don't you see how wet he gets during the game? It would be like trying to punch a bowling ball dipped in petroleum jelly.

Ethan: I can't imagine David Stern will do anything other than put a bullet in Crawford's brain and dump him in a drainage ditch somewhere near Secaucus. You do NOT embarrass the commish like that.

Amir:
I can't imagine after thirty years of officiating he wants to fight Tim Duncan of all players. The angriest I've seen Duncan get is widening his eyes and looking shocked. And that was when David Robinson couldn't get his lines right during that deodorant commercial. "No, the roses are out Tim, not the daises!"

Ethan: That lawn gnome kept fouling Duncan, and you know it.

Amir:
Now Duncan is hoping the refs dont "have it out" for the Spurs. "I know I got one of your guys fired, but we're cool right?"

Ethan: Most/least interesting first round playoff matchups. Go!

Amir: Most is a tie between Lakers/Suns and Bulls/Heat. And least is a much more boring tie between Nets/Raptors and Jazz/Rockets. I can't believe the Nets or the Raptors will be playing in the second round.

Ethan: Wait, you don't think Wiz-Cavs is going to be boring without Arenas? The games won't be competitive, so they should at least let the Black President do some standup at halftime to keep things interesting. I'd tune in for that.

Amir: I'll watch anything Agent Zero-related. Any upset specials?

Ethan: I don't see any major upsets, but they don't really happen that often in the NBA. The Rockets are seeded lower than the Jazz, though, and they're going to win that series in five games. So that's an upset.

Amir: Here's two: Bulls over Heat. The Bulls dominated the Heat all season long, with and without Dwyane Wade. And the other longshot is The Golden State Warriors over The Dallas Mavericks! Nellie is the only coach with a winning record against the Mavs this season, and lets face it, Avery owes him one.

Ethan: The Warriors over the Mavs? Is Chris Mullin finishing a time machine so he can suit his 1992 self up for the series? You're insane. I'd bet my own beard against Baron Davis' that the Mavs will win it in five. Hell, I'll buy Baron Davis' beard on eBay and wear it all summer if they win.

Amir: Let me have my boys contact him, I think something can be arranged. B. Diddy loves a challenge.

Ethan: As long as he's selling off his body parts, Vince Young might be interested in purchasing something now that he knows he's got the Madden curse on his shoulders.

Amir: LT reportedly passed on the cover, but not because of the curse. What other reason is there?

Ethan: He doesn't mind being cursed, but you gotta show him at least half a mil for it. By the way, Vince Young? That's the best they could do? A Pro Bowl alternate? I can't wait for next year's version to have Mike Furrey on the cover.

Amir: He wasn't just an alternate, he was an alternate's alternate's alternate after Brady and McNair passed. To be fair, it's not really Vince Young, it's just what his computer generated character will look like. Though I hear that CGI graphic now has a torn digital MCL.

Ethan: I question VY's decision-making ability. Not as much as I question the Phillies sending Brett Myers to the bullpen, though. He's their best pitcher! He had two crummy starts, and they decide he should be pitching the seventh inning. What the hell?

Amir: At 4-10 their season is pretty much over. They're doing what any normal team would do in this crisis and start building for the future. They're just a few good draft picks and a couple seasons away from being a contender.

Ethan: Maybe they'll get to draft Oden. If Mark Buehrle can pitch a no-hitter last night, then Brett Myers could still win the Cy Young in both leagues. At once. The only thing less likely than a Buehrle no-hitter would be you throwing a no-hitter. Yes, I know you've been working on a knuckle curve, but it's still hittable!

Amir: How trailer trash-tastic was drenching him in beer after the game? The thinking mans champagne.

Ethan: It was either that or have Bobby Jenks pick him up and eat him. Got an interesting fact for us?

Amir: Let's cut right to the chase on this one. Jimmy Rollins was in several MC Hammer music videos in the 80's and 90's.

Ethan: That actually makes me like cheering for the Phillies again. What do you think about the NHL playoffs?

Amir: Have a good week everybody!