Hey high school seniors! Well, its that time of year to start thinking about how much your life is going to change when you go off to college. I’m here to tell you how much your relationship will change if you and your girlfriend go to different schools. Luckily, I have a lot knowledge on this subject.

If your girlfriend goes to school in the Northeast:


Your girlfriend will change, drastically. She’ll keep in touch for the first month of school, but then less frequently as she says she needs to attend “Art House Films” and “Poetry Slams”. She’ll start dressing only in black and write a play about the government. She’ll leave you for a French exchange student named “Jacques” who posts on a blog and smells a little bit like sperm. She’ll come back for Christmas break converted to Judaism and will smoke expensive cigarettes.

If your girlfriend goes to school in the Midwest:


She’ll spend the weekends going to bro-infested frat parties with guys that have names like “Colton” and “Dakota”. Letters from a strange alphabet that you don't understand will start having a lot of meaning to her. She'll dump you for someone who owns more sets of loafers than you own shirts.

If your girlfriend goes to school in Wyoming:

She’ll be found hanging in her closet, a note left on her bed saying you were the reason she came to this godforsaken, boring place. She'll also maintain that Brokeback Mountain was a poignant film for our generation. When you see her at Christmas break…wait, nevermind

If your girlfriend goes to school in the South:

She will bang the whole football team. When you see her at Christmas break, she will walk with a limp. Hate you, Tracy.

If your girlfriend goes to school in Southern California:

She’ll start using awkward slang words in phone conversations such as “Bra” and “Hella”. She’ll start dating a surfer guy named Brock who has probably said maybe 200 words in his lifetime. She’ll say that she met Tom Cruise’s assistant and also dozens of reality stars. When you see her at Christmas break, she’ll want you to read her screenplay. It will actually be really good. That bitch.