Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
God Blog VII
April 24, 2007
: My creation unfold before Me
Ugh, I'm so behind on My floods. I was supposed to flood Tennessee last week and I totally flaked on it! But it's not like I can just up and flood it today because that would make all the weathermen be like "whaaaaa?" I like letting them think that "science" is in control.
Oh, speaking of
?s, I was watching old episodes of the Smurfs and I was getting totes confused because I thought Gargamel wanted to eat the Smurfs. But then in some episodes he wants to make gold out of them. I guess it's both? If I wasn't so busy I would bring him to life and ask him.
Sometimes I'll go a whole day without brushing My teeth and not even realize it. I know you probably think that's gross, but it happens. I wake up at the crack of Ǿ and have the worst taste in my mouth. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it's like a mix of eggs and temptation. Anyway, I like to have a tall glass of nectar just to get the taste out but then it's 'make the sun rise,' 'do the morning tides,' blah blah blah and I forget to brush. I have to be better about that, last time I got a cavity it eventually developed into the concept of greed. My teeth are made from the souls of the saints, so it was pretty gross.
Man, nothing makes Me feel better than making Gabriel look like a dick. We were playing a pickup game of Flarritus down on the Plains of Morality and Gabriel was on my team (don't ask how someone whines like a bitch when he doesn't get picked). So we're playing a decent game against the Sprites and Sirens when Gabriel gets the Flarr for the first time the whole game. I'm wide open, right next to the hllal and I'm yelling at him, "Gabe! Gabe! Pass the Flarr! I'm open!" But you know him, he wants to be the Angel of Flarritus too. Of course OF
he loses the Flarr and long story short I have to take four penalty swings. It was the first time we ever had to invoke the infinity runs slaughter rule. So our team had to buy the beer, which of course Gabriel didn't chip in for. He's like "Why don't you just will the beer into being" and I'm all "That's not the point!" It's like, you wonder why no one wants you on their Flarritus team and then you pull shit like this. I swear to Me, if he finds out about our Xiidi game next week I'm going to be
Update on the
ground ice thing I was thinking about a few weeks ago
. I decided to make a new class of wave instead of the ground ice. It's a lot less work and it can destroy just as many dwellings. The first one will around 2072. I don't want to spoil where, but here's a hint everyone there is already poor. Call it a "Tyranowave" if you want to be cool and a "Class 17 tidal wave" if you want to be a herb.
If there was one animal I could go back and unmake it would be slugs. Seriously,
I tried that
juice or whatever it is the other day? Meh. Plus, all that stuff about antioxidants being in it is all bullshit. Antioxidants aren't even real. Like trans-fat. That's not real, either. Neither is love.
Got a new phone the Blackberry 8800 or something. It's deece. I get a crap service up here but when I assume the form of a New Jersey teenager from time to time the service is ill.
I like playing poker but not when I play with people who take it really seriously. It's like, lighten up, Azeruas, I'm going to win anyway! Just enjoy the ride.
Am I jealous I don't have wings like the angels do? Nope. Are they jealous that I could erase their entire existence with a hint of a thought? Yup!
wants to Know: "God, can you suck your own dick?"
Good question, Jerry! If I had one I suppose I could. Instead, the area of my body where a dick would go is filled with a great rod of justice with which I measure the sins of men. Thanks for writing in, Jerry. Me be with you.
asks: "I know You love everybody and everything, but what's Your take on atheists?"
Atheists are practical jokes the angels play on Me from time to time. They're harmless, although they all burn in hell for all eternity when they die. Thanks for writing, JBogs. Me be with you.
writes: "Who would You like to see play You in a movie?"
Good question, Justin. In terms of who looks the most like Me, that'd be Joey Lauren Adams (but, ya know, a guy version and made of energy). I actually invented Mr. T with the sole purpose of having him play Me in a movie one day, but we could never find the right director for the project. When it comes to talent, I'd like to see Ed Norton play Me. He was so bad ass in Fight Club, imagine what he could do as God! Thanks for writing, Justin. Me be with you.
If you have a question for God, send Him a CollegeHumor Message.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.