This week is apparently Footage of Simon and Ryan Choosing Which Foreign Baby to Adopt to Raise as Their Own Week. Really it's some stupid special Idol Gives Back bullshit, which I am clearly really happy about. I don't care about donating money, I really, really don't. I just want to get on with the singing. Isn't that what we're all here for? Right? Please?Oh yeah, and Bono was apparently their mentor, and PRAISE JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR that I didn't have to deal with him. After all these GAP ads and the AIDS iPod and a really unfortunate incident I had at the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame in 2003, I'm really pretty sick of Bono. I probably would have broken my TV with a shoe heel if I'd had to endure him talking about how Phil Stacey's singing is going to put food in children's bellies. 1. Chris "Change the World"I wouldn't call myself an Eric Clapton fan, per se, but I do think it's pretty cool that he's from England or Ireland or wherever (no need to look it up, I'm sure I'm close with the geography), and he still stole the shit out of the delta blues and made, like, "Crossroads," and "Sunshine of Your Love," and whatever. He's a good musician. As soon as TimberFAKE started singing this, I realized that his voice isn't nearly sexy enough, and I couldn't help but hate the performance. With a sexy voice (and not that Eric Clapton has a sexy voice, really, but it's a lot smokier than Chris "Penny Whistle" Richardson's. Oh well. The judges ate it up, but I think that TimberFAKE doesn't have a lot of time left in this competition. Then again, no one does, really. 2. Melinda "There Will Come a Day"Finally, something that sounds a little gospel-y. I realize this is a
Faith Hill? song (some country woman), but Melinda was able to make it sufficiently black sounding so that Simon didn't have to get all up in her bid'nass about how black girls shouldn't belt out country songs because they don't know how to lasso or whatever. I forget what his actual problem with it is. Probably not good for marketing. Anyway, Melinda is still rockin awesome, in case you were worried.3. Blake "Imagine"Blake looked really cute tonight. I think it was the combination of new hairstyle and "I know this is going to suck just because it's 'Imagine' and everyone can sing this song and everyone does and it's never as good as the original, especially not in the eyes of these judges." I'd go as far as to say that tonight was perhaps Blake's best vocal performance ever, in so much as that this was just a straight vocal, and he didn't fuck it up at all, really. However, he's been getting a little boring lately. What's the good of naming a song "Imagine" if you don't get to imagine new ways of producing it? Nothing. No good at all. Anyway, what I was thinking while I was watching this was, "Blake really should have sung 'The Rainbow Connection.' That would have been awesome." And, really, would it not have been? 4. LaKisha "I Believe"Poor poor LaKisha sucked sooooo much this week. I mean, she looks bored all the time, like she's struggling to force her mouth to form the words because she's just so tired and apathetic and whatever. She messed up some notes, it wasn't that great, fine. The worst part was that the judges, for the most part, ignored what was actually wrong with her performance and played the old "It's not you, necessarily, you're fine, you're just not ____(insert name of big screamy famous female singer here)___" card. Lame. She's probably going home this week.5. Phil "The Change"Obviously Phil had to mention the Oklahoma City Bombing when he was talking about this song. Okay, when did that happen? 1995? A DOZEN years ago? What next, Mr. Stacey? Trail of Tears? I guess Phil ran out of recent tragedies to exploit to get sympathy or empathy votes. That's probably fine, though, because he's been sounding better lately. And by "better," I mean, like, it seems like he found a fresh batch of hosts to suck the blood out of so he can continue on his quest for immortality and eternal youth. Dude looks like a vampire. A vampire with advanced HIV disease. 6. Jordin "You'll Never Walk Alone"It was pretty good, I guess. I think tomorrow night is some bullshit mega concert benefit show, and it's going to last two whole hours (minus 37 minutes of commercials). I think
Keira Knightly is going to show up? Maybe Kelly Clarkston? Maybe Gwen Stefani will make a triumphant return. I seriously haven't been paying attention to this aspect of the show. It will be quite the surprise for me.