Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Hell Week at the most Mean-Spirited Frat in the World
April 25, 2007
Twelve pledges stand at the lobby of a frathouse looking weak, pale, and dejected. The Pledgemaster stands in front of them all. He is pacing.
You guys have been sleeping on our front lawn for a week now. No showers, no food, no friends. Just the brotherhood. You've earned enough respect for us to take you through hell week.
I thought that was hell week.
Leave. Congrats to the final ten of you.
There's eleven of us.
Goodbye. Welcome to the real final ten.
Everybody starts clapping.
Hell week is gonna be brutal. There's no doubt about it. Point blank: Hazing sucks. But don't worry: No gay stuff. No forced-drinking.
Calvin. You're being very talkative today. Why don't you take out your cell phone and have a nice little chat with your mother. Call her and tell her that your little sister has been in a car accident.
I don't have a little sister, sir.
Then Rory, call Calvin’s mother and tell her that her precious son is dead.
Rory begins dialing.
What's her number?
What's wrong Calvin, don't you want to join the phattest parties next semester? Sweet friends and cheap booze?
No. I do. I totally do. It's just that can I call her right after and tell her it was a joke?
You can call her at the end of Hell Week.
Umm. Okay. 510-4999.
Pledge Rory's dialing.
Leave a message.
Hey Mrs. Calvin? This is Rory. I'm in the same frat as your son. He died this afternoon. Alcohol poisoning. Bye.
That was very presumptuous of you Rory. You and Calvin are not in the same frat yet. Calvin has earned his keep, but you haven't done shit.
Pledge Calvin smiles.
Rory. Call your grandmother and ask her for $10,000
. When the money arrives I want you to take a video of you setting it on fire and send it back to your grandmother with the note: Thanks for nothing, Old Bitch.
This is absurd. You guys are so mean.
Excuse me. Pledge Franklin. You realize other frats would make you eat chocolate until you puke. Walk around naked and spill beer on you.
Yeah, that's fine. I'd rather eat chocolate than embarrass my grandmother. Or convince my own parents that I was dead! I mean you guys are insane!
Would you like to join Alan and Ben? Or do you want to get on the
list to our sweet ass Wonka party this spring?
I mean I guess I want to stay. It's just, this is, getting a little crazy is all.
Franklin. Look one of your co-pledges in the eye and break their knee. It could be anybody. Sacrifice one for the good of nine. The brotherhood will grow strong. The knee will then heal faster with the strength of solidarity.
No. Absolutely. No way.
Pledgemaster approaches Pledge Franklin. He gets nose to nose with him.
You realize all pledges get the sweetest dates to every mixer. Plus they get to rotate being bouncers at our Winter Bikini Party.
I'm sorry. I can't do that. I wouldn't even know how to, sir.
Pledge Franklin walks away.
Sounds like one of your "brothers" isn't very committed to the brotherhood.
Silence befalls the room. The mood is sullen.
My buddy said his frat made him finish three gallons of ice cream. He said it sounds delicious but it was pretty horrible after a while. Can't we just do that? You choose the flavor.
Ice cream? This is Hell Week, pledge. Not 31 flavors. But here's one: Cookies n' Call your girlfriend and ask her to marry you. Tell her you never loved anybody like you love her and that you want to prove it to her by making a promise. A promise to be hers forever. Tell her that every moment you spend with her makes you realize more and more how empty your life would be without her. Then, don't talk to her again until hell week ends, explaining that this whole thing was a practical joke for the brotherhood.
Can I just do the mom thing?
I don't know if I can do that. I've been with my girlfriend for three years now, I don't want to mess things up.
Two words for you: Chicken Nuggets. Every Tuesday. As many as you want, as long as its not more than ten. Plus we're probably getting a Wii.
I can't. I'm sorry. I know this frat is awesome but I can't do that to my girlfriend.
Nobody has ever refused the brotherhood.
Not true, Franklin just left 5 minutes ago because
Pledge Franklin comes running at Victor's legs at full speed. Victors knee bends backwards and a loud snap is heard. Pledge Victor is on the floor writhing in pain, yelling as loud as he can, his leg below the knee is going in the wrong direction
Everybody take five. This is going to be a long week. When we reconvene, I want everybody to get ready to upper deck some urinals at the childrens hospital.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.