You know that scene in The Princess Bride when Buttercup is dreaming that she's married to Humperdink, and she's dressed all pretty and walking out of the castle into the crowd, and everyone is cheering except for that one old hag who's going, "Bow to her, Princess of Garbage! BOOOOO! BOOOO! BOOOOOO!" and the camera zooms in on her face, mangled with age, and it makes you shudder? Well, that old lady was me at my TV last night, specifically during the last five minutes of this show, but really also the whole time. It sucked.

I'm basically so disgusted by it that I don't want to talk about most of it, but the important thing is that at the end, Jordin and Chris were left waiting to see who would go home. And everyone is dressed in these bright white suits, like Morgan Freeman as "God" in Bruce Almighty or a lesbian at her commitment ceremony or something. And I'm pissed off, not just because I like both of them, but because really, how could Jordin possibly be in the bottom two? That's bullshit right there. Anyway, Seacrest tells them that they're both safe, because why would they send someone home during a show about charity and being good people? Geez, I dunno, because that's what happens on this program? Maybe? Everyone is happy forever until he announces that two people will get the ax next week, and then they're just happy for a little while.

Oh, American Idol, what trickery will you dream up next? On the plus side, they resurrected Elvis to perform tonight, which means that this has been the single most important musical event in the past, like, 45 years. Good for them.