I have believed for the longest time that the only reason human beings hate each other for stuff like race, religion, and having a mullet, is because this planet is so cramped. Let's face it: we haven't had a major epidemic like the Plague in a while, and frankly it's just getting a little crowded.
Luckily for us, the solution for all of Earth's problems is not too far off. Yesterday, scientists confirmed the discovery of the most Earth-like planet yet. It's called 581c and it's 1.5 times the size of Earth. So it's looking pretty good that we might have a new place to inhabit once this planet goes to shit.
Here are the reasons that 581c will solve all of our problems here on Earth:
1) Global Whating?: With a guaranteed new place to stay, there is no need to keep blabbering on and on about global warming and saving the rainforest. Hey, Al Gore, I bet you feel pretty silly now huh? Now that we have a new planet and all. Oh you think you're so great with your little Oscar? Guess what? Everyone on 581c there thinks you're a total dweeb.
2) More Starbucks!: Everyone loves a good four dollar coffee. With a whole new planet we can build thousands, maybe even millions of new Starbucks. And with more Starbucks we might not have to wait forty-five minutes for a Chai Latte. Of course, we won't want to have to much earthy merchandise. That's kind of tacky. Just a Phil Collins CD. He's very popular on 581.
3) Kickass Party: Since we'll only be on Earth for a little while longer it's basically attained "last-night-at-the-hotel-room" status. It's ready to get trashed. Which means we can throw the biggest, most kickass Earth party ever.
There are a few minor setbacks:
1) There may or may not be water there. But honestly, who cares? We'll pretend we're in Mexico and just bring enough Poland Spring to last like 50 years.
OK, I'm glad I sold you on this plan. I'll see you on the shuttle bright and early tomorrow morning.