The Obnoxious Fat Guy Fart: Potent enough to clear a ballroom and powerful enough to part your hair, the OFGF is the industry standard for all farts. This is one emission that cannot be blamed on the dog, who is lying dead in the corner, with neatly-parted hair.
Typically Heard During: Any activity whatsoever. Church, funerals, sporting events, first dates… It doesn’t matter, when this one needs to clear some room, it’s going to.
The Fat Girl Fart: Usually accidental and embarrassing, the FGF is nonetheless incredibly foul and hilarious. One of the few phenomena in the world that can actually make a fat girl less attractive.
Sounds Like: Thrrrrribap! Bap!
Typically Heard During: Roughhousing/Physical Exertion. Tickle fights, Indian leg wrestling, energetic sex… Why are you looking at me like that? Dude, I just heard that somewhere, seriously. Oh fuck you, man…
The Revenge Fart: Generally known only in male circles, the RF is a fantastic way to fulfill your oath of vengeance for various sleights against you. Be warned, however: what goes around comes around, and the RF may be cruelly discussed in front of prospective mates.
Sounds Like: Pssssst.
Typically Heard During: Long car rides in cold weather. Once released, the RF becomes a viscous-yet-oddly free-floating ethereal substance that attaches itself to the inner nostril and will not relinquish control over the atmosphere of the car.
The Kinda Cute Girl Fart: The most irresponsible and ill-fated of all farts, the KCGF is meant to ingratiate the KCG with her male friends. Usually executed with a girlish scrunching of the nose and hiking of the leg, this fart is one of the only sure-fire repellants of drunk men.
Sounds Like: FIIIIIIRT!
Typically Heard During: Tailgate parties and campouts. The KCG is slightly intoxicated and more-than-a-little lonely, so she feels that joining in a rousing game of blowing ass with the boys is a good way to gain positive attention. This is not a smart move, KCG.
The Gay Guy Fart: The homosexual variant of the KCGF, the GGF is actually more effective at gaining a straight man’s admiration. Once the GG lets one off, the guys around him will generally relax and think of him as just “one of the guys.”
Sounds Like: (koooooooooosh)
Typically Heard During: Hanging Out With The Guys/Sex. Seriously, dude… I just heard it from someone. Why do you have to be such a dick?
The Super-Hot Girl Fart: Thought to be mythical by male flatulence scholars, the SHGF is the Yeti of all farts. Many have heard stories, but none have given proof.
Sounds Like: Unknown. Possibly wind-chimes and blue jays.
Typically Heard During: The instant before you die, when all mysteries become known.