Good Deeds Everyone Should Do:
-Don’t just give change to the poor, give kisses.
-Read books for the blind. Feel books for the fingerless.
-Become an organ donor but not just so your bookie will stop punching you in the kidneys.
-At a children’s hospital, put on a puppet show about diseases, but don’t put ‘death’ in the title more than twice.
-Call the Make-a-Wish foundation and wish for a thousand more wishes, all of which will be used to fund expeditions searching for a genie: a genie to send you to Disneyland.
-Do a good deed for every person you’ve killed.
-Participate in a canned food drive: tin can phones are the
-Abandoned animals deserve respect too: you may ride them, but don’t wear spurs.
-Donate any organ you have two or more of.
-When you help old ladies cross the street, don’t take a thank-you of over $40.
-When you get angry, always ask yourself, “What would Jesus shoot?”
-Make citizens in third world countries feel better by talking about fourth world countries where food’s plentiful but nobody can have moms.
-For every dollar you make, donate 30 cents to your alimony.
-Teach an orphan a trade, like quieter weeping.
-When you are ringing bells for the Salvation Army, dress up like a hunchback and keep saying, “These bells don’t ring themselves.”
People love that.
-If you see a stranger’s expired parking meter, report it immediately. The law is the law, Good Citizen.
-Know a shut-in? Destroy his house.