Dear applicant,

Thank you for applying to Prestigious Liberal Arts College. Actually, forget I said that. I’m kind of annoyed you wasted my time. I’m a very busy, important person, and every application is ten more minutes that I’m unable to spend laughing at poor people. I’d really like that time back.

Did you really think you had a shot of getting in? Come on man, you’re a white able-bodied male. Do you know how silly I’d look with you on the cover of our brochure? I’d be laughed out of the yacht club. White guy on a brochure! Jeez, do you have no concept of marketing?

While your A-minus average and community service might have impressed some people, I just don’t feel that you’re Prestigious Liberal Arts College material. Look at the picture you sent us. You’re not even wearing a button down shirt under your sweater! How do you expect to pop your collar without having one?

Your father didn’t even go here. What kind of a jerk applies to a school their father didn’t go to? A jerk with no collar under their sweater, that’s who. You also remind me of someone I didn’t like in college and I’m projecting that on you. I have that kind of power because college admissions is basically a crap shoot, and the school doesn’t really care who I let in as long as we get your application fee.

Speaking of fees, you owe us a stamp. We’ll mail you an invoice shortly. You’ll have to pay for that stamp, too.

And might we suggest a two year school? Like Jonathan Martin Smith College of Agricultural Studies and VCR Repair. We hear they have a great majors, like Math, English, and Walmart Greeter.

Unless your family wants to donate money. Then we’ll see you at orientation.

Thank you,
Useless Prick With Too Much Power