You can see them on national TV every day of the year, selling fatty foods to the world. But what else do they have in common? They're both filthy perverts! Let's see how they stack up.



Ronald McDonald

The King
Children's Entertainer Occupation Monarch
Children Target Sleeping adults
Witnessing some sort of Michael Jackson-esque magic show Victims' benefits? The most important meal of the day
"I love children. I just love the children! Sometimes they want to watch me do magic tricks, and that's great. Sometimes they want to help me build a fake house with that purple blob I live with, and that's wonderful, too!" What do you have to say for yourself? Silently offers interrogator Crossainwich w/ Egg and Cheese; interrogator declines.
Lures victims with promises of greasy food and toys Method of attack Lunesta, Ambien, flunitrazepam
"I don't know what kind of a stupid question that is…it's Ronald, obviously. Ronald McDonald…why would you think it's anything else? I have nothing to hide! The children love it here!" What is your real name? Upgrades previous offer to Crossainwich w/ Sausage, Egg, and Cheese; interrogator finds bribe too delicious to resist.

He's been around longer than most age-of-consent laws. In his defense… This Crossainwich is delicious! Seriously, you can get this quality product from minimum wage workers? (The King nods silently) I have got to look into that…
Guilty. Now if you'll just come with—where'd he go? Goddamn magic clown! Verdict Absolutely delicious. You're free to go.