Expensive cars. Exotic locales. Money raining from the sky. Some guy just kind of standing around, not really contributing to the song. All of these elements are pillars of modern rap music videos. But this divine art form is nothing without its foundation – the bitches. If behind every great man there is a great woman, behind every true rap artist there is a group of bikini-clad bitches.

In many cultures, the word ‘bitches’ is considered to be derogatory. In fact, Merriam-Webster defines ‘bitch’ as “1: the female of the dog or some other carnivorous animals, 2 a : a lewd or immoral woman b : a malicious, spiteful, or overbearing woman — sometimes used as a generalized term of abuse 3 : something that is extremely difficult, objectionable, or unpleasant 4: a complaint.” (). However, none of these definitions apply to the ass-shaking valkyries of such hits as “Naw Meen” and “Can U Werk Wit Dat”. The subtle differences between talking about “yo’ bitches in da hood” and calling that hostess from The Olive Garden last night “a total bitch” create an incomprehensibly strong dichotomy between the two groups. In the rap spectrum, you can never have enough bitches, and their presence is always welcome.

It is also important for one to understand that bitches aren’t interchangeable with hoes. Why else would rappers reference both bitches and hoes in the same work? If these words were synonyms, one could encompass the entire group. While both bitches and hoes have similar styles of dress, and sometimes appear so similar to the point of being indistinguishable to the untrained eye, they are quite dissimilar. Hoes have an implied disloyalty- they are products of the street, any rapper can ‘Smack That’. Bitches, on the other side of the spectrum, are always there when needed. Is a bitch needed to grind up on the artist mid-verse? No problem. Who’s going to gas up the Cadillac while Redman and his cronies smoke a blunt on the corner? Bitch number seven has it covered. Is the Hummer washed? Bitches two and four did it while wearing stripper shoes three hours ago. In a sense, bitches are the interns of the rap universe. They aren’t paid for their services, but they realize they are being compensated in a much more valuable way. Hoes, while they may be entertaining for “fuckin’ wit’ while yo’ wit’ yo’ boys”, are nowhere near the caliber of women that bitches are.

Now that it has been clarified what bitches aren’t, it is necessary to explore what qualities true bitches possess. Primarily, bitches must know their place. While it is perfectly appropriate for bitches to bump and grind on yachts, gyrate in mansions, dance in clubs, seductively recline by pools and beaches, and shake it in random parking lots, there are certain situations where the bitches should not be in attendance. Young Jeezy explained to the world that “…we trap all day, play all night, dis is da life of a go getta.” Rappers are busy people. They have cops to run from, tattoos to get, and gigantic chains adorned with seemingly nonsensical phrases to buy. It is asinine to think that they would have to round up all their bitches every time they go Lamborghini shopping. The bitches place – akin to the model Victorian woman’s – is in the home and at social events exclusively. Yes, it would be nice to have Candy and Pernice tag along for the drug deal next week – but you have to look professional. One’s bitches are better suited to be doing chores at home like serving one’s homies large quantites of courvoussier or washing your cars windshield with their soaped up breasts rather than interfering with business affairs.

Bitches are a product of diversity. In Ludacris’ epic “Pimpin’ all over the world”, it was demonstrated that bitches were not restricted to one specific nationality. That’s right – today’s world is one where Monique dances right next to Ashley, Sasha, and Cho. They aren’t restricted to any shape and size – some rap stars prefer leaner women, while others elect to be in the company of those with a “badonkadonkin’ booty.” Bitches also aren’t constrained by one stereotypical wardrobe – while bikinis and low cut dresses are staples of typical bitch attire, bitches sometimes show their versatility in dress – from playing it casual with short skirts accompanied by trucker caps, to the more recent trend in dressing up formally as a throwback to old gangster movies. Some speculate that because these accommodating individuals can adapt to any situation, our nation’s leaders should have at least a minimum of three bitches to help our image abroad. If French kings of yore could boast mistresses, why can’t Chief Justice Roberts get a few press photos with Missy and Shawna before he rules on the constitutionality of euthanasia?

The key quality of bitches is their perfect rhythm. Bitches can be perfectly synchronized in their movements with little effort. When they focus their dancing energy to its fullest potential, its greatness is blinding. Every movement appears to be a carefully calculated graceful extension of the beat. Da Vinci painted the visage of the Mona Lisa while delicately employing his brush, Michelangelo shaped David with the greatest care, and bitches made Akon’s “I Wanna Love You” a visual masterpiece by humping folding chairs. With each swing of a bitches’ hips, one gets closer to heaven. Artists are discouraged to have synchronized bitches for the duration of their video because the average person cannot handle such artful displays.

Since rap music’s inception, bitches have come a long way. In 1992, Dr. Dre once rapped that “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks” in his acclaimed work ‘Bitches Ain’t Shit’. But due to the significant strides bitches have made recently, he couldn’t get away with such flagrantly fallacious material today. While bitches are still greatly underappreciated, they have become more and more recognized as legitimate contributors to rap. Bitches regularly lip sync verses, and are occasionally given vocal parts in the chorus, typically repeating the song title seductively. Even more impressive is the fact that an entire musical group of bitches, known as The Pussycat dolls, has gained independence as well as wild popularity. These individuals have done for bitches what Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Lucretia Mott did for women in the mid nineteenth century.

Centuries later, our ancestors will study rap videos and immediately understand that Bitches were the foundation for the culture. They will see that Petey Pablo’s fingers must have been tired from making gang signs so much, and there was no way the chores at home would get done without Cherry, Tonya, or Angelique. The Lamborghini in the front driveway’s paint would dull, the double-sized pool would have a plethora of dead animals floating in it, and the 367 pairs of basketball shoes would never get organized. Not only that, but when video editing technology is employed, it will be apparent that Nelly doesn’t look nearly as good in the chorus without being sandwiched by two buxom bitches. But alas, society has yet to fully recognize bitches’ contribution to rap culture. For now, these majestic maidens of dance will remain unsung heroes – the only thing they can do is keep shaking, bouncing, bumping, and grinding for future generations to keep the dream alive.