Now I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, AIM is a great tool for talking to my buddies who are in the same room and setting up random one night stands with girls I meet on myspace, how could this great marvel of modern man do anything to piss you off?” And indeed those are two very useful ways AIM can be used, but let’s face it, for every smooth AIM operator like myself, there are about 25 Fucks who live and breathe on the damn thing.

As in the title, this article will explain all the things that people do on AIM that piss me off. You can read it if you’re not too busy checking your buddies’ away message for the 50th time. It’s not gonna change dumbass! BigJohn234 is still eating his grandma’s delicious turkey dinner then heading to the local hot spot to smoke cigarettes and scribble in his book of feelings!

Away Messages- I especially enjoy the people who put up an away message that explains in great detail what they are doing. For example: “It’s morning so I am getting up, jacking off, taking a shower, drying off, wiping my ass with my roommates towel, eating breakfast. I’ll be back in 32 minutes 37 seconds. Leave a message and maybe I’ll see it. If it’s that important call my cell. If my cells not working call the house phone. If that doesn’t work just stop on by.” Hey Ass Clown! No one really cares about your meaningless days agenda. Oh and the added humor about wiping your ass with your roommates towel, priceless. I’m sure his butt dart loving ass will laugh quite heartily when he sees it. And I will laugh quite heartily when you two leap froggers find out I’ve been sleeping with both of your moms! At the same time!

Another set of classic away messages that I despise are the ol’ “I have no friends so I’ll put up an away message that show my pain and strife and maybe, just maybe someone will want to hang out with me“ pity routine. These can be shown in many different ways, such as “Watching a movie, come join me,” or “I’m bored! Give me a call.” These are just to name a few and the more I list the more pathetic they become. Hey maybe if you all weren’t such losers, your friends would already be over watching 13 Going on 30 with you and perhaps if you didn’t suck so bad at life you’re “friends” wouldn’t all tell you they were doing homework but instead they were all hanging out at the bar. You know why you’re bored? Because you weren’t invited. Save the pity for your mom, loser. She might be too tired to feel sorry for you though, seeing as I just had sex with her.

And finally, what better way to ruin someone you’re pissed at’s reputation, than telling everyone on your AIM list? Your boyfriend cheated on you? Awwwwwww try, “You’re such an asshole Pete. Thinking about how I’m gonna continue my life over a bowl of ice cream.” That’ll teach that two-timing son of a bitch and as an added bonus, all your guy friends, who have been secretly in love with you all this time, will instantly IM you asking if there’s anything they can do to make it better. But beware what you write, once you belittle Pete, everyone who has your name on AIM will know what an asshole he is and his life will be ruined. Hey he might even kill himself. Oh wait no. He’ll still be getting ass from the girl he cheated on you with. Sorry whore!

Showing that you’re mad at someone is also an easy attention getter. Even if you’re not really mad at anyone try this, “I can’t believe you did that, I thought we were friends.” Now everyone on your list who sees this will think “Could I be the one he’s mad at?” They will most certainly IM you to see what this message is all about. Don’t be surprised if you return to 20 messages all saying “Was it something I did?” Also, don’t be surprised if your mom’s expecting a child. I expect these bitches to have condoms when I get there Dammit!

Yeah, so that’s about it for the away messages. I mean I’m sure there’s plenty of other ones that piss me off but I think that about covers it for now. Kind of like the covers your mom and I throw off your bed when we’re having sex. Oh now I’m beating a dead horse. Well, maybe I’m doing that and having sex with your mom at the same time or maybe it’s a threesome with the dead horse. Either way, come back next week when we move on to the dreaded AIM users info!