Articles from Yale

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As if finals weren't bad enough...

by Dan Amerman May 08, 2008

So this has been a pretty crappy week for everyone because of finals, but I feel like God has been especially pissed at me recently. Nothing seems to be going my way. I figured that there must be other people out there going through the same thing, so I decided to share my struggles with you all in solidarity. Best of luck with finals - let's hope things improve soon.

Monday:

-The day before finals start. There is a tradition that the night before finals start a lot of people streak through our main library at midnight, so I participated. I saw my ex-girlfriend streaking about 10 minutes in and remembered how hot she is. I popped a renob in the periodicals room.

Tuesday:

-My hamster Sven died on Tuesday from dysentary. I buried him in the quad as part of a very nice ceremony.

-#2 Pencil prices went up at the Bookstore. The cashier blames it on "supply and demand." I'll have to look that up before this Sunday's Econ final.

Wednesday:

-My "History of the American Civil War" final was at 9am. I started studying at 2am on Tuesday night but promptly fell asleep at my desk, not waking up till 8:45am. I wikipediad "civil war," read the opening summary, and ran to the lecture hall thoroughly unprepared.

-It rained Wednesday and unearthed Sven. I found this out when I stepped on him barefoot while playing a post-final game of ultimate frisbee. I missed the catch.

Thursday:

-I received this email today from my chem professor:

-Today I also accidentally walked in on my roommate wacking it. He was squatting naked on top of my desk.

Friday:

-I'll probably get hit by a car.

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Robert Downey Jr. Lends a Helping Hand

by Dan Amerman May 06, 2008

(Davie, a scrawny 15-year-old, knocks on the door of Robert Downey Jr.'s Beverly Hills mansion.)

RD: Oh hi Davie. How are you today?

D: Oh I'm pretty good Robert Downey Jr. (His stomach grumbles) Just hungry, that's all...

RD: Wow Davie, that was a big grumble! You must be starving! I know you're very, very poor and homeless so if you want me to buy you a toy or something to take your mind off the hunger pains you know you can count on me...

D: You're very generous, sir, but I actually wanted to ask you about something else. Can you buy me alcohol?

RD: Believe me, I'd LOVE to, but if anyone sees me buying alcohol then I'll get sent back to rehab or maybe even jail!

D: PLEASE!!?!?!

RD: Aw, how can I say no to that dirty little face? But how can I buy you booze without getting caught?

(Davie whispers in Robert Downey Jr.'s ear)

RD: Oh, I see...well, give me 10 minutes and I'll try to throw something together.

Now if I get the magnetism just right...

Perfect!

RD: Now I'll just add a few minor additions...

Finished!

RD: Isn't this disguise SWEET! Now they'll never know who I am!

D: That sure is...ummm...elaborate. When I mentioned a disguise I was expecting more like a hat and glasses or something...

RD: You think I over did it?

D: Just a bit. Plus, with your new movie coming out, don't you think they'll recognize you?

RD: SO TRUE! Hmmm...let's see...oooo! Ta daa!!

LATER THAT DAY...
(Robert Downey Jr. enters a liquor store to buy some PBR for Davie.)

RD:(uncomfortably and too loudly) Umm...hello, I am here to buy some alcohol!! Please point me in the proper direction my good fellow!!

Cashier: It's about 4 feet to your left.

RD: (to himself) That's just in range for my magnet ray...(pressing a button on his wrist) Don't mind if I do...