When I first joined College Humor, my nickname was the Dude. Now I know what you're thinking, "Jeff, that is just a rip-off from the amazing movie The Big Lebowski. Even the Dude's first name is Jeff, just like you. If I ever meet you in person, I will punch you in your racially-ambiguous face. Seriously, are you Greek, Mexican, or Jewish?" But you would be mistaken. I didn't make my name to homage a movie; no, I did it for a group of people you may or may not know about, a group related to those you call That Guy.

The Dude is kind of like That Guy before society makes him That Guy; he is someone who is different, unique, and funny, but if everyone was like him, he'd be a That Guy. He's a perfect example for why there needs to be variety in life. The first person with a mullet was a the Dude. When he wore it, the mullet was respectable. People talked about how awesome his haircut was. Then it caught on, and now mullets are only worn by that Guy's. The Dude came up with the tuxedo t-shirt, popped collars, tighty-whiteys, highlighted hair, and he was the first person to hold his backpack with only one strap. Unfortunately, all these things have been taken from the Dude.

However, the Dude is currently working on new forms of everything. It's hard following tight girl-pants and Croc shoes, but something will come. If you see someone walking around campus with a blazer and a t-shirt or a short sleeved hoodie, give him your respect, for he's a the Dude.

Rule # 426: If you get a girl pregnant, it is your obligation to push her down the stairs.

Rule # 258: Men do NOT go to the doctor. We get prostate cancer and die before 60.

Rule # 156: If you have a friend that is balding, drug him and grate the rest of it off. The next few years of his life would have been depressing, watching his hair fall out, so you did him a huge favor.

Rule # 7: If your best friend breaks up with his girlfriend and cries about it, find her and have sex with her to find out what made her so special.

Exception to Man Law # 3: You may not fruit the beer, but "Forget-Me-Nows" are okay.

Rule # 27: If you invite a friend over for football, and said friend has to ask what a PAT is, you are allowed to stab him with a fork.

Rule # 381: You need to wean young children with Mike's Hard Lemonade so they are ready for the taste of alcohol when they finally reach that ripe age of 12.

Rule # 640:  There are only two excusable times to cry in life. One is when your father dies; the other is when Burt Reynolds is in an enjoyable movie.

1. Position computer screen to eclipse television screen.
2. Open porn.
3. Increase volume to obscene level in order to drown out sound from television.
4. Masturbate.
5. Wash, rinse, repeat.

The planets are moving in some weird pattern that means your life will get the crapped kicked outta it because hey their planets, they'll whoop your ass.

Aries 3/21-4/19 Its the holidays so that means time with the family. Don't have a family? Go to hell then. At first this seems like a good thing until you realize that its not Christmas dinner, but and intervention into your love affair with smack, or whatever.

Taurus 4/20-5/20 Nobody cares how you feel. Nobody understands you. Everybody will piss you off prompting a shooting spree that will end with a Santa Clause elf kicking your ass, and getting you on the Naughty list.

Gemini 5/21-6/21 You don't have enough money to buy presents. Only one solution, Casino. Put it all on number 8 black, payout is 35:1. After winning a new love will start out with gambling that is. You'll eventually lose everything and become addicted to speed, because the more your awake the more you can gamble right?

Cancer 6/22-7/22 Did you know that if you have this sign you are more likely to catch cancer from Christmas light radiation than to be mauled be a Christmas tree?

Leo 7/23-8/22 Have you done all your shopping and wrapping? No huh. Well get ready to be mauled by Christmas tree Yup. Tis the season.

Virgo 8/23-9/22 Everybody will be coming to you with their problems. At first you will glad to help and think that hot girl will certaintly return the favor. Right? Nope, you'll quickly become overwhelmed and eventually contemplate suicide as the only way out.

Libra 9/23-10/22 A new urge for thrill seeking will take hold. Take the whole family on an extreme Snowboard(not ski) trip for the holidays. Then as they all break their necks tumbling down the Alps, only shed one tear, because there is avalanche behind you.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 Your social status will take a dive as all your friends drugs and you quit for that special someone. But you didn't quit as peer pressure and the fact that your little lady isn't the same girl, leads you right back on the bandwagon! Oh and damn it feels good till you get arrested and thrown in jail for 20 odd years. Your girl  was cheating on you by the way, with Santa Clause

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21 You feel the need to get outdoors, after a hard nights drinking with George Clooney(aka some random alcoholic who is only with you cuz you're buying) that is. This will prompt you to go on a ski trip. Naked. Where your genitals will get frostbite and have to be amputated. Egg Nog, anyone?

Capricorn 12/22-1/19 Laser Vaginal Rejuvination is the perfect gift for everyone! Except for your transexual boss who finds it insulting and decides to see how you would like it, without anesthetic.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18 This ain't your age and it never will be. If you have this sign, you can go to hell too.

Pisces 2/19-3/20 Your job suckes so why don't you quit? Good, now you'll spend the holidays in the freezingcold waving a bell for the Salvation Army. Oh sorry, that doesn't pay enough, well you should of thought of that before you quit your other job, dumbass.

Damn Universe messing with your life.