POLICE REPORT - CAR 54 - OFFICER DAN JOHNSON

11:04 P.M. - Pulled over a Blue Chevy Nova that was driving erratically. Suspected the driver was intoxicated. As I approached the car, noticed that it was filled to the driver's chin with a dark red liquid. Very odd. The driver was barely keeping his head above the liquid. He rolled down the window, causing some of the liquid to pour out of the car, lightly soaking my pants. It was very clearly a red wine filling the car. Merlot, said the driver, who was, in fact, intoxicated. This was simply the most blatant drunk driving I had ever seen. Breathalyzer showed he had a .45 blood-alcohol level. It was incredible that he was still alive, conscious, and able to drive the car. Arrested the driver for reckless endangerment and DUI.

11:42 P.M. - Pulled over a light red Buick Century with a busted turn signal. Something strange - this car was filled with a clear liquid to the driver's eye level. I hoped it was water, as if that would make any more sense than what I feared it would be. I tapped on the window, and the driver calmly rolled down the window, causing a large amount of vodka (along with about 50 olives) to flow out of the car and onto the road. The stench was overpowering. I couldn't believe he had brought olives with the car-full of vodka. That had to be expensive - a car filled with vodka, that is. The driver, soaked head-to-toe in hard alcohol, looked at me and with a totally straight face - I swear to God - asks "What seems to be the problem, officer?" Seriously. I asked him if he had been drinking at all that evening, to which he replied "No, sir. Just driving home." He honestly said that, while he was still sitting in a pool of gallons upon gallons of vodka - with freakin' olives floating around him!

He passed the Breathalyzer test with a .00. He hadn't had a drop. I was going to try to give him a ticket for driving with an open container of alcohol, but - as he noted - none of it was in a container. Still, it seemed like there had to be something illegal about this. I let him off with a warning and told him to drive safely.

12:21 A.M. - Pulled over a white Ford truck that had made an illegal U-turn. As I approached the car - little to my surprise - I saw that it was filled up to the driver's neck with beer. At this point, I had to assume something was going on. Maybe one of the boys down at the station was trying to pull the craziest prank ever on me or something. I asked the driver to roll down his window, which he did. His wallet and registration were floating at the top of the pool of beer in his car, and flowed onto the street. I picked them up, examined them, and asked the driver what the hell was going on. He gave me a puzzled look and asked "Whatever do you mean, officer?" I know drunk driving has been a growing problem lately, but this is just ridiculous. I was going to have him get out of the car to test his balance, but my last pair of pants were already soaked in alcohol, which was going to be hard as hell to explain to the sarge once I got back to the station, and I didn't want to ruin this fresh pair I had just put on (if the guy got out of the car, the beer was going to get on me no matter what). I ended up chucking his license into a ditch and telling him to get the hell away from me. This city's going to hell, I tell ya.

Q: What is your name?

A: This is your chance to grab your potential employer's (McDonald's) attention from the getgo! Come up with a cool-sounding name or use a last name of a famous celebrity so you could say you're distantly related to them and even met them once! Your employer will be so star-struck at the mere idea that you are somehow connected to a celebrity, you'll be filling out those sweet, sweet W2 forms before you can say "minimum wage!"

Examples: Archimedes Raptorskull, Jackson Matterhorn, Stonewall Everest, Jonathon Clooney, Julie Jolie, George Washington IV, Jack Bauer, Spider-Man Jr.

Q: What is your middle initial?

A: This is a common area where employers tend to start snoozing. Liven things up! Use some crazy initial, like "Q" or "Z" or "?!" If you really want to show your potential employer how you think outside the box, use a full word or phrase, like "Danger" or "Sex Machine." This shows them that you do not accept limitations and social norms and always go the extra mile. Another point to you, good sir!

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: Don't lollygag on this query! It's easy to coast on this question, but I warn you to heed the temptation. Come up with an inexplicably old birthdate, such as "Oct 31, 90,000 BC" or "The dawn of time," so you will appear to be immortal and have the wisdom and job experience gained by countless eons of existence. Alternatively, you could put bizarrely recent dates, such as "Oct 31, 2005" or "About 5 minutes ago," giving you the appearence of a wunderkind, or Robin Williams in Jack.

Q: Sex/Gender?

A: Assuming it says "sex," write "Yes, Please!" Actually, even if it says "gender," write that. Everyone loves being reminded of the comedic stylings of Mike Myers.
 

Q: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

A: The answer to this question is always Y-E-S.

Q: If yes, give details.

A: Time to make yourself look like a total badass rebel who has been arrested a bunch of times for all kinds of awesome crimes. This will really set you apart from the masses. Put down stuff like "armed robbery I committed so I would be put in prison with my brother, who was totally set up by an evil conspiracy, so I could break him out to foil that evil conspiracy" or "quadruple homicide (for the same reason)," either of which would be pretty much perfect in every way.

Q: What is your address?

A: "Prison" or "Yo Momma!" will convey what a total hardass you are and why no one should ever mess with you. Employers love hiring renegades who follow their own rules and defy authority.

The WGA strike, although now over, left a few gaping wounds in its wake. The price of gas is skyrocketing, the country is entering a recession, and our TV season has been cut short. The greedy, merciless writers have destroyed nearly everything we as a country hold dear, but one loss hurts more than the others.

One of the most unfortunate victims of the dastardly writers was the televised suspense program, 24. 24 was a serialized drama program which displayed 24 hours in the life of people who were very anti-terrorism. Does this make the WGA pro-terrorism? We're not pointing any fingers, buuuuut...

Anyways, 24's producers decided to scrap this season, even though eight episodes had been produced. The logic behind this was that viewers expected to see the full 24-episode story, and would feel cheated only being able to see 1/3 of it. This is particularly sad for fans of the show, as there were going to be many changes made to revitalize the aging drama, such as:

• The show would change locales from Los Angeles to Washington D.C., where everything is different.
  
• The season would not start at the top of the hour, but rather at the :34 minute mark.
  
• The season would be on daylights savings time day, adding an extra hour to the suspense.
  
• Jack would tear off an extremity of someone in each episode.
  
• Tony Almeida, a character killed off in season 5, would return as the villain.
  
• Every single dead character ever to appear on 24 would return as villains.
  
• The ridiculous elements of the show (constant nukes being stolen, Presidents being assassinated left and right) would be scaled back to get back to the gritty, personal tone of the show's first season.
  

Sadly, we may never see this mind-exploding season. However, our mole at Fox has gotten us episode descriptions, so that we may weep at what might have been.

7.01: "3:34 PM - 4:34 PM" - In Washington D.C., Jack Bauer is being tried for crimes such as "Not stopping a nuclear bomb explosion quickly enough" and "Yelling obscenities in the vicinity of children while shooting terrorists." As Jack vigorously defends himself by biting into the necks of various senators, a sinister plot is being plotted by plotting-terrorists. Chloe makes an annoyed face for a few minutes. The terrorists hijack the internet.


7.02: "4:34 PM - 5:34 PM" - Jack's trial is interrupted mid-neck-biting so he may be escorted into the Pentagon by Special Agent Wendy Mackenzie to assist with dealing with the recent terrorist attack and any following terrorist attacks. Chloe is there, for some reason, and in front of a computer. So is Bill Buchanan. While Jack and the FBI try to figure out who was behind the terrorist attack, the terrorists hijack the stock market.


7.03: "5:34 PM - 6:34 PM" - With both the stock market and the internet under terrorist control, Jack and the FBI realize that they must find the source of who is behind the attack within the next 22 hours or all will be lost. The leader of the terrorists reveals himself: Tony Almeida, Jack's former co-worker, thought long-dead. Jack interrogates Tony's sister, Alissa, for information. He tears off both of her arms to get her to talk, but it turns out Jack had the wrong address and interrogated an innocent civilian. Chloe poops her pants and gives an annoyed look to someone. The terrorists hijack NORAD.


7.04: "6:34 PM - 7:34 PM" - The FBI picks up some "chatter" and Chloe opens a socket, which leads Jack to Tony's location: inside the White House! Jack interrogates the President of the United States to get Tony's whereabouts, but the President claims to have no idea what Jack is talking about. Jack shoots the Vice President in the face to get him to talk, but to no avail. Bill smells something foul when he asks Chloe where the vending machine is. Chloe uses her computer to figure out that Tony is in the Lincoln Bedroom. Jack confronts Tony about being up to terroristy things, but it turns out it was all a diversion to trick Jack into shooting the Vice President in the face. Tony then chops off his own head as Jack screams, "DAMMIT!"


7.05: "7:34 PM - 8:34 PM" - Jack, now on the run from the Secret Service, has to find out who set him up. The FBI discovers it is Nina Myers, thought long-dead, who is behind the framing. Jack knows that it must all be a diversion to take attention away from the real attack: to hijack a nuclear weapon and blow up the moon. Chloe visits an old friend who may be associated with the attacks. Bill Buchanan notices a strange stain on the back of Chloe's pants. Jack is forced to take the President hostage so he can get out of the White House and clear his name.


7.06: "8:34 PM - 9:34 PM" - With the President being held hostage, the FBI decides that nuking the White House is the only way to ensure the death of the terrorists. Bill Buchanan tries to stop them, knowing that Jack was set up and the only way to stop the upcoming attacks is to save Jack. Chloe decides to change pants. Jack explains the situation to the President, who is overwhelmed by the horror of what is to come, and takes his own life with a butter knife. Jack, knowing that it will look like he murdered the President, puts on a fake mustache and sneaks past the Secret Service agents right before the nuke is launched.


7.07: "9:34 PM - 10:34 PM" - Jack finds one of Nina's old associates and interrogates them as to her whereabouts. After stabbing out both of the man's eyes, Jack discovers that Nina had some radical plastic surgery and is now going by the name Special Agent Wendy Mackenzie. Jack says, "Oh my god..." in a horrified half-whisper, then punches the man in the face. Chloe sprays some deodorant on her new pants to get rid of the smell, to little avail. The nuclear bomb intended for the White House is re-directed to the moon by Special Agent Wendy Mackenzie. Bill Buchanan declares "My god..." in a horrified tone.


7.08: "10:34 PM - 11:34 PM" - Before Jack can get back to the Pentagon, Special Agent Wendy Mackenzie has fled. The nuclear bomb is an hour from reaching the moon, but it turns out that was only a diversion to hide the true purpose of Nina's plan: to nuke Mars. Chloe buys some adult diapers, giving the clerk at the store an annoyed look. Jack calls the one man who can help him track down Nina before it's too late: Tony Almeida, thought long-dead.


That was as far as the production team got. What would have happened? Would Jack have saved the day? Would there be some more shocking twists ahead? Maybe we will never know.

Oh man...
 
Lou...LOU! I am totally freaking out, bro. Totally tripping some major balls here. No better way to spend a Saturday night than doin' some 'shrooms with your bro, right? OH MAN. Are you freakin' out too, bro? 'Cuz I am totally FREAKING out.
 
Like, I am huge. Are you huge? I feel like I just grew three feet. Yeah man, I was a friggin' midget before, but I'm huge now. Ain't no one can stop a bitch this big, right bro? Ha! Bro, that outfit you're wearing...it's friggin' CRAZY! It's, like, almost the same as mine, but totally different. These 'shrooms are freakin' me out in a major way. OH! Let's go to the zoo. I got me a crazy idea.
 
Here we go, man. Seriously, just trust. TRUST. Hahaha! I am FREAKING OUT. Do I look huge? I feel, like, at least double my normal size. Okay, now that we're at the zoo. Know what we should do? Let's jump on turtles. BAM! Ha! Did you see that shit, bro? That turtle just went inside its shell. IT TOTALLY DID! I friggin' knew it. I am tripping balls and jumping on turtles. This is CRAZY.
 
Holy shit bro, do you see what I see? There's a bunch of little coins leading towards that drain over there... think there's more inside the drain? Only one way to find out. We gotta go into that pipe.
 
Hell yeah, bro! What's the big deal? OH MAN BRO. Know what? We look totally alike. We're like...opposites. You got a mustache...I got a mustache! And the whole clothes thing. CRAZY! Hahaha, I am freakin' out like never before ever, broseph! C'mon, we're hoppin' in this damn pipe.
 
WHOOOA! That was crazy. I'm higher than a flying raccoon...what? "What's a flying raccoon?" I have NO IDEA! THAT'S JUST HOW HIGH I AM! Hahaha! Holy shit man, I'm goin' friggin' crazy! Them 'shrooms get the biz done right, know that? Hell yeah you do, bro. This pipe is gross, by the way. There's slime 'n shit all over. Like, literal shit. Like, animal feces everywhere. Oh man...know what? Those coins were just pennies, bro. Totally not worth it. Can you climb back up? No? Screw it, let's just go through some more of this pipe.
 
Dude, chill. CHILL, BRO. I got a plan, we ain't gonna die in here, bro. You're just trippin' mad balls. Just let me take care of this. Know how I got all huge when I took those 'shrooms? Right? I am huge, right? No, bro, I am totally not imagining that I grew three feet. TRUST. Here's my plan: I'm gonna bash my head against the ceiling, and the bricks will break apart instantly and we can just totally climb out of here. Here goes...
 
OUCH! Shiiit. Okay. That did not work. I will be the first to admit it. Got any more 'shrooms on ya, bro? No? I tell ya, man, I'm startin' to come down from that high. My head hurts like SHIT. Why the hell did I jump on a turtle again?
 
Hmph. Lou? Lou? Oh man, bro, stop crying. Dude, chill the hell out! We're not gonna die in here, bro. I'll just call my girl and tell her to get us some help or some shit.
 
C'mon...pick up...Hello? Baby! Who's my princess? Who's my peachy princess? Okay, babe. Here's what - yeeeah, of course I remembered. Today. Our anniversary. Totally remembered. I was actually just about to surprise you when - hold on, babe! Just chill, princess. Me and Lou accidentally got sorta stuck in some pipe at the zoo after we did some 'shrooms. We need you to -
 
Shit! The bitch hung up on me! And now my cell's dead. Awesome. Totally awesome. Just what we needed right now.
 
Well, we'll just chill here 'til morning. Then someone's bound to come by and find us. What? Okay, bro, I'm sorry I got us into this situation. I apologize. There. Happy?
 
Seriously, stop being such a little whiny baby, Luigi. We're bros, we stick together. I tell you what...I'll take you on a duck hunt tomorrow. Sure you don't got any more 'shrooms on ya?

Thoughts of a habitual insomniac:

I don't need sleep. No not at all. Can't you survive on only 4 hours of sleep a day? I know I can. I wonder what effect all of those energy drinks will have on my body in the future. Eh, I'm young. Plus, by the time I need a new heart, they are going to have mechanical ones! Humans will live forrrrever. Oh wait.. they have those? Well, whatever. I still have my whole life ahead of me. Just think of all those cool things I did in my extra 4 hours that you didn't! Haha yeah, thats cuz you were sleeeping. Sleep is for the weak. What? No, those aren't bags under my eyes. Fine I will wear my sunglasses all day, because the sun never sets on ME! OOooh yeah thats right I said it.

(Three days later)


What? Did you really just say that I looked like shit? Lies... I look amazing... I FEEL amazing. You really have to try this you know... Wait what was I talking about? I can't remember... Oh, dude, could I get your notes from today. I can't read my lecture notes... It looks like a five year old wrote them. NO, I don't need more sleep. You are just jealous because I make more money than you AND look amazing...

(Driving to work while talking on the phone)

Hey man, yeah whats up? I'm just drivin to work. I went to this crazy party last night. Yeah, I got the usual 4 hours of sleep. Wait hold on, this asshole just got in my way. Ok, yeah man, of course I am a good driver. Not gonna lie though... I fell asleep during sex. Yeah, I know... I KNOW DUDE! No, I am not a pussy. Yeah, well, it was your sister so that just means SHE'S LAME. Oh... I thought I told you we were dating... Uhhh I gotta go.

Ok, so as we all know, I love to observe relationships and people in general. I have currently been observing my roomate and her love-triangle... Seriously, choices need to be made. In my opinion, neither one is worth the effort, and both are very annoying in their own way. First, however, let us start with Mr. Crazy/Needy/can't get a life separate from you/etc...etc...

1. No means no in all contexts. No, I will not have sex with you. No, I don't want you to come over... Does not translate to. Of course I want to have sex with you! or Please come over I need you now. Yeah, get over yourself.

2. Five calls a day is not necessary. How about this, write down everything you want to say and then make one call :) yeyeye I like it. OR Don't call at all? That one works too. If somebody doesn't answer the first time, why in the hell would they answer on the fourth?

3. I'm sorry that you revolved your life around that one special person and now that its over you don't have any friends. That sucks... Deal with it and make new friends. It's not that hard. I think a simple Hey, What's UP? will suffice. Unless you are a creeper... You should probably stop that, too.

4. I also apologize that my education is much more important than our relationship. I only pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to attend this university... I mean, thats cool if you like throwing money away like that, but I kind of have these things called... goals and aspirations.... Do you know what those are?

If she likes these kind of interactions, then by all means, go ahead. I just don't like the fact that it integrates itself into my life. Drama and I don't really go together... Now onto the current beau. Well, they both are currently occurring, but she is "officially" dating this one.

1. Why would a person attending a big ten school want to date an unemployed gamer who doesn't attend any college, not even online...?

2. I love it when he talks about how life would be if it were an anime. Yessss! I am going to be a NINJA when I grow up and have limited facial expressions in cartoon motion!!!

3. I also love that he is completely socially awkward... Like when I say, hey, I need to get dressed, and he just stares at me... Yeah, that means maybe you should get out of the room and stop eating my food. Believe me... You don't need it. You don't drink? Oh, I couldn't tell by your poundage...

4. If you can't afford to stay in a hotel, then maybe you shouldn't travel... Just a thought. You could always sleep in a park. Oooooh wouldn't that be the perfect date??? Babe, I have this romantic night of stargazing planned for us. Then, you guys start doin the deed and the cops show up. Instead of a romantic night under the stars you get a romantic night behind bars, but instead of your old lover, you have a new one named Tiny... Its a metaphor because the next morning you aren't feelin like he was so tiny.