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A Confession Down Below

by M. Fox May 31, 2007

Dear Mom,

I have been silent for too long. I thought Dad would eventually tell you, but I see now that he is engulfed by his addiction and will never admit it to you. So I must. Mom, Dad likes Steven Segal movies. I just do not understand it. You two watch such great movies together. Gladiator, Black Hawk Down, Remember the Titans, even Speed- you both seemed to enjoy them so much. His taste in movies seems so pure, wholesome- but beneath his Ebert-esque discernment lies an insatiable thirst for more. More action, ponytails, roundhouse kicks, environmental terrorists, and thirty second stare-downs. When you and the girls went to this year’s Mother/Daughter Retreat of Love and Celibacy, Dad went to Blockbuster. He thought I was asleep, but I sneaked down to the living room and found that he had rented On Deadly Ground AND Fire Down Below. He had watched both! Back to back! Sick bastard! I felt dizzy, nauseous but somehow made it back to my room. I locked my door and slid to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably- how could he do this to you, Mom? This is the man that took me to see Saving Private Ryan, told me to avoid any movie with Tom Selleck in a standalone leading role, for God’s sake he was by my side as I struggled to grasp the intricacies of The Godfather! How can he enjoy Segal’s overacting and irrational fight choreography? The man is visibly overweight! How can Dad believe that he has the stamina to fight four eco-villains at once?

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My Train of Thought Before, During, and After a First Kiss- A Response to Dan

by Alice May 02, 2007

So, here at my last year of summer camp at the dance with... Dan. Where did Kyle go anyways? God that kid was hot. Really surprised that Kyle didn't get the hint- I was giving him blank stares from across the room and walking by shaking my ass in his face for, like, four slow songs in a row. GAWD boys are so stupid!

Ok, it was nice of Dan to not let me awkwardly walk away by myself in the middle of Satellite by Dave Matthews- Such a deep song- But my god is he a bad dancer. Hey, mom isn't watching Dan, you can stand a little closer and like, not try to make me dizzy with all these turns. It's a frickin slow song, not a Merry-Go-Round!

Ok maybe I'll just take the lead. Just snuggle my arms in closer and go for the "hug" position. Maybe that will stop him from- oh geez, I hope that's not what I think it is. Yep. Yes it is. Amateur! Shit now he knows I know. I'll have to stand here until this thing goes down again so he doesn't embarrass himself in front of his friends... No Dan, this doesn't mean I want to, oh god, he 's going for the kiss. Christ, he better be a good kisser. Sometimes, I am just too nice, you know?

Dan, really? That's my face, not my mouth. You're slobbering all over me. And now you are LICKING MY TEETH. I can't imagine how this is enjoyable for you. Gross. Good thing the song is over and your boner is finally gone. Now where did Kyle go... Kyle? Kyle? KYLEEEEEEEE!?!?!?!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SANDY YOU BITCH! HE WAS MINE!!!!

*Note to self: Untie Sandy's bikini string at tomorrow's pool party. ....and steal her cherry lip gloss.

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