College Species: A Dissertation
by Streeter Seidell April 29, 2004
Welcome, my esteemed colleagues. I am here to share with you my amazing discoveries in the field of collegiate species research. I have spent three years in the field collecting research on the inhabitants of this most strange environment known as college. In this time I have observed many different specie, all in their natural habitat. It is with great pleasure that I report my findings to you.
Bent-Brimmed Fratapus- This particular species may be the most common of the male species I observed. It seems that, as an identification method, the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus will always wear his signature white hat. This particular hat will have his college's moniker blazoned across the front and will almost certainly have a bent "brim." This species is highly social and I found, through countless nights in its habitat, that the Bent -Brimmed Fratapus is most comfortable in situations where alcohol is present. They can be observed "beer bonging" and "keg standing" with their peers. However, while the Fratapus is often seen at bars and parties, they are rarely observed in class. When approached by other members of the species, the Fratapus will usually pair off and perform a gesture known as a "hetero-hug" (see "New Words" issue for definition).
Commutersaurus Rex- The commutersaurus is one of the most numerous species I observed in my research. However, this particular species was only visible during the daylight hours. After dark, like lemmings, they fled for their cars and swiftly drove off "campus." They do not tend to socialize with the other species on this list and instead attend their own functions at their own "lounge." I advise that one be careful when attempting to contact the Commutersaurus, as they will certainly be jealous of your "residential" status.
Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark- A somewhat numerous species at most "campuses," but relatively fickle in their ways, the Guitardvark is truly a native specie of the "campus." Never without its trusty acoustic guitar, the guitardvark roams from location to location on "campus" singing its mating call and strumming its instrument. The most common of it's mating calls include "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley and "Stir it up" also by Bob Marley. The Guitardvark will attract other specie with its sweet tones. However, the Guitardvark is a seasonal animal. It can only be observed outdoors in early September and late April and May. Note: The Guitardvark is often seen with its companion species, the BongoDrumadactyl
FlipFlopadocus- A distant cousin of the Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark, the FlipFlopadocus is known for its ability to wear a sandal, know commonly as a "flip flop" in any type of weather. It seems the soles of the FlipFlopadocus' feet have become temperature resistant through years and years of exposure to the elements. It is most commonly seen strolling into class 30 minutes late and lounging around on the "quad." When confronted about its ability to endure the worst cold in uncovered feet, the FlipFlopadocus will usually respond with a relaxed "whatever."
TwoBeer Queerwig- This species, like the chameleon, is a shape-shifter species. From all outward appearances, the TwoBeer Queerwig can look like any other species. However, after consuming a small amount of alcohol, this species will reveal its true nature. Often seen vomiting in a corner or hanging listlessly on the shoulder of a friend, the Queerwig is only known for its ability not to be able to hold alcohol. Other, superior species will often show their dominance over the Queerwig by "shaming" them with face markings when the Queerwig "passes out."
White-Skinned Dreadlockust- Considered almost as hilarious as the Queerwig, the White-Skinned Dreadlockust spends most of its day scratching at the unsightly pile of mangled hair on its head. The hair is arranged in such a way as to resemble fecal matter and is often seen adorned with beads, braids, or a big, floppy hat. Often, the Dreadlockust will cover its body in animal-themed tie-dye and pants that "I totally made myself out of old potato sacks, dude." Related species: The Hippopotheadamus.
Student-Athleech- In the same genus as the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus, the Student-Athleech is of a large composure. The Athleech eats a protein rich diet making it physically superior to all other species, but mentally incapable. Due to this, the Athleech can regularly be observed looking confused and perplexed in "class." However, while the Athleech may be inferior in an intellectual environment, they are superior on the "field" or "court." Herds of Athleeches can be seen gathering for intense physical exercise on these "fields" almost daily. The Athleech adorns its muscular body with the trappings of its "team" (usually loose-fitting, college-themed "sweatsuits") and designer "sneakers." Other species are often jealous of the Athleech for its ability to enroll in the easiest "classes" and do the least amount of "work."
Orange Spotted Woodsucker- Considered a prize by the male population of the "campus," this species is all female. One can easily be identified by their strange skin coloring; slightly brown with orange patches. This is a product of the specie's unrelenting desire to tan themselves artificially to achieve a "base coat." The woodsucker is also known around the "campus" to provide a certain sexual act on the male inhabitants known locally as "head." They can often be seen wearing small shirts and skirts, usually with some sort of testimony about themselves (e.g. Party Gurrrrl, Sexy, Little Bitch, etc"). The tight-fitting, revealing nature of the Woodsucker's clothing is intended to broadcast its superior abs to all other female species. WARNING: Do not approach unless prepared to buy them a drink.
Now that you're well versed in collegiate classifications, check out these hotlinks! And if there aren't enough for ya, remember there are always more at AllDumb. Schweet.
Bent-Brimmed Fratapus- This particular species may be the most common of the male species I observed. It seems that, as an identification method, the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus will always wear his signature white hat. This particular hat will have his college's moniker blazoned across the front and will almost certainly have a bent "brim." This species is highly social and I found, through countless nights in its habitat, that the Bent -Brimmed Fratapus is most comfortable in situations where alcohol is present. They can be observed "beer bonging" and "keg standing" with their peers. However, while the Fratapus is often seen at bars and parties, they are rarely observed in class. When approached by other members of the species, the Fratapus will usually pair off and perform a gesture known as a "hetero-hug" (see "New Words" issue for definition).
Commutersaurus Rex- The commutersaurus is one of the most numerous species I observed in my research. However, this particular species was only visible during the daylight hours. After dark, like lemmings, they fled for their cars and swiftly drove off "campus." They do not tend to socialize with the other species on this list and instead attend their own functions at their own "lounge." I advise that one be careful when attempting to contact the Commutersaurus, as they will certainly be jealous of your "residential" status.
Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark- A somewhat numerous species at most "campuses," but relatively fickle in their ways, the Guitardvark is truly a native specie of the "campus." Never without its trusty acoustic guitar, the guitardvark roams from location to location on "campus" singing its mating call and strumming its instrument. The most common of it's mating calls include "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley and "Stir it up" also by Bob Marley. The Guitardvark will attract other specie with its sweet tones. However, the Guitardvark is a seasonal animal. It can only be observed outdoors in early September and late April and May. Note: The Guitardvark is often seen with its companion species, the BongoDrumadactylFlipFlopadocus- A distant cousin of the Migrating Accoustic-Guitardvark, the FlipFlopadocus is known for its ability to wear a sandal, know commonly as a "flip flop" in any type of weather. It seems the soles of the FlipFlopadocus' feet have become temperature resistant through years and years of exposure to the elements. It is most commonly seen strolling into class 30 minutes late and lounging around on the "quad." When confronted about its ability to endure the worst cold in uncovered feet, the FlipFlopadocus will usually respond with a relaxed "whatever."
TwoBeer Queerwig- This species, like the chameleon, is a shape-shifter species. From all outward appearances, the TwoBeer Queerwig can look like any other species. However, after consuming a small amount of alcohol, this species will reveal its true nature. Often seen vomiting in a corner or hanging listlessly on the shoulder of a friend, the Queerwig is only known for its ability not to be able to hold alcohol. Other, superior species will often show their dominance over the Queerwig by "shaming" them with face markings when the Queerwig "passes out."
White-Skinned Dreadlockust- Considered almost as hilarious as the Queerwig, the White-Skinned Dreadlockust spends most of its day scratching at the unsightly pile of mangled hair on its head. The hair is arranged in such a way as to resemble fecal matter and is often seen adorned with beads, braids, or a big, floppy hat. Often, the Dreadlockust will cover its body in animal-themed tie-dye and pants that "I totally made myself out of old potato sacks, dude." Related species: The Hippopotheadamus.
Student-Athleech- In the same genus as the Bent-Brimmed Fratapus, the Student-Athleech is of a large composure. The Athleech eats a protein rich diet making it physically superior to all other species, but mentally incapable. Due to this, the Athleech can regularly be observed looking confused and perplexed in "class." However, while the Athleech may be inferior in an intellectual environment, they are superior on the "field" or "court." Herds of Athleeches can be seen gathering for intense physical exercise on these "fields" almost daily. The Athleech adorns its muscular body with the trappings of its "team" (usually loose-fitting, college-themed "sweatsuits") and designer "sneakers." Other species are often jealous of the Athleech for its ability to enroll in the easiest "classes" and do the least amount of "work."Orange Spotted Woodsucker- Considered a prize by the male population of the "campus," this species is all female. One can easily be identified by their strange skin coloring; slightly brown with orange patches. This is a product of the specie's unrelenting desire to tan themselves artificially to achieve a "base coat." The woodsucker is also known around the "campus" to provide a certain sexual act on the male inhabitants known locally as "head." They can often be seen wearing small shirts and skirts, usually with some sort of testimony about themselves (e.g. Party Gurrrrl, Sexy, Little Bitch, etc"). The tight-fitting, revealing nature of the Woodsucker's clothing is intended to broadcast its superior abs to all other female species. WARNING: Do not approach unless prepared to buy them a drink.
Now that you're well versed in collegiate classifications, check out these hotlinks! And if there aren't enough for ya, remember there are always more at AllDumb. Schweet.
The Big Letdown
by Streeter Seidell April 28, 2004
-Sometimes things don't always happen like we think they will. You build a scenario in your head and when the actual event takes place, you are horribly let down. It can happen with tests, papers, and most of all, parties. Here is one such incident.
*Event: The Annual Catholic Schoolgirl Party of Fordham University
*What I Thought Would Happen:
-At 10 PM I make my grand entrance into the party with my entourage. "You must be the Great Streeter, of the Kingdom of CollegeHumor! Do not be foolish, of course you will not have to pay the $5 admission fee to mine own party." the owners of the apartment building chime. Surveying my surroundings, I find an agreeable scene. What luck! Ten girls for every guy and what's better, all the girls want to hang out with me! Can you believe it? "Please ladies, one at a time" I shout.
-Taking my time, I widdle down all the girls to a lucky five who will spend the evening in my company alone. Sure, I'll invite some of my male friends over to pay fealty, but the girls won't be interested in them. Wearing my signature white shirt and jeans, the women I have chosen will satisfy my every whim. "Could I grace your beautiful lips with another flagon of mead?" one will casually ask. "Would it pleasure your greatness to have thine back rubbed?" queries another.
-Reclining on a plush leather sofa with my own keg, the girls, all dressed as catholic schoolgirls mind you, will feed me pizza and play with my hair. "What a lovely mane of thick brown hair you have," says Stacey. What is this? Rachel has bent over in front of me just enough so that I can peek the lacey bottom of her panties. I grunt with displeasure. "I'm sorry, most funny and wonderful of men, allow me to expose all of my hind-parts to you," Rachel coos. With a flip of her skirt, her entire posterior is visible and I laugh with delight. "What a merry evening this has been!" I cheer.
-Feeling drunk and happy, I choose two of the girls to accompany me home. There, they bathe me in scented waters and comment on the attractiveness of my body and the unusually large size of my phallus. "My God, hath a great white snake found its way into thine bath water?" screams Holly. "No, no, no, my dear," I explain, "Tis just thine member swimming endlessly in this sweet-smelling, foamy wonderland!" How we all will laugh! The rest, of course, will play out as you may have imagined. There will be juices"oh yes, juices a'plenty. Mine own seed hath been sowed!
*What Really Happened:
-At Midnight I left for the party with my friends Matt, Tim, Josh and John. At the entrance, we were charged the mandatory $5 for a cup and made our way into a sweaty, writhing apartment building. Yes, there were schoolgirls but each one was surrounded by no less than 15 guys all vying for her attention.
-After a 20 minute wait in the keg line, I poured myself an extremely foamy Coors Light and took my position on the couch. Sweating profusely, I tried to convince one of my friends to show me her butt to no avail. I got up a few times and walked around, said some casual hellos, got a few more beers before I joined the rest of the party on the sidewalk.
-There, huddled with the horny masses, I watched four girls tease the crowd with promises of breasts. "TITS, TITS, TITS!" screamed the crowd, at least 150 strong. But, of course, none came and the girls each made their way down from the cement planters they were standing on. Dejected I returned indoors and made my way upstairs. The highlight of the night was when my friend (who shall remain nameless) was kind enough to lift her skirt for a millisecond and show me her underwear. Feeling that it would not get better than this, I left, went to a bar, and wasted some more money.
-Let this be a lesson to all of you out there. Never attend the Catholic Schoolgirl party at my school unless you are a medieval king of England"or unless you're attractive. I would have probably had better luck if I had just remembered to bring my crown and scepter. Shit!
*Event: The Annual Catholic Schoolgirl Party of Fordham University
*What I Thought Would Happen:
-At 10 PM I make my grand entrance into the party with my entourage. "You must be the Great Streeter, of the Kingdom of CollegeHumor! Do not be foolish, of course you will not have to pay the $5 admission fee to mine own party." the owners of the apartment building chime. Surveying my surroundings, I find an agreeable scene. What luck! Ten girls for every guy and what's better, all the girls want to hang out with me! Can you believe it? "Please ladies, one at a time" I shout.
-Taking my time, I widdle down all the girls to a lucky five who will spend the evening in my company alone. Sure, I'll invite some of my male friends over to pay fealty, but the girls won't be interested in them. Wearing my signature white shirt and jeans, the women I have chosen will satisfy my every whim. "Could I grace your beautiful lips with another flagon of mead?" one will casually ask. "Would it pleasure your greatness to have thine back rubbed?" queries another.
-Reclining on a plush leather sofa with my own keg, the girls, all dressed as catholic schoolgirls mind you, will feed me pizza and play with my hair. "What a lovely mane of thick brown hair you have," says Stacey. What is this? Rachel has bent over in front of me just enough so that I can peek the lacey bottom of her panties. I grunt with displeasure. "I'm sorry, most funny and wonderful of men, allow me to expose all of my hind-parts to you," Rachel coos. With a flip of her skirt, her entire posterior is visible and I laugh with delight. "What a merry evening this has been!" I cheer.
-Feeling drunk and happy, I choose two of the girls to accompany me home. There, they bathe me in scented waters and comment on the attractiveness of my body and the unusually large size of my phallus. "My God, hath a great white snake found its way into thine bath water?" screams Holly. "No, no, no, my dear," I explain, "Tis just thine member swimming endlessly in this sweet-smelling, foamy wonderland!" How we all will laugh! The rest, of course, will play out as you may have imagined. There will be juices"oh yes, juices a'plenty. Mine own seed hath been sowed!
*What Really Happened:
-At Midnight I left for the party with my friends Matt, Tim, Josh and John. At the entrance, we were charged the mandatory $5 for a cup and made our way into a sweaty, writhing apartment building. Yes, there were schoolgirls but each one was surrounded by no less than 15 guys all vying for her attention.
-After a 20 minute wait in the keg line, I poured myself an extremely foamy Coors Light and took my position on the couch. Sweating profusely, I tried to convince one of my friends to show me her butt to no avail. I got up a few times and walked around, said some casual hellos, got a few more beers before I joined the rest of the party on the sidewalk.
-There, huddled with the horny masses, I watched four girls tease the crowd with promises of breasts. "TITS, TITS, TITS!" screamed the crowd, at least 150 strong. But, of course, none came and the girls each made their way down from the cement planters they were standing on. Dejected I returned indoors and made my way upstairs. The highlight of the night was when my friend (who shall remain nameless) was kind enough to lift her skirt for a millisecond and show me her underwear. Feeling that it would not get better than this, I left, went to a bar, and wasted some more money.
-Let this be a lesson to all of you out there. Never attend the Catholic Schoolgirl party at my school unless you are a medieval king of England"or unless you're attractive. I would have probably had better luck if I had just remembered to bring my crown and scepter. Shit!
Streeter's Study Tips
by Streeter Seidell April 27, 2004
-YESSSSSSSS! It's almost time for finals! I, for one, am very excited. I get to show all my professors what a bright young man I am by answering correctly on a bunch of tests. Since I have a 2.8 you should all listen very closely to me and my advice for preparing for finals"I call it Streeter's Study Tips.
-1. Before you begin studying, make sure you know what classes you are enrolled in. Since you spent your entire semester drinking and sleeping, you probably do not know what you are going to be tested on in a few weeks. The best way to find this information is to stand outside classroom buildings and ask people, "are you in a class where the professor says things like "I wonder where (insert your name) has been all semester?' or "well, it looks like (insert your name) won't be getting credit for this class'?" If they say yes, chances are you are enrolled in that class.
-2. Make up clever little rhymes to remember specific information. For instance, "White Dwarf stars were once red giants / which collapsed in on themselves because they burned off all their hydrogen"fire ants" You see how easy it is to remember things when they rhyme. Here's another one for you, "the condition known as Schizophrenia is a disorder / where people think they are two or more people"quarter." Easy as cake!
-3. Use a highlighter. Highlighters make targeting specific things to remember easier to find. The best thing to do is use yellow to highlight all the information that is essential. Use pink to highlight all the information that may be important. Use green to highlight all the information that is not important. And use blue to highlight all punctuation marks such as periods, commas, colons, and dashes.
-4. Whine about studying. It is very important to make sure all your friends know how much harder your classes are than theirs. Say things like "Oh my god, I've been studying for Hershel's final for like three days"he's the hardest bio teacher here." Complaining about your finals is essential to clearing your head for the big day. Trust me, none of your friends have hard classes or understand what you're going through and they'll be more than happy to listen to you bitch.
-5. Make note cards. Writing little tidbits of information on note cards is a great way to test yourself. But what fun is that? Ask your roommate to test you instead. They'll be so excited to sit there for endless hours quizzing you on things they don't have to know. Also, it is important to make up your own shorthand when creating note cards so you'll be able to make them faster. You'll never find yourself wondering what "QUESTION-Bx14"assimilate fac. Dens. 447.38 douche? ANSWER- Al. CT, 447.38 x 14 cont." means!
-6. Play with things. A good way to ease your mind when studying is to pick up anything that may be lying around and playing with it. Is there a coat hanger on the ground? Why not place it around your head and make a crown out of it? Are there some pencils on your desk? Why not play a little drum solo with them? Are your CDs unorganized? Put them back in alphabetical order! Blowing in empty beer bottles is an excellent way to clear your head and impress your roommates with your uncanny "Corona beer commercial" imitation. Other activities which will help you: cutting your nails, looking in spoons at your own reflection, folding paper into shapes, wearing you glasses backwards just to see what happens, and stapling things together. All these things are necessary to accomplish BEFORE you actually begin studying because, let's face it, you're no good unless you have a coat hanger crown on, are you?
-I hope you've found Streeter's Study Tips useful. I know I have found much success following these methods and I think my 2.8 GPA can speak for itself. Good luck with finals!
Come on Mary-Kate...It's been almost two weeks since I asked you to email me and still no word. WTF? Get on top of that!
-1. Before you begin studying, make sure you know what classes you are enrolled in. Since you spent your entire semester drinking and sleeping, you probably do not know what you are going to be tested on in a few weeks. The best way to find this information is to stand outside classroom buildings and ask people, "are you in a class where the professor says things like "I wonder where (insert your name) has been all semester?' or "well, it looks like (insert your name) won't be getting credit for this class'?" If they say yes, chances are you are enrolled in that class.
-2. Make up clever little rhymes to remember specific information. For instance, "White Dwarf stars were once red giants / which collapsed in on themselves because they burned off all their hydrogen"fire ants" You see how easy it is to remember things when they rhyme. Here's another one for you, "the condition known as Schizophrenia is a disorder / where people think they are two or more people"quarter." Easy as cake!
-3. Use a highlighter. Highlighters make targeting specific things to remember easier to find. The best thing to do is use yellow to highlight all the information that is essential. Use pink to highlight all the information that may be important. Use green to highlight all the information that is not important. And use blue to highlight all punctuation marks such as periods, commas, colons, and dashes.
-4. Whine about studying. It is very important to make sure all your friends know how much harder your classes are than theirs. Say things like "Oh my god, I've been studying for Hershel's final for like three days"he's the hardest bio teacher here." Complaining about your finals is essential to clearing your head for the big day. Trust me, none of your friends have hard classes or understand what you're going through and they'll be more than happy to listen to you bitch.
-5. Make note cards. Writing little tidbits of information on note cards is a great way to test yourself. But what fun is that? Ask your roommate to test you instead. They'll be so excited to sit there for endless hours quizzing you on things they don't have to know. Also, it is important to make up your own shorthand when creating note cards so you'll be able to make them faster. You'll never find yourself wondering what "QUESTION-Bx14"assimilate fac. Dens. 447.38 douche? ANSWER- Al. CT, 447.38 x 14 cont." means!
-6. Play with things. A good way to ease your mind when studying is to pick up anything that may be lying around and playing with it. Is there a coat hanger on the ground? Why not place it around your head and make a crown out of it? Are there some pencils on your desk? Why not play a little drum solo with them? Are your CDs unorganized? Put them back in alphabetical order! Blowing in empty beer bottles is an excellent way to clear your head and impress your roommates with your uncanny "Corona beer commercial" imitation. Other activities which will help you: cutting your nails, looking in spoons at your own reflection, folding paper into shapes, wearing you glasses backwards just to see what happens, and stapling things together. All these things are necessary to accomplish BEFORE you actually begin studying because, let's face it, you're no good unless you have a coat hanger crown on, are you?
-I hope you've found Streeter's Study Tips useful. I know I have found much success following these methods and I think my 2.8 GPA can speak for itself. Good luck with finals!
Come on Mary-Kate...It's been almost two weeks since I asked you to email me and still no word. WTF? Get on top of that!
Fall 2004 Course Catalogue
by Streeter Seidell April 26, 2004
-We all know that college classes are a huge joke. Why, just look at these ones right here ripped straight from admissions catalogues of schools that I just made up!
-CMRU 1002-003 Gender Relations and Sexual Politics in "The Smurfs": Prof. Degrasso.
This class will take an in depth look at the sexual politics behind the animated cartoon series "The Smurfs" and how this reflects on American sexual politics as a whole.
*Focus: The Smurfette/Madonna/Whore connection.
*Required Text: "Blue Balls; a look at Smurf Sexuality" Hayster, Michael. 2001
-LSAU 2240-012 Eating; is it Healthy?: Prof. Himmel
Why do we eat? Is it healthy to consume things that are grown in the ground, picked from trees, or cut from animals? Do I have to eat food, or can I eat air? What would happen if I didn't eat? Find the answers to these questions in this new class.
*Focus: Proper ingestion techniques, food; am I ready for it?
*Required Text: "Karen Carpenter; Gone too Soon" Patterson, Donna. 1989
"What's Coming Out of my Butt?" Herman, Reese. 1993
-MTSU 1525-004 Safe Microwave Techniques: Prof. Stutzman
This course will guide you through the proper way to use your microwave. You will learn the many things that are not meant to be microwaved and some of those that are. We end the semester with a tutorial on the proper time to let a burrito cool before consumption.
*Focus: Open door, place item inside, close door, set timer. Repeat as necessary.
*Required Texts: "Mommy, What Happened to Mittens? Why Cats and Microwaves Don't Mix." Hornby, Allsion. 1979
-PORU 5675-095 Not Again! A Scholarly Take on Bed-Wetting: Prof. Lynch (T.A. Prof. Mullowney)
An insider's look at the phenomenon that is bed-wetting. This once banished childhood problem often comes back to haunt college students. Why? Guest Lecture by MTV's Gideon Yago entitled "I do it too; my struggle with the soggy sheets."
*Focus: proper sheet washing techniques. "Blaming it on her" symposium.
*Required Texts: "The Tinkle Express; It's Always on Time" Nairn, Keith. 2000
"Puddle of Shame" Various Authors. 1992
-DINO 1000-001 Dinosaurs; How Cool is That?: Prof. Felly
This new class is designed to introduce students to the coolness that dinosaurs must have possessed. There will be one research paper on the topic "If I could be a dinosaur, I would be a"" and special field trips to blockbuster to rent "Jurassic Park" editions 1-3 to get a real life example of just how "cool" dinosaurs are.
*Focus: DNA regeneration. What to do with all the poop?
*Required Texts: "ROAAAAR!" Seidell, Streeter. 2004
"Big Teeth, Big Eyes, Small Brains; The Dumb Blonde/Dinosaur Connection" Fahey, Jeanne. 1982
-PHRU 1000-001 Introduction To Philosophy: Prof. Kindervater.
This class will provide students with an introduction to some of the greatest thinkers in human history. Such issues as morality, vanity, and rightness will be examined in detail as we go through the works of Plato, Socrates, Descartes, and Mill.
*Focus: developing a rational mind for career opportunities.
*Required Texts: "The Human Condition" Cooper, Brandywine. 2001
WHAT A JOKE! Have a great Fall semester!
-CMRU 1002-003 Gender Relations and Sexual Politics in "The Smurfs": Prof. Degrasso.
This class will take an in depth look at the sexual politics behind the animated cartoon series "The Smurfs" and how this reflects on American sexual politics as a whole.
*Focus: The Smurfette/Madonna/Whore connection.
*Required Text: "Blue Balls; a look at Smurf Sexuality" Hayster, Michael. 2001
-LSAU 2240-012 Eating; is it Healthy?: Prof. Himmel
Why do we eat? Is it healthy to consume things that are grown in the ground, picked from trees, or cut from animals? Do I have to eat food, or can I eat air? What would happen if I didn't eat? Find the answers to these questions in this new class.
*Focus: Proper ingestion techniques, food; am I ready for it?
*Required Text: "Karen Carpenter; Gone too Soon" Patterson, Donna. 1989
"What's Coming Out of my Butt?" Herman, Reese. 1993
-MTSU 1525-004 Safe Microwave Techniques: Prof. Stutzman
This course will guide you through the proper way to use your microwave. You will learn the many things that are not meant to be microwaved and some of those that are. We end the semester with a tutorial on the proper time to let a burrito cool before consumption.
*Focus: Open door, place item inside, close door, set timer. Repeat as necessary.
*Required Texts: "Mommy, What Happened to Mittens? Why Cats and Microwaves Don't Mix." Hornby, Allsion. 1979
-PORU 5675-095 Not Again! A Scholarly Take on Bed-Wetting: Prof. Lynch (T.A. Prof. Mullowney)
An insider's look at the phenomenon that is bed-wetting. This once banished childhood problem often comes back to haunt college students. Why? Guest Lecture by MTV's Gideon Yago entitled "I do it too; my struggle with the soggy sheets."
*Focus: proper sheet washing techniques. "Blaming it on her" symposium.
*Required Texts: "The Tinkle Express; It's Always on Time" Nairn, Keith. 2000
"Puddle of Shame" Various Authors. 1992
-DINO 1000-001 Dinosaurs; How Cool is That?: Prof. Felly
This new class is designed to introduce students to the coolness that dinosaurs must have possessed. There will be one research paper on the topic "If I could be a dinosaur, I would be a"" and special field trips to blockbuster to rent "Jurassic Park" editions 1-3 to get a real life example of just how "cool" dinosaurs are.
*Focus: DNA regeneration. What to do with all the poop?
*Required Texts: "ROAAAAR!" Seidell, Streeter. 2004
"Big Teeth, Big Eyes, Small Brains; The Dumb Blonde/Dinosaur Connection" Fahey, Jeanne. 1982
-PHRU 1000-001 Introduction To Philosophy: Prof. Kindervater.
This class will provide students with an introduction to some of the greatest thinkers in human history. Such issues as morality, vanity, and rightness will be examined in detail as we go through the works of Plato, Socrates, Descartes, and Mill.
*Focus: developing a rational mind for career opportunities.
*Required Texts: "The Human Condition" Cooper, Brandywine. 2001
WHAT A JOKE! Have a great Fall semester!
People You Hate V
by Streeter Seidell April 23, 2004
-OH MY GOD! GET DOWN!!! It's another edition of the famous Hate List coming atcha! Yes, I know it has been just a few short days since our last ranting, but there seems to be quite a lot of hate coming from you guys, so I felt another edition was due. But why waste time telling you about all of that, here comes the hate train, right on time.
-MINE:
-The Hulk: Also know as Mr. Beer muscles, this idiot has to show off how strong he is whenever he is drunk. OH, look at you, you can pick up the keg all by yourself! Now, do me a favor and drop it on your fucking head! Oh wow, aren't you just the bell of the ball because you picked up the couch with 4 people on it. I'm so impressed by your feats of strength. I wish I could pick things up like you"oh wait, I can. I'm just not that much of a douchebag that I need to broadcast my strength to everybody. Oh yeah, that's just what everyone at the party wants to see, you doing pushups, you vain fuck. Why don't you try picking up a girl instead? What's that you say, because you're too busy being a total assclown? I thought so. I hope you have a brain aneurism, you bulky shit"I Hate You!
-The Sophisticated Slob: "Hmmm, I wonder how I can look smart and look like I party at the same time? I know, I'll wear a sportscoat AND flipflops!" Ohhhh, how brilliant of you! Not only do you look smart and party-ready, but you look like a total ass at the same time. I bet your mom would be proud, you pompous fuck. What's next, an ascot and a beach towel? The Wall Street Journal and a beer bong? A pocket watch at a wet tee shirt contest? I'm so cool I can be ready to party and ready to debate the socio-economic decay in urban markets AT THE SAME TIME! Go kill yourself, you oxymoronic bastard"I Hate You!
-Ms. Calorie: "Do you know that there are 300 calories in that sandwich?" "You might want to get a Bud Light, regular Bud has 100 more calories than Bud Light." I DON'T FUCKING CARE! I'm fat"anyone can see that. So obviously I don't take much time considering my caloric intake over the course of any given day. But, apparently you do care about what I eat and drink to an annoying degree. Just let me enjoy my goddamned nachos without hovering over me counting up all the fucking calories. Yes, I know with each bite I bring myself one step closer to cardiac arrest, but you know what? This plate of cheese covered heaven tastes fantastic. And do you know what would make it even better? If you would shut your fucking mouth and go gnaw on some celery. You want to eat like an anorexic rabbit, be my guest. Me, I like dead animals and cheese, so shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my obescity, you annoying bitch"I Hate You!
-NOW FOR SOME OF YOURS:
-Reader Jason B. really hates: Too-Good-For-Bud-Light Freshmen: This is the freshmen who comes to college and refuses to drink lite beers or anything of lower grade than a micro-brew. If the 21-plus guy in the hall is nice enough to offer to buy him something he asks for Youngs or Magic Hat or some obscure beer he hasn't drank before. Look dude, the 21-plus guy has six 30 racks of Bud Light and Beast to buy, and the last thing he needs is to look for some random beer at 8pm. You're probably too timid to bring it in passed the front desk anyway. You pussy"I Hate You!
-Reader Anna D. really hates: The Hairless Tuna Guido- maybe it's just my school, but what is with all the guys shaving their body hair and eating strictly protien diets? everyday i watch them walk to the gym through my window with bandannas tied around their head, legs that are shinier than mine, and wife beaters on. I hope someone drops a heavy weight on their small steroid testicles and they have to undergo testicle retrieval surgery. Grow some hair you greasy fucks"I hate you!
-Reader Ant P. (that's really funny if you think about it) really hates: Gym fags. Skinny little kids who throw way to much weight on the bar when they are doing exercises, and see fit to use the whole momentum of their body just to lift this obscene about of weight, such as 98 pound boys trying to curl twice their own body weight by practically bending over backwards and swinging the bar. This would be acceptable because not everyone knows about weightlifting, but coupled with the fact that this little rat sees it necessary to roll his sleeves up, grunt, look in the mirror at every moment possible, and then try to give me advice just pushes this little shit over my tolerance threshold. Roll your sleeves down and learn what the fuck you are doing before you ever step foot in a weight room again gym fag...I hate you!
-Reader Carlos really hates: "Mr. I'm a bad-ass in the mosh-pit who drinks only girly drinks." This mockery of a human being rocks a child molester moustache and the same dirty Van Halen t-shirt that he got way back when Diamond Dave still had all the coke and groupies he could ask for. This felcher who has the IQ of a bag of hammers will come up to the bar with his numbnuts buddies and talk loudly and at great length about "dude I totally punched that guy in the clavicle" and in the next breath ask me for a Malibu fuckin' bay breeze. Hey you gooch licker! Shut the fuck up about your war stories and order a scotch already. I HATE YOU!
-Reader Barrie G. really hates: The Nodder: I swear there is one in every class. The teacher makes a remark "A squared plus B squared equals C squared", and they look like a bobble head doll. No matter what the teacher says, they nod and nod and nod and nod. It could be "I am so constipated, I think my ass is going to explode", and they STILL NOD! AND write it in their notebooks. If you come into class hungover, watch out for the nodder. If you look at them, you'll either pass out or puke all over yourself. HEY ASS CLOWN! NO ONE CARES THAT YOU UNDERSTAND! (funny thing is, they probably DON'T) WRITE IT DOWN IN YOUR FUCKING NOTEBOOK AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!! And, oh yeah, I really hate you.
-Reader Lindsey R. really hates: Mr. Useless information guy: This is the guy who sits in the back and pipes up with useless information every five minutes that no one, not even the Prof., cares about. Just because you LIKE history doesn't mean everyone needs to know how your neighbor's great-uncles, second cousin was talking to someone who knew a person who was at the first grocery store in America. STOP TALKING!!! Just let me get through my three hour history class so I can nap!-- Man, I HATE YOU!!!
-Reader John P. really hates: Naysayers: I hate the guy that says that there's no way we're going to win our next football game because our team sucks and isn't worth shit, even if we did just beat two 7th placed teams in a row. He says it's because if he doesn't get his hopes up, then he won't be let down. But at the same time, if you're never happy before, and you aren't happy afterwards, then you're never happy. I'd rather be excited beforehand and if worst comes to worst, unhappy afterwards, but at least I can enjoy life at some point, you morbid fuck"I hate you!
-Reader Jeanette G. really hates: the everyone-i-know-has a-disease person: This person's brother has some kind of cancer and their mom died in a car crash and their father smokes, so you know he's gonna die soon, and their cousin has ADD and their sister has depression while their uncle has gonorrhea. News flash bitch: you have something called being a pathological LIAR. Even if everyone you know or are related to has a disease...what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? Care? And this person is also the type that believes if someone they know DOESN'T have a disease that someone you know has...it must not be real... ?!?!!WTF?!?!? Why don't you catch something and die? I hate you!
-Finally, reader Timothy C. (whose initials are TLC, by the way) really hates: the person who insists on one-upping you. No matter what you say they have to combat with "really well I have BLAH BLAH BLAH" or "I am sorry that you have three finals in the same day and your tired from studying all night but look, I stumped my toe last night at the bar and it really hurts!!!' you fucking ass-bag shut the hell up, go talk to a fucking tree...Yours parents might have put up with this but your my roommate now and i will kick the shit out of you....I hate you
-Mmm, Mmm, Mmmm! That was some tasty hate. Of course, there will be more on the way shortly. Keep those Hate Lists coming to suxatlife@hotmail.com and I'll make sure to keep the famous Hate List alive and bitter.
-MINE:
-The Hulk: Also know as Mr. Beer muscles, this idiot has to show off how strong he is whenever he is drunk. OH, look at you, you can pick up the keg all by yourself! Now, do me a favor and drop it on your fucking head! Oh wow, aren't you just the bell of the ball because you picked up the couch with 4 people on it. I'm so impressed by your feats of strength. I wish I could pick things up like you"oh wait, I can. I'm just not that much of a douchebag that I need to broadcast my strength to everybody. Oh yeah, that's just what everyone at the party wants to see, you doing pushups, you vain fuck. Why don't you try picking up a girl instead? What's that you say, because you're too busy being a total assclown? I thought so. I hope you have a brain aneurism, you bulky shit"I Hate You!
-The Sophisticated Slob: "Hmmm, I wonder how I can look smart and look like I party at the same time? I know, I'll wear a sportscoat AND flipflops!" Ohhhh, how brilliant of you! Not only do you look smart and party-ready, but you look like a total ass at the same time. I bet your mom would be proud, you pompous fuck. What's next, an ascot and a beach towel? The Wall Street Journal and a beer bong? A pocket watch at a wet tee shirt contest? I'm so cool I can be ready to party and ready to debate the socio-economic decay in urban markets AT THE SAME TIME! Go kill yourself, you oxymoronic bastard"I Hate You!
-Ms. Calorie: "Do you know that there are 300 calories in that sandwich?" "You might want to get a Bud Light, regular Bud has 100 more calories than Bud Light." I DON'T FUCKING CARE! I'm fat"anyone can see that. So obviously I don't take much time considering my caloric intake over the course of any given day. But, apparently you do care about what I eat and drink to an annoying degree. Just let me enjoy my goddamned nachos without hovering over me counting up all the fucking calories. Yes, I know with each bite I bring myself one step closer to cardiac arrest, but you know what? This plate of cheese covered heaven tastes fantastic. And do you know what would make it even better? If you would shut your fucking mouth and go gnaw on some celery. You want to eat like an anorexic rabbit, be my guest. Me, I like dead animals and cheese, so shut the fuck up and let me enjoy my obescity, you annoying bitch"I Hate You!
-NOW FOR SOME OF YOURS:
-Reader Jason B. really hates: Too-Good-For-Bud-Light Freshmen: This is the freshmen who comes to college and refuses to drink lite beers or anything of lower grade than a micro-brew. If the 21-plus guy in the hall is nice enough to offer to buy him something he asks for Youngs or Magic Hat or some obscure beer he hasn't drank before. Look dude, the 21-plus guy has six 30 racks of Bud Light and Beast to buy, and the last thing he needs is to look for some random beer at 8pm. You're probably too timid to bring it in passed the front desk anyway. You pussy"I Hate You!
-Reader Anna D. really hates: The Hairless Tuna Guido- maybe it's just my school, but what is with all the guys shaving their body hair and eating strictly protien diets? everyday i watch them walk to the gym through my window with bandannas tied around their head, legs that are shinier than mine, and wife beaters on. I hope someone drops a heavy weight on their small steroid testicles and they have to undergo testicle retrieval surgery. Grow some hair you greasy fucks"I hate you!
-Reader Ant P. (that's really funny if you think about it) really hates: Gym fags. Skinny little kids who throw way to much weight on the bar when they are doing exercises, and see fit to use the whole momentum of their body just to lift this obscene about of weight, such as 98 pound boys trying to curl twice their own body weight by practically bending over backwards and swinging the bar. This would be acceptable because not everyone knows about weightlifting, but coupled with the fact that this little rat sees it necessary to roll his sleeves up, grunt, look in the mirror at every moment possible, and then try to give me advice just pushes this little shit over my tolerance threshold. Roll your sleeves down and learn what the fuck you are doing before you ever step foot in a weight room again gym fag...I hate you!
-Reader Carlos really hates: "Mr. I'm a bad-ass in the mosh-pit who drinks only girly drinks." This mockery of a human being rocks a child molester moustache and the same dirty Van Halen t-shirt that he got way back when Diamond Dave still had all the coke and groupies he could ask for. This felcher who has the IQ of a bag of hammers will come up to the bar with his numbnuts buddies and talk loudly and at great length about "dude I totally punched that guy in the clavicle" and in the next breath ask me for a Malibu fuckin' bay breeze. Hey you gooch licker! Shut the fuck up about your war stories and order a scotch already. I HATE YOU!
-Reader Barrie G. really hates: The Nodder: I swear there is one in every class. The teacher makes a remark "A squared plus B squared equals C squared", and they look like a bobble head doll. No matter what the teacher says, they nod and nod and nod and nod. It could be "I am so constipated, I think my ass is going to explode", and they STILL NOD! AND write it in their notebooks. If you come into class hungover, watch out for the nodder. If you look at them, you'll either pass out or puke all over yourself. HEY ASS CLOWN! NO ONE CARES THAT YOU UNDERSTAND! (funny thing is, they probably DON'T) WRITE IT DOWN IN YOUR FUCKING NOTEBOOK AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE!! And, oh yeah, I really hate you.
-Reader Lindsey R. really hates: Mr. Useless information guy: This is the guy who sits in the back and pipes up with useless information every five minutes that no one, not even the Prof., cares about. Just because you LIKE history doesn't mean everyone needs to know how your neighbor's great-uncles, second cousin was talking to someone who knew a person who was at the first grocery store in America. STOP TALKING!!! Just let me get through my three hour history class so I can nap!-- Man, I HATE YOU!!!
-Reader John P. really hates: Naysayers: I hate the guy that says that there's no way we're going to win our next football game because our team sucks and isn't worth shit, even if we did just beat two 7th placed teams in a row. He says it's because if he doesn't get his hopes up, then he won't be let down. But at the same time, if you're never happy before, and you aren't happy afterwards, then you're never happy. I'd rather be excited beforehand and if worst comes to worst, unhappy afterwards, but at least I can enjoy life at some point, you morbid fuck"I hate you!
-Reader Jeanette G. really hates: the everyone-i-know-has a-disease person: This person's brother has some kind of cancer and their mom died in a car crash and their father smokes, so you know he's gonna die soon, and their cousin has ADD and their sister has depression while their uncle has gonorrhea. News flash bitch: you have something called being a pathological LIAR. Even if everyone you know or are related to has a disease...what the fuck am i supposed to do about it? Care? And this person is also the type that believes if someone they know DOESN'T have a disease that someone you know has...it must not be real... ?!?!!WTF?!?!? Why don't you catch something and die? I hate you!
-Finally, reader Timothy C. (whose initials are TLC, by the way) really hates: the person who insists on one-upping you. No matter what you say they have to combat with "really well I have BLAH BLAH BLAH" or "I am sorry that you have three finals in the same day and your tired from studying all night but look, I stumped my toe last night at the bar and it really hurts!!!' you fucking ass-bag shut the hell up, go talk to a fucking tree...Yours parents might have put up with this but your my roommate now and i will kick the shit out of you....I hate you
-Mmm, Mmm, Mmmm! That was some tasty hate. Of course, there will be more on the way shortly. Keep those Hate Lists coming to suxatlife@hotmail.com and I'll make sure to keep the famous Hate List alive and bitter.
How Cool Is My Dad? I'll Tell You!
by Streeter Seidell April 21, 2004
-How cool is my Dad, you ask? Well, he's just about the coolest Dad on the planet, in fact. You may think your Dad is cooler because he bought you beer in high school and smoked pot with you, but not only could my Dad kick your Dad's ass, he could also seduce your Mom while he's at it. No, he wasn't a party dad which I appreciated because I didn't want to lose any girlfriends to him. But, as you will see by the end of this article, he is the coolest Dad around"hands down.
-First off, he named me Streeter, which I think is pretty cool. I bet you're wondering where I got such an awesome name from. Well, naturally the most awesomest of people, my Dad. And, not only did he name me Streeter, HIS name is Streeter too. I'm a junior (in college and in nomenclature)!
-Just listen to this roster of cool things that he has done: Thrown out of the Grand Canyon for life, refused entry to Mexico for having long hair, shot at twice, punched out a DJ onstage for flicking him off, has an identical twin brother, climbed the entire Eiffel Tower, convinced me for years that Santa Clause was real, made his way back from upstate New York to New Haven, Connecticut in his underwear with a live chicken, was in the same frat as the dad from "The Wonder Years", once drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels at 8 AM because he lost a bet involving retrieving the motor of a boat from the bottom of a lake, made an almost perfect replica of my house as a birdfeeder, shot my neighbor's window with a BB gun and then ran inside, AND, the greatest of all, won the Kenny Roger's Roasters annual Rib-a-thon consuming 36 ribs in 4 minutes.
-Not only has my Dad done a bunch of cool stuff, he is also naturally a cool guy. He can only watch TV if he is in his underwear, which used to scare some of my girlfriends, but I have since come to adopt the custom and find it quite enjoyable. He holds as his personal motto "DWAI-don't worry about it." However, any time I get a parking ticket or the bills come in, he seems to worry about it a lot. Now that my sister and I are out of the house, he has nothing left to complain about, so he has started to complain for other people, an uncanny feat. If he sees someone doing manual labor, he will always say, "Look at that guy, he hates his job." It's an amazing talent. Oh, he also knows a guy called Crazy Eddie who once beat a bear in a wresting match. If that isn't the coolest thing in the world, I don't know what is.
-But, if you still doubt the coolness of my Dad, listen to these testimonies.
-Tim Mullowney (my best friend), age 21: "You're Dad is awesome. Whenever I come home with you he makes me steak and lobster. Does he make that for you when you come home alone? No? Oh yeah, and he gave me $75 for the train that time"and it only cost $20!"
-My little sister, age 19: "Yeah, Dad rules. Remember that time he took me to H&M and let me buy whatever I wanted? Did he ever do that for you? No? Oh well, I'm pretty sure he still kind of likes you"even after that whole "being a cocaine mule' thing."
-Susan Seidell (my Mom), age?: "I love your father and I have for more than 30 years. He has given me one wonderful daughter and you"oh well, second time's the charm! We love your sister. When are you going to get a real job?"
-Crazy Eddie, age 56: "Me and your Dad go way back"back to the cosmic underworld, when all the druids walked the chalk cliffs of Kent. Eiiiiiiiiiiiii! I almost made a buffalo, beatbox, beatbox, beatbox! Everything is in the drawer, goooooo. Eat the cake, eat the cake, EAT THE CAKE! Jesussssssssssssss ate my dog!
-My Dad, age 54: "This article is stupid, Street. It doesn't reflect what a loving father I have been to you. Plus, you left out all of my accomplishments in the social work and psychological fields. Did you know, I was the youngest director of a rehabilitation center in Connecticu"shit, "NYPD Blue' is on"stop talking to me."
-My Dad is the coolest, and don't you say otherwise or he'll challenge you to a rib-a-thon and I don't think you want to be getting yourself mixed up in that, do you? I love you, Daddy!
-First off, he named me Streeter, which I think is pretty cool. I bet you're wondering where I got such an awesome name from. Well, naturally the most awesomest of people, my Dad. And, not only did he name me Streeter, HIS name is Streeter too. I'm a junior (in college and in nomenclature)!
-Just listen to this roster of cool things that he has done: Thrown out of the Grand Canyon for life, refused entry to Mexico for having long hair, shot at twice, punched out a DJ onstage for flicking him off, has an identical twin brother, climbed the entire Eiffel Tower, convinced me for years that Santa Clause was real, made his way back from upstate New York to New Haven, Connecticut in his underwear with a live chicken, was in the same frat as the dad from "The Wonder Years", once drank an entire bottle of Jack Daniels at 8 AM because he lost a bet involving retrieving the motor of a boat from the bottom of a lake, made an almost perfect replica of my house as a birdfeeder, shot my neighbor's window with a BB gun and then ran inside, AND, the greatest of all, won the Kenny Roger's Roasters annual Rib-a-thon consuming 36 ribs in 4 minutes.
-Not only has my Dad done a bunch of cool stuff, he is also naturally a cool guy. He can only watch TV if he is in his underwear, which used to scare some of my girlfriends, but I have since come to adopt the custom and find it quite enjoyable. He holds as his personal motto "DWAI-don't worry about it." However, any time I get a parking ticket or the bills come in, he seems to worry about it a lot. Now that my sister and I are out of the house, he has nothing left to complain about, so he has started to complain for other people, an uncanny feat. If he sees someone doing manual labor, he will always say, "Look at that guy, he hates his job." It's an amazing talent. Oh, he also knows a guy called Crazy Eddie who once beat a bear in a wresting match. If that isn't the coolest thing in the world, I don't know what is.
-But, if you still doubt the coolness of my Dad, listen to these testimonies.
-Tim Mullowney (my best friend), age 21: "You're Dad is awesome. Whenever I come home with you he makes me steak and lobster. Does he make that for you when you come home alone? No? Oh yeah, and he gave me $75 for the train that time"and it only cost $20!"
-My little sister, age 19: "Yeah, Dad rules. Remember that time he took me to H&M and let me buy whatever I wanted? Did he ever do that for you? No? Oh well, I'm pretty sure he still kind of likes you"even after that whole "being a cocaine mule' thing."
-Susan Seidell (my Mom), age?: "I love your father and I have for more than 30 years. He has given me one wonderful daughter and you"oh well, second time's the charm! We love your sister. When are you going to get a real job?"
-Crazy Eddie, age 56: "Me and your Dad go way back"back to the cosmic underworld, when all the druids walked the chalk cliffs of Kent. Eiiiiiiiiiiiii! I almost made a buffalo, beatbox, beatbox, beatbox! Everything is in the drawer, goooooo. Eat the cake, eat the cake, EAT THE CAKE! Jesussssssssssssss ate my dog!
-My Dad, age 54: "This article is stupid, Street. It doesn't reflect what a loving father I have been to you. Plus, you left out all of my accomplishments in the social work and psychological fields. Did you know, I was the youngest director of a rehabilitation center in Connecticu"shit, "NYPD Blue' is on"stop talking to me."
-My Dad is the coolest, and don't you say otherwise or he'll challenge you to a rib-a-thon and I don't think you want to be getting yourself mixed up in that, do you? I love you, Daddy!
Jesus Is Playing Hide And Seek...In Your Music!
by Streeter Seidell April 21, 2004
-I am a closet Stacey Orico fan. I'll admit it; I'm only kind of ashamed about it. I really enjoy her powerful voice and masterfully produced hit singles. However, I recently found out that she is Christian pop artist! Wait; let that settle in"a CHRISTIAN pop artist. If there is anything less cool than being dead, it's singing about Jesus. Not that Jesus isn't the man, just that he's not exactly the first thing you think of when you think about rock n' roll (can you see JC drinking a bottle of whiskey and lighting a groupie on fire? No? Me neither).
-So, when I hear young Stacey sing "There's got to be more to life than chasing that every temporary high," I am now forced to believe that the thing missing from her life is not my sexual pleasure, but the love Jesus! That's horrible. Way to ruin my fantasy Stacey. But hey, I've been with people that have had sex with me and invoked the name of Jesus at the same time. (Ex. Jesus! That hurts, don't do that anymore, you dick!)
-Now, this got me thinking. A lot of musicians could be doing just what Stacey is, pretending to sing about sex, drugs, and rock n' roll, while really singing about Jesus and God and all that stuff that people who pretend they are better than everyone like. For instance, when Maroon 5 sings "This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye too many times before," are they really singing about Mary Magdalene leaving Jesus at the foot of the cross? Or perhaps the issue of divorce within the Catholic Church?
-When that wholesomely annoying band, The Black Eyed Peas says, "Let's get retarded," do they really mean, "Let's get retarded"for the Lord and all His glory?" I would like to think that they are just singing about getting drunk, but there may be a deeper meaning.
-When Eamon sings "Fuck you, you ho. I don't want you back," is he recalling Jesus' refusal of the Devil's temptations in the desert? And who is this "Rocketman" Elton John was talking about? The only person I know that can fly is Jesus. "Stacey's Mom"""Jesus' Mom""Mary"sound familiar? "Sweet Child of Mine," is almost certainly about Mary's first words to the baby Jesus. Guns n' Roses were way into God, have you seen the "November Rain" video? They're in a church! Jay-Z may have "99 Problems" but the Lord is certainly not one of them.
-When The Who sing about a "teenage wasteland," they are really singing about how young people today have turned their back on the risen Christ. "Hey Jude" sounds uncannily like "Hey Judas""think about it. Hey Weezer, you know who else looked like Buddy Holly if you cut his hair and gave him glasses".Jesus! When Thin Lizzy sings about the boys being back in town, they obviously talking about Jesus and the 12 disciples coming gloriously into Jerusalem.
-But I think the most potent hidden Christina message in all of the popular songs of our time is in a Blink 182 song. They sing these potent lyrics; "He's a player, diarrhea giver," in Dysentery Gary. C'mon, everyone knows that those were Jesus' last words to Peter before he went to heaven. "Upon this rock, I will build my church...I am the one God, the holy light, and you will know my Father, he's a player, diarreah giver."
-I hope you have found this as disturbing as I have. I want to believe that these singers are just concerned with sex and partying"as I am. But now that I know they are all about God, I don't feel I can relate anymore. So Stacey, you may have turned to the Lord, but at least Creed still makes some solid rock n' roll with non-religious theme.
-So, when I hear young Stacey sing "There's got to be more to life than chasing that every temporary high," I am now forced to believe that the thing missing from her life is not my sexual pleasure, but the love Jesus! That's horrible. Way to ruin my fantasy Stacey. But hey, I've been with people that have had sex with me and invoked the name of Jesus at the same time. (Ex. Jesus! That hurts, don't do that anymore, you dick!)
-Now, this got me thinking. A lot of musicians could be doing just what Stacey is, pretending to sing about sex, drugs, and rock n' roll, while really singing about Jesus and God and all that stuff that people who pretend they are better than everyone like. For instance, when Maroon 5 sings "This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye too many times before," are they really singing about Mary Magdalene leaving Jesus at the foot of the cross? Or perhaps the issue of divorce within the Catholic Church?
-When that wholesomely annoying band, The Black Eyed Peas says, "Let's get retarded," do they really mean, "Let's get retarded"for the Lord and all His glory?" I would like to think that they are just singing about getting drunk, but there may be a deeper meaning.
-When Eamon sings "Fuck you, you ho. I don't want you back," is he recalling Jesus' refusal of the Devil's temptations in the desert? And who is this "Rocketman" Elton John was talking about? The only person I know that can fly is Jesus. "Stacey's Mom"""Jesus' Mom""Mary"sound familiar? "Sweet Child of Mine," is almost certainly about Mary's first words to the baby Jesus. Guns n' Roses were way into God, have you seen the "November Rain" video? They're in a church! Jay-Z may have "99 Problems" but the Lord is certainly not one of them.
-When The Who sing about a "teenage wasteland," they are really singing about how young people today have turned their back on the risen Christ. "Hey Jude" sounds uncannily like "Hey Judas""think about it. Hey Weezer, you know who else looked like Buddy Holly if you cut his hair and gave him glasses".Jesus! When Thin Lizzy sings about the boys being back in town, they obviously talking about Jesus and the 12 disciples coming gloriously into Jerusalem.
-But I think the most potent hidden Christina message in all of the popular songs of our time is in a Blink 182 song. They sing these potent lyrics; "He's a player, diarrhea giver," in Dysentery Gary. C'mon, everyone knows that those were Jesus' last words to Peter before he went to heaven. "Upon this rock, I will build my church...I am the one God, the holy light, and you will know my Father, he's a player, diarreah giver."
-I hope you have found this as disturbing as I have. I want to believe that these singers are just concerned with sex and partying"as I am. But now that I know they are all about God, I don't feel I can relate anymore. So Stacey, you may have turned to the Lord, but at least Creed still makes some solid rock n' roll with non-religious theme.
My Little Poem About Spring
by Streeter Seidell April 20, 2004
My Little Poem About Spring
By Streeter Seidell, age 21
Oh, look out the window
And what do you see
A small humming bird
Buzzing your tree.
And right at the moment
It goes off like a flare
The weather is warm
And spring is in the air
Soon I will be cavorting
With my friends, I assume
Drinking, for once
Outside of my room.
And when that first Natty is cracked
On a field of green grass
I will smile and cheer
And out will I pass.
But when I come to
What a wonderful sight,
10,000 frisbees
all in full flight.
There are girls out a'jogging
And boys staring in awe
At the beautiful bouncing bodies
Which lowered their jaws.
I turn to my left
And what do I see?
A fine lovely lady
Staring at me.
So I ask why she is looking
From her spot on the grass
And she tells me, "because
you have dirt on your ass."
Oh Christ, by this comment
I was truly hurt
Until, that is, I realized
I could see up her skirt.
So I tilted my head
For a last glance at her crotch
then told all my friends
so they could go watch.
And after the peeping
To the grill we did head
To cook up some animals
Once alive and now dead.
As the fat crackled
Like a choir in mass
I realized that today
I had skipped all my class.
But not to be bothered,
I feasted on meat
And sipped my cold beer
While a dog licked my feet.
"What else is Spring
Besides beer, broads, and fun?"
I asked myself
As I grilled up a bun.
I've suffered through snow
Through rain and through sleet
So I knew that this moment
Could never be beat.
I was one with the world
In my head, not a care
And I knew in an instant
That Spring was in the air.
For Jeanne and Jamie, my topless gymnastics companions. You are the embodiment of Spring.
By Streeter Seidell, age 21
Oh, look out the window
And what do you see
A small humming bird
Buzzing your tree.
And right at the moment
It goes off like a flare
The weather is warm
And spring is in the air
Soon I will be cavorting
With my friends, I assume
Drinking, for once
Outside of my room.
And when that first Natty is cracked
On a field of green grass
I will smile and cheer
And out will I pass.
But when I come to
What a wonderful sight,
10,000 frisbees
all in full flight.
There are girls out a'jogging
And boys staring in awe
At the beautiful bouncing bodies
Which lowered their jaws.
I turn to my left
And what do I see?
A fine lovely lady
Staring at me.
So I ask why she is looking
From her spot on the grass
And she tells me, "because
you have dirt on your ass."
Oh Christ, by this comment
I was truly hurt
Until, that is, I realized
I could see up her skirt.
So I tilted my head
For a last glance at her crotch
then told all my friends
so they could go watch.
And after the peeping
To the grill we did head
To cook up some animals
Once alive and now dead.
As the fat crackled
Like a choir in mass
I realized that today
I had skipped all my class.
But not to be bothered,
I feasted on meat
And sipped my cold beer
While a dog licked my feet.
"What else is Spring
Besides beer, broads, and fun?"
I asked myself
As I grilled up a bun.
I've suffered through snow
Through rain and through sleet
So I knew that this moment
Could never be beat.
I was one with the world
In my head, not a care
And I knew in an instant
That Spring was in the air.
For Jeanne and Jamie, my topless gymnastics companions. You are the embodiment of Spring.
Plagerific
by Streeter Seidell April 20, 2004
-A few days ago, there was a debacle here when a young man from Penn State plagiarized one of my columns (The Ten Commandments of College). Collegehumor.com and Steve Hofstetter, lovely parental figures that they are, rushed to my assistance and took swift action against the Penn State Daily Collegian. The writer was fired by his editor, Lynn Funk, and an apology was written to myself and collegehumor.com, so the whole ugly incident is dead and gone. However, it is not over for me.
-Since this little incident occurred I have had many people come to my defense and offer their support for protecting my work. Naturally I was overjoyed by all of this, but then there were other people. These people seem to have gone through every issue I have ever written and try to find things that I have pilfered from other writers.
-First, one of my subscribers pointed out that an article I wrote ("I Wish I Had a Nickname") sounded a lot like a front page update done by James Girvin called "Poop the Goldfish; A Eulogy." (very funny) I gave that update another read and found one part that was similar.
-James'
"" I could walk into any room and say something akin to "Wow, it smells a lot like Poop in here." It would be hilarious!!!! Exclamation point!
" You could get chummy your fellow fish-owning friends with phrases like "Hey, your fish looks a lot like poop," or "Wow, even Poop is more attractive than your goldfish there."
" How about going to a fancy restaurant on a first date, ordering some nice swordfish, take a bite, and exclaiming to your girlfriend: "I wonder if this is what my Poop would taste like if I cooked it." Guaranteed to ensure either a second date."
-Mine
"Being dumb, I decided I would try to give myself a nickname. "Hey guys," I called out to my rabble of friends one evening over hot slop at the caf, "you guys should call me condom from now on," I suggested. Why condom? I didn't really have a reason to be called that, I just thought it sounded funny. "Hey condom, toss me a beer." "Condommmmm, how you been dude?" "Have you met my friend condom?" The possibilities were endless."
-Yes, that passage is similar, so I changed it a little bit when I posted it. However, the subject matter is clearly different. One is about nicknames; the other is about a pet goldfish. The similarity is one of style, not content. I suppose James and I have similar styles, but that doesn't mean I stole the idea of dreaming about the ways in which a funny name could be applied from him. I respect his writing and wouldn't do such a shitty thing.
-Look through all the writing on collegehumor.com and see how many of us have written about dirty rooms, bad food, girls, drinking, RAs, hooking up, etc"It's called a theme and college happens to provide ripe ground for a great number of them which we all write about in our own ways. We don't steal from each other. In fact, we respect each other's work and often congratulate each other on it. C'mon, if I was going to plagiarize someone else's work (which I would not because I am not a hack and I can think of my own ideas), I wouldn't do it to someone who works for the same website. That would be like farting in an elevator and blaming it on the only other person riding it with you.
-But even more absurd than the claim that I stole writing from another writer on collegehumor, is one that I stole the idea for the nickname article from a live journal. This just made me laugh. First of all, I didn't even know he had a live journal, and I certainly didn't know how to get to it. Secondly, he hadn't even read my article before he accused me of stealing his idea. Thirdly, there are millions of live journals out there and I'm sure about 100 people wrote about nicknames the same day I posted my article. After reading my article, and me reading his, we agreed that they were very different. His was about how to change your nickname; mine was about how I wanted one. So we worked it out and all is settled there.
-But, best of all, the nickname article was written before James' update and before this live journal entry. Like many writers, I have a bunch of articles that I keep on the backburner until I feel it is time to post them. This nickname one was written about a month ago and has been sitting around in my computer waiting for its time to shine.
-So, I would just like to take this time to say that I do not plagiarize, nor will I ever. How dumb do you think I am? Why would I plagiarize someone else's work when there was a situation about someone plagiarizing mine going on at the same time? If you're going to go through my writing and try to find ripped material and tell me about it, it had better be the real deal (by this, I mean it had better have the same wording, subject, and style). However, you will not find anything like that. I, like all the other collegehumor writers, am not a hack and I take it as a personal insult and an insult to collegehumor to be called one. (say that in a British accent for maximum effect) As you can see, I am very angry about these insinuations. I work for a great website, I respect the people who run it and I would not screw them over by stealing material. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bunch of random live journals to read so I can do some research.
Still no email Mary-Kate?
-Since this little incident occurred I have had many people come to my defense and offer their support for protecting my work. Naturally I was overjoyed by all of this, but then there were other people. These people seem to have gone through every issue I have ever written and try to find things that I have pilfered from other writers.
-First, one of my subscribers pointed out that an article I wrote ("I Wish I Had a Nickname") sounded a lot like a front page update done by James Girvin called "Poop the Goldfish; A Eulogy." (very funny) I gave that update another read and found one part that was similar.
-James'
"" I could walk into any room and say something akin to "Wow, it smells a lot like Poop in here." It would be hilarious!!!! Exclamation point!
" You could get chummy your fellow fish-owning friends with phrases like "Hey, your fish looks a lot like poop," or "Wow, even Poop is more attractive than your goldfish there."
" How about going to a fancy restaurant on a first date, ordering some nice swordfish, take a bite, and exclaiming to your girlfriend: "I wonder if this is what my Poop would taste like if I cooked it." Guaranteed to ensure either a second date."
-Mine
"Being dumb, I decided I would try to give myself a nickname. "Hey guys," I called out to my rabble of friends one evening over hot slop at the caf, "you guys should call me condom from now on," I suggested. Why condom? I didn't really have a reason to be called that, I just thought it sounded funny. "Hey condom, toss me a beer." "Condommmmm, how you been dude?" "Have you met my friend condom?" The possibilities were endless."
-Yes, that passage is similar, so I changed it a little bit when I posted it. However, the subject matter is clearly different. One is about nicknames; the other is about a pet goldfish. The similarity is one of style, not content. I suppose James and I have similar styles, but that doesn't mean I stole the idea of dreaming about the ways in which a funny name could be applied from him. I respect his writing and wouldn't do such a shitty thing.
-Look through all the writing on collegehumor.com and see how many of us have written about dirty rooms, bad food, girls, drinking, RAs, hooking up, etc"It's called a theme and college happens to provide ripe ground for a great number of them which we all write about in our own ways. We don't steal from each other. In fact, we respect each other's work and often congratulate each other on it. C'mon, if I was going to plagiarize someone else's work (which I would not because I am not a hack and I can think of my own ideas), I wouldn't do it to someone who works for the same website. That would be like farting in an elevator and blaming it on the only other person riding it with you.
-But even more absurd than the claim that I stole writing from another writer on collegehumor, is one that I stole the idea for the nickname article from a live journal. This just made me laugh. First of all, I didn't even know he had a live journal, and I certainly didn't know how to get to it. Secondly, he hadn't even read my article before he accused me of stealing his idea. Thirdly, there are millions of live journals out there and I'm sure about 100 people wrote about nicknames the same day I posted my article. After reading my article, and me reading his, we agreed that they were very different. His was about how to change your nickname; mine was about how I wanted one. So we worked it out and all is settled there.
-But, best of all, the nickname article was written before James' update and before this live journal entry. Like many writers, I have a bunch of articles that I keep on the backburner until I feel it is time to post them. This nickname one was written about a month ago and has been sitting around in my computer waiting for its time to shine.
-So, I would just like to take this time to say that I do not plagiarize, nor will I ever. How dumb do you think I am? Why would I plagiarize someone else's work when there was a situation about someone plagiarizing mine going on at the same time? If you're going to go through my writing and try to find ripped material and tell me about it, it had better be the real deal (by this, I mean it had better have the same wording, subject, and style). However, you will not find anything like that. I, like all the other collegehumor writers, am not a hack and I take it as a personal insult and an insult to collegehumor to be called one. (say that in a British accent for maximum effect) As you can see, I am very angry about these insinuations. I work for a great website, I respect the people who run it and I would not screw them over by stealing material. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bunch of random live journals to read so I can do some research.
Still no email Mary-Kate?
People You Hate IV
by Streeter Seidell April 19, 2004
-Uh Ohhhhh, it's time for another edition of the famous Hate List. This weeks issue brings you hate from all people of all walks of life, plus a little from yours truly. I hope you find all these people as angering as I do.
-Mine:
-Chatty Caf Worker- All I wanted to do was go to the counter and order a goddamned plate of ziti. This shouldn't take to long. It is not as if there is much science behind scooping up a pile of gooey noodles and slopping them down on a plate, is there? Then why did it take five minutes, you ask? Because of the Chatty Caf Worker, that's why. This idiot will stand behind the counter, spoon in hand, and carry on lively conversations with his/her fellow workers while you stand there like an asshole with an empty tray. After about five minutes they will turn to you, look very annoyed, and say "whatcha want." They will then act as if you have caused them some major inconvienience by asking them to simply do their (easy) job. Oh my, I'm so sorry I had to interrupt your thrilling story about how your kid got in a fight at preschool. It is just that I am FUCKING STARVING! Shut your big, fat, dumb mouth for five fucking seconds and give me my goddamned ziti, you dumb fuck"I Hate You!
-The Proud Puker- "Holy shit dude, last night I puked, like, 7 times at the bar. And then, when I woke up this morning, I puked, like, another 3 times in my garbage can. And then I puked all over my science book"" SHUT THE FUCK UP! Wow, I'm so impressed by your inability to hold down alcohol. What a talent! This dirtbag knows exactly when, where, and how many times he puked on any given night. That's fine, but I don't understand why he thinks I am interested in this knowledge. Does puking a lot make you cool? No, it doesn't, it makes you a loser. Yet, the Proud Puker still feels like if he tells me about all his vomiting I'll be impressed. Hey asshole, I don't care that you puked, I don't care how much you puked, and I don't care where you puked, so shut your sour-milk-smelling mouth. Puking is not something to be proud of you dumb shit"I Hate You!
-Skateboard Imposter- If I told you that I was going to buy some rollerblades and then just carry them around with me everywhere, you'd think I was crazy. However, that is exactly what this douchebag does"only it is with a skateboard. He'll be dressed like a hipster and will always have his useless skateboard under his arm. God forbid he ever tries to ride it! He just carries it around as if to say "hey, look at me. I'm so cool. I have a skateboard and you don't." Hey dickhead, why don't you try riding that skateboard from time to time? It could be fun? A skateboard is not an accessory, it is a device meant to move you from A to B. So put that fucking thing on the ground and ride it around so then I can make fun of you for being that kid that skateboards to class, you fucking poser (oh, there's a good insult from eighth grade)"I Hate You!
-Yours:
-Reader Katie J. really hates: People that walk around campus using their cell phone as a walkie talkie - that "two-way" bullshit. Ok, I'm pretty sure if you want a walkie talkie you can go to WalMart and buy one for like $20, but instead you dipshits buy an expensive cell phone (which by the way is an UPGRADE IN TECHNOLOGY from the walkie talkie) and then feel the need to subject everyone around you to your lame ass conversation. I HATE YOU
-Katie also hates: "I just started drinking now that I'm 21 guy" - this is the guy that always sat around and watched you get shit-faced through your 3 years of college and once his birthday hits begins to drink like he knows how - but he doesn't. He is like a freshman testing his limits and making a complete ass out of himself. It would be tolerable if he was a freshman, but he's 21 -it's just pathetic and sad. Why does god waste the blessing of being 21 on this piece of shit. I HATE YOU!
-Reader Andrew W. really hates: The "I have a friend who"- These people can't make it through a conversation without making a reference to some friend back home. Sorry if I'm not as good as your friends back home, and I can't do a 360 dunk in basketball, drink 30 beers in one sitting, leap over buildings, or other superhuman feats. But I'm here damnit and I'm a human being. Show some respect for humble folk like me. You can go flying around the worlds with you extraordinary friends during school breaks, and maybe even suck each other's dicks if you get a chance. I hate you.
-Andrew also hates: People who dress like weirdos and think they are geniuses.- Its true many times that the very elite minds of a day and an age will bounce to a different beat. But just because you're weird, don't expect me to treat you like you are some sort of eccentric god. If someone's really smart, sometimes they tend to have strange personal characteristics. But, just because you are a fucking weirdo doesn't mean i have an ounce of respect for you. Get a life, get some friends. I hate you.
-Reader Ashley M. really hates: The Class-Cancellers: These are the professors who decide to cancel class at the last minute. It's always the 8 am class where attendance is taken too. The class that I roll my ass out of bed for at 7. Then I get there only to find out that there is no fucking class that day. Now what do I do? There isn't enough time to go back to my room and go to sleep since I have another class at 9:30. I have nothing I need to get done anywhere on campus. NO! I have to fucking sit around with my thumb up my ass for an hour and a half while the damn professor is probably at home sleeping like I should be. So fuck you Sarah Meredith for canceling 3 classes at the last minute this semester and ruining perfectly good sleep time. I hate you.
-Reader Amanda B. really hates: that girl in my english class who overpronounces her Ts and wears really short pants. She also says "believe" so it rhymes with "queef." Hey ass clown, your fucking half assed attempt at making a comment could take half as long if you wouldn't insisttttttt on enunciatttting every damn consonanttttt. You also need to buy some pants that fit your short chubby little frame, you fat douchebag. I hate you.
-Reader Anna D. really hates: The Fake Sick Shitter: throughout the course of college I have learned something about girls and shitting. Whenever one of my roommates takes a really gross crap they always come out of the bathroom and let out an exaggerated sigh/moan, as if to imply that the smell of their shit isn't just because their shit stinks, but because they are sick. And if you don't ask "what's wrong" they wait approx. 10seconds and then say something like "I am never eating pizza from there again." I just want to shake the shit out of them and let them know that they aren't fooling me! Their shit just stinks. Quit lying you smelly bitches"I hate you.
-Reader B.M. (bad initials to have man) really hates: Mr. Im drunk. I hate the person that you talk to online, and they're drunk. They make a point to tell you how drunk they are, and misspell every word. They're also the kid that walks around the halls stumbling and laughing, trying to show everyone that he has consumed some alcohol, and therefore, he is the man. Usually there away messages are clearly misspelled on purpose. If you're going to be that stupid or drunk that you can't correctly spell the word "the", then go blackout in a stairwell and rot...I hate you!
-Finally, Reader Jason B. really hates: The Too-Good-For-This-School Kid: This is the kid that constantly talks about how much other schools are better than the one he's in, but won"t give any reason why he hasn't transferred out of his school already. "Y" know, ___ University has better food than us." "____ University renovates their classrooms every year." "In fact, my dad makes X dollars and can afford to send me to ___ University." I'll only stop hating you once you shut the fuck up and transfer finally.
-That's all the hate for now. Keep those Hate Lists coming to suxatlife@hotmail.com. This has been another edition of the famous Hate List, brought to you by "streaking"it's like skinny dipping"but on land!"
-Mine:
-Chatty Caf Worker- All I wanted to do was go to the counter and order a goddamned plate of ziti. This shouldn't take to long. It is not as if there is much science behind scooping up a pile of gooey noodles and slopping them down on a plate, is there? Then why did it take five minutes, you ask? Because of the Chatty Caf Worker, that's why. This idiot will stand behind the counter, spoon in hand, and carry on lively conversations with his/her fellow workers while you stand there like an asshole with an empty tray. After about five minutes they will turn to you, look very annoyed, and say "whatcha want." They will then act as if you have caused them some major inconvienience by asking them to simply do their (easy) job. Oh my, I'm so sorry I had to interrupt your thrilling story about how your kid got in a fight at preschool. It is just that I am FUCKING STARVING! Shut your big, fat, dumb mouth for five fucking seconds and give me my goddamned ziti, you dumb fuck"I Hate You!
-The Proud Puker- "Holy shit dude, last night I puked, like, 7 times at the bar. And then, when I woke up this morning, I puked, like, another 3 times in my garbage can. And then I puked all over my science book"" SHUT THE FUCK UP! Wow, I'm so impressed by your inability to hold down alcohol. What a talent! This dirtbag knows exactly when, where, and how many times he puked on any given night. That's fine, but I don't understand why he thinks I am interested in this knowledge. Does puking a lot make you cool? No, it doesn't, it makes you a loser. Yet, the Proud Puker still feels like if he tells me about all his vomiting I'll be impressed. Hey asshole, I don't care that you puked, I don't care how much you puked, and I don't care where you puked, so shut your sour-milk-smelling mouth. Puking is not something to be proud of you dumb shit"I Hate You!
-Skateboard Imposter- If I told you that I was going to buy some rollerblades and then just carry them around with me everywhere, you'd think I was crazy. However, that is exactly what this douchebag does"only it is with a skateboard. He'll be dressed like a hipster and will always have his useless skateboard under his arm. God forbid he ever tries to ride it! He just carries it around as if to say "hey, look at me. I'm so cool. I have a skateboard and you don't." Hey dickhead, why don't you try riding that skateboard from time to time? It could be fun? A skateboard is not an accessory, it is a device meant to move you from A to B. So put that fucking thing on the ground and ride it around so then I can make fun of you for being that kid that skateboards to class, you fucking poser (oh, there's a good insult from eighth grade)"I Hate You!
-Yours:
-Reader Katie J. really hates: People that walk around campus using their cell phone as a walkie talkie - that "two-way" bullshit. Ok, I'm pretty sure if you want a walkie talkie you can go to WalMart and buy one for like $20, but instead you dipshits buy an expensive cell phone (which by the way is an UPGRADE IN TECHNOLOGY from the walkie talkie) and then feel the need to subject everyone around you to your lame ass conversation. I HATE YOU
-Katie also hates: "I just started drinking now that I'm 21 guy" - this is the guy that always sat around and watched you get shit-faced through your 3 years of college and once his birthday hits begins to drink like he knows how - but he doesn't. He is like a freshman testing his limits and making a complete ass out of himself. It would be tolerable if he was a freshman, but he's 21 -it's just pathetic and sad. Why does god waste the blessing of being 21 on this piece of shit. I HATE YOU!
-Reader Andrew W. really hates: The "I have a friend who"- These people can't make it through a conversation without making a reference to some friend back home. Sorry if I'm not as good as your friends back home, and I can't do a 360 dunk in basketball, drink 30 beers in one sitting, leap over buildings, or other superhuman feats. But I'm here damnit and I'm a human being. Show some respect for humble folk like me. You can go flying around the worlds with you extraordinary friends during school breaks, and maybe even suck each other's dicks if you get a chance. I hate you.
-Andrew also hates: People who dress like weirdos and think they are geniuses.- Its true many times that the very elite minds of a day and an age will bounce to a different beat. But just because you're weird, don't expect me to treat you like you are some sort of eccentric god. If someone's really smart, sometimes they tend to have strange personal characteristics. But, just because you are a fucking weirdo doesn't mean i have an ounce of respect for you. Get a life, get some friends. I hate you.
-Reader Ashley M. really hates: The Class-Cancellers: These are the professors who decide to cancel class at the last minute. It's always the 8 am class where attendance is taken too. The class that I roll my ass out of bed for at 7. Then I get there only to find out that there is no fucking class that day. Now what do I do? There isn't enough time to go back to my room and go to sleep since I have another class at 9:30. I have nothing I need to get done anywhere on campus. NO! I have to fucking sit around with my thumb up my ass for an hour and a half while the damn professor is probably at home sleeping like I should be. So fuck you Sarah Meredith for canceling 3 classes at the last minute this semester and ruining perfectly good sleep time. I hate you.
-Reader Amanda B. really hates: that girl in my english class who overpronounces her Ts and wears really short pants. She also says "believe" so it rhymes with "queef." Hey ass clown, your fucking half assed attempt at making a comment could take half as long if you wouldn't insisttttttt on enunciatttting every damn consonanttttt. You also need to buy some pants that fit your short chubby little frame, you fat douchebag. I hate you.
-Reader Anna D. really hates: The Fake Sick Shitter: throughout the course of college I have learned something about girls and shitting. Whenever one of my roommates takes a really gross crap they always come out of the bathroom and let out an exaggerated sigh/moan, as if to imply that the smell of their shit isn't just because their shit stinks, but because they are sick. And if you don't ask "what's wrong" they wait approx. 10seconds and then say something like "I am never eating pizza from there again." I just want to shake the shit out of them and let them know that they aren't fooling me! Their shit just stinks. Quit lying you smelly bitches"I hate you.
-Reader B.M. (bad initials to have man) really hates: Mr. Im drunk. I hate the person that you talk to online, and they're drunk. They make a point to tell you how drunk they are, and misspell every word. They're also the kid that walks around the halls stumbling and laughing, trying to show everyone that he has consumed some alcohol, and therefore, he is the man. Usually there away messages are clearly misspelled on purpose. If you're going to be that stupid or drunk that you can't correctly spell the word "the", then go blackout in a stairwell and rot...I hate you!
-Finally, Reader Jason B. really hates: The Too-Good-For-This-School Kid: This is the kid that constantly talks about how much other schools are better than the one he's in, but won"t give any reason why he hasn't transferred out of his school already. "Y" know, ___ University has better food than us." "____ University renovates their classrooms every year." "In fact, my dad makes X dollars and can afford to send me to ___ University." I'll only stop hating you once you shut the fuck up and transfer finally.
-That's all the hate for now. Keep those Hate Lists coming to suxatlife@hotmail.com. This has been another edition of the famous Hate List, brought to you by "streaking"it's like skinny dipping"but on land!"
I Wish I Had A Nickname
by Streeter Seidell April 19, 2004
-The one thing I definitely knew about college before I came here was that I would get a nickname. In every college movie ever made nicknames are handed out like free condoms at the health center. I was so excited to get my new name. Don't get me wrong, I like my name; it suits me very well. But I never had a nickname growing up, so by the time I was 18, I was good and ready for one.
-"I wonder what they'll call me?" I pondered over cigarettes in my car the night before I left for freshman year. "I bet they'll call me Dr. Drunk because I party so hard," I surmised. However, by the time my first semester of college had gone by, I was still nicknameless. "What can I do about this?" I wondered.
-Being dumb, I decided I would try to give myself a nickname. "Hey guys," I called out to my rabble of friends one evening over hot slop at the caf, "you guys should call me condom from now on," I suggested. Why condom? I didn't really have a reason to be called that, I just thought it sounded funny. "Hey condom, toss me a beer." "Condommmmm, how you been, dude?" "Have you met my friend condom?" The hilarity of these situations grew and grew as I replayed them in my mind.
-My friends, however, were not amused. "That's gay," a few of my friends suggested. They pointed out that one can never give themselves a nickname; it has to come by divine inspiration. Usually, the rule is anyone who has given themselves a nickname will be given an embarrassing one by their friends. I was exempt from this because, as they pointed out, "Your name is weird enough, we're not giving you a nickname too."
-I didn't even get a shameful nickname and I remain nicknameless to this day. Just once I want to be known as dingleberry or skidmark or shit-tooth. Just one time I want to answer to the call of "beandog, your burger is ready." Why can't I be introduced as cockring or hamster? Why do I have to be just plain Streeter Seidell? Sure, I get called Street and Streets a lot, but that doesn't count since it comes from the root of my name.
-I know a lot of kids want to escape their nicknames. I have a friend named Ryan who has been known to everyone as Boner since the beginning of freshman year. He hates it and tries to get people to stop calling him that. Why? What is so great about Ryan? Not that much. Here my friend complains about his nickname when I would kill to have one. Shit, I'll even take his.
-But you can't do that, you can't steal a friend's nickname. You have to earn your own. And I know I have earned at least one in my three years here. The strange thing is, even with my lack of nickname experience, I can delegate nicknames out to my friends with ease. What's your name? Tim? You shall be called teabag. Who are you? Matt Lynch? You will be lynch mob. You have red hair? I shall call you Loser. I just can't seem to find one for myself.
-Maybe I should be happy that I have been through almost all of college without aquiring some embarrassing moniker. I'll never have to explain to my wife why my college buddies call me "Le Douche." I'll never have to answer to "Chlamydia" or "Herps." And I'll never have my parents say that they can't figure out who this DonkeyDong person is that everyone keeps calling for.
-But there is still a part of me that wants that shame, that embarrassment. I feel like I have missed out on one of the most quintessential aspects of college life. So, if you have a good nickname for me, email it to me. I'll choose the one that suits me the best and demand that all my friends call me that. When they protest, I'll simply point to your email for proof that someone else gave it to me. Then they'll be saying, "Oh, I guess your right, Tickles."
(Do you have a funny nickname? Email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and tell me how you got it.)
Mary-Kate, why haven't you written me yet?
-"I wonder what they'll call me?" I pondered over cigarettes in my car the night before I left for freshman year. "I bet they'll call me Dr. Drunk because I party so hard," I surmised. However, by the time my first semester of college had gone by, I was still nicknameless. "What can I do about this?" I wondered.
-Being dumb, I decided I would try to give myself a nickname. "Hey guys," I called out to my rabble of friends one evening over hot slop at the caf, "you guys should call me condom from now on," I suggested. Why condom? I didn't really have a reason to be called that, I just thought it sounded funny. "Hey condom, toss me a beer." "Condommmmm, how you been, dude?" "Have you met my friend condom?" The hilarity of these situations grew and grew as I replayed them in my mind.
-My friends, however, were not amused. "That's gay," a few of my friends suggested. They pointed out that one can never give themselves a nickname; it has to come by divine inspiration. Usually, the rule is anyone who has given themselves a nickname will be given an embarrassing one by their friends. I was exempt from this because, as they pointed out, "Your name is weird enough, we're not giving you a nickname too."
-I didn't even get a shameful nickname and I remain nicknameless to this day. Just once I want to be known as dingleberry or skidmark or shit-tooth. Just one time I want to answer to the call of "beandog, your burger is ready." Why can't I be introduced as cockring or hamster? Why do I have to be just plain Streeter Seidell? Sure, I get called Street and Streets a lot, but that doesn't count since it comes from the root of my name.
-I know a lot of kids want to escape their nicknames. I have a friend named Ryan who has been known to everyone as Boner since the beginning of freshman year. He hates it and tries to get people to stop calling him that. Why? What is so great about Ryan? Not that much. Here my friend complains about his nickname when I would kill to have one. Shit, I'll even take his.
-But you can't do that, you can't steal a friend's nickname. You have to earn your own. And I know I have earned at least one in my three years here. The strange thing is, even with my lack of nickname experience, I can delegate nicknames out to my friends with ease. What's your name? Tim? You shall be called teabag. Who are you? Matt Lynch? You will be lynch mob. You have red hair? I shall call you Loser. I just can't seem to find one for myself.
-Maybe I should be happy that I have been through almost all of college without aquiring some embarrassing moniker. I'll never have to explain to my wife why my college buddies call me "Le Douche." I'll never have to answer to "Chlamydia" or "Herps." And I'll never have my parents say that they can't figure out who this DonkeyDong person is that everyone keeps calling for.
-But there is still a part of me that wants that shame, that embarrassment. I feel like I have missed out on one of the most quintessential aspects of college life. So, if you have a good nickname for me, email it to me. I'll choose the one that suits me the best and demand that all my friends call me that. When they protest, I'll simply point to your email for proof that someone else gave it to me. Then they'll be saying, "Oh, I guess your right, Tickles."
(Do you have a funny nickname? Email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and tell me how you got it.)
Mary-Kate, why haven't you written me yet?
To Mary-Kate Olsen
by Streeter Seidell April 15, 2004
Dear Mary-Kate,
-Seriously MK, why haven't you written? Don't you know bout me yet? I have a minor internet celebrity status"is that not good enough for you? I work my ass off dreaming up funny things to write for you, but do you show any appreciating back? NO!
-Why won't you acknowledge me? Is it because you have more money than I do? I'd like to think that you're not concerned with such matters, but maybe you are. You know, I make a respectable wage for a 21 year-old. Sure, I didn't own my own production company at 8, but I used to work as a landscaper? If that doesn't say work ethic, I don't know what does.
-So, why haven't you written? I mean, you're going to be in New York City next year and so am I! I could show you around, explain the intricate subway and bus system, and maybe be your new best friend. Who would make a better best friend than me? I'm compassionate, I listen, I'm funny, and, best of all, I'm completely sexually unappealing so you don't have to worry about falling in love with me!
-Yet, the burning question remains; why haven't you written me? I mean, my email address is at the bottom of this page somewhere"it wouldn't be that hard to type out a quick hello, would it?
-I bet it's that damn sister of yours; always telling you what to do. I bet she says I'm just some chump who wants to milk your fame for all it's worth. I bet she reads my column and goes, "what a tool, I would never let my sister write an email to him." I'm serious when I say this, you should go solo. Ashley, who does have her charms, is amateur at best. I just feel that you could be doing some edgier stuff. Maybe even a nude scene or two (once you reach the proper age of course).
-I'm sorry if I got angry there. It's just that when I settle in to watch a nice Mary-Kate movie, Ashley is always messing up all your scenes. I didn't go to Blockbuster and pay $5 to watch her drag down your performance. I didn't run the risk of looking like a pedophile for Ashley"I did it for you, MK.
-And what can you do for me? You can get off your golden sofa and write me an email! Better yet, why don't you come say hi? I live in the Bronx (that's the borough of New York City with all the drugs and crime), so it's not that far away. You could take one of your helicopters up here and pick me up! So, listen MK, don't let Ashley pull you down or keep our friendship from blossoming. If you're reading this, just write me an email. Thanks, Streeter Seidell
-(ATTN: if you are Ashley Olsen, please replace the word "Mary-Kate" with "Ashley" and the word "Ashley" with "Mary-Kate")
-Seriously MK, why haven't you written? Don't you know bout me yet? I have a minor internet celebrity status"is that not good enough for you? I work my ass off dreaming up funny things to write for you, but do you show any appreciating back? NO!
-Why won't you acknowledge me? Is it because you have more money than I do? I'd like to think that you're not concerned with such matters, but maybe you are. You know, I make a respectable wage for a 21 year-old. Sure, I didn't own my own production company at 8, but I used to work as a landscaper? If that doesn't say work ethic, I don't know what does.
-So, why haven't you written? I mean, you're going to be in New York City next year and so am I! I could show you around, explain the intricate subway and bus system, and maybe be your new best friend. Who would make a better best friend than me? I'm compassionate, I listen, I'm funny, and, best of all, I'm completely sexually unappealing so you don't have to worry about falling in love with me!
-Yet, the burning question remains; why haven't you written me? I mean, my email address is at the bottom of this page somewhere"it wouldn't be that hard to type out a quick hello, would it?
-I bet it's that damn sister of yours; always telling you what to do. I bet she says I'm just some chump who wants to milk your fame for all it's worth. I bet she reads my column and goes, "what a tool, I would never let my sister write an email to him." I'm serious when I say this, you should go solo. Ashley, who does have her charms, is amateur at best. I just feel that you could be doing some edgier stuff. Maybe even a nude scene or two (once you reach the proper age of course).
-I'm sorry if I got angry there. It's just that when I settle in to watch a nice Mary-Kate movie, Ashley is always messing up all your scenes. I didn't go to Blockbuster and pay $5 to watch her drag down your performance. I didn't run the risk of looking like a pedophile for Ashley"I did it for you, MK.
-And what can you do for me? You can get off your golden sofa and write me an email! Better yet, why don't you come say hi? I live in the Bronx (that's the borough of New York City with all the drugs and crime), so it's not that far away. You could take one of your helicopters up here and pick me up! So, listen MK, don't let Ashley pull you down or keep our friendship from blossoming. If you're reading this, just write me an email. Thanks, Streeter Seidell
-(ATTN: if you are Ashley Olsen, please replace the word "Mary-Kate" with "Ashley" and the word "Ashley" with "Mary-Kate")
The Guide to a Great IM Profile
by Streeter Seidell April 14, 2004
-Hello again! Listen, I have a bunch of funny friends that also write things on computers just like me. Every now and then, one of them writes something that I think is really, really funny. My good friend Matt Lynch has done just that, so I figured I would put it up so everyone can enjoy it. Without further ado, Here is Matt Lynch's guide to the perfect profile.
-There are a lot of things to consider when writing an AIM profile. There's the careful attention to punctuation, and getting that quote from Ferris Bueller's Day Off just right.
There's the character limit boxing you in and color schemes to be laid out. Maybe dark grey on black. Hot pink is pretty hot right now.
-Where does the heart go?
-Over there.
-Should you even bother with the heart? Are you at that stage in your relationship yet? Don't be so sure a public declaration of love is the right move for right now. Maybe her initials preceded by some Dave Matthews lyrics would suffice. It's direct but not explicit. Maybe you should use Incubus instead. Or Coldplay. Yeah, definitely Coldplay.
-What about a smiley face?
-That's a little too girly. Too easy too; you're an able bodied twenty-one-year-old college student; you should be capable of expressing emotions in words. You shouldn't even be allowed to use those things. It literally took you four years to figure out that it's a footprint covering the retarded-looking-one's mouth.
-What about the animated emoticon?
-Does your computer support that sort of thing, it might not load right.
-What about the animated heart emoticon with the smiley face in it?
-Well that's just overkill. A tiny Irish flag might compliment all that text. Oh wait, that doesn't really go with the whole black on pink thing.
-Should I put my address at school at the bottom?
-That would be classy. Maybe someone will send you a real life letter someday!
-Cell phone number as well?
-It seems sort of risky and just a bit desperate. It's taken you three years of owning a cell phone to get used to the minimum traffic, if you put it up and still no one called, you'd probably be crushed.
-Who gets shout outs and who suffers in anonymity?
-Forget the Yankees and the Sox, Michigan and Ohio Sate; the online you is officially a Sacramento Kings fan; consistent winners, out-of-the-way locale. No one's going to send you annoying IM's because you're down with Sac-town. Besides you look surprisingly good in purple and who doesn't like Bobby Jackson off the bench?
-There's still something missing" the obscure music reference! Prove to the rest of the world just how god-damn cool you are using only your wits and an online lyrics database.
-You are allowed only one link to one photo gallery containing no more than thirty pictures. People don't like to be reminded how much fun it is for everyone else when they are not there.
-Finally, remember your audience! This is 2004. Mom has a wireless connection at home now, so nothing too perverted or morose. Nothing too weird or inside-jokey either. There are people on your Buddy List you haven't spoken with since high school. This has to be universal. When you sit down to write a new profile just remember the possibility that hundreds, no, thousands of people will be looking at it everyday and forming opinions of you based on a few scattered lines of text. Mainly though, I like to think about the honest, hard-working people that decide who gets the Pulitzer.
By Matt Lynch
-There are a lot of things to consider when writing an AIM profile. There's the careful attention to punctuation, and getting that quote from Ferris Bueller's Day Off just right.
There's the character limit boxing you in and color schemes to be laid out. Maybe dark grey on black. Hot pink is pretty hot right now.
-Where does the heart go?
-Over there.
-Should you even bother with the heart? Are you at that stage in your relationship yet? Don't be so sure a public declaration of love is the right move for right now. Maybe her initials preceded by some Dave Matthews lyrics would suffice. It's direct but not explicit. Maybe you should use Incubus instead. Or Coldplay. Yeah, definitely Coldplay.
-What about a smiley face?
-That's a little too girly. Too easy too; you're an able bodied twenty-one-year-old college student; you should be capable of expressing emotions in words. You shouldn't even be allowed to use those things. It literally took you four years to figure out that it's a footprint covering the retarded-looking-one's mouth.
-What about the animated emoticon?
-Does your computer support that sort of thing, it might not load right.
-What about the animated heart emoticon with the smiley face in it?
-Well that's just overkill. A tiny Irish flag might compliment all that text. Oh wait, that doesn't really go with the whole black on pink thing.
-Should I put my address at school at the bottom?
-That would be classy. Maybe someone will send you a real life letter someday!
-Cell phone number as well?
-It seems sort of risky and just a bit desperate. It's taken you three years of owning a cell phone to get used to the minimum traffic, if you put it up and still no one called, you'd probably be crushed.
-Who gets shout outs and who suffers in anonymity?
-Forget the Yankees and the Sox, Michigan and Ohio Sate; the online you is officially a Sacramento Kings fan; consistent winners, out-of-the-way locale. No one's going to send you annoying IM's because you're down with Sac-town. Besides you look surprisingly good in purple and who doesn't like Bobby Jackson off the bench?
-There's still something missing" the obscure music reference! Prove to the rest of the world just how god-damn cool you are using only your wits and an online lyrics database.
-You are allowed only one link to one photo gallery containing no more than thirty pictures. People don't like to be reminded how much fun it is for everyone else when they are not there.
-Finally, remember your audience! This is 2004. Mom has a wireless connection at home now, so nothing too perverted or morose. Nothing too weird or inside-jokey either. There are people on your Buddy List you haven't spoken with since high school. This has to be universal. When you sit down to write a new profile just remember the possibility that hundreds, no, thousands of people will be looking at it everyday and forming opinions of you based on a few scattered lines of text. Mainly though, I like to think about the honest, hard-working people that decide who gets the Pulitzer.
By Matt Lynch
Jesus is Greedy
by Streeter Seidell April 14, 2004
-Being a Catholic, I have been ingrained with the Jesus mantra for a long time. I always knew that he died on a cross to save me, he could turn water into wine and that he could fly. It all sounded so good to me until, that is, the other day.
-You see, the other day it was Easter, one of my favorite days. My whole life I would be woken up by my little sister and hurried downstairs to find Easter eggs and eat chocolate. But, the older I grow, the more I find this holiday is all about Jesus"and I don't like it. And when you start to think about it, Jesus is one greedy dude.
-Let's begin at the beginning"of the universe and everything we know, that is. Jesus up and claims to be not only God's son, but God himself. Plus, he says he's also his own brother; only people from the deep south could work out all of Jesus' relations to himself.
-Now, being that he is also God, Jesus inadvertently claims he made the universe, all the animals, elements, and heavenly bodies. AND, he says he did it all in six days! When scientists say that it took billions and billions of years to make the universe as it is today, JC just kicks back, cracks a beer and says, "losers, I did that shit in six days and you know what? On the seventh day, I kicked it with my boo in my crib."
-So, JC wants the cred for the universe"fine. Because, to be honest, I don't know who else could have made it. I mean, Mohammed was still a few thousand years off and Buddha"don't even get me started on Buddha...would it kill him to call when he's going to be coming home late?
-Anyways, I'll give the ol' messiah props for the world, but now he wants Sunday's too? I mean, yeah, so he died on a cross to save us, but c'mon, lots of people have died trying to save us"have you ever seen "Simon Birch?" No? Well, just because you got yourself strung up that doesn't mean I have to give you EVERY Sunday. Sure, a Hail Mary here, a bite of Jesus in wafer form there, and an occasional drinking of the Christ's blood"but every Sunday? C'mon Jesus, you know what I do on Sundays; yeah, it's a sin, but we all need a release every now and then.
-As if the Sunday thing wasn't enough for Mr. Ego, he tries to horn in on everyone else's holidays too. Easter used to be about celebrating the Easter Bunny's birthday; that great bringer of diabetic comas. In honor of his birthday, the Bunny would secretly roam your house and yard and, by some great mystery, lay the colored eggs of a chicken. But then Jesus makes up this crazy story about how, "Hey, you know what"I came back to life on that day"so you should honor me then too!" At first people were skeptical, "But this is the Easter Bunny's day?" they would say. But after a while, the Bunny got phased out and now people think that he's just some marketing concoction. It's very sad.
-And let's not forget that the same thing happened on Christmas too. Who is more deserving of our love than Santa? Jesus? No way, JC says that we shouldn't do all this stuff that is really fun and feels really good. Santa, on the other hand, just comes around and rewards us with earthly indulgences. But, here comes JC again with his crazy stories; "I was born on December 25th"there was a star and stuff and a manger and three wise men"it was intense"did you guys know that? You should probably go to Church on that day and think about me." Great, here we go again. Santa spends all year"all year in the North Pole making toys. THE NORTH POLE! It's goddamned freezing up there. And what is the purpose of his year-long exile? To bring you toys. Santa has one day to shine"one day to be honored, and who tries to steal his fire? You guessed it, Jesus.
-I'm not mad at Jesus. I still think he's a cool guy. I mean, you wouldn't see me up on that cross ("You want me to do what, God? Die for these people? You gotta be fucking kidding me, right?") I just want him not to be so greedy. So, Jesus, we love ya, but you're just coming on a little strong. Let someone else have the spotlight for Christ's sake (that doesn't work). Let people have their own holidays. Who's next, Martin Luther King Jr.? Lincoln? Mr. Valentine?
-You see, the other day it was Easter, one of my favorite days. My whole life I would be woken up by my little sister and hurried downstairs to find Easter eggs and eat chocolate. But, the older I grow, the more I find this holiday is all about Jesus"and I don't like it. And when you start to think about it, Jesus is one greedy dude.
-Let's begin at the beginning"of the universe and everything we know, that is. Jesus up and claims to be not only God's son, but God himself. Plus, he says he's also his own brother; only people from the deep south could work out all of Jesus' relations to himself.
-Now, being that he is also God, Jesus inadvertently claims he made the universe, all the animals, elements, and heavenly bodies. AND, he says he did it all in six days! When scientists say that it took billions and billions of years to make the universe as it is today, JC just kicks back, cracks a beer and says, "losers, I did that shit in six days and you know what? On the seventh day, I kicked it with my boo in my crib."
-So, JC wants the cred for the universe"fine. Because, to be honest, I don't know who else could have made it. I mean, Mohammed was still a few thousand years off and Buddha"don't even get me started on Buddha...would it kill him to call when he's going to be coming home late?
-Anyways, I'll give the ol' messiah props for the world, but now he wants Sunday's too? I mean, yeah, so he died on a cross to save us, but c'mon, lots of people have died trying to save us"have you ever seen "Simon Birch?" No? Well, just because you got yourself strung up that doesn't mean I have to give you EVERY Sunday. Sure, a Hail Mary here, a bite of Jesus in wafer form there, and an occasional drinking of the Christ's blood"but every Sunday? C'mon Jesus, you know what I do on Sundays; yeah, it's a sin, but we all need a release every now and then.
-As if the Sunday thing wasn't enough for Mr. Ego, he tries to horn in on everyone else's holidays too. Easter used to be about celebrating the Easter Bunny's birthday; that great bringer of diabetic comas. In honor of his birthday, the Bunny would secretly roam your house and yard and, by some great mystery, lay the colored eggs of a chicken. But then Jesus makes up this crazy story about how, "Hey, you know what"I came back to life on that day"so you should honor me then too!" At first people were skeptical, "But this is the Easter Bunny's day?" they would say. But after a while, the Bunny got phased out and now people think that he's just some marketing concoction. It's very sad.
-And let's not forget that the same thing happened on Christmas too. Who is more deserving of our love than Santa? Jesus? No way, JC says that we shouldn't do all this stuff that is really fun and feels really good. Santa, on the other hand, just comes around and rewards us with earthly indulgences. But, here comes JC again with his crazy stories; "I was born on December 25th"there was a star and stuff and a manger and three wise men"it was intense"did you guys know that? You should probably go to Church on that day and think about me." Great, here we go again. Santa spends all year"all year in the North Pole making toys. THE NORTH POLE! It's goddamned freezing up there. And what is the purpose of his year-long exile? To bring you toys. Santa has one day to shine"one day to be honored, and who tries to steal his fire? You guessed it, Jesus.
-I'm not mad at Jesus. I still think he's a cool guy. I mean, you wouldn't see me up on that cross ("You want me to do what, God? Die for these people? You gotta be fucking kidding me, right?") I just want him not to be so greedy. So, Jesus, we love ya, but you're just coming on a little strong. Let someone else have the spotlight for Christ's sake (that doesn't work). Let people have their own holidays. Who's next, Martin Luther King Jr.? Lincoln? Mr. Valentine?
People You Hate III
by Streeter Seidell April 12, 2004
-Do you smell that? No, seriously, it fucking stinks in here! What is that? Oh, what are you cooking in there? Hate? I'll have some, please. That's right folks, it's time for another edition of the famous Hate List. This edition sees entries from all over America, proving once again, that we all hate, from coast to coast, from Mexico to Maine, from Waffle House to Ihop, the same way. Let's let that hate flow now.
-MINE:
-I'm So Stressed: There are some people, God save them, that think they are going through a different experience than everyone else at their school. They act like when they have midterms and finals, no one else does. "Oh my God, I have so much work to do, you don't even know." Really? Because last time I checked, I go to the same school as you and have just as much work as you. Stop playing the crying game, you dumb shit, everyone is going through the same shit as you are, so stop your bitching, get another cookie, and cry to yourself, you pitiful piece of shit"I Hate You!
-(Can't think of an endearing name): If there is one thing in the world that angers me more than genocide, it's people who don't hurry up when you hold the door for them. I have taken valuable seconds out of my time to hold the door for you so you may obtain easier entry into this building. But do you hurry up when I am standing there with my thumb up my ass holding the door open for you? No"no, you don't. I'm not asking for a full out sprint or even a jog. All I want is a quick little two-step to show me that my efforts are appreciated and that you are aware that holding a door is not my favorite thing to do in the world. "Hmmm, I wonder what I should do today? I know, I'll stand here in front of this building and hold this door open. I hope nobody hurries up to get in because that would ruin this awesome time!" Get some goddamned class, you piece of shit"I Hate You!
-Mr. iPod: Was 5000 songs not good enough for you? Hmmm? No, it wasn't, was it? So you went out and bought the new iPod that holds more songs. Do you even have 5000 songs on your playlist? I bet you don't. You probably bought it because this one comes in colors. And do you wear your new iPod hidden away from the world? No, you don't"You display your gadget where everyone can see it and go "oooohhh, ahhhhh." God, you're awesome! How genius of you to buy this product that is almost exactly the same as the old model"but in BLUE!!!! I'm going to do the same thing with my microwave! From all of us out here with plain old CD players, go to hell you trendy shitheads"I Hate You!
YOURS:
-Reader Mike D. (not the Beastie Boy) really hates: The guy who feels it is his duty to inform everyone that someone used the toilet and didn't wash their hands. Now in the dorm I live at washing your hands is just a matter of personal safety. But this assclown feels it necessary to announce to the whole hall by knocking on all the doors and getting people out there to say so and so didn't wash their hands. I have also seen this douche watch someone go into the bathroom, watch them come out, go into the bathroom, and check if the sink was wet, the towel dispenser was wet, or if soap had been used. You are a douche"I hate you!
-Reader Chris B. really hates: The Early Packer: This is the kid that I guess has some place to go right after class and can't spare a second. So, to save about 4 fucking seconds they start to put all there books n shit in there bags about 10 minutes before class is actually over. So, me and the other douches in the class that are actually trying to hear when this 15 page paper is due and what format it needs to be in can't hear the professor over the sounds of crumpling paper and the long pop of the zipper. and oh yea, hey asshole it doesn't make the zipper sound any less loud when you try to pull the zipper real slow one hook at a time"I hate you!
-Reader Frank really hates: People who ruin the obscurity of obscure movies by ordering every shirt available off of 80s tee shirt retailers and wearing them around even though they're clearly too young to remember Thundercats. Thanks a lot, jerks, now he has to pretend he's not one of you. Let me revel in my obscure pop-culture knowledge and stop stealing my thunder(cats)".I Hate You!
-Reader JB really hates: People who make stereotypes. Some stereotypes are ok. All fat people breathe heavy and all goth people want to kill themselves, that's just the truth. But the one thing I hate the most is people who hate Texans just because they are from Texas. Ok, first of all, I am from Texas. I don't wear a cowboy hat, I don't ride horses (they smell like crap), and I don't talk slow with a southern accent. I live in a city and I don't call my parents ma and pa. I didn't grow up on a farm, I am in the process of getting an education and I'm not a racist piece of shit. There are people in your state that are stupid, annoying and fucked up too, they're all over the fucking place, not just in Texas, you dumb sin of a bitch"I Hate You!
-Reader Heather R/ really hates: The person who always has a better way of doing things, even though they have no idea what the hell they're talking about. Say if you have a flat tire, and you have the tire iron all ready to go, this ass walks by and says something like " I would have driven around the potholes." That's nice you fuck. I wonder why I didn't think of that? Of course, I should have remembered that the invisible pothole I just ran over would have popped my tire! You're so smart! Why don't you help me, you pompous fuck? Maybe next time I find you bloody and beaten outside of a bar I'll say "I wouldn't have thrown a drink in the bouncer's face." I Hate You!
-Finally, Reader Katie J. really hates: people over the age of 12 that are wearing those fucking L.L. Bean backpacks with their initials embroidered on them. I mean is it really necessary for you to look at your backpack to see what your initials are? Or is it so no one steals your backpack? -because I'm pretty sure you don't just leave it in the classroom, or throw it in a giant pile when u walk in, so what is the fucking point?! Grow up! I HATE YOU
-That's all the hate for today, if you have something you hate and want to let the world know, email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and we'll see what happens. Keep that hate coming. This has been another edition of The Hate List.
-MINE:
-I'm So Stressed: There are some people, God save them, that think they are going through a different experience than everyone else at their school. They act like when they have midterms and finals, no one else does. "Oh my God, I have so much work to do, you don't even know." Really? Because last time I checked, I go to the same school as you and have just as much work as you. Stop playing the crying game, you dumb shit, everyone is going through the same shit as you are, so stop your bitching, get another cookie, and cry to yourself, you pitiful piece of shit"I Hate You!
-(Can't think of an endearing name): If there is one thing in the world that angers me more than genocide, it's people who don't hurry up when you hold the door for them. I have taken valuable seconds out of my time to hold the door for you so you may obtain easier entry into this building. But do you hurry up when I am standing there with my thumb up my ass holding the door open for you? No"no, you don't. I'm not asking for a full out sprint or even a jog. All I want is a quick little two-step to show me that my efforts are appreciated and that you are aware that holding a door is not my favorite thing to do in the world. "Hmmm, I wonder what I should do today? I know, I'll stand here in front of this building and hold this door open. I hope nobody hurries up to get in because that would ruin this awesome time!" Get some goddamned class, you piece of shit"I Hate You!
-Mr. iPod: Was 5000 songs not good enough for you? Hmmm? No, it wasn't, was it? So you went out and bought the new iPod that holds more songs. Do you even have 5000 songs on your playlist? I bet you don't. You probably bought it because this one comes in colors. And do you wear your new iPod hidden away from the world? No, you don't"You display your gadget where everyone can see it and go "oooohhh, ahhhhh." God, you're awesome! How genius of you to buy this product that is almost exactly the same as the old model"but in BLUE!!!! I'm going to do the same thing with my microwave! From all of us out here with plain old CD players, go to hell you trendy shitheads"I Hate You!
YOURS:
-Reader Mike D. (not the Beastie Boy) really hates: The guy who feels it is his duty to inform everyone that someone used the toilet and didn't wash their hands. Now in the dorm I live at washing your hands is just a matter of personal safety. But this assclown feels it necessary to announce to the whole hall by knocking on all the doors and getting people out there to say so and so didn't wash their hands. I have also seen this douche watch someone go into the bathroom, watch them come out, go into the bathroom, and check if the sink was wet, the towel dispenser was wet, or if soap had been used. You are a douche"I hate you!
-Reader Chris B. really hates: The Early Packer: This is the kid that I guess has some place to go right after class and can't spare a second. So, to save about 4 fucking seconds they start to put all there books n shit in there bags about 10 minutes before class is actually over. So, me and the other douches in the class that are actually trying to hear when this 15 page paper is due and what format it needs to be in can't hear the professor over the sounds of crumpling paper and the long pop of the zipper. and oh yea, hey asshole it doesn't make the zipper sound any less loud when you try to pull the zipper real slow one hook at a time"I hate you!
-Reader Frank really hates: People who ruin the obscurity of obscure movies by ordering every shirt available off of 80s tee shirt retailers and wearing them around even though they're clearly too young to remember Thundercats. Thanks a lot, jerks, now he has to pretend he's not one of you. Let me revel in my obscure pop-culture knowledge and stop stealing my thunder(cats)".I Hate You!
-Reader JB really hates: People who make stereotypes. Some stereotypes are ok. All fat people breathe heavy and all goth people want to kill themselves, that's just the truth. But the one thing I hate the most is people who hate Texans just because they are from Texas. Ok, first of all, I am from Texas. I don't wear a cowboy hat, I don't ride horses (they smell like crap), and I don't talk slow with a southern accent. I live in a city and I don't call my parents ma and pa. I didn't grow up on a farm, I am in the process of getting an education and I'm not a racist piece of shit. There are people in your state that are stupid, annoying and fucked up too, they're all over the fucking place, not just in Texas, you dumb sin of a bitch"I Hate You!
-Reader Heather R/ really hates: The person who always has a better way of doing things, even though they have no idea what the hell they're talking about. Say if you have a flat tire, and you have the tire iron all ready to go, this ass walks by and says something like " I would have driven around the potholes." That's nice you fuck. I wonder why I didn't think of that? Of course, I should have remembered that the invisible pothole I just ran over would have popped my tire! You're so smart! Why don't you help me, you pompous fuck? Maybe next time I find you bloody and beaten outside of a bar I'll say "I wouldn't have thrown a drink in the bouncer's face." I Hate You!
-Finally, Reader Katie J. really hates: people over the age of 12 that are wearing those fucking L.L. Bean backpacks with their initials embroidered on them. I mean is it really necessary for you to look at your backpack to see what your initials are? Or is it so no one steals your backpack? -because I'm pretty sure you don't just leave it in the classroom, or throw it in a giant pile when u walk in, so what is the fucking point?! Grow up! I HATE YOU
-That's all the hate for today, if you have something you hate and want to let the world know, email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and we'll see what happens. Keep that hate coming. This has been another edition of The Hate List.
The Ten Commandments of College
by Streeter Seidell September 01, 2007I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half your day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild...in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping...in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school's logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
The Ten Commandments of College
by Streeter Seidell April 05, 2004
-Student was searching for divine inspiration. Student walked high on the mountain of knowledge and came across God. Student asked God how to live life as a college kid should. And God said unto him, follow these Ten Commandments and you shall be all a college kid is. And Student thanked God and it was good. And Student spread the Ten Commandments of College to all.
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half you day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild"in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping"in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school's logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.
VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac. It is easy to make and you don't need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.
This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!
I- Thou Shalt Nap
And God gave unto Student a great gift, the gift of napping. God said to him, You shall spend half you day napping. You shall nap in class, in your room and in your friend's room. And God said, if you don't nap, you will not be able to stay up all night drinking. And Student said, Nap I shall, and it was good.
II- Thou Shalt Get Sick All the Time
Now God said to Student, you must be sick all of the time. And student said why. And God said unto him, you shall share drinks, stay up too late, drink too much and make out with people you don't know. Therefore, God said, you shall be sick all year round. But God said, blessed are the sick for they have partied the hardest. And it was good.
III- Thou Shalt Write Witty Away Messages
Student asked, but God, how will I show everyone that I am funny? And God said unto him, thou shall write witty away messages. God said to student, you shall never just say you are in the shower, you shall say you are getting wet and wild"in the shower. You shall never say you are at class, you shall say you are sleeping"in class. God said, if you do not write witty away messages, I shall smite you. Blessed are the funny, for they will get many girls to be their friends but never hook up with them. And it was good.
IV- Thou Shalt Wear a Hoodie
And then Student asked God, God how do I look like a college kid. And God said unto student, you must wear a hoodie, for it is a useful garment. And you shall never wash it either. Student asked God what kind of Hoodie should it be and God said, you shall own one with your school's logo on it and you shall own many others of varying colors and creeds. And Student was pleased and God was pleased.
V- Thou Shalt Shit a Lot
And Student asked of his bathroom habit and God told him, Student, you shall eat in the Cafeteria and you shall shit a lot. And it will not be good shit, it will be the shit of the devil for your ass shall burn for hours. Your school shall put laxatives in their food and you shall feel their pain. And Student began to weep, and God said unto him, Student, fear not the shit, for all your fellow students will be experiencing the same. And Student dried his eyes and thanked God and God told him to use wet naps to ease the pain.
VI- Thou Shalt Eat EasyMac
Student asked unto God if there was any alternatives to the cafeteria, and God said to him, you shall eat a lot of EasyMac. It is easy to make and you don't need milk or a stove. And student said microwaves were forbidden by the RA. And God said to him, you shall hide the microwave under your bed with a towel on top. And Student asked, what if it is discovered. And God told him to stop being such a pussy, and it was good.
VII- Thou Shalt Hook Up
Student then asked of sex. And God said, Student, you shall hook up and be happy. You shall go home with random people every weekend and forget about them the next day. You shall see them at class and be awkward amongst their company. You shall exchange saliva at bars and parties and it will be good. And Student became gleeful and God told Student to wrap it up because He knows where she has been, but Student does not.
VIII- Thou Shalt Join a Club and Never Go to Meetings
Student inquired of his spare time and God reminded him that he should be napping. But Student said he wanted to do other things. So God said unto him, you shall join a club at the beginning of the semester, but then never go to meetings. And Student asked why he should not go to meetings, and God told him, because the glee club is gay. And Student understood His wisdom.
IX- Thou Shalt Wake Up Confused
God said to Student, there will come many a day when you shall wake up in the bed of another and not know where you are. You will not remember what you did last night and you shall be confused. You will see that you have nipple rings and a tattoo now and are covered in Sharpie. And Student was disturbed by this, but God said, you shall tell great stories about it to your friends someday. And Student understood and God took a sip of a beer.
And God gave Student the final Commandment
X- Thou Shalt Gain Weight
And Student wished to hear the final commandment and God said he would not like it. But Student insisted, so God said unto him, you shall gain weight. However, God said, you will not buy new clothes, so you will wear sweat pants a lot. God said, Student, you will watch a lot of TV and become fat to which Student wept profusely. But God comforted Student saying, you will still get ass even if you cannot tie your shoes anymore. Student felt better and God pointed to Student's chest saying, those will soon be bitch tits. And it was good.
This is the word of God, follow the Ten Commandments of College or you will be smote!
Really Great Ideas
by Streeter Seidell April 04, 2004-Every now and then, I get a brilliant idea. It doesn't happen everyday, but it happens enough that I should have been a millionaire ten times by now if I could just get off my ass. Just to show you how brilliant I am, I have compiled a list of some of my best ideas (and one I stole from a reader). So, here they are, My List of Really Great Ideas.
-1. Cafetory- Let's just get to the facts here. The food at your school gives you the shits. There is no way around it. I had many days my freshman year when I could be spotted running from the caf with my cheeks clenched and sweating. Now, what if there was a way to ease the pain and embarrassment of having to leave all your friends in the caf to "make." There is"I call it the cafetory. Instead of having to leave the caf to go to the bathroom, why not bring the bathroom to the caf? Toilets for chairs"it's brilliant. Hey, the food is shit anyways; I'm just erasing the distinction.
-2. Hot cousin swap- We all have at least one hot cousin, but we cannot do anything with them because that is illegal (in most states). So, why not have a hot cousin trade off. Each of your friends brings one of their hot cousins to a party and you play a game that can only be called redneck musical chairs. When the banjo stops, you get whichever of your friend's cousin happens to be standing in front of you. It's genius! It's brilliant! It wasn't my idea"thanks to Jon Fisher"the biggest pervert in all of America!
-3. The class/cash option- We all remember the beginning of freshman year, when, during orientation, some ass sat you down and told you that every time you skip a class, you cost your parents something like $400. I was astounded by this figure and, needless to say, felt very bad. But then I dreamed up the class or cash option. Instead of wasting your parent's money by skipping class, what if your school paid you the $400 cash ever time you missed a class. This would put a lot less financial strain on your folks because you would never have to call home for money again"you could just sleep through your 8:30 Bio lab.
-4. FeBrushMyTeeth- Isn't FeBreeze wonderful? It has given a whole new definition to "clean." I never do my laundry"ever. I just spray a quick pump of FeBreeze on my dirty clothes and I smell like a prince. Now, what if that technology could be transferred to brushing your teeth? Brushing every morning and evening is such a hassle: it hurts your gums, wastes time, and, despite brushing right before I go to bed, my breath still smells like shit the next morning. With FeBrushMyTeeth, all you have to do is spray your mouth a few times twice a day and your teeth and breath will be clean and fresh!
-5. Friendship Blocking- "I want to slit your throat while I masturbate on the carcass of a newborn deer." If you have ever received a message like that on your IM, then chances are you were talking to me"and chances are that you blocked me. That IM block is one of the greatest inventions (besides streaming porn video) to come out of the digital age. Not only can you slap down someone's jump shot, but after you block them, they cannot even defend themselves. I believe that this same technology should be applied to friendship. If your friend is getting on your nerves, just block him. He won't be able to spend hours defending himself and, better yet, you don't have to talk to him till you unblock him"which may be never. You hear that Todd? You're blocked!
-6. University X-Mas presents- How much do you spend on college every year? $20,000? $30,000? $40,000? Whatever it is, it isn't worth it. I don't know about your school, but mine is stingy as hell. A Snapple in the caf will run you over $2 and an off campus apartment goes for over $800 a month! Now, you would figure with all this cash coming into your school, you would receive some nice perks, but you do not. That is why I propose that schools let each student choose one free item to take out of the bookstore for Christmas (or Chanukah, if that's your thing). Had your eye on that nice hoodie? Take it! Been dreaming about that sweet T-shirt? Merry Christmas! It's the least they could do, stingy assholes.
-7. Oopsy Daisies Class- Based on the premise of the second chance exit, the oopsy daisies class is a 15 minute review session held immediately after class. In this review session, everything that was covered in class will be briefly reiterated and a copy of the notes handed out. Therefore, if you happen to sleep through class, you can catch the oopsy class and get all your learning done in no time.
-8. The Waterproof Cell Phone- Are you kidding me? How have they not invented this yet? One in two of my friends have lost cell phones to the toilet so it just seems like the natural progression of technology. How great would it be to get in the shower and call someone? Just think of the possibilities. Imagine lounging in a pool in Cancun, a hottie on your left, a drink on your right, and calling up your friend in Minnesota to make fun of him! This needs to happen sometime soon.
If Boys Were Girls, If Girls Were Boys
by Streeter Seidell April 03, 2004
-When you skip a lot of class, you tend to lay in bed a lot. And when you lay in bed a lot, you think a lot. And when you think a lot, you think of some pretty crazy stuff. Now, on a recent vacation from my work, I lied down in my comfortable and spacious twin bed and began to ponder that greatest of mysteries- the difference between men and women. However, thanks to the current observational trend in standup comedy, this issue has been beaten to death, lit on fire, and urinated on. So, instead of extolling the hilarious differences between men and women, I thought I would get a little more deep on you"What if men were women and vice versa?
-As with any pseudo-fantasy, there has to be some ground rules. First, men and women would retain the same body size and shape. And that is the only rule. Everything else has been reversed: temperament, eating habits, and cleanliness, to name a few. To make this easier to swallow, I will put it in the form of a short story. That way, I can hand it in as a class assignment too!
-Tommy stood in front of the mirror on a fine Wednesday morning. In the half light of the drawn blinds, he turned sideways and sucked his stomach in. "God, I'm getting fat," he thought to himself while pinching a small roll of fat around his torso. He leaned in close to the mirror to make sure the bleach he had applied to his faint mustache had turned it transparent enough to be invisible.
-Just then, Janet, Tommy's long time girlfriend, rose from bed with a loud cough. Tommy turned to look at his girl. She never looked good in the morning. He secretly wished she would take more time to make herself look pretty, but he didn't want to make waves. Janet scratched her ass and rubbed her eyes, as her sleepiness drifted into alertness. "Holy shit, I gotta take a dump so fuckin' bad," she cooed. "I think I drank a case of High Life last night, Jesus." She said as she rubbed her blonde hair.
-Janet made for the bathroom. Tommy watched her figure slump slowly across the room. She was normal height, with a mane of blonde hair and pert breasts. As she neared Tommy, she paused. "Pull my finger," she insisted as she pointed at Tommy. Confused, Tommy tugged gently on her delicate hand. Janet farted loudly and laughed her way to the bathroom. "Ten points!" she screamed, slamming the door. Tommy stared at the door in disgust.
-On the toilet, Janet thumbed through the pages of a porno. I wish Tommy's dick was that big, she thought to herself. Grunting and breaking wind, Janet went through her morning ritual. Not able to take the noises from the bathroom anymore, Tommy put on his new Norah Jones CD at full volume. Slowly he swayed back and forth to the soothing music as he fumbled with his hair, trying to get it just perfect. "Turn that gay ass shit off!" demanded Janet from the toilet. But Tommy pretended not to hear and secretly wished Janet would sing to him like Norah Jones.
-Later that day, Janet strode downstairs in shorts and a dirty tank top. She announced that she was off to the park with her friends for a pickup game of basketball. Tommy reminded Janet that they were supposed to be shopping for slip covers that afternoon. Brushing this aside, Janet kissed Tommy on the forehead. "C'mon, Tommy. You know I hate that stuff. You just go with your friends and I'll meet you later for dinner. You'll make a better decision anyway." Inside, Tommy was crushed. They had bought this apartment together and he was the only one concerned with making it beautiful. But, on the outside, he just smiled and told Janet to have a good time with her friends.
-After Janet left, Tommy fixed himself a nice Mediterranean salad, complete with fat free feta and olives. After lunch, Tommy retired to the floor to do his AbMasters video. If Janet just wanted to eat red meat all day and not exercise, that was her choice. But Tommy was determined to look good for his girlfriend.
-Meanwhile, at the park, Janet, Stacey and Ashley were engaged in a vicious game of three on three with some other girls from around the block. Janet threw elbows and cursed the game through. "What is that shit? You gonna bring that in MY house, motherfucker?" she screamed at Tracey Halbred from down the street. Sweating and stinking, Janet and her friends rested on a bench after the game. They each took long sips from a brown bagged 40oz.
"What's up Janet? Why are you all fucking quiet today?" asked Stacey.
"I dunno girls, it's Tommy. He's fucking taking up all my time. Remember when I was single, we would always hang out? I miss that shit. It was just the girls back then."
"Yeah, but he's a cool guy. You're lucky to have him. Not a bad ass on him either," Chimed Ashley as she picked her cameltoe out.
"I guess, I dunno. Fuck it; let's go to a strip club."
"Sounds like a good idea." said the two girls. And so they left for the Hardhat.
-Tommy sat at the dinner table, a roast going cold and the candles burning down. He stared at the dinner which had taken him so long to make and began to cry. Why had Janet stood him up again? They had plans for dinner tonight, just the two of them. But Janet was nowhere to be found"probably off with her friends, getting drunk at the strip club, lighting farts on fire, the usual. "Women," he thought, "don't they have any feelings?" He was sick of Janet always playing him for a fool. Just once, he wanted to feel loved. So, Tommy sat and cried and, eventually, blew out the candles, cleaned up dinner, and went to bed alone.
-As with any pseudo-fantasy, there has to be some ground rules. First, men and women would retain the same body size and shape. And that is the only rule. Everything else has been reversed: temperament, eating habits, and cleanliness, to name a few. To make this easier to swallow, I will put it in the form of a short story. That way, I can hand it in as a class assignment too!
-Tommy stood in front of the mirror on a fine Wednesday morning. In the half light of the drawn blinds, he turned sideways and sucked his stomach in. "God, I'm getting fat," he thought to himself while pinching a small roll of fat around his torso. He leaned in close to the mirror to make sure the bleach he had applied to his faint mustache had turned it transparent enough to be invisible.
-Just then, Janet, Tommy's long time girlfriend, rose from bed with a loud cough. Tommy turned to look at his girl. She never looked good in the morning. He secretly wished she would take more time to make herself look pretty, but he didn't want to make waves. Janet scratched her ass and rubbed her eyes, as her sleepiness drifted into alertness. "Holy shit, I gotta take a dump so fuckin' bad," she cooed. "I think I drank a case of High Life last night, Jesus." She said as she rubbed her blonde hair.
-Janet made for the bathroom. Tommy watched her figure slump slowly across the room. She was normal height, with a mane of blonde hair and pert breasts. As she neared Tommy, she paused. "Pull my finger," she insisted as she pointed at Tommy. Confused, Tommy tugged gently on her delicate hand. Janet farted loudly and laughed her way to the bathroom. "Ten points!" she screamed, slamming the door. Tommy stared at the door in disgust.
-On the toilet, Janet thumbed through the pages of a porno. I wish Tommy's dick was that big, she thought to herself. Grunting and breaking wind, Janet went through her morning ritual. Not able to take the noises from the bathroom anymore, Tommy put on his new Norah Jones CD at full volume. Slowly he swayed back and forth to the soothing music as he fumbled with his hair, trying to get it just perfect. "Turn that gay ass shit off!" demanded Janet from the toilet. But Tommy pretended not to hear and secretly wished Janet would sing to him like Norah Jones.
-Later that day, Janet strode downstairs in shorts and a dirty tank top. She announced that she was off to the park with her friends for a pickup game of basketball. Tommy reminded Janet that they were supposed to be shopping for slip covers that afternoon. Brushing this aside, Janet kissed Tommy on the forehead. "C'mon, Tommy. You know I hate that stuff. You just go with your friends and I'll meet you later for dinner. You'll make a better decision anyway." Inside, Tommy was crushed. They had bought this apartment together and he was the only one concerned with making it beautiful. But, on the outside, he just smiled and told Janet to have a good time with her friends.
-After Janet left, Tommy fixed himself a nice Mediterranean salad, complete with fat free feta and olives. After lunch, Tommy retired to the floor to do his AbMasters video. If Janet just wanted to eat red meat all day and not exercise, that was her choice. But Tommy was determined to look good for his girlfriend.
-Meanwhile, at the park, Janet, Stacey and Ashley were engaged in a vicious game of three on three with some other girls from around the block. Janet threw elbows and cursed the game through. "What is that shit? You gonna bring that in MY house, motherfucker?" she screamed at Tracey Halbred from down the street. Sweating and stinking, Janet and her friends rested on a bench after the game. They each took long sips from a brown bagged 40oz.
"What's up Janet? Why are you all fucking quiet today?" asked Stacey.
"I dunno girls, it's Tommy. He's fucking taking up all my time. Remember when I was single, we would always hang out? I miss that shit. It was just the girls back then."
"Yeah, but he's a cool guy. You're lucky to have him. Not a bad ass on him either," Chimed Ashley as she picked her cameltoe out.
"I guess, I dunno. Fuck it; let's go to a strip club."
"Sounds like a good idea." said the two girls. And so they left for the Hardhat.
-Tommy sat at the dinner table, a roast going cold and the candles burning down. He stared at the dinner which had taken him so long to make and began to cry. Why had Janet stood him up again? They had plans for dinner tonight, just the two of them. But Janet was nowhere to be found"probably off with her friends, getting drunk at the strip club, lighting farts on fire, the usual. "Women," he thought, "don't they have any feelings?" He was sick of Janet always playing him for a fool. Just once, he wanted to feel loved. So, Tommy sat and cried and, eventually, blew out the candles, cleaned up dinner, and went to bed alone.
You Lose Some, You Lose Some and Then You Pleasure Yourself
by Streeter Seidell April 01, 2004
-Hello, ladies. I have something to ask of all of you, if you wouldn't mind that is. Will you stop being my friends? Let me sketch it out for you, I don't need anymore attractive female friends. Just look down the register; there's Vanessa, Deidre, Jeanne I, Jeanne II, Kara, Jamie, Gillian, Tina, plus a ton of others. I'm pretty well stocked for attractive female friends. And that is just the problem.
-You see, when you are funny, women flock to you. But not for sex".no, they want entertainment. And I don't have any problem providing them with it. Plus, every now and then, these friendships lead to such entertaining events as "I can change in front of you", "Will you grab my boobs and tell me if they're big", and, of course, my favorite, "vagina inspector." Ahhh, the times we've had. But my hot girl friend quota is all full now.
-It seems like every time I go out, I meet some friend of a friend who is very attractive. We end up talking for a while and I start to really get into her. She always seems (note the "seems") to like me too. So, naturally, I get excited and really try to lay it on thick. "You're definitely the prettiest girl at the party," "a Politics major? God, you're so smart," and, the unbeatable, "Hey, wanna touch me inappropriately?" It is at this point that the girl always seems to grow a little uncomfortable. She will fidget, laugh nervously, and, for all I know, sneak out a fart as a defense mechanism.
-Of course, this is where the story will end as she will go to "fill her drink" and come back with another friend. But, here is the funny part, since (other than me hitting on her) we had a great and funny conversation, she will immediately become my friend. She will call me to talk and want advice on her relationships. IT'S HELL and I'm sick of it.
-So, to all the hot girls out there that want to be my friend, just stop it! How do you know that I am not the best lover in the world (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I am not filthy rich (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I am disease free (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I don't like my ex (unless y
-You see, when you are funny, women flock to you. But not for sex".no, they want entertainment. And I don't have any problem providing them with it. Plus, every now and then, these friendships lead to such entertaining events as "I can change in front of you", "Will you grab my boobs and tell me if they're big", and, of course, my favorite, "vagina inspector." Ahhh, the times we've had. But my hot girl friend quota is all full now.
-It seems like every time I go out, I meet some friend of a friend who is very attractive. We end up talking for a while and I start to really get into her. She always seems (note the "seems") to like me too. So, naturally, I get excited and really try to lay it on thick. "You're definitely the prettiest girl at the party," "a Politics major? God, you're so smart," and, the unbeatable, "Hey, wanna touch me inappropriately?" It is at this point that the girl always seems to grow a little uncomfortable. She will fidget, laugh nervously, and, for all I know, sneak out a fart as a defense mechanism.
-Of course, this is where the story will end as she will go to "fill her drink" and come back with another friend. But, here is the funny part, since (other than me hitting on her) we had a great and funny conversation, she will immediately become my friend. She will call me to talk and want advice on her relationships. IT'S HELL and I'm sick of it.
-So, to all the hot girls out there that want to be my friend, just stop it! How do you know that I am not the best lover in the world (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I am not filthy rich (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I am disease free (unless you talked to my ex, of course)? How do you know that I don't like my ex (unless y