Articles Archive for Fordham
14 total in July 2004
Six Flags: Your One Stop Source For Summer Fun!
by Streeter Seidell July 26, 2004
Bored? Why not jump in the car and head to Six Flags New England, located in beautiful Agawam, Massachusetts? I bet you could use a little relaxation and quality time with your family; You've earned it! Sure, there are lots of amusement parks out there, but let us tell you why Six Flags New England is the best of them all.
Typhoon Lagoon Water Park
It sure can get hot in the summer time. Luckily, Six Flags' Typhoon Lagoon is there to cool you off! Thanks to restorations this winter, Typhoon Lagoon is better than ever. We now offer a whopping 25 square feet of changing room space to be shared between our estimated 10,000 daily attendees. Nothing brings a family closer than trying to hide your genitals from your crazy uncle Saul. Plus, with our new "easy open" lockers, you can be sure to have a place for your things. Heck, even if you forget the combination to the lock, a quick pound on the door and it will open right up!
Once you're all changed, stop by one of our two wave pools to cool off. Enjoy the summer sun with fifteen thousand screaming kids and fat, middle aged moms as our wave makers generate swells up to 1 ½ feet high! Don't worry, you won't drown in these huge waves; we have a crack lifeguard staff made up of local stoners from area high schools who are trained to semi-frequently take a moment from their conversations to glance at the pool.
I bet those waves really tired you out! Take a tube ride down the "Lazy River" and let your cares drift away. The "Lazy River" is a half mile long, self propelled waterway which is treated to maintain the same temperature as human urine. With it's warm currents and slightly yellow color, the "Lazy River" is a perfect way to relax and prepare for"
THE WATER SLIDES!!!! No other theme park in America can boast as many potentially life-threatening water attractions as Typhoon Lagoon. For all you thrill seekers out there, try the "Hey, What's That Taste In My Mouth?" This 2000 foot thrill slide will propel you to speeds exceeding 80 Mph and bring you to an abrupt, slightly painful stop leaving you asking, "Hey, what's that taste in my mouth?" I can tell you, it's your bathing suit wedged so far up your ass you can actually taste it! Other popular water slides include the "There Goes My Top" and the "Skin-Burn" -The ride that pain built!
Typhoon Lagoon is the perfect way to cool off this summer with the family. And don't worry if you have toddlers; Typhoon Lagoon is equipped with a kiddy water park named "PeePee's Play Park" where younger children learn important water safety and bladder control techniquies!
I bet you're hungry. Why not head to"
The Food Court
Six Flags has taken every spare inch of park space and put up a food vendor's stand so that your kids will not only never be hungry, but never stop bugging you for food either. To make sure you can try all of our delicious treats, we confiscate any food or drink that you try to bring into the park and dump it on the ground in front of you. How about some chicken fingers? Only $13.99 and just $3 extra for fries. I don't think you can beat those prices. And thanks to a recent partnership with the Coca-Cola corporation, we now offer Dasani water for a mere $3 a bottle (plus tax). All of our food is high in protein and loaded with sugar to make sure your child has enough energy to scream, kick, and pester you to ride every single thing in the park. Even when you leave, the amount of sugar in his/her blood will keep him/her talking about the park for the whole drive home!
But I think we've all had enough food now; it's time for some"
Thrill Rides
Six Flags takes safety very seriously. In fact, when three people recently died on one of our roller coasters, we shut down the ride for almost half an hour. It is this same level of dedication to the customer that also makes our rides some of the best in the country. First, take a spin on "Batman; The Ride" and see what it is like to hold your breath for two minutes straight. Our chest restraints are so tight on your body, you won't have a choice! Experience the thrill of having your head slammed against the plastic head rests over and over again"just like batman!
Next, why not stop by the "Mind Eraser?" This thrill coaster will not only thrill you, but will also remind you of what you have eaten previously as it will inevitably end up all over your shirt. As an added bonus, this ride has no floor so you legs dangle free in the air. Feel your tendons rip as you fly through twists and spins and kiss that expensive knee surgery goodbye! Our staff are even on hand when you exit with fresh towels so that you may wipe away any leaking scar tissue!
Ever wonder what it feels like to be beaten by gang members? I thought so. Stop by the "Thunderbolt," Six Flags' vintage wooden roller coaster. Be jarred left and right and have your testicles crushed by the lap bar which will be forced down to its lowest position by our employees. Look and see which beams on this ancient wooden coaster have rotted out and been replaced by un-painted new ones! And don't forget to take a good long look around you before you ride, as you will certainly tear out all of your neck muscles and be incapable of peripheral head movement for quite some time!
But now, on to the biggest ride of them all, "Superman!" This gigantic roller coater answers the question, "I wonder what it would feel like to leap off a building to certain death?" With its 221 foot drop and blistering 80 Mph speed, the "Superman" coaster will have you trying to hide your shit stains for the rest of the day! Plus, we have conveniently built three miles of line space to assure that every one of the 83,000 riders an hour has a place to stand in the sun.
So why not come down to Six Flags New England and spend some time with our family? Ask about the Family Value Pass; only $875, it pays for itself in 300 visits! There is plenty of parking in our two lots each only 3 miles from the park and we make sure to let in every stray piece of white trash that comes drifting by. Hope to see you soon!*
The Staff of Six Flags New England
*Please do not attempt to ride the attractions if you are over 5 feet tall and/or weigh more than 112 Lbs, as you will definitely not fit. Thank you!
Typhoon Lagoon Water Park
It sure can get hot in the summer time. Luckily, Six Flags' Typhoon Lagoon is there to cool you off! Thanks to restorations this winter, Typhoon Lagoon is better than ever. We now offer a whopping 25 square feet of changing room space to be shared between our estimated 10,000 daily attendees. Nothing brings a family closer than trying to hide your genitals from your crazy uncle Saul. Plus, with our new "easy open" lockers, you can be sure to have a place for your things. Heck, even if you forget the combination to the lock, a quick pound on the door and it will open right up!
Once you're all changed, stop by one of our two wave pools to cool off. Enjoy the summer sun with fifteen thousand screaming kids and fat, middle aged moms as our wave makers generate swells up to 1 ½ feet high! Don't worry, you won't drown in these huge waves; we have a crack lifeguard staff made up of local stoners from area high schools who are trained to semi-frequently take a moment from their conversations to glance at the pool.
I bet those waves really tired you out! Take a tube ride down the "Lazy River" and let your cares drift away. The "Lazy River" is a half mile long, self propelled waterway which is treated to maintain the same temperature as human urine. With it's warm currents and slightly yellow color, the "Lazy River" is a perfect way to relax and prepare for"
THE WATER SLIDES!!!! No other theme park in America can boast as many potentially life-threatening water attractions as Typhoon Lagoon. For all you thrill seekers out there, try the "Hey, What's That Taste In My Mouth?" This 2000 foot thrill slide will propel you to speeds exceeding 80 Mph and bring you to an abrupt, slightly painful stop leaving you asking, "Hey, what's that taste in my mouth?" I can tell you, it's your bathing suit wedged so far up your ass you can actually taste it! Other popular water slides include the "There Goes My Top" and the "Skin-Burn" -The ride that pain built!
Typhoon Lagoon is the perfect way to cool off this summer with the family. And don't worry if you have toddlers; Typhoon Lagoon is equipped with a kiddy water park named "PeePee's Play Park" where younger children learn important water safety and bladder control techniquies!
I bet you're hungry. Why not head to"
The Food Court
Six Flags has taken every spare inch of park space and put up a food vendor's stand so that your kids will not only never be hungry, but never stop bugging you for food either. To make sure you can try all of our delicious treats, we confiscate any food or drink that you try to bring into the park and dump it on the ground in front of you. How about some chicken fingers? Only $13.99 and just $3 extra for fries. I don't think you can beat those prices. And thanks to a recent partnership with the Coca-Cola corporation, we now offer Dasani water for a mere $3 a bottle (plus tax). All of our food is high in protein and loaded with sugar to make sure your child has enough energy to scream, kick, and pester you to ride every single thing in the park. Even when you leave, the amount of sugar in his/her blood will keep him/her talking about the park for the whole drive home!
But I think we've all had enough food now; it's time for some"
Thrill Rides
Six Flags takes safety very seriously. In fact, when three people recently died on one of our roller coasters, we shut down the ride for almost half an hour. It is this same level of dedication to the customer that also makes our rides some of the best in the country. First, take a spin on "Batman; The Ride" and see what it is like to hold your breath for two minutes straight. Our chest restraints are so tight on your body, you won't have a choice! Experience the thrill of having your head slammed against the plastic head rests over and over again"just like batman!
Next, why not stop by the "Mind Eraser?" This thrill coaster will not only thrill you, but will also remind you of what you have eaten previously as it will inevitably end up all over your shirt. As an added bonus, this ride has no floor so you legs dangle free in the air. Feel your tendons rip as you fly through twists and spins and kiss that expensive knee surgery goodbye! Our staff are even on hand when you exit with fresh towels so that you may wipe away any leaking scar tissue!
Ever wonder what it feels like to be beaten by gang members? I thought so. Stop by the "Thunderbolt," Six Flags' vintage wooden roller coaster. Be jarred left and right and have your testicles crushed by the lap bar which will be forced down to its lowest position by our employees. Look and see which beams on this ancient wooden coaster have rotted out and been replaced by un-painted new ones! And don't forget to take a good long look around you before you ride, as you will certainly tear out all of your neck muscles and be incapable of peripheral head movement for quite some time!
But now, on to the biggest ride of them all, "Superman!" This gigantic roller coater answers the question, "I wonder what it would feel like to leap off a building to certain death?" With its 221 foot drop and blistering 80 Mph speed, the "Superman" coaster will have you trying to hide your shit stains for the rest of the day! Plus, we have conveniently built three miles of line space to assure that every one of the 83,000 riders an hour has a place to stand in the sun.
So why not come down to Six Flags New England and spend some time with our family? Ask about the Family Value Pass; only $875, it pays for itself in 300 visits! There is plenty of parking in our two lots each only 3 miles from the park and we make sure to let in every stray piece of white trash that comes drifting by. Hope to see you soon!*
The Staff of Six Flags New England
*Please do not attempt to ride the attractions if you are over 5 feet tall and/or weigh more than 112 Lbs, as you will definitely not fit. Thank you!
People You Hate XVI
by Streeter Seidell July 23, 2004
You love your dog. You love your parents. You love your girlfriend or boyfriend. You love your favorite band or movie or book. You love a lot of stuff and you always seem to tell people about it. I'm here once again to put an end to that; to spread a little much needed hate around. Welcome back to the 16th installment of the Famous Hate List.
Remember, if you want to vent, rant, mock or openly hate on a particular kind of person, email me your submission at suxatlife@hotmail.com.
MINE:
The Human Thermometer: There are many ways to find out what the current state of the weather is in your locality. The easiest is to simply go outside and see for yourself. Of course, this being America, there are plenty of other options; you could check the internet, watch the weather channel or simply wait for the human thermometer to inform you as to the temperature. "GOD"It's so hot today!" No shit? Maybe that's why I'm sweating bullets, my ice cream is currently sliding down my arm and my dog seems to be having an asthma attack. It never occurred to me that all of these things were happening until you, with your perceptive senses, clued me into this thing called "heat." Isn't it nice that you take the time to complain to everyone about the heat like you are the only person who has noticed it. Do you expect people to say, "Oh"you're right, it IS hot today!" Why don't you get inside an oven and tell everyone when it starts getting hot in there? Take your bitching elsewhere because my sweat-soaked shirt and bright red face want none of it"I Hate You!
Dead-Air Darrel: Ring"ring"ring""Hey, what's up?" "Nothin" "Ok, ummm"how ya been?" "Aight." "Do you wanna talk about anything?" (long pause) "Not really." Then why the hell did you call me, you useless shit? Normally when making a phone call, the executor has some sort of purpose. You can call someone to see how they have been, to ask a favor, to tell them a story, but not dead-air Darrel. His phone call to you will be one of awkward silence followed by a cough and then some more silence. Tyr as you might, you will never obtain a definitive reason for his call. You will query about everything under the sun only to be met with stubborn, one-word answers. After a few minutes, you will even begin to feel bad about the state of call, forgetting that he was the one who called you. Hey Darrel, if you want to call me, have something to say. I don't really enjoy sitting on the phone waiting for a topic to be decided on while listening to you breathe. You waste my minutes, you're boring but most of all"I Hate You! "Whatcha think about that, huh?" "I dunno."
Mr. Obscurity: I like to joke around with my friends. Sometimes we make up fake movies and TV shows and discuss plotlines. Sometimes we enact ridiculous scenarios merely to pass the hours. But whenever a lively game such as the aforementioned ones take place, Mr. Obscurity feels he must lend his two cents. Me: "Oh man, wouldn't it be funny if there was a guy who fell down whenever someone said the number 3?" My Friend: "Oh and he would also scream a swear whenever someone said his name." Mr. Obscurity: "That's like that movie "The Unknown Man""did you guys see that?...No?...Oh dude, it's the best, let me tell you about it!" And then Mr. Obscurity will regale you with the plot, basic characters, and conflict of a movie made in 1968 that fifteen people have seen. You won't care, your friends won't care but he will act as if he is bestowing ancient knowledge on you and will expect you to thank him for his efforts. He really is a sad figure; you can almost picture him sitting in his basement alone watching obscure movies just so he has something to talk about at parties. Hey Mr. Obscurity, have you ever heard that song by "Geordie McGardy?" It came out in 1926 and they only printed three copies of it. It goes like this"I Hate You!
YOURS:
Reader Andy G. Really hates: LITTLE MAN SYNDROME SUFFERERS: This is the guy that is 5'4" or shorter, 130lb's and smaller, and for some reason thinks they can kick or pummel whoever's ass that gets in their way. Hey shorty, I almost stepped on you a second ago, and now you want to fight me because that girl over there seemed to "glance over you." Look, in no way am I jacked up or ripped, but I DON'T ACT LIKE I AM!!! You seem to start fights or get attitudes with people, then if someone actually gets riled up enough to do something about it, you call your boys over. Yeah real tough having someone finish the job that you couldn't do yourself. Hey midget, get some lifts, take some hormones, or get a life or something. No one can see you at parties, no one can see you when you drive, and no one could care less that you think you can have any girl in the bar. If I need to put my beer down for a second, ill find you and use your head as a coaster. Hey toto, I hate you!!!
Reader Flyboy Steve really hates: The Boasting "Playa" If you're good with the ladies, that's great, but please don't regale me with tales of how enormous your cock is and how every girl at school wants you. This is the kind of guy that gets off on the sound of his own voice and probably masturbates to a picture of himself every night. He's the kind of guy that when he's forty, he'll buy hair plugs and cheap cologne and talk his way into the pants of drunk high school girls and middle aged housewives, not that he doesn't do that now, of course. Now, I'm not a genius, but I know that when you try to convince me that your manmeat is 12 inches long and four finger-breadths in width, you're so full of shit that Slick Willy Clinton would call you a liar. Do you like to make up things about your John Thomas, or do you actually harbor a delusion that your penis is a FOOT IN LENGTH? Because last I checked, that's damn near impossible. And while I'm as confident of the size of my junior airman as anybody, I'm not going to a)follow it like a divining rod to anything with a hole and a pulse or b) tell all my friends that my dick is comparable to that of an average elephant's. This binaca-spraying assclown will try to tell you that the girl sitting at the next table over is "totally checking me out, dude." No, you shitcock, she's looking at you, the giant quivering mass of narcissism sitting accross from me, and wondering when you'll shut your irritating pie hole. Reign in your raging hormones and unjustifiably inflated ego, wash off your VD, and start hounding for skirt somewhere else...preferably in traffic...I Hate You!
Reader Vinny really hates: The "Every time is a good time for NEXTEL" Kid. You're sitting down in a restaurant talking to your friends and from the table behind you "BEEP BEEP! WHATUP YO!" BEEP BEEP "Yo that party was so tight! I can't believe I fucked that girl AND her sister!" BEEP BEEP "Yo the whole restaurant just heard you man!" BEEP BEEP "Really?" BEEP BEEP "HAHA Yea man that's so funny!" BEEP BEEP "FUCK DUDE HAHA!" I might not like the easy listening bullshit playing over the speakers but I'll take Kenny G. over your fucking Nextel conversation, thanks. Seriously, I'm glad someone invented a way to connect to your friends across the country in .06 seconds so that you can talk about what bag of STDs you got to rompin' last night. I don't need to hear that shit while I'm eating my boneless buffalo wings. I know those fuckin things come with the option to turn that shit down, so get to it. No public place is safe from the Nextel kid. Can I buy some toothpaste at CVS without BEEP BEEP "YO DUDE, (nasty story that will eventually end in him learning he has the clap)" please? The people that abuse the Nextel service like this also usually have an antenna that glows such a bright green that you're sure to get radiation poisoning when they get an incoming call, and a battery with flashing colors and chaser lights that make my Christmas tree cream itself with envy. Does your phone have to be able to guide a 747 to the fucking runway? They also like to make sure all their clothes are arranged so as not to obscure this lighthouse from your sight as it dangles from their hip. Hey guess what? BEEP BEEP "I FUCKING HATE YOU!"
Reader Mike from New Haven really hates: The Beast Girl: There are two variations of this girl, the disgustingly fat girl who has so much body hair she looks like the wolfman, yuck. Then there's the slim girl who would be hot if she didn't have more fucking body hair than Grizzly Adams. I haven't shaved in a week, why do you have more facial hair than me? Oh, you think bleaching your arm hair will make it less noticeable? Guess again freak, you have more arm hair than Robin Williams, I could weave a fucking rug out of that shit. Get a wax for fuck's sake you wookie bitch, I HATE YOU.
Mike also hates: Ten Kid Tina: This fucking woman has to go to the store and bring all ten of her fucking out of control kids with her. You're kids are running wild, learn some fucking discipline for Christ's sake. Tell your God damn kids to shut the hell up and behave. Next time leave your kids at home, or better yet, drown them in the tub you worthless cumrag. I hate you.
Reader Greg "G-Unit" really hates: People who own Hummer H2's in the lower 48 states: What the fuck is your problem. There is no God damn reason for you to drive something like that. The weather will never get that bad where your overspending ass will need a fucking H2. "Oh but I live in Montana." BUY A FUCKING SNOWMACHINE (I used to call them snowmobiles until the Andrea the Alaskan said otherwise) you fucking douche. The damn things get horrible gas mileage and they're dangerous to everyone else driving normal fucking vehicles. You loose control of that thing everyone's fucking dead even the people on the other side of the median. You want to show the world you have money, buy a fucking Escalade put some twenty-two inch rims on and drive to your local Sheetz, then we'll all know you're a rich, overspending vaginal scar. I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU.
G-Unit also hates: The whisperer: This ass monkey sits next to you in a calculus or chem class and whispers answers under his breath AND MOST OF THE TIME THEY'RE WRONG. Look, you have no idea what you're doing, I'm over here trying to figure out the right answer and you're whispering the wrong fucking answer. I swear you either shut up, or I will reach over, rip out your vocal cords and hang you from a light post with them Spiderman style. DAMN I HATE YOU
Finally, reader Shelby S. really hates: the girl that has constant guy problems and thinks that everyone wants to hear about them. Here's a hot tip: NO ONE CARES. She always talks about Kyle or Brian or Shane or Sean or Seth or the hot guy that she made out with at the concert and never got his name and she thinks that he might be gay because he never called her back and I mean, yeah, if someone didn't call YOU back then he MUST be gay because who wouldn't want to sleep with you, you STD encrusted whorebag? Here's another tip: You're not really all that sly. We all know that you're just talking about all these guys because you want to make yourself seem cool and popular and like people actually like you. You don't really want anyone to comfort you and feel sorry for you! You just want people to step back and say, "Wow. That girl has fucked every guy in the last three graduating classes. Now THAT'S admirable." Shut your stupid mouth and go find some other fuckface loser to screw that will never call you again because he realized what a whore you were. You know what, on second thought, DON'T. Because I'm going to have to hear about it for the next week, you skank. I hate you!
That's all the hate for this week. Check back in a mere seven days for fresh hate and new, inventive derogatory terms. And remember, if you want to see your hate posted on the internet and read by untold millions, email suxatlife@hotmail.com but please, please capitalize your "i"s. Thank you and goodnight.
Remember, if you want to vent, rant, mock or openly hate on a particular kind of person, email me your submission at suxatlife@hotmail.com.
MINE:
The Human Thermometer: There are many ways to find out what the current state of the weather is in your locality. The easiest is to simply go outside and see for yourself. Of course, this being America, there are plenty of other options; you could check the internet, watch the weather channel or simply wait for the human thermometer to inform you as to the temperature. "GOD"It's so hot today!" No shit? Maybe that's why I'm sweating bullets, my ice cream is currently sliding down my arm and my dog seems to be having an asthma attack. It never occurred to me that all of these things were happening until you, with your perceptive senses, clued me into this thing called "heat." Isn't it nice that you take the time to complain to everyone about the heat like you are the only person who has noticed it. Do you expect people to say, "Oh"you're right, it IS hot today!" Why don't you get inside an oven and tell everyone when it starts getting hot in there? Take your bitching elsewhere because my sweat-soaked shirt and bright red face want none of it"I Hate You!
Dead-Air Darrel: Ring"ring"ring""Hey, what's up?" "Nothin" "Ok, ummm"how ya been?" "Aight." "Do you wanna talk about anything?" (long pause) "Not really." Then why the hell did you call me, you useless shit? Normally when making a phone call, the executor has some sort of purpose. You can call someone to see how they have been, to ask a favor, to tell them a story, but not dead-air Darrel. His phone call to you will be one of awkward silence followed by a cough and then some more silence. Tyr as you might, you will never obtain a definitive reason for his call. You will query about everything under the sun only to be met with stubborn, one-word answers. After a few minutes, you will even begin to feel bad about the state of call, forgetting that he was the one who called you. Hey Darrel, if you want to call me, have something to say. I don't really enjoy sitting on the phone waiting for a topic to be decided on while listening to you breathe. You waste my minutes, you're boring but most of all"I Hate You! "Whatcha think about that, huh?" "I dunno."
Mr. Obscurity: I like to joke around with my friends. Sometimes we make up fake movies and TV shows and discuss plotlines. Sometimes we enact ridiculous scenarios merely to pass the hours. But whenever a lively game such as the aforementioned ones take place, Mr. Obscurity feels he must lend his two cents. Me: "Oh man, wouldn't it be funny if there was a guy who fell down whenever someone said the number 3?" My Friend: "Oh and he would also scream a swear whenever someone said his name." Mr. Obscurity: "That's like that movie "The Unknown Man""did you guys see that?...No?...Oh dude, it's the best, let me tell you about it!" And then Mr. Obscurity will regale you with the plot, basic characters, and conflict of a movie made in 1968 that fifteen people have seen. You won't care, your friends won't care but he will act as if he is bestowing ancient knowledge on you and will expect you to thank him for his efforts. He really is a sad figure; you can almost picture him sitting in his basement alone watching obscure movies just so he has something to talk about at parties. Hey Mr. Obscurity, have you ever heard that song by "Geordie McGardy?" It came out in 1926 and they only printed three copies of it. It goes like this"I Hate You!
YOURS:
Reader Andy G. Really hates: LITTLE MAN SYNDROME SUFFERERS: This is the guy that is 5'4" or shorter, 130lb's and smaller, and for some reason thinks they can kick or pummel whoever's ass that gets in their way. Hey shorty, I almost stepped on you a second ago, and now you want to fight me because that girl over there seemed to "glance over you." Look, in no way am I jacked up or ripped, but I DON'T ACT LIKE I AM!!! You seem to start fights or get attitudes with people, then if someone actually gets riled up enough to do something about it, you call your boys over. Yeah real tough having someone finish the job that you couldn't do yourself. Hey midget, get some lifts, take some hormones, or get a life or something. No one can see you at parties, no one can see you when you drive, and no one could care less that you think you can have any girl in the bar. If I need to put my beer down for a second, ill find you and use your head as a coaster. Hey toto, I hate you!!!
Reader Flyboy Steve really hates: The Boasting "Playa" If you're good with the ladies, that's great, but please don't regale me with tales of how enormous your cock is and how every girl at school wants you. This is the kind of guy that gets off on the sound of his own voice and probably masturbates to a picture of himself every night. He's the kind of guy that when he's forty, he'll buy hair plugs and cheap cologne and talk his way into the pants of drunk high school girls and middle aged housewives, not that he doesn't do that now, of course. Now, I'm not a genius, but I know that when you try to convince me that your manmeat is 12 inches long and four finger-breadths in width, you're so full of shit that Slick Willy Clinton would call you a liar. Do you like to make up things about your John Thomas, or do you actually harbor a delusion that your penis is a FOOT IN LENGTH? Because last I checked, that's damn near impossible. And while I'm as confident of the size of my junior airman as anybody, I'm not going to a)follow it like a divining rod to anything with a hole and a pulse or b) tell all my friends that my dick is comparable to that of an average elephant's. This binaca-spraying assclown will try to tell you that the girl sitting at the next table over is "totally checking me out, dude." No, you shitcock, she's looking at you, the giant quivering mass of narcissism sitting accross from me, and wondering when you'll shut your irritating pie hole. Reign in your raging hormones and unjustifiably inflated ego, wash off your VD, and start hounding for skirt somewhere else...preferably in traffic...I Hate You!
Reader Vinny really hates: The "Every time is a good time for NEXTEL" Kid. You're sitting down in a restaurant talking to your friends and from the table behind you "BEEP BEEP! WHATUP YO!" BEEP BEEP "Yo that party was so tight! I can't believe I fucked that girl AND her sister!" BEEP BEEP "Yo the whole restaurant just heard you man!" BEEP BEEP "Really?" BEEP BEEP "HAHA Yea man that's so funny!" BEEP BEEP "FUCK DUDE HAHA!" I might not like the easy listening bullshit playing over the speakers but I'll take Kenny G. over your fucking Nextel conversation, thanks. Seriously, I'm glad someone invented a way to connect to your friends across the country in .06 seconds so that you can talk about what bag of STDs you got to rompin' last night. I don't need to hear that shit while I'm eating my boneless buffalo wings. I know those fuckin things come with the option to turn that shit down, so get to it. No public place is safe from the Nextel kid. Can I buy some toothpaste at CVS without BEEP BEEP "YO DUDE, (nasty story that will eventually end in him learning he has the clap)" please? The people that abuse the Nextel service like this also usually have an antenna that glows such a bright green that you're sure to get radiation poisoning when they get an incoming call, and a battery with flashing colors and chaser lights that make my Christmas tree cream itself with envy. Does your phone have to be able to guide a 747 to the fucking runway? They also like to make sure all their clothes are arranged so as not to obscure this lighthouse from your sight as it dangles from their hip. Hey guess what? BEEP BEEP "I FUCKING HATE YOU!"
Reader Mike from New Haven really hates: The Beast Girl: There are two variations of this girl, the disgustingly fat girl who has so much body hair she looks like the wolfman, yuck. Then there's the slim girl who would be hot if she didn't have more fucking body hair than Grizzly Adams. I haven't shaved in a week, why do you have more facial hair than me? Oh, you think bleaching your arm hair will make it less noticeable? Guess again freak, you have more arm hair than Robin Williams, I could weave a fucking rug out of that shit. Get a wax for fuck's sake you wookie bitch, I HATE YOU.
Mike also hates: Ten Kid Tina: This fucking woman has to go to the store and bring all ten of her fucking out of control kids with her. You're kids are running wild, learn some fucking discipline for Christ's sake. Tell your God damn kids to shut the hell up and behave. Next time leave your kids at home, or better yet, drown them in the tub you worthless cumrag. I hate you.
Reader Greg "G-Unit" really hates: People who own Hummer H2's in the lower 48 states: What the fuck is your problem. There is no God damn reason for you to drive something like that. The weather will never get that bad where your overspending ass will need a fucking H2. "Oh but I live in Montana." BUY A FUCKING SNOWMACHINE (I used to call them snowmobiles until the Andrea the Alaskan said otherwise) you fucking douche. The damn things get horrible gas mileage and they're dangerous to everyone else driving normal fucking vehicles. You loose control of that thing everyone's fucking dead even the people on the other side of the median. You want to show the world you have money, buy a fucking Escalade put some twenty-two inch rims on and drive to your local Sheetz, then we'll all know you're a rich, overspending vaginal scar. I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU.
G-Unit also hates: The whisperer: This ass monkey sits next to you in a calculus or chem class and whispers answers under his breath AND MOST OF THE TIME THEY'RE WRONG. Look, you have no idea what you're doing, I'm over here trying to figure out the right answer and you're whispering the wrong fucking answer. I swear you either shut up, or I will reach over, rip out your vocal cords and hang you from a light post with them Spiderman style. DAMN I HATE YOU
Finally, reader Shelby S. really hates: the girl that has constant guy problems and thinks that everyone wants to hear about them. Here's a hot tip: NO ONE CARES. She always talks about Kyle or Brian or Shane or Sean or Seth or the hot guy that she made out with at the concert and never got his name and she thinks that he might be gay because he never called her back and I mean, yeah, if someone didn't call YOU back then he MUST be gay because who wouldn't want to sleep with you, you STD encrusted whorebag? Here's another tip: You're not really all that sly. We all know that you're just talking about all these guys because you want to make yourself seem cool and popular and like people actually like you. You don't really want anyone to comfort you and feel sorry for you! You just want people to step back and say, "Wow. That girl has fucked every guy in the last three graduating classes. Now THAT'S admirable." Shut your stupid mouth and go find some other fuckface loser to screw that will never call you again because he realized what a whore you were. You know what, on second thought, DON'T. Because I'm going to have to hear about it for the next week, you skank. I hate you!
That's all the hate for this week. Check back in a mere seven days for fresh hate and new, inventive derogatory terms. And remember, if you want to see your hate posted on the internet and read by untold millions, email suxatlife@hotmail.com but please, please capitalize your "i"s. Thank you and goodnight.
Race Relations
by Streeter Seidell July 22, 2004
Not many people in this world are as lucky as I am. Today, for instance, I was paid a ludicrous amount of money to take a bunch of kids to Six Flags (an amusement park for all you foreigners). I spend my summer weeks working with disadvantaged children; taking them swimming, to the park, on field trips etc"It's a great job but it poses one significant problem; race relations.
You see, most of my kids are black. Some are Hispanic and about one percent of them are white, like me. Today on the bus ride to Six Flags, they started to play the name game, where each player must say a proper name starting with the letter that follows that of the previous player's selection. They asked me to play and I obliged. It went as such, "Ashanti"Beyonce"Cameron"Dawayne"(me) Emma"Foqu"wait, Emma aint nobody's name." These kids did not know of anyone named "Emma" and they refused to believe that it was an actual name. They contested "Emma" as fervently as I contested "Tamirika" and "Solando." And that is when I realized that these kids were in a completely different world than I was.
I know now that these kids will never see the world through the eyes that I do and vice versa. They don't know anything about The Dave Matthews Band, playing through on the course, Polo's new line, or hair gel. I, in turn, couldn't tell you the first thing about getting "ashy," street style, mini motorcycles, or exactly how one does the "Rockaway." But, I have picked up a few tips from these kids and I think they have picked up a few from me. And what kind of a person would I be if I did not do my small part to build a bridge between the races.
White People Need To Know"
That black people do indeed get sunburns, but they call it "getting darker."
That it is funny to them when white people try to talk as they do.
That water refuses to soak into a black person's hair.
That black people are not afraid of you"ever.
That saying you like Taco Bell will not make a Hispanic person admire you.
That we look absolutely ridiculous in a doorag.
That country music stars do not "drop" an album.
That black people will always be 1 to 3 steps ahead of us in popular culture.
That if a black person claims you as his "nigga" it is a compliment.
That if you claim a black person as your "nigger," you will lose your teeth.
That while a branding tattoo may look good on black skin, it does not on white.
That the rebel flag is just dumb at this point"nobody likes a sore loser.
That black people make better food than your Grandma ever will- trust me, I've eaten it.
Black People Need To Know"
That some white people can dance"kinda.
That a sunburn hurts really, really bad and you shouldn't slap it.
That white people are afraid of you"always.
That it isn't proper to call my hair "nappy."
That we feel really bad about slavery but we don't know what to do about it.
That we like Eddie Murphy, but we LOVE Jerry Seinfeld.
That we're not all racist"just most of us.
That we will not be able to hold our own in a game of "who's cock is bigger?"
That we get cold in the winter time too.
That I can't tell you anything about white people that Richard Prior hasn't already.
The bottom line is we are all just people trying to make it through the day the best we can. All the other shit - black rage, white guilt - is all just incidental. So what if I can't dance and don't think "Shamikwa" is a real name. So what if my kids make fun of the way I pronounce "ask" and insist "White Chicks" is the funniest movie of all time. We are all just normal people. Some of us like Jay-Z, some of us like"actually everyone likes Jay-Z. My point is, the next time you see someone of a different race, try to understand why they act the way they do. Now, this may be difficult if that person is stealing your wallet or burning a cross in your front yard, but try anyway. Plus, when it comes down to it, we can all agree on one thing; Asians are weird.
You see, most of my kids are black. Some are Hispanic and about one percent of them are white, like me. Today on the bus ride to Six Flags, they started to play the name game, where each player must say a proper name starting with the letter that follows that of the previous player's selection. They asked me to play and I obliged. It went as such, "Ashanti"Beyonce"Cameron"Dawayne"(me) Emma"Foqu"wait, Emma aint nobody's name." These kids did not know of anyone named "Emma" and they refused to believe that it was an actual name. They contested "Emma" as fervently as I contested "Tamirika" and "Solando." And that is when I realized that these kids were in a completely different world than I was.
I know now that these kids will never see the world through the eyes that I do and vice versa. They don't know anything about The Dave Matthews Band, playing through on the course, Polo's new line, or hair gel. I, in turn, couldn't tell you the first thing about getting "ashy," street style, mini motorcycles, or exactly how one does the "Rockaway." But, I have picked up a few tips from these kids and I think they have picked up a few from me. And what kind of a person would I be if I did not do my small part to build a bridge between the races.
White People Need To Know"
That black people do indeed get sunburns, but they call it "getting darker."
That it is funny to them when white people try to talk as they do.
That water refuses to soak into a black person's hair.
That black people are not afraid of you"ever.
That saying you like Taco Bell will not make a Hispanic person admire you.
That we look absolutely ridiculous in a doorag.
That country music stars do not "drop" an album.
That black people will always be 1 to 3 steps ahead of us in popular culture.
That if a black person claims you as his "nigga" it is a compliment.
That if you claim a black person as your "nigger," you will lose your teeth.
That while a branding tattoo may look good on black skin, it does not on white.
That the rebel flag is just dumb at this point"nobody likes a sore loser.
That black people make better food than your Grandma ever will- trust me, I've eaten it.
Black People Need To Know"
That some white people can dance"kinda.
That a sunburn hurts really, really bad and you shouldn't slap it.
That white people are afraid of you"always.
That it isn't proper to call my hair "nappy."
That we feel really bad about slavery but we don't know what to do about it.
That we like Eddie Murphy, but we LOVE Jerry Seinfeld.
That we're not all racist"just most of us.
That we will not be able to hold our own in a game of "who's cock is bigger?"
That we get cold in the winter time too.
That I can't tell you anything about white people that Richard Prior hasn't already.
The bottom line is we are all just people trying to make it through the day the best we can. All the other shit - black rage, white guilt - is all just incidental. So what if I can't dance and don't think "Shamikwa" is a real name. So what if my kids make fun of the way I pronounce "ask" and insist "White Chicks" is the funniest movie of all time. We are all just normal people. Some of us like Jay-Z, some of us like"actually everyone likes Jay-Z. My point is, the next time you see someone of a different race, try to understand why they act the way they do. Now, this may be difficult if that person is stealing your wallet or burning a cross in your front yard, but try anyway. Plus, when it comes down to it, we can all agree on one thing; Asians are weird.
Bad Term Papers: World War II
by Streeter Seidell July 20, 2004
Malcolm Randolph
Ms. Henry
8th Grade History
6th Period
World War 2
A long time ago there was this country called germany and it was full of jewish people. Nobody liked them so this guy Hitler started a club called the natzees and took over the country. He was a painter and he went to jail where he wrote a book about his kamfff. All these people were into his book and so they started to kill jews and it sucked.
Killing jews isn't good becuz jews are cool and I know becuz my cousin is jewish and they have fun parties when they turn 13. Anyways, Hitler took over all these countries like poleland and Ireland. He even took over france and when he got there napoleon just gave up and let him take over.
But he couldn't take over England becuz they had lots of airplanes and the natzees didn't. And then america didn't like germany anymore becuz the England speak almost like we do so we got into the war to. And England was really happy becuz they didn't have any tea left becuz we dumped it all out into Baltimore harbor but we brought them more tea and airplanes and guns becuz are guns are the best.
We all stayed in England for a while but the food was really bad in lundun so we left. On DeeDay we crossed the atlantic from England to france and freed all the jews. Everyone was happy except for Hitler becuz we let all the jews go.
So Hitler fought us in the water becuz he didn't have any army left. He did a surprise attack on pearl harbor in Havana and almost killed are hole navy. President Regan said that it was our finest hour and 9/11 will be remembered in infamous for all time. We sank all of the natzees boats at the battle of midway in the antarclantic ocean but the britisch lost there best boat, the titanic, when it hit a rock. Now that Hitler didn't have any boats left he went back to germany.
Finally we invaded Berlin the capitol of the natzees and found Hitler in a cave. He wouldn't come out so we dropped the worlds first atomic bom on him and he died and so did all the other natzees becuz they were in the cave with him.
Some people say that dropping an atomic bom on germany was wrong becuz it killed a lot of people but I say it was cool becuz Hitler was killing jews and that sux. Hitler was really mean and it's a a good thing we burned him to death becuz he could've got away and killed more jews and Americans.
World war 2 was a really bad war but it was also good. A lot of good movies have been made about it and my grandpa was in it and that's where he met my grandma. Plus if we never dropped a atomic bom we wouldn't have any electricitie. World war 1 was a good thing unless you were jewisch, then it was bad.
By Malcolm Randolph
Ms. Henry
8th Grade History
6th Period
World War 2
A long time ago there was this country called germany and it was full of jewish people. Nobody liked them so this guy Hitler started a club called the natzees and took over the country. He was a painter and he went to jail where he wrote a book about his kamfff. All these people were into his book and so they started to kill jews and it sucked.
Killing jews isn't good becuz jews are cool and I know becuz my cousin is jewish and they have fun parties when they turn 13. Anyways, Hitler took over all these countries like poleland and Ireland. He even took over france and when he got there napoleon just gave up and let him take over.
But he couldn't take over England becuz they had lots of airplanes and the natzees didn't. And then america didn't like germany anymore becuz the England speak almost like we do so we got into the war to. And England was really happy becuz they didn't have any tea left becuz we dumped it all out into Baltimore harbor but we brought them more tea and airplanes and guns becuz are guns are the best.
We all stayed in England for a while but the food was really bad in lundun so we left. On DeeDay we crossed the atlantic from England to france and freed all the jews. Everyone was happy except for Hitler becuz we let all the jews go.
So Hitler fought us in the water becuz he didn't have any army left. He did a surprise attack on pearl harbor in Havana and almost killed are hole navy. President Regan said that it was our finest hour and 9/11 will be remembered in infamous for all time. We sank all of the natzees boats at the battle of midway in the antarclantic ocean but the britisch lost there best boat, the titanic, when it hit a rock. Now that Hitler didn't have any boats left he went back to germany.
Finally we invaded Berlin the capitol of the natzees and found Hitler in a cave. He wouldn't come out so we dropped the worlds first atomic bom on him and he died and so did all the other natzees becuz they were in the cave with him.
Some people say that dropping an atomic bom on germany was wrong becuz it killed a lot of people but I say it was cool becuz Hitler was killing jews and that sux. Hitler was really mean and it's a a good thing we burned him to death becuz he could've got away and killed more jews and Americans.
World war 2 was a really bad war but it was also good. A lot of good movies have been made about it and my grandpa was in it and that's where he met my grandma. Plus if we never dropped a atomic bom we wouldn't have any electricitie. World war 1 was a good thing unless you were jewisch, then it was bad.
By Malcolm Randolph
The Streety Awards; Winners
by Streeter Seidell July 19, 2004
The Streety Awards - Winners
After tallying all the votes and sealing all the envelopes, the winners of the bi-monthly Streety Awards are ready to be announced. Remember, you voted for the winners so don't complain about the results, you little brats. Over 100 votes were cast and I have spent the last 2 hours reading over them and counting up the scores. With that out of the way, it time to see who took top honors.
*Funniest TV Show
With %63 of the votes, Reno911 took the prize for the TV show that comes closest to making you wet yourself. Coming in second was HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with %24 of the vote. The rest went to "America's Funniest Foreigners""a show that does not exist. Sadly, my personal favorite, BBC's "The Office" received no votes. What's wrong with you people? Don't you have any class"these people are British. Obviously, if they think it's funny, so should you"they're smarter than we are???
*Funniest Cartoon
"South Park" wins this category with %41 of your votes, and rightly so. "The Simpsons" which has been declining in popularity in recent years came in second, narrowly defeating "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." Strangely, "ATHF" was not even on the list and received more write in votes than the other two shows offered. I guess you guys really like that show"maybe I should watch it some time.
NOTE: "The Family Guy" was not included in this category because it would blow the other shows out of the water.
*Funniest Movie
And the winner is""OLD SCHOOL!!!" An overwhelming majority of you (%83) voted for this sophomoric comedy. And don't think that's an insult, I love this movie. Who cares about the votes for the rest of the movies but I will say that one of you wrote to tell me that including "Super Troopers" in the nominees makes me, "a total faggot who doesn't know shit about funny movies."
*Biggest Reality TV Show Slut
While Heidi from "Survivor" (%22) and Jack from "The Osbournes" (%13) finished strong, Trishelle from "The Real World Las Vegas" won the coveted title of biggest reality TV show slut. The best part; it's the "real" world, so she's definitely a slut in real life too!
*Worst TV Show
This is amazing. I really could not believe how many votes were cast for the winner. Again, you have blindly trusted me and been made fools of. A whopping %92 of you voted "Jedi Time on Blinton Public Access" worst TV show. And, as with "America's Funniest Foreigners," this show does not exist. I don't know if there is a Blinton, Oregon nor do I know if there is a show about "Stars Wars" on there. But I must say that if this show were real, it would definitely be a huge pile of shit. So I guess you were right all along"
*Most Annoying Song You Used To Like
Thank God most of you agree with me when I say that Usher's "Yeah" (%53) has overstayed it's welcome. Now that everyone in the world can do an almost perfect Little John "YEEEAAAHHHHHH" the song has lost most of its charm. I was surprised that %14 of you voted for "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls because by casting that vote, you're admitting to have liked that song at one point and that is just plain embarrassing.
*Best Song You Love To Hate/Hate To Love
You think you got it, ooooh you think you got it but got doesn't get it when there's nothing at almost all of you voted for Outkast's "Hey Ya." I know when this song comes on the radio and I'm alone in the car I roll up the windows, make sure no one is looking, and rip out some serious vocals. Don't lie you do the same thing"you probably dance in your seat too.
*Most Annoying Teen Star
Our first tie! %39 of you each voted for Hillary Duff and the Olsen Twins. Honestly, I cannot decide who is more annoying so I am just going to have to disqualify all three contenders and give the award to Aaron Carter who not only is more annoying than anyone, but is also the least talented person on the planet. Congratulations Aaron"You Suck!
*Actress/Songstress That Should Call Me
I guess I should put on the kettle and leave my flat for some biscuits and maybe a half of lager because %86 of you think that Keira Knightley should ring me up. That's fine with me, but I hear she has a boyfriend who is an Irish model. That's no good because not only is he a model, but he's also got that cute little accent. I was hoping that you would all pick Ellen Muth because I think she's single, but the people have spoken. So, Keira, my number is (347) 661-76"do you think I'm that dumb?
*Best C-List Celebrity
This category was the most hard fought of them all. In the end it came down to two people: Mario Lopez of "Saved By The Bell" and Danny "Budnick" Cooksey of "Salute Your Shorts." When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, Mario Lopez came out victorious with %41 of the vote. Congrats, Slater! Now you and Jessie can finally show your almost-forgotten faces at The Max again.
*Best Celebrity That Is Fading Away
I honestly thought that this one would go to Britney or maybe Ashton"but Pharell? That's right, %48 of you thought that, within the year, Pharell and his high pitched voice, will be gone from out ears forever. Thank God Kanye West arrived on the scene to fill that void of overly-hyped and overly-exposed hip-hop producer where Pharell once reigned.
*Dumbest Celebrity
Of course, this one goes to the lovely and retarded Jessica Simpson. Her mom came in a close second with W pulling in third. Have you ever noticed that Jessica's mom and Britney's mom might be the same person? Maybe that would explain why both their daughters are so brilliant.
*Celebrity That Would Most Likely Steal Your Food
I guess you guys weren't buying that a dead comedic actor would come back from beyond the grave to gobble up your last French fry because Chris Farley didn't win this one. And I guess you believe in Michael Moore's strong political rhetoric about not stealing from others as the current administration has. And, I guess you think that even though he has a lot of money and could buy his own food, the obese Ruben Studdard would indeed steal what's left on your plate with %37 of the votes.
*Most Padunkadunk
I should have made clear to all your middle American's that the term padunkadunk is an afro-American slang word for a glorious ass popularized by SNL's Tracy Morgan. This term is meant to be applied to a woman but enough of you understood it to give this award to Michael Moore. Good job Mike, your generous ass beats all the others. Now if you could only find a pair of pants that weren't made out of old sails from clipper ships, you'd be alright.
*Most Into Religion To An Irritating Degree
I came to college in August of 2001. I was so excited to live in NYC and be a part of this thriving city. Two weeks after I arrived a couple of crazy assholes flew some planes into the WTC and that was the end of free-spirited New York and the beginning of riot-cops-on-the-subway New York. So I would agree with all of you that voted Osama Bin Laden the most irritatingly religious person on earth. Sure, Madonna is way to into a religion she knows jack about and Beyonce's constant thanks to the Lord can get tiresome, but at least they didn't kill thousands of people.
*Best Snaggle-Tooth
Jewel wins, surprise surprise.
*Best Recently Deceased Celebrity
Just when I though that this white bred world had no soul, you up and vote Ray Charles as the best newly dead celebrity. Charles sweet, soulful music and comic blind twitching will be greatly missed. Chares deserves this honor because the runner up, Brando, at least could see (even if he was insane).
*Best Mask Worn By A Celebrity
Who wears pink and pisses on underage women? Give up? The winner of this award, R. Kelly! His pink zorro mask was perhaps the best mask we have seen since the Phantom of the Opera"but PINK! Michael Jackson ran a close second but did not win because there are still some people out there who still believe that something on his face could be real.
*Most Likely To Fart And Not Admit It
This award goes to Paris Hilton. It's pretty easy to see how classy this hotel heiress is and I assume that this is why she got a mystifying %93 of the votes. Personally, I think she would admit to it, but then demand that you pay her for the privilege of smelling her exhaust.
And the final award of the night"
*Nerdiest Celebrity Male Who Still Probably Gets Hot Girls
I received a lot of angry emails for naming Tobey Maguire "nerdy." I can only assume these all came from 14 year-old girls because every grown male can see how nerdy Tobey really is. But sadly, Tobey did not win this category. Our good friend and champion nerd who probably lays a different hot girl every night is none other than Elijah Wood. When he hears about this dubious honor, he'll probably break out the juicy juice and peanut butter and celery sticks to celebrate"then he'll go bed some model, the little shit.
Congratulations to all of the winners. Taking home a Streety Award is almost as good as winning $1 off a scratcher, so you all should be quite honored. If you missed the voting this time around, don't worry; The Streetys take place every two months with all new categories. Thank you for your votes and remember to never drive drunk"make a friend do it so they get the ticket. Goodnight!
After tallying all the votes and sealing all the envelopes, the winners of the bi-monthly Streety Awards are ready to be announced. Remember, you voted for the winners so don't complain about the results, you little brats. Over 100 votes were cast and I have spent the last 2 hours reading over them and counting up the scores. With that out of the way, it time to see who took top honors.
*Funniest TV Show
With %63 of the votes, Reno911 took the prize for the TV show that comes closest to making you wet yourself. Coming in second was HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm" with %24 of the vote. The rest went to "America's Funniest Foreigners""a show that does not exist. Sadly, my personal favorite, BBC's "The Office" received no votes. What's wrong with you people? Don't you have any class"these people are British. Obviously, if they think it's funny, so should you"they're smarter than we are???
*Funniest Cartoon
"South Park" wins this category with %41 of your votes, and rightly so. "The Simpsons" which has been declining in popularity in recent years came in second, narrowly defeating "Aqua Teen Hunger Force." Strangely, "ATHF" was not even on the list and received more write in votes than the other two shows offered. I guess you guys really like that show"maybe I should watch it some time.
NOTE: "The Family Guy" was not included in this category because it would blow the other shows out of the water.
*Funniest Movie
And the winner is""OLD SCHOOL!!!" An overwhelming majority of you (%83) voted for this sophomoric comedy. And don't think that's an insult, I love this movie. Who cares about the votes for the rest of the movies but I will say that one of you wrote to tell me that including "Super Troopers" in the nominees makes me, "a total faggot who doesn't know shit about funny movies."
*Biggest Reality TV Show Slut
While Heidi from "Survivor" (%22) and Jack from "The Osbournes" (%13) finished strong, Trishelle from "The Real World Las Vegas" won the coveted title of biggest reality TV show slut. The best part; it's the "real" world, so she's definitely a slut in real life too!
*Worst TV Show
This is amazing. I really could not believe how many votes were cast for the winner. Again, you have blindly trusted me and been made fools of. A whopping %92 of you voted "Jedi Time on Blinton Public Access" worst TV show. And, as with "America's Funniest Foreigners," this show does not exist. I don't know if there is a Blinton, Oregon nor do I know if there is a show about "Stars Wars" on there. But I must say that if this show were real, it would definitely be a huge pile of shit. So I guess you were right all along"
*Most Annoying Song You Used To Like
Thank God most of you agree with me when I say that Usher's "Yeah" (%53) has overstayed it's welcome. Now that everyone in the world can do an almost perfect Little John "YEEEAAAHHHHHH" the song has lost most of its charm. I was surprised that %14 of you voted for "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls because by casting that vote, you're admitting to have liked that song at one point and that is just plain embarrassing.
*Best Song You Love To Hate/Hate To Love
You think you got it, ooooh you think you got it but got doesn't get it when there's nothing at almost all of you voted for Outkast's "Hey Ya." I know when this song comes on the radio and I'm alone in the car I roll up the windows, make sure no one is looking, and rip out some serious vocals. Don't lie you do the same thing"you probably dance in your seat too.
*Most Annoying Teen Star
Our first tie! %39 of you each voted for Hillary Duff and the Olsen Twins. Honestly, I cannot decide who is more annoying so I am just going to have to disqualify all three contenders and give the award to Aaron Carter who not only is more annoying than anyone, but is also the least talented person on the planet. Congratulations Aaron"You Suck!
*Actress/Songstress That Should Call Me
I guess I should put on the kettle and leave my flat for some biscuits and maybe a half of lager because %86 of you think that Keira Knightley should ring me up. That's fine with me, but I hear she has a boyfriend who is an Irish model. That's no good because not only is he a model, but he's also got that cute little accent. I was hoping that you would all pick Ellen Muth because I think she's single, but the people have spoken. So, Keira, my number is (347) 661-76"do you think I'm that dumb?
*Best C-List Celebrity
This category was the most hard fought of them all. In the end it came down to two people: Mario Lopez of "Saved By The Bell" and Danny "Budnick" Cooksey of "Salute Your Shorts." When the smoke cleared and the dust settled, Mario Lopez came out victorious with %41 of the vote. Congrats, Slater! Now you and Jessie can finally show your almost-forgotten faces at The Max again.
*Best Celebrity That Is Fading Away
I honestly thought that this one would go to Britney or maybe Ashton"but Pharell? That's right, %48 of you thought that, within the year, Pharell and his high pitched voice, will be gone from out ears forever. Thank God Kanye West arrived on the scene to fill that void of overly-hyped and overly-exposed hip-hop producer where Pharell once reigned.
*Dumbest Celebrity
Of course, this one goes to the lovely and retarded Jessica Simpson. Her mom came in a close second with W pulling in third. Have you ever noticed that Jessica's mom and Britney's mom might be the same person? Maybe that would explain why both their daughters are so brilliant.
*Celebrity That Would Most Likely Steal Your Food
I guess you guys weren't buying that a dead comedic actor would come back from beyond the grave to gobble up your last French fry because Chris Farley didn't win this one. And I guess you believe in Michael Moore's strong political rhetoric about not stealing from others as the current administration has. And, I guess you think that even though he has a lot of money and could buy his own food, the obese Ruben Studdard would indeed steal what's left on your plate with %37 of the votes.
*Most Padunkadunk
I should have made clear to all your middle American's that the term padunkadunk is an afro-American slang word for a glorious ass popularized by SNL's Tracy Morgan. This term is meant to be applied to a woman but enough of you understood it to give this award to Michael Moore. Good job Mike, your generous ass beats all the others. Now if you could only find a pair of pants that weren't made out of old sails from clipper ships, you'd be alright.
*Most Into Religion To An Irritating Degree
I came to college in August of 2001. I was so excited to live in NYC and be a part of this thriving city. Two weeks after I arrived a couple of crazy assholes flew some planes into the WTC and that was the end of free-spirited New York and the beginning of riot-cops-on-the-subway New York. So I would agree with all of you that voted Osama Bin Laden the most irritatingly religious person on earth. Sure, Madonna is way to into a religion she knows jack about and Beyonce's constant thanks to the Lord can get tiresome, but at least they didn't kill thousands of people.
*Best Snaggle-Tooth
Jewel wins, surprise surprise.
*Best Recently Deceased Celebrity
Just when I though that this white bred world had no soul, you up and vote Ray Charles as the best newly dead celebrity. Charles sweet, soulful music and comic blind twitching will be greatly missed. Chares deserves this honor because the runner up, Brando, at least could see (even if he was insane).
*Best Mask Worn By A Celebrity
Who wears pink and pisses on underage women? Give up? The winner of this award, R. Kelly! His pink zorro mask was perhaps the best mask we have seen since the Phantom of the Opera"but PINK! Michael Jackson ran a close second but did not win because there are still some people out there who still believe that something on his face could be real.
*Most Likely To Fart And Not Admit It
This award goes to Paris Hilton. It's pretty easy to see how classy this hotel heiress is and I assume that this is why she got a mystifying %93 of the votes. Personally, I think she would admit to it, but then demand that you pay her for the privilege of smelling her exhaust.
And the final award of the night"
*Nerdiest Celebrity Male Who Still Probably Gets Hot Girls
I received a lot of angry emails for naming Tobey Maguire "nerdy." I can only assume these all came from 14 year-old girls because every grown male can see how nerdy Tobey really is. But sadly, Tobey did not win this category. Our good friend and champion nerd who probably lays a different hot girl every night is none other than Elijah Wood. When he hears about this dubious honor, he'll probably break out the juicy juice and peanut butter and celery sticks to celebrate"then he'll go bed some model, the little shit.
Congratulations to all of the winners. Taking home a Streety Award is almost as good as winning $1 off a scratcher, so you all should be quite honored. If you missed the voting this time around, don't worry; The Streetys take place every two months with all new categories. Thank you for your votes and remember to never drive drunk"make a friend do it so they get the ticket. Goodnight!
An Ode To Connecticut
by Streeter Seidell July 15, 2004
If you look at the hard facts, the hardest of facts, you will see that every single state in America has something to endear it to the ages. It could be a movie (Raising Arizona), an album (Nebraska), even a band (The New York Dolls). Every state has something like this"except Connecticut. Over and over we have been snubbed by the powers that be and forgotten. When people in the far future dig down into the earth to see how this great and prosperous country was once organized they will find a gaping hole between New York, Rhode Island and Massachusetts. But luckily I am here to right this horrible wrong by at least giving a bit of column space to the state that raised me.
To begin with here is a short history of Connecticut. There were a bunch of Indians but the white man killed them all and took their land. Then John Adams rode a horse through the state once and then nothing much happened for the next 200 or so years"or did it?
Connecticut, or The Conn as we natives don't call it, has actually produced so much unwritten history that I feel I must break the tradition and write about it. Connecticut has been home to some of the most illustrious stars and historical figures such as P.T. Barnum who lived in Bridgeport; the worst city on the east coast. And let's not forget about the singer from Weezer"I think he lived in CT at some point as well as did Mark Twain. Dawson of Dawson's Creek fame went to Chesire High which my high school beat in football my freshman year. Apparently he was very unpopular so I guess some things don't change after high school. Ellen Muth, who plays George on "Dead Like Me" and is my current crush, grew up in the Constitution State before coming to her senses and moving away. Oh, and let's not forget one very tricky president who happens to still be president right now. He doesn't talk about it and neither do we, but W is a CT native.
But wait, there's more! Connecticut has broken all kinds of records as well. Currently, UConn holds the title of the only college to have both its men's and women's basketball teams win an NCAA championship in the same year! Connecticut, actually an Indian reservation in CT, is home to the world's largest casino; the famed Foxwoods Resort and Casino which has stolen an estimated $836 dollars from me in the past year. We almost had the first governor impeached but he resigned instead. That's about it for records, but not it for CT.
Every time you sit your fat ass down in McDonalds and bite into a delicious cheeseburger, take a minute to thank Connecticut because we invented it. Don't believe me? Stop by Louis Lunch in New Haven and ask about how they invented the sandwich over 100 years ago when a customer wanted to take his steak sandwich on the road. When your there, look for my name carved into one of the seats, the window, and a table (I like to carve things). You know those helicopter things that sometimes crash? Yep, Connecticut. Not to mention the cotton gin, the nuclear submarine, America's biological warfare arsenal, the CIA, and America's most powerful secret society; Yale's Skull and Bones which both John Kerry and George Bush are members of (and there were some stupid movies about it too; ie. "The Skulls")
"But Streeter, what else makes Connecticut worthy of being remembered?" I'm surprised you have to ask at this point. You know Delaware and Rode Island and what have they done? NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!! But if you still need more convincing, I only have to point to a quiet little hospital in New Haven where on December 2, 1982 a woman named Susan gave birth to a little boy who would come to be known as Streeter Seidell. He would go on to do great things all before his 2nd birthday and then abruptly stop doing anything worthwhile. But without him, you wouldn't know jack about Connecticut and I think you all owe him a debt of gratitude. So next time you sit down with a copy of "Huck Finn" while eating a hot cheeseburger you bought a the Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Baily Circus which you flew to in your helicopter after watching "Dawson's Creek" and losing most of your money at an Indian Casino, think about CT and say thank you. Connecticut, you are now committed to the ages!
To begin with here is a short history of Connecticut. There were a bunch of Indians but the white man killed them all and took their land. Then John Adams rode a horse through the state once and then nothing much happened for the next 200 or so years"or did it?
Connecticut, or The Conn as we natives don't call it, has actually produced so much unwritten history that I feel I must break the tradition and write about it. Connecticut has been home to some of the most illustrious stars and historical figures such as P.T. Barnum who lived in Bridgeport; the worst city on the east coast. And let's not forget about the singer from Weezer"I think he lived in CT at some point as well as did Mark Twain. Dawson of Dawson's Creek fame went to Chesire High which my high school beat in football my freshman year. Apparently he was very unpopular so I guess some things don't change after high school. Ellen Muth, who plays George on "Dead Like Me" and is my current crush, grew up in the Constitution State before coming to her senses and moving away. Oh, and let's not forget one very tricky president who happens to still be president right now. He doesn't talk about it and neither do we, but W is a CT native.
But wait, there's more! Connecticut has broken all kinds of records as well. Currently, UConn holds the title of the only college to have both its men's and women's basketball teams win an NCAA championship in the same year! Connecticut, actually an Indian reservation in CT, is home to the world's largest casino; the famed Foxwoods Resort and Casino which has stolen an estimated $836 dollars from me in the past year. We almost had the first governor impeached but he resigned instead. That's about it for records, but not it for CT.
Every time you sit your fat ass down in McDonalds and bite into a delicious cheeseburger, take a minute to thank Connecticut because we invented it. Don't believe me? Stop by Louis Lunch in New Haven and ask about how they invented the sandwich over 100 years ago when a customer wanted to take his steak sandwich on the road. When your there, look for my name carved into one of the seats, the window, and a table (I like to carve things). You know those helicopter things that sometimes crash? Yep, Connecticut. Not to mention the cotton gin, the nuclear submarine, America's biological warfare arsenal, the CIA, and America's most powerful secret society; Yale's Skull and Bones which both John Kerry and George Bush are members of (and there were some stupid movies about it too; ie. "The Skulls")
"But Streeter, what else makes Connecticut worthy of being remembered?" I'm surprised you have to ask at this point. You know Delaware and Rode Island and what have they done? NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!! But if you still need more convincing, I only have to point to a quiet little hospital in New Haven where on December 2, 1982 a woman named Susan gave birth to a little boy who would come to be known as Streeter Seidell. He would go on to do great things all before his 2nd birthday and then abruptly stop doing anything worthwhile. But without him, you wouldn't know jack about Connecticut and I think you all owe him a debt of gratitude. So next time you sit down with a copy of "Huck Finn" while eating a hot cheeseburger you bought a the Ringling Bros. and Barnum and Baily Circus which you flew to in your helicopter after watching "Dawson's Creek" and losing most of your money at an Indian Casino, think about CT and say thank you. Connecticut, you are now committed to the ages!
People You Hate XV
by Streeter Seidell July 14, 2004
Excuse me, could you spare a moment of your time. Great! I just wanted to tell you about this amazing new emotion that's taking over America. It's called hate and it's really great. Try it yourself for free. All you have to do is read this little article here and you'll get the gist of it. Welcome to the 15th edition of The Famous Hate List.
If you would like everyone to know you're a hate-filled jerk, submit at suxatlife@hotmail.com and become the asshole everyone already knew you were.
MINE: (All of mine will be driving themed today for some reason)
Baby on Board: I wonder if there were some kind of adhesive symbol that would allow me to drive like a total douchebag"Oh my God, I think I figured it out"I'll just stick a baby on board sticker in the back window! By simply applying this little sticker these people feel that they can drive however they see fit: cutting you off, taking turns without signaling, and braking for no reason. But you're not going to beep at them or hit them, are you? No, you're not because they have an infant riding in the backseat and no matter how badly they may be driving you will go to jail because you endangered that helpless baby. Hell, I might just get one for my car so I can run red lights and stop in the middle of intersections. When the cops finally get me I'll just say, "Hey! You guys need to turn those sirens off, you're going to wake my baby. Didn't you see the sticker?""I Hate You!
Tough Love: Placing a bumper sticker on your car that reads "Proud parent of an honor roll student" is stupid but forgivable. At least these kids have accomplished something; even if it's only making marginally decent grades at a third rate public school. But this is not about those people"this is about the morons that put on bumper stickers that read, "My kid beat up your honor student." Wow, what an accomplishment. You must be so proud of your kid, Cletus. Since when is having a stupid bully for a kid an accomplishment? Great job on that one, looks like all that Jack Daniels your wife drank when she was pregnant finally paid off! Plus, I refuse to believe that anyone sporting this sticker on their car has it there for irony since anyone who would affix such a stupid bumper sticker clearly does not comprehend irony in the slightest bit. You and your son can have a great time when you get to visit him every other month in prison, you dirtbag"I Hate You!
Singing Sarah: I do not have a good singing voice. But when I ride in my car I transform into a melodic genius, thrilling myself with my ability to hit the upper registers and effortlessly glide through all but the fastest of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez's raps. However, I do not share this with the world. When I perform these great vocal feats, I roll my windows up and make sure no one can see my mouth. But not Singing Sarah. She keeps all the windows down while she belts out the latest Hillary Duff single at a stop light, This tone deaf diva forces everyone else sitting at the light to suffer through her unique version of "Heaven is a Place on Earth." She will always sing louder than her stereo and will always be oblivious to the fact that 30 people are watching her. To sass it up a bit, she might even tap (off beat) on her steering wheel or do that little driving dance where you sway back and forth and look like one of those clown punching bags that refuse to stay down. Just SHUT UP and keep your shitty singing to yourself because I can guarantee that you're the only one who enjoys it, you dumb bitch" I Hate You!
YOURS: (Only some driving themed)
Reader Andrea the Alaskan really hates: those people who don't seem to know how to read a fucking map! No Alaska is not an island! We are not right next to Hawaii off of the coast of California. I have never kicked a penguin, why you may ask? BECAUSE THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING WORLD! "haha do you guys live in igloo's!?" ...yes you moronic fuck..and my igloo has internet access...How fucking stupid can people be? That just proves that people seriously need to put down the beer bong and pick up a book or an atlas. I have never ridden a polar bear. Nor will I ever come within a 300 foot radius of one, I'm not a dumb fuck like the rest of the population that WOULD pet a fucking bear"what's wrong with you? Are you permanently fried? Did someone drop you on your head? Use some fucking common sense you fuck...You may laugh at me when I get pissed off when you call it a "snow mobile" (ITS A GODDAMNED BLOODY SNOWMACHINE) but Ill laugh at your broke-ass when your needing money, because my state pays for me to live here...(Its called a PFD) so while your taking up my time with your breath...I get paid to breathe...so the next time you think its funny to ask if I eat a klondike bar or why I'm not wearing a parka just because I'm from Alaska Ill laugh as I wave my check for 2,000 I got for abso-fucking-lutely nothing! I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU!
Reader Traci really hates: The "I am poor therefore more legit" girl. She's always there, work, school, parties...everywhere, it's fucking ridiculous. When it is 10:00 at night and i am cleaning up after menopausal women at a retail store where I work solely to appease my parents I want to leave just as badly as you, but when you come to me half crying and say "I really really have to go because I share a car with my parents who are out job-searching at Target and my crack addict brother and my 8 cousins and my pregnant fucking dog and I need to go to my second job wiping rich people's asses" I have no sympathy for you, I want to leave work too you moron douchebag, and frankly, my well-endowed excuses are just as fucking legit as yours, don't patronize me because I have an SUV and am late to a party at my friend's private beach and I need to pick up some beluga caviar and Gray Goose before I go there. Fuck you and quit whining because you got the shit end of life being born into a blue collar family, in fact, I will pay you to do so! Now go pick up a hearty value meal at Taco Bell and take a note from the "help" (...your mom), I HATE YOU
Reader Jason B. really hates: The inept shotgun-caller: this is the guy that always calls shotgun and his success in doing so seems to have gone to his head for some reason. He starts calling shotgun before everyone even sets foot in the parking lot, and by mid-semester appears to feel entitled to this seemingly coveted passenger seat. But what makes him a total fucktard is in not knowing directions at all. When you're asking the guy riding bitch how to read the fucking map you're just a complete waste of space and is all the more reason why I hate you!
Reader Isaac B. really hates: The "Music Expert". Everybody has different tastes in music. And when I turn on the stereo in my car, I don't care to hear how you think this band sold out. Sold out to what? They do this for money. It's a living. Why the hell wouldn't they take the bigger paycheck? And I'm sure they really care how angry you are that they no longer write their hit songs on the back of a pizza box. And another thing; Since when did you become the expert on good music. Music is about tastes. I like one thing, you like another. You don't need to talk shit. Certain people identify with certain things. The CD in my stereo doesn't suck, you suck. I like them. I don't care if anybody else likes them. And I sure as hell don't care if you like them. I hate you!
Reader Mario R. really hates: The freshman roommate: This guy was a waste of human life. He never goes to class, asks me to takes his notes while he sleeps. This is the fucker that smokes weed and drinks all day instead of human interaction. This is that asshole that masturbates on my futon when he thinks I'm asleep. Why are you even in college when you'll end up flunking out and get some piece of trailer trash pregnant? I fucking hate you! (NOTE: Apparently, this person's name is Robert)
Mario also hates: The Roommate's Girlfriend: This is the bitch who makes it her priority to make your room hell. She's always there when her useless boyfriend isn't eating your food, watching your TV, and is in dire need of a Summer's Eve douche. No, bitch, you can't stay in Robert's bed while he's gone. OH, did I wake you up with my music? Get the fuck out of my room, you useless sack of STDs! I Hate You! (NOTE: This is probably about Robert's girlfriend whom I will name Martha)
Reader Keenan W. (Not from Keenan and Kel) really hates: The overpaid athlete: Yes, you entertain us. Yes, you have a very physically-taxing job, but you make a SHITLOAD of money in return for that. Anybody remember Patrick Ewing's immortal words during the NBA lockout? To paraphrase him (and enrage you all): "What you people don't understand is that, while we make a lot of money, we SPEND a lot of money, too." Listen up you little motherfucker: people work a shitload harder than you to support their whiny-needy children, and barely make ends meet. Hop on Shaq's dubbed-up golf cart worth more than my life, and both of you can ride straight up my poor ass... I hate you!
A Reader known only as Flyboy Steve really hates: I hate: The 101 Know-It-All
This cockmonger is the guy in an entry level class that feels that it's his job to raise his hand dutifully after every statement the professor makes. It's great to participate in class and all, but shooting off your mouth at every rhetorical question the teacher asks is just begging for a sound ass-kicking. This guy is usually a Hollister-wearing yuppie with a courier bag and Buddy Holly glasses and thinks that just because his parents could afford to send him to prep school he automatically knows more than everyone else in class. No, dong face, it's just that you're the only one that thinks that sucking up will make you any less of a tool. Nobody's impressed that you know what the Battle of Bunker Hill was when you're sitting in a basic American history class. As long as you had a pulse in high school you've learned this stuff. So keep on leaning back in your chair, raising a few fingers thoughtfully, and answering basic common knowledge questions like a fucking sage; I'll be sure to listen in awe while you explain to the class exactly who Lincoln was, you condescending, self-righteous prick...everybody knows, we're just not pompous, kiss ass nancy-boys like yourself. Quit sponging off your parents and get a job like everyone else! I Hate You! (NOTE: Animosity)
Reader Joe N. really hates: the "public service announcement girl." She's the one who always seems to walk buy while I'm outside having a smoke and never fails to tell me that it's bad for me. Thank you. I can't read the surgeon general warning that takes up half the space on every fucking pack I buy. I barely even know you, why are you so concerned about my health. She also always tells me that she could never be attracted to a guy who smoked. Good, you fucking prissy, shit eating, ugly horse cunt. I don't want someone like you to be attracted to me anyway. If you really hate smoking so much, just stay the fuck away from me, you little dyke. I get enough of the "quit smoking" lectures from my mom. When I'm at college I don't need some troll whose friend was in my Spanish class taking her place. I hope you get cancer from my second-hand smoke and die because.... I HATE YOU!
Reader Chris T. really hates: Money Grubbing Gary: The guy at the office or the friend who is always "a little short on cash". He'll send you an email asking if you can lend him some money "just 'til next pay day". Umm"we just got paid yesterday pal. He's also adept at saving money at everyone else's expense: "Oh shit.. I left my wallet in the car.. Can you spot me? I'll get you back next time". But God forbid you ever ask if you can borrow money him... or worse... Ask him for the money he owes you. He'll turn it around on your sorry ass so fast by the time he's done giving you the once-over, he'll have borrowed your last 20 dollars and made you pay for the pizza he just had delivered. Listen up you shameless sperm gurgling douchebag, get your money situation sorted out. Get a job, budget, stop buying crack, sell your ass on the street for some extra pocket money... do whatever you need to do, but leave me the fuck alone... I HATE YOU!
Finally, Reader Mike from a school in the city where I was born (New Haven) really hates: The text messenger: This fucking bitch has to sit through an entire class and text message one of her lame friends. What's the fucking point? Your shallow fucking life can't wait an extra hour and twenty minutes when you can actually call the person and talk like a normal human being? Instead, lets spend ten minutes typing in one response, probably something along the lines of "da par t wuz awsum" or "C U lata...blah blah I'm a fucking whore" why even go to class if your gonna (poorly) hide your cell phone under the desk and not listen to the professor? I hope you fall into a volcano you fucking bitch. Oh, I think your getting a text message, it says I H8 U.
That wuz sum gr8 h8. If U wanna send sum H8 2 me, email suxatlife@hotmail.com and check back next week. Have a Gr8 day!
If you would like everyone to know you're a hate-filled jerk, submit at suxatlife@hotmail.com and become the asshole everyone already knew you were.
MINE: (All of mine will be driving themed today for some reason)
Baby on Board: I wonder if there were some kind of adhesive symbol that would allow me to drive like a total douchebag"Oh my God, I think I figured it out"I'll just stick a baby on board sticker in the back window! By simply applying this little sticker these people feel that they can drive however they see fit: cutting you off, taking turns without signaling, and braking for no reason. But you're not going to beep at them or hit them, are you? No, you're not because they have an infant riding in the backseat and no matter how badly they may be driving you will go to jail because you endangered that helpless baby. Hell, I might just get one for my car so I can run red lights and stop in the middle of intersections. When the cops finally get me I'll just say, "Hey! You guys need to turn those sirens off, you're going to wake my baby. Didn't you see the sticker?""I Hate You!
Tough Love: Placing a bumper sticker on your car that reads "Proud parent of an honor roll student" is stupid but forgivable. At least these kids have accomplished something; even if it's only making marginally decent grades at a third rate public school. But this is not about those people"this is about the morons that put on bumper stickers that read, "My kid beat up your honor student." Wow, what an accomplishment. You must be so proud of your kid, Cletus. Since when is having a stupid bully for a kid an accomplishment? Great job on that one, looks like all that Jack Daniels your wife drank when she was pregnant finally paid off! Plus, I refuse to believe that anyone sporting this sticker on their car has it there for irony since anyone who would affix such a stupid bumper sticker clearly does not comprehend irony in the slightest bit. You and your son can have a great time when you get to visit him every other month in prison, you dirtbag"I Hate You!
Singing Sarah: I do not have a good singing voice. But when I ride in my car I transform into a melodic genius, thrilling myself with my ability to hit the upper registers and effortlessly glide through all but the fastest of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez's raps. However, I do not share this with the world. When I perform these great vocal feats, I roll my windows up and make sure no one can see my mouth. But not Singing Sarah. She keeps all the windows down while she belts out the latest Hillary Duff single at a stop light, This tone deaf diva forces everyone else sitting at the light to suffer through her unique version of "Heaven is a Place on Earth." She will always sing louder than her stereo and will always be oblivious to the fact that 30 people are watching her. To sass it up a bit, she might even tap (off beat) on her steering wheel or do that little driving dance where you sway back and forth and look like one of those clown punching bags that refuse to stay down. Just SHUT UP and keep your shitty singing to yourself because I can guarantee that you're the only one who enjoys it, you dumb bitch" I Hate You!
YOURS: (Only some driving themed)
Reader Andrea the Alaskan really hates: those people who don't seem to know how to read a fucking map! No Alaska is not an island! We are not right next to Hawaii off of the coast of California. I have never kicked a penguin, why you may ask? BECAUSE THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FUCKING WORLD! "haha do you guys live in igloo's!?" ...yes you moronic fuck..and my igloo has internet access...How fucking stupid can people be? That just proves that people seriously need to put down the beer bong and pick up a book or an atlas. I have never ridden a polar bear. Nor will I ever come within a 300 foot radius of one, I'm not a dumb fuck like the rest of the population that WOULD pet a fucking bear"what's wrong with you? Are you permanently fried? Did someone drop you on your head? Use some fucking common sense you fuck...You may laugh at me when I get pissed off when you call it a "snow mobile" (ITS A GODDAMNED BLOODY SNOWMACHINE) but Ill laugh at your broke-ass when your needing money, because my state pays for me to live here...(Its called a PFD) so while your taking up my time with your breath...I get paid to breathe...so the next time you think its funny to ask if I eat a klondike bar or why I'm not wearing a parka just because I'm from Alaska Ill laugh as I wave my check for 2,000 I got for abso-fucking-lutely nothing! I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU!
Reader Traci really hates: The "I am poor therefore more legit" girl. She's always there, work, school, parties...everywhere, it's fucking ridiculous. When it is 10:00 at night and i am cleaning up after menopausal women at a retail store where I work solely to appease my parents I want to leave just as badly as you, but when you come to me half crying and say "I really really have to go because I share a car with my parents who are out job-searching at Target and my crack addict brother and my 8 cousins and my pregnant fucking dog and I need to go to my second job wiping rich people's asses" I have no sympathy for you, I want to leave work too you moron douchebag, and frankly, my well-endowed excuses are just as fucking legit as yours, don't patronize me because I have an SUV and am late to a party at my friend's private beach and I need to pick up some beluga caviar and Gray Goose before I go there. Fuck you and quit whining because you got the shit end of life being born into a blue collar family, in fact, I will pay you to do so! Now go pick up a hearty value meal at Taco Bell and take a note from the "help" (...your mom), I HATE YOU
Reader Jason B. really hates: The inept shotgun-caller: this is the guy that always calls shotgun and his success in doing so seems to have gone to his head for some reason. He starts calling shotgun before everyone even sets foot in the parking lot, and by mid-semester appears to feel entitled to this seemingly coveted passenger seat. But what makes him a total fucktard is in not knowing directions at all. When you're asking the guy riding bitch how to read the fucking map you're just a complete waste of space and is all the more reason why I hate you!
Reader Isaac B. really hates: The "Music Expert". Everybody has different tastes in music. And when I turn on the stereo in my car, I don't care to hear how you think this band sold out. Sold out to what? They do this for money. It's a living. Why the hell wouldn't they take the bigger paycheck? And I'm sure they really care how angry you are that they no longer write their hit songs on the back of a pizza box. And another thing; Since when did you become the expert on good music. Music is about tastes. I like one thing, you like another. You don't need to talk shit. Certain people identify with certain things. The CD in my stereo doesn't suck, you suck. I like them. I don't care if anybody else likes them. And I sure as hell don't care if you like them. I hate you!
Reader Mario R. really hates: The freshman roommate: This guy was a waste of human life. He never goes to class, asks me to takes his notes while he sleeps. This is the fucker that smokes weed and drinks all day instead of human interaction. This is that asshole that masturbates on my futon when he thinks I'm asleep. Why are you even in college when you'll end up flunking out and get some piece of trailer trash pregnant? I fucking hate you! (NOTE: Apparently, this person's name is Robert)
Mario also hates: The Roommate's Girlfriend: This is the bitch who makes it her priority to make your room hell. She's always there when her useless boyfriend isn't eating your food, watching your TV, and is in dire need of a Summer's Eve douche. No, bitch, you can't stay in Robert's bed while he's gone. OH, did I wake you up with my music? Get the fuck out of my room, you useless sack of STDs! I Hate You! (NOTE: This is probably about Robert's girlfriend whom I will name Martha)
Reader Keenan W. (Not from Keenan and Kel) really hates: The overpaid athlete: Yes, you entertain us. Yes, you have a very physically-taxing job, but you make a SHITLOAD of money in return for that. Anybody remember Patrick Ewing's immortal words during the NBA lockout? To paraphrase him (and enrage you all): "What you people don't understand is that, while we make a lot of money, we SPEND a lot of money, too." Listen up you little motherfucker: people work a shitload harder than you to support their whiny-needy children, and barely make ends meet. Hop on Shaq's dubbed-up golf cart worth more than my life, and both of you can ride straight up my poor ass... I hate you!
A Reader known only as Flyboy Steve really hates: I hate: The 101 Know-It-All
This cockmonger is the guy in an entry level class that feels that it's his job to raise his hand dutifully after every statement the professor makes. It's great to participate in class and all, but shooting off your mouth at every rhetorical question the teacher asks is just begging for a sound ass-kicking. This guy is usually a Hollister-wearing yuppie with a courier bag and Buddy Holly glasses and thinks that just because his parents could afford to send him to prep school he automatically knows more than everyone else in class. No, dong face, it's just that you're the only one that thinks that sucking up will make you any less of a tool. Nobody's impressed that you know what the Battle of Bunker Hill was when you're sitting in a basic American history class. As long as you had a pulse in high school you've learned this stuff. So keep on leaning back in your chair, raising a few fingers thoughtfully, and answering basic common knowledge questions like a fucking sage; I'll be sure to listen in awe while you explain to the class exactly who Lincoln was, you condescending, self-righteous prick...everybody knows, we're just not pompous, kiss ass nancy-boys like yourself. Quit sponging off your parents and get a job like everyone else! I Hate You! (NOTE: Animosity)
Reader Joe N. really hates: the "public service announcement girl." She's the one who always seems to walk buy while I'm outside having a smoke and never fails to tell me that it's bad for me. Thank you. I can't read the surgeon general warning that takes up half the space on every fucking pack I buy. I barely even know you, why are you so concerned about my health. She also always tells me that she could never be attracted to a guy who smoked. Good, you fucking prissy, shit eating, ugly horse cunt. I don't want someone like you to be attracted to me anyway. If you really hate smoking so much, just stay the fuck away from me, you little dyke. I get enough of the "quit smoking" lectures from my mom. When I'm at college I don't need some troll whose friend was in my Spanish class taking her place. I hope you get cancer from my second-hand smoke and die because.... I HATE YOU!
Reader Chris T. really hates: Money Grubbing Gary: The guy at the office or the friend who is always "a little short on cash". He'll send you an email asking if you can lend him some money "just 'til next pay day". Umm"we just got paid yesterday pal. He's also adept at saving money at everyone else's expense: "Oh shit.. I left my wallet in the car.. Can you spot me? I'll get you back next time". But God forbid you ever ask if you can borrow money him... or worse... Ask him for the money he owes you. He'll turn it around on your sorry ass so fast by the time he's done giving you the once-over, he'll have borrowed your last 20 dollars and made you pay for the pizza he just had delivered. Listen up you shameless sperm gurgling douchebag, get your money situation sorted out. Get a job, budget, stop buying crack, sell your ass on the street for some extra pocket money... do whatever you need to do, but leave me the fuck alone... I HATE YOU!
Finally, Reader Mike from a school in the city where I was born (New Haven) really hates: The text messenger: This fucking bitch has to sit through an entire class and text message one of her lame friends. What's the fucking point? Your shallow fucking life can't wait an extra hour and twenty minutes when you can actually call the person and talk like a normal human being? Instead, lets spend ten minutes typing in one response, probably something along the lines of "da par t wuz awsum" or "C U lata...blah blah I'm a fucking whore" why even go to class if your gonna (poorly) hide your cell phone under the desk and not listen to the professor? I hope you fall into a volcano you fucking bitch. Oh, I think your getting a text message, it says I H8 U.
That wuz sum gr8 h8. If U wanna send sum H8 2 me, email suxatlife@hotmail.com and check back next week. Have a Gr8 day!
True Crime
by Streeter Seidell July 13, 2004
When you live in the Bronx, you learn a lot about crime. A few weeks ago I walked down my block to go move my car. I had parked in a spot at the end of the block sandwiched between a construction site and an abandoned car dealership. All I wanted to do was move my car from one side of the street to the other as New York City parking laws state you must do. When I found my car, I was surprised to see what a mess I had left it in. The glove box was open and I must have smashed my own window".wait a minute"I didn't do any of that"I was robbed!
I stood there cursing the thief for the 2 hours as I waited for the cops to arrive. I thought, "What an asshole. How could someone do something like this to me! I work with underprivileged kids!" But then I had an epiphany. As the police took my statement I realized that this was not the first time I stood before a police car and pleaded my case. It had been going on for a long time.
1984- I started off on my criminal career early in life. When I was about 2 years old I began to engage in minor acts of vandalism. One foggy night I took a crayon in my small hand and crept over to our white walls. In less than 10 minutes I had produced what my mother still calls, "a perfect train"with a smoke stack and everything!" I didn't get in a lot of trouble but I knew I should cool it for a while and get my name off the street. Hell, when your name is Street, you've got enough working against you already.
1989- I was done with the petty stuff. No more drawing on walls for me; I had grown into a smart, hardened criminal. Oh, I had also grown taller and stronger than most of the kids in my grade at this point as well. Like any criminal genius does, I took stock of my assets to see how I could use my gargantuan build for my financial benefit. I could have been a bully but that was for back alley thugs, I was high class. Instead I started a protection agency and I had one very satisfied customer. The arrangement worked as such; He (the nerd) would pay me (the muscle) $5 a week to ensure his safe passage when about the school grounds. I was to provide protection on and around the swing-set as well as the cafeteria and during all school sponsored events such as field day and class trip to town hall. In return, he would pay me my sum, but if he missed a payment I was allowed to beat him till I was satisfied. This system was in place until he became goth sometime in middle school and scared everyone.
1993- Extortion and protection are great ways to make a little scratch but the problem is I had no way to spend it without incurring an investigation by my parents. For this, I needed a bigger plan. My friends Trent and Chris were to be my accomplices in a series of robberies which would strike fear into the retailers of Madison, Connecticut. Slowly we would make our way from shop to shop and steal whatever we could. I myself was partial to lifting candy and toy cars. Trent's specialty was novelty goods suck as rubber checks "that really bounce!" Chris, well Chris was like the Don Corleone of the crew; overseeing all of the crimes but keeping his rap sheet clean (which was a good thing because in years to come, that rap sheet would unjustly get longer and longer). Once the daily spree was over we retired to the woods behind the supermarket where we would stash our goods. I imagine if you went back there today you would find about 30 Lbs of rotten candy, twenty five plastic army men, and a whole bunch of other shit nobody really wanted. That was the problem with this racket; we never stole anything we wanted, we stole what we could. (Although I think Trent stole a pair of Rollerblades once).
1995- I am no idiot. I saw that working with partners reduced my individual gain. I knew I had to strike out on my own so I left my old crew behind and ventured into the fast paced and glamorous world of baseball card theft. I started small at first; a pack of Topps here, an all-star card there. But I was never satisfied. Soon I was stealing packs at a time whenever I would visit the card shop in my town. I turned around and sold the hot cards to kids at school for profits that sometimes reached over $5. I was living the life, but it had to end at some point. One day I stole a bunch of cards from the shop and walked across town to the supermarket where I was supposed to meet my Mom and sister. I decided I had better open them up inside the supermarket so my Mom doesn't wonder how I could afford 20 packs of cards. I walked up and down the aisles, ripping the foil from the stolen treasure and, at the pre-appointed time, I left to meet my getaway driver in the parking lot. As I walked through the doors and into the lot I heard a voice calling after me, "Little boy"little boy, come back here right now!" I froze. And before I knew it I was being dragged back into the store by a large, angry woman while my mother stared in disbelief. Petrified, I confessed to stealing the cards and they took my picture, confiscated the cards and let me go home with my crying Mom. It's too bad I didn't realize that the supermarket didn't even sell the cards I had in my pocket and all I had to say to beat the charges was "I bought these at the baseball card store. All I was doing was opening them in here." My Dad finally figured out what really happened and I got sent away for a long time.
1996- When I was paroled from my grounding, I knew I needed to either get out of the game completely or up the ante. I choose the latter. But first I needed fire power. Luckily, I had a Dad who grew up in the 50s when a BB Gun was an essential gift for an adolescent boy. So, with devious eyes I stared at my birthday present; a Crossfire, pump action BB and Pellet gun. My sister began to cry"I should have known this would lead to trouble. But it would also be my finest hour of criminal cunning; my last great criminal enterprise.
Matt and Steve stood by the old maple tree in my back yard with the gun pointed at the road. I walked across the lawn and asked what they were doing with my firearm. "Shooting at cars, retard." Oh. They couldn't hit shit from there so I suggested we climb up into my tree-fort and try for the kill from higher ground. A blue Suburban rolled down the road and Steve put the gun to his shoulder and the scope to his eye. Click"BAMMMM!...SCREEEEECH! Steve hit the car right in the back window, exploding a huge hole in it. We ran for our lives. I stashed the gun inside the house and climbed up to my room to get a better vantage point of the crime scene. Police cars showed up and, as I watched from my window, I saw Steve and Matt try to make their getaway. The cops grabbed them and came searching for me. I was a goner.
But I was also a smart little kid and I devised a plan. With tears welled up in my eyes I told the cop that we were shooting at a soccer ball by a stone wall. Steve had taken his glasses off to use the gun and the BB must have ricocheted off the stone and hit the car. The cop stared down at me"and bought the lie hook, line, and sinker. We were free men, well boys actually, but we were free nonetheless.
I had to hang it up after that. Things were getting too big and the old gang was getting out of control. A bunch of my friends went down on an internet credit card scam that the FBI had been tracking. When the FBI is confiscating your friend's computers, you should be a little wary of the activities you participate in. Those were crazy times, man, but we did what we did to survive. I guess the petty criminal is still alive inside me but I can't let him come out anymore"the supermarket already has me on file.
NOTE: Stories left out include: Bronx Zoo gift shop heist, Skateboard wars, religion class brawl, CVS Pharmacy cigarette stealing, and more!
I stood there cursing the thief for the 2 hours as I waited for the cops to arrive. I thought, "What an asshole. How could someone do something like this to me! I work with underprivileged kids!" But then I had an epiphany. As the police took my statement I realized that this was not the first time I stood before a police car and pleaded my case. It had been going on for a long time.
1984- I started off on my criminal career early in life. When I was about 2 years old I began to engage in minor acts of vandalism. One foggy night I took a crayon in my small hand and crept over to our white walls. In less than 10 minutes I had produced what my mother still calls, "a perfect train"with a smoke stack and everything!" I didn't get in a lot of trouble but I knew I should cool it for a while and get my name off the street. Hell, when your name is Street, you've got enough working against you already.
1989- I was done with the petty stuff. No more drawing on walls for me; I had grown into a smart, hardened criminal. Oh, I had also grown taller and stronger than most of the kids in my grade at this point as well. Like any criminal genius does, I took stock of my assets to see how I could use my gargantuan build for my financial benefit. I could have been a bully but that was for back alley thugs, I was high class. Instead I started a protection agency and I had one very satisfied customer. The arrangement worked as such; He (the nerd) would pay me (the muscle) $5 a week to ensure his safe passage when about the school grounds. I was to provide protection on and around the swing-set as well as the cafeteria and during all school sponsored events such as field day and class trip to town hall. In return, he would pay me my sum, but if he missed a payment I was allowed to beat him till I was satisfied. This system was in place until he became goth sometime in middle school and scared everyone.
1993- Extortion and protection are great ways to make a little scratch but the problem is I had no way to spend it without incurring an investigation by my parents. For this, I needed a bigger plan. My friends Trent and Chris were to be my accomplices in a series of robberies which would strike fear into the retailers of Madison, Connecticut. Slowly we would make our way from shop to shop and steal whatever we could. I myself was partial to lifting candy and toy cars. Trent's specialty was novelty goods suck as rubber checks "that really bounce!" Chris, well Chris was like the Don Corleone of the crew; overseeing all of the crimes but keeping his rap sheet clean (which was a good thing because in years to come, that rap sheet would unjustly get longer and longer). Once the daily spree was over we retired to the woods behind the supermarket where we would stash our goods. I imagine if you went back there today you would find about 30 Lbs of rotten candy, twenty five plastic army men, and a whole bunch of other shit nobody really wanted. That was the problem with this racket; we never stole anything we wanted, we stole what we could. (Although I think Trent stole a pair of Rollerblades once).
1995- I am no idiot. I saw that working with partners reduced my individual gain. I knew I had to strike out on my own so I left my old crew behind and ventured into the fast paced and glamorous world of baseball card theft. I started small at first; a pack of Topps here, an all-star card there. But I was never satisfied. Soon I was stealing packs at a time whenever I would visit the card shop in my town. I turned around and sold the hot cards to kids at school for profits that sometimes reached over $5. I was living the life, but it had to end at some point. One day I stole a bunch of cards from the shop and walked across town to the supermarket where I was supposed to meet my Mom and sister. I decided I had better open them up inside the supermarket so my Mom doesn't wonder how I could afford 20 packs of cards. I walked up and down the aisles, ripping the foil from the stolen treasure and, at the pre-appointed time, I left to meet my getaway driver in the parking lot. As I walked through the doors and into the lot I heard a voice calling after me, "Little boy"little boy, come back here right now!" I froze. And before I knew it I was being dragged back into the store by a large, angry woman while my mother stared in disbelief. Petrified, I confessed to stealing the cards and they took my picture, confiscated the cards and let me go home with my crying Mom. It's too bad I didn't realize that the supermarket didn't even sell the cards I had in my pocket and all I had to say to beat the charges was "I bought these at the baseball card store. All I was doing was opening them in here." My Dad finally figured out what really happened and I got sent away for a long time.
1996- When I was paroled from my grounding, I knew I needed to either get out of the game completely or up the ante. I choose the latter. But first I needed fire power. Luckily, I had a Dad who grew up in the 50s when a BB Gun was an essential gift for an adolescent boy. So, with devious eyes I stared at my birthday present; a Crossfire, pump action BB and Pellet gun. My sister began to cry"I should have known this would lead to trouble. But it would also be my finest hour of criminal cunning; my last great criminal enterprise.
Matt and Steve stood by the old maple tree in my back yard with the gun pointed at the road. I walked across the lawn and asked what they were doing with my firearm. "Shooting at cars, retard." Oh. They couldn't hit shit from there so I suggested we climb up into my tree-fort and try for the kill from higher ground. A blue Suburban rolled down the road and Steve put the gun to his shoulder and the scope to his eye. Click"BAMMMM!...SCREEEEECH! Steve hit the car right in the back window, exploding a huge hole in it. We ran for our lives. I stashed the gun inside the house and climbed up to my room to get a better vantage point of the crime scene. Police cars showed up and, as I watched from my window, I saw Steve and Matt try to make their getaway. The cops grabbed them and came searching for me. I was a goner.
But I was also a smart little kid and I devised a plan. With tears welled up in my eyes I told the cop that we were shooting at a soccer ball by a stone wall. Steve had taken his glasses off to use the gun and the BB must have ricocheted off the stone and hit the car. The cop stared down at me"and bought the lie hook, line, and sinker. We were free men, well boys actually, but we were free nonetheless.
I had to hang it up after that. Things were getting too big and the old gang was getting out of control. A bunch of my friends went down on an internet credit card scam that the FBI had been tracking. When the FBI is confiscating your friend's computers, you should be a little wary of the activities you participate in. Those were crazy times, man, but we did what we did to survive. I guess the petty criminal is still alive inside me but I can't let him come out anymore"the supermarket already has me on file.
NOTE: Stories left out include: Bronx Zoo gift shop heist, Skateboard wars, religion class brawl, CVS Pharmacy cigarette stealing, and more!
A Letter From Camp
by Streeter Seidell July 11, 2004
Dear Grandma,
How are you? I hope you don't still miss grandpa; he's in a better place now. He just needs to start over in Florida and you need to give him his freedom. Anyways, don't worry about the divorce; we all support you and we're prepared to back that up in court.
On a brighter note, things here at Camp Wanapasakee are really good. I wish you could see this place, it's amazing. There is this huge lake that is fed by all the waste pipes from the city. I know, I know; it sounds disgusting. But my counselor told me that the water is filtered and that it's good for the planet because we're not wasting water"we're recycling it.
Speaking of my counselor, he's the best. His name is Randy, but all the other counselors call him Bong. I don't really get his nickname but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that he plays the bongo drums. He's really into this band called Fish and he said he used to follow them all over the country and experiment with stuff. He wouldn't tell us what he was experimenting with but I bet it has something to do with plants because he is growing a bunch of them in his trunk. I don't know why he keeps the plants in his trunk but they really smell"maybe that's why. Sometimes the whole tent smells like it when we come back from lunch. I always know he's working hard because he falls asleep ALL THE TIME!
My tent-mates are really cool guys. They all know each other from school so I'm kind of the outsider. Sometimes I hear them doing things at night when they think I'm asleep. It sounds like they're trying to lift heavy things because they grunt a lot and then they talk about how sweaty they are and how "hard?" they are. I don't know? It's probably something from their school. They all have a lisp and that must be because they all come from New Hampshire. I guess people up there just talk like that???
The only bad thing is the bugs. There are mosquitoes everywhere! Plus, some of the other counselors were telling Randy that he left roaches lying around the dock but I haven't seen any. I hope they don't get into my tent. The only thing I've seen lying around on the floor are just a bunch of tiny pieces of burnt paper. I don't know where those came from but they definitely aren't roaches.
Oh, I almost forgot. I met a girl. She's 12 just like me and is from Long Island. Don't worry about me and her; she said she couldn't do anything serious because she is a pre-op. That must mean she's really religious or something which is fine by me. I just like having someone to hold hands and play football with. It's kind of embarrassing because she has a lower voice than me and is way taller. But I guess girls just grow faster than boys do.
Oh yeah, there is this really cool song we sing before we eat lunch and dinner. Randy taught it to us and it's the official camp Wanapasakee song. It goes like this; "Summertime is here again and you know what that means/ It's time for fun at camp and a whole lot of weed/ Getting shitty at the lake off Tom's four foot bong/ we're fried as hell straight to the skull as we sing this song/ Camp Wanapasakee we love you like a friend/ But when that cheeba's running low/ the summers got to end!" Randy makes us sing it for the other counselors and they all crack up. I don't get a lot of the song but I'm sure I will by the end of the summer.
I'm really excited because tonight some of the guys from the 14-15 year-old camp invited me to play ookie cookie with them. I don't really know what it is but they told me we all sit in a circle and there is a cookie in the middle and the winner gets to eat it. It sounds like a lot of fun. After that they promised to give me a swirlie which must be some kind of ice cream like a blizzard at DQ. Those guys are the best.
Well, I've got to wake up Randy and go meet the older guys but I hope you're doing fine and I hope the pills are working. We don't want you trying to stab the cleaning lady again! Write me as soon as they let you out of the asylum and say hi to my sister for me"it's been too long since I've visited her grave. I love you so much Grandma and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Your Grandson, Kyle
How are you? I hope you don't still miss grandpa; he's in a better place now. He just needs to start over in Florida and you need to give him his freedom. Anyways, don't worry about the divorce; we all support you and we're prepared to back that up in court.
On a brighter note, things here at Camp Wanapasakee are really good. I wish you could see this place, it's amazing. There is this huge lake that is fed by all the waste pipes from the city. I know, I know; it sounds disgusting. But my counselor told me that the water is filtered and that it's good for the planet because we're not wasting water"we're recycling it.
Speaking of my counselor, he's the best. His name is Randy, but all the other counselors call him Bong. I don't really get his nickname but I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that he plays the bongo drums. He's really into this band called Fish and he said he used to follow them all over the country and experiment with stuff. He wouldn't tell us what he was experimenting with but I bet it has something to do with plants because he is growing a bunch of them in his trunk. I don't know why he keeps the plants in his trunk but they really smell"maybe that's why. Sometimes the whole tent smells like it when we come back from lunch. I always know he's working hard because he falls asleep ALL THE TIME!
My tent-mates are really cool guys. They all know each other from school so I'm kind of the outsider. Sometimes I hear them doing things at night when they think I'm asleep. It sounds like they're trying to lift heavy things because they grunt a lot and then they talk about how sweaty they are and how "hard?" they are. I don't know? It's probably something from their school. They all have a lisp and that must be because they all come from New Hampshire. I guess people up there just talk like that???
The only bad thing is the bugs. There are mosquitoes everywhere! Plus, some of the other counselors were telling Randy that he left roaches lying around the dock but I haven't seen any. I hope they don't get into my tent. The only thing I've seen lying around on the floor are just a bunch of tiny pieces of burnt paper. I don't know where those came from but they definitely aren't roaches.
Oh, I almost forgot. I met a girl. She's 12 just like me and is from Long Island. Don't worry about me and her; she said she couldn't do anything serious because she is a pre-op. That must mean she's really religious or something which is fine by me. I just like having someone to hold hands and play football with. It's kind of embarrassing because she has a lower voice than me and is way taller. But I guess girls just grow faster than boys do.
Oh yeah, there is this really cool song we sing before we eat lunch and dinner. Randy taught it to us and it's the official camp Wanapasakee song. It goes like this; "Summertime is here again and you know what that means/ It's time for fun at camp and a whole lot of weed/ Getting shitty at the lake off Tom's four foot bong/ we're fried as hell straight to the skull as we sing this song/ Camp Wanapasakee we love you like a friend/ But when that cheeba's running low/ the summers got to end!" Randy makes us sing it for the other counselors and they all crack up. I don't get a lot of the song but I'm sure I will by the end of the summer.
I'm really excited because tonight some of the guys from the 14-15 year-old camp invited me to play ookie cookie with them. I don't really know what it is but they told me we all sit in a circle and there is a cookie in the middle and the winner gets to eat it. It sounds like a lot of fun. After that they promised to give me a swirlie which must be some kind of ice cream like a blizzard at DQ. Those guys are the best.
Well, I've got to wake up Randy and go meet the older guys but I hope you're doing fine and I hope the pills are working. We don't want you trying to stab the cleaning lady again! Write me as soon as they let you out of the asylum and say hi to my sister for me"it's been too long since I've visited her grave. I love you so much Grandma and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Your Grandson, Kyle
Bad Term Papers: The Industrial Revolution
by Streeter Seidell July 10, 2004
The Industrial Revolution
By Timothy Branton
Mrs. Wheeler
9th grade history
The industrial revolution was a very important thing to happen in in america. To beginwith; the industrial revolution was not not like the american revoltion which happened when american said to England too get out of our country. But there was no bleeding in the industrial revolution and there was no guns. Actually, there were guns but they were not used for killing brittisch people because they were being industrialized (the guns, not the brittisch).
Anyways, the revolution started when a guy named Eli Whitney made gin. It was made out of cotten and all the black people liked it. In stead of ending slavery which really sucked for black people, it made it happen more because then more black people could make more cotten. I don't know how you make cotten out of gin, but eli knew how.
So everyone is drinking this cotten gin and some guy says "Hey I can use this technologie to make other stuff better!!!' Soon everyone was using eli"s gin method to make better machines better at doing stuff. In no time we had replaceable parts in guns and cars and bikes and stuff and everyone was happy. Except the black people because they didt get any technologies because they were slaves.
Then came steam engines which are still used today at places. The steam engine which was made by some brittisch guy uses wood or cowl to make fires. Then the smoke from the fire makes some stuff move and you have a steam engine. Soon everyone was putting steam engines in things like water pumps; trains; buggies; trains; and trains. In those times, if you didt have a train everyone though you were a Gaylord. It"s kinda like not having a car now. And if you didt have a steam engine train you were and even bigger Gaylord.
Everything was changing in america. Poor immigrants could now afford to buy stuff on credit thanks to the steam engine and the gin. Plus, we had canals too so things could get moved around on water. People knew how to make boats fro hundreds of years befour the industrial revolution but nobody knew how to make a canal before Abraham Lincin dug the suez canal with a steam engine. That"s what made the suez canal feezible, the steam engine.
America soon became the best country in the world and has stayed that way ever sinse. Poor people from all over the world started coming to elis iland and some even got let in to New Haven where elis iland was even though they had fleas and other stuff. They were really happy to be in america because we had so many great inventions like the cotten gin and steam trains and water pumps. That"s why people came here. Plus they had bad potatos where they came from too.
With all these poor people and canals america went on to lead the world in moveable parts guns manufacturing. We made so many guns that we had enough to have a war with ourselves and use our guns. A lot of people died but the black people got set free and they have been happy ever sinse. And they got guns too and they still have them and if something on the gun breaks they can a get a replacement part in not ime.
The industrial revolution was a really good thing to happen in america because everyone is happy now. With out it; we wouldnt have xbox or easymac or tv or movies or guns or trains and it would suck to live here. But becuz of the revolution everyone wants to live here and we have to turn down a bunch of people becuz their terroriststs. It sux that we cant let everybody in but we cant let everybody know how steam engines work becuz then we wouldnt be the best anymore.
In closing, the industrial revulsion ment that we could make as many cars and canals as we wanted too and noone could stop us because we also had a lot of guns.
By Timothy Branton
By Timothy Branton
Mrs. Wheeler
9th grade history
The industrial revolution was a very important thing to happen in in america. To beginwith; the industrial revolution was not not like the american revoltion which happened when american said to England too get out of our country. But there was no bleeding in the industrial revolution and there was no guns. Actually, there were guns but they were not used for killing brittisch people because they were being industrialized (the guns, not the brittisch).
Anyways, the revolution started when a guy named Eli Whitney made gin. It was made out of cotten and all the black people liked it. In stead of ending slavery which really sucked for black people, it made it happen more because then more black people could make more cotten. I don't know how you make cotten out of gin, but eli knew how.
So everyone is drinking this cotten gin and some guy says "Hey I can use this technologie to make other stuff better!!!' Soon everyone was using eli"s gin method to make better machines better at doing stuff. In no time we had replaceable parts in guns and cars and bikes and stuff and everyone was happy. Except the black people because they didt get any technologies because they were slaves.
Then came steam engines which are still used today at places. The steam engine which was made by some brittisch guy uses wood or cowl to make fires. Then the smoke from the fire makes some stuff move and you have a steam engine. Soon everyone was putting steam engines in things like water pumps; trains; buggies; trains; and trains. In those times, if you didt have a train everyone though you were a Gaylord. It"s kinda like not having a car now. And if you didt have a steam engine train you were and even bigger Gaylord.
Everything was changing in america. Poor immigrants could now afford to buy stuff on credit thanks to the steam engine and the gin. Plus, we had canals too so things could get moved around on water. People knew how to make boats fro hundreds of years befour the industrial revolution but nobody knew how to make a canal before Abraham Lincin dug the suez canal with a steam engine. That"s what made the suez canal feezible, the steam engine.
America soon became the best country in the world and has stayed that way ever sinse. Poor people from all over the world started coming to elis iland and some even got let in to New Haven where elis iland was even though they had fleas and other stuff. They were really happy to be in america because we had so many great inventions like the cotten gin and steam trains and water pumps. That"s why people came here. Plus they had bad potatos where they came from too.
With all these poor people and canals america went on to lead the world in moveable parts guns manufacturing. We made so many guns that we had enough to have a war with ourselves and use our guns. A lot of people died but the black people got set free and they have been happy ever sinse. And they got guns too and they still have them and if something on the gun breaks they can a get a replacement part in not ime.
The industrial revolution was a really good thing to happen in america because everyone is happy now. With out it; we wouldnt have xbox or easymac or tv or movies or guns or trains and it would suck to live here. But becuz of the revolution everyone wants to live here and we have to turn down a bunch of people becuz their terroriststs. It sux that we cant let everybody in but we cant let everybody know how steam engines work becuz then we wouldnt be the best anymore.
In closing, the industrial revulsion ment that we could make as many cars and canals as we wanted too and noone could stop us because we also had a lot of guns.
By Timothy Branton
The Streety Awards; Nominees
by Streeter Seidell July 09, 2004
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the voting for the first bi-monthly Streety Awards. The Streetys are decided by you, not some overpaid industry "expert" sitting around sipping mochas and lighting Cubans with his intern's hair. Also, the Streetys cover all manner of entertainment while ignoring such awards as "best digital sound editing" and "best use of duct tape on a soap opera set" so you get to the good stuff. Without further ado, here are your nominees for the 2004 Streety Awards.
Funniest TV Show:
1. The Office (BBC)
2. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
3. Reno 911 (Comedy Central)
4. America's Craziest Foreigners (Bronx Public Access)
Funniest Cartoon
1. South Park (Comedy Central)
2. The Simpsons (FOX)
3. Shorties Watching Shorties (Comedy Central)
4. Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon)
Funniest Movie
1. Old School
2. Fahrenheit 9/11
3. Dodgeball; A True Underdog Story
4. Super Troopers (I know it came out a long time ago, but it is just as funny today as then)
Best Reality TV Slut
1. Heidi from "Survivor"
2. Jack Osbourne from "The Osbournes"
3. The Littlest Groom
4. Trishelle from "Real World Las Vegas"
Worst TV Show
1. The Osbournes
2. The Newlyweds
3. VH1's "It's Good To Be""
4. "Jedi Time" on Blinton public access, Blinton, Oregon.
Most Annoying Song You Used To Like
1. "In Da Club" 50 Cent
2. "Yeah" Usher
3. "This Love" Maroon 5
4. "Spice Up Your Life" The Spice Girls
Best Song You Love To Hate/Hate To Love
1. "Hey Ya" Outkast
2. "Hey Mama" The Black Eyed Peas
3. "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" The Darkness
4. "Pink Houses (Aint That America) John Cougar Mellencamp
Most Annoying Teen Star
1. Lindsay Lohan
2. The Olsen Twins (no, I will not address you separately)
3. Frankie Munitz
4. Hillary Duff
Actress/Songstresses That Should Call Me (if you are one of them, email me for my number)
1. Keira Knightley
2. Ellen Muth (from "Dead Like Me")
3. Fergie (from Black Eyed Peas)
4. Ashlee Simpson (legal?)
Best C-List Celebrity
1. Mario Lopez (Saved By The Bell)
2. Vince Neil (Poison)
3. Ted Nudgent
4. Danny Cooksey ("Budnick" from Nickelodeon's "Salute Your Shorts")
Best Celebrity That Is Fading Away
1. Ashton Kutcher
2. Britney Spears
3. Pharell Williams (of The Neptunes)
4. Christina (Xtina) Aguilera
Dumbest Celebrity
1. Jessica Simpson
2. George W. Bush
3. Kelly Osbourne
4. Jessica Simpson's Mom
Celebrity That Would Most Likely Steal Your Food When You Go To The Bathroom
1. Michael Moore
2. Ruben Studdard
3. Chris Farley (Posthumously)
4. Ken Lay (of Enron)
Most Padunkadunk
1. Beyonce
2. J-Lo
3. Michael Moore
4. Oprah
Most Into Religion To An Irritating Degree
1. Beyonce
2. Stacey Orico
3. Madonna
4. Osama Bin Laden
Best Snaggle-Tooth
1. Jewel
Best Recently Deaceased Celebrity
1. Ray Charles
2. Marlon Brando
3. Katherine Hepburn
4. Michael Douglas' Brother
Best Mask Worn By A Celebrity
1. R. Kelly (Pink Zorro Mask)
2. Michael Jackson (entire face is plastic)
3. Ben Affleck (Poker face to hide gambling problem)
Celebrity Most Likely To Fart And Not Admit It
1. Paris Hilton
2. Omarosa
3. Kelly Clarkson (Blames it on Clay Aiken)
4. Scarlett Johansson
Nerdiest Celebrity Male Who Probably Gets Hot Girls
1. Tobey Maguire
2. Jake Gyllenhaal
3. Elijah Wood
4. Topher Grace
Please email your votes to suxatlife@hotmail.com. When all the votes are tallied, I'll announce the winners.
Funniest TV Show:
1. The Office (BBC)
2. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)
3. Reno 911 (Comedy Central)
4. America's Craziest Foreigners (Bronx Public Access)
Funniest Cartoon
1. South Park (Comedy Central)
2. The Simpsons (FOX)
3. Shorties Watching Shorties (Comedy Central)
4. Spongebob Squarepants (Nickelodeon)
Funniest Movie
1. Old School
2. Fahrenheit 9/11
3. Dodgeball; A True Underdog Story
4. Super Troopers (I know it came out a long time ago, but it is just as funny today as then)
Best Reality TV Slut
1. Heidi from "Survivor"
2. Jack Osbourne from "The Osbournes"
3. The Littlest Groom
4. Trishelle from "Real World Las Vegas"
Worst TV Show
1. The Osbournes
2. The Newlyweds
3. VH1's "It's Good To Be""
4. "Jedi Time" on Blinton public access, Blinton, Oregon.
Most Annoying Song You Used To Like
1. "In Da Club" 50 Cent
2. "Yeah" Usher
3. "This Love" Maroon 5
4. "Spice Up Your Life" The Spice Girls
Best Song You Love To Hate/Hate To Love
1. "Hey Ya" Outkast
2. "Hey Mama" The Black Eyed Peas
3. "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" The Darkness
4. "Pink Houses (Aint That America) John Cougar Mellencamp
Most Annoying Teen Star
1. Lindsay Lohan
2. The Olsen Twins (no, I will not address you separately)
3. Frankie Munitz
4. Hillary Duff
Actress/Songstresses That Should Call Me (if you are one of them, email me for my number)
1. Keira Knightley
2. Ellen Muth (from "Dead Like Me")
3. Fergie (from Black Eyed Peas)
4. Ashlee Simpson (legal?)
Best C-List Celebrity
1. Mario Lopez (Saved By The Bell)
2. Vince Neil (Poison)
3. Ted Nudgent
4. Danny Cooksey ("Budnick" from Nickelodeon's "Salute Your Shorts")
Best Celebrity That Is Fading Away
1. Ashton Kutcher
2. Britney Spears
3. Pharell Williams (of The Neptunes)
4. Christina (Xtina) Aguilera
Dumbest Celebrity
1. Jessica Simpson
2. George W. Bush
3. Kelly Osbourne
4. Jessica Simpson's Mom
Celebrity That Would Most Likely Steal Your Food When You Go To The Bathroom
1. Michael Moore
2. Ruben Studdard
3. Chris Farley (Posthumously)
4. Ken Lay (of Enron)
Most Padunkadunk
1. Beyonce
2. J-Lo
3. Michael Moore
4. Oprah
Most Into Religion To An Irritating Degree
1. Beyonce
2. Stacey Orico
3. Madonna
4. Osama Bin Laden
Best Snaggle-Tooth
1. Jewel
Best Recently Deaceased Celebrity
1. Ray Charles
2. Marlon Brando
3. Katherine Hepburn
4. Michael Douglas' Brother
Best Mask Worn By A Celebrity
1. R. Kelly (Pink Zorro Mask)
2. Michael Jackson (entire face is plastic)
3. Ben Affleck (Poker face to hide gambling problem)
Celebrity Most Likely To Fart And Not Admit It
1. Paris Hilton
2. Omarosa
3. Kelly Clarkson (Blames it on Clay Aiken)
4. Scarlett Johansson
Nerdiest Celebrity Male Who Probably Gets Hot Girls
1. Tobey Maguire
2. Jake Gyllenhaal
3. Elijah Wood
4. Topher Grace
Please email your votes to suxatlife@hotmail.com. When all the votes are tallied, I'll announce the winners.
People You Hate XIV
by Streeter Seidell July 08, 2004
Hello again and welcome to the fourteenth installment of the Famous Hate List. This week we see hate from coast to coast, north to south and even a little bit from Canada"maybe. Let the bad times roll!
*To contribute email suxatlife@hotmail.com
MINE:
The Noisy Neighbor: I'm no the quietest person in the world. In fact, some have described me as boisterous, irksome and downright loquacious. But I know when to shut up. Apparently, the people who live downstairs from me never got that memo. Now, I don't normally say this, but I feel kind of bad for the woman downstairs. She is a single mom raising what sounds like 163 kids. But that doesn't mean they have to hold door slamming contests at 1 AM. Lady, your kids are no older than 8"get them to bed. When I was 8 I got to stay up till 9 only on Saturday nights so I could watch SNICK. These little rascals stay up well into the morning watching TV at full volume then cry when the TV goes off. It's all I can do to not bang on my floor with a hammer. Please, please lady, shut your kids up"I Hate You (and your flock)
Conrad Conversation Cutter: You know, when I'm talking to a pretty girl I always wish someone would butt their ugly mug in and ask what we're talking about. Thank God for Conrad. This ass will always find me when I'm trying my best to explain to an attractive girl that a career in comedy is admirable and just jump right into the conversation. "What are you guys talking about?" he'll excitedly ask. We're not talking about you, you worthless chump. Go find your own girl to talk to, don't try to take mine away. I have enough trouble getting girls as it is without your face making mine look worse. Why don't you go try to get into a conversation between two hungry wolves"I Hate You!
Friggin Fraggin: Fuck. Shit. Ass. Goddamn. You see how easy that is? Now you try it! There is always one person in my life who refuses to swear. When that person is no longer in my life, someone will come and replace their "G.D." with a "Gosh darn." If they stub their toe they'll exclaim, "SHOOT" or "FUDGE." If they want to insult you, they'll call you a "A-hole" or a "Mother-F'er." Seriously guys, you're not fooling anyone. Speech is merely communication through formed sounds and emphasis. If you say "shoot" the same way everyone else says "shit" you're saying the same thing. The meaning is the same, only your 5 year-old brain thinks you've escaped some kind of sin because you have made your exclamation more acceptable to the FCC. Plus, if you went back 1000 years to ancient England and tried to talk to someone, there are only three words they would understand: Fart, Shit, and Fuck. You don't want to turn your back on history, do you? There is a reason those words and their meanings have remained unchanged for the last millennium; they're good words, they have staying power. So drop your self-importance and your high handed conscience and say a goddamned fucking swear"I Hate You!
YOURS:
Reader Isaac B. Really hates: The noisy weightroom Guy. Ok, so when I am working out, I am in my own universe. Adrenaline is pumping, I'm playing my own songs in my head because the shit they play in the gym is about as appeasing to the ears as Britney Spears with strepp throat. Anyways, minding my own business and trying to get a workout done, when suddenly some prick from half way across the room screams in agony. The sound is probably very similar to somebody losing an arm, so of course everybody in the building looses their train of though to have a look. But behold my fellow weight lifters, it is none other then Noisy weight room guy, on his last rep, and feeling the need to make it known to everybody within a four block radius. Okay. Lifting weights isn't THAT hard, it doesn't hurt THAT much, and NOBODY is going to applaud you because you made "Giving birth to a water melon" your sound of victory. Because the fact is everybody just saw me do what you just did with effortless ease. I fucking HATE YOU
(See: Isaac knows how to swear)
Reader Jamie F. really hates: The people that INSIST on going the exact speed limit even when there's not a lot of cars around and you're in a hurry. You're stuck behind them, when in fact if they would just move their asses out of your way, you could probably floor it and make it to where you need to be relatively on time. But instead, you're forced to drive 30 behind some 85 year old who can't even see over the steering wheel, with nothing to do but scream at them from your car and ride their ass, hoping they get the hint and speed up. But they don't, and you end up being late and pissed off all day. Thanks for making me late to work today asshole! I HATE YOU!!!!
Reader Ryan H. really hates: GDI's - "Why would I want to be a part of something that restricts my thoughts? I hate frats. Now excuse me while I go methodically hate some other organized group." Get a fucking life! I swear if I invite one more person to a rush party only to be met with the response, "Oh, thanks, but I'm an independent thinker." - I'm going to bludgeon their little free spirit with some heavy mining equipment. Apparently in the minds of GDIs, we breed of frat-guys are simply another form of the Borg used by a diabolical hive mind determined to overthrow the government. For future reference, wearing a polo shirt or going to a frat party does NOT denote conformity, so put a sock in it you fake-ass pseudo-intellectual-liberal - I hate you.
(I don't know what a GDI is, but I'm sure this means something to someone)
Reader Chrissy W. really hates: The Overly Opinionated Moralist. Okay, I understand that you choose to adhere to a strict code of ethics. Honestly, that's probably admirable in some form that I haven't discovered yet. But don't assume for a second that just because you refuse to drink/smoke/have sex/look at porn/masturbate/curse/do anything fun at all that I'll immediately stop doing so just because you disapprove. Good morning, assfuck; this is college. Ethics aren't supposed to exist until after we graduate. Go join a damn Puritan colony if all you want to do is talk about how your "values" make you so high and mighty that your shit doesn't stink. Quit lecturing me on how I'm ruining my life and trying to shove your bullshit lifestyle down my throat. I don't tell you how to live your life; stay out of mine. I HATE YOU.
Chrissy also hates: The person who lives every minute as though it were Karaoke Night. Now it doesn't make a difference to me how much this song means to you or how beautiful you think your voice may be. You could sing like Janis fucking Joplin and I still wouldn't care; save your singing for bars full of drunk people who are too busy puking or trying to pick up ugly chicks to notice the drone that is your singing. Variants include: people who know every other word or so in the song and nothing else. Even if you did know all the words, I'd still hate you. And don't forget the guy/girl who tries to rap even though he/she has no talent. I don't care how ghetto you think you are; being "ghetto" does not automatically equate to rapping ability. Karaoke wannabes who don't know when to quit serenading the innocent people who aren't fortunate enough to be deaf, I HATE YOU.
And the award for most hateful and also most graphic goes to"
Reader Kevin L. really hates: the "my boyfriend" girls. These bitches have to inject "my boyfriend" or their boyfriend's name in every sentence, just to be crystal clear that they are dating someone. This girl always happens to be among those who you would lean to your friend and ask "how many beers would it require to throw your dogs in that bathtub?" and they would reply "That bitch?? too fuckin' many." We aren't hitting on you. Honest. You're nasty. We don't care you have a boyfriend, we don't care his name is Dennis. If you break up with him, we won't hit on you then either you puss-secreting vaginal scab. You fuckin' suck" and I hate you.
(Gross)
Kevin also hates: the "Her Boyfriend" guy. This is the jacked-up ass-clown who you don't know, comes to your party with the friend of the friend of the girl from your management class, and introduces himself roughly as "her boyfriend" and then tries to break your hand when he shakes it/squeezes it. I don't even remember your ugly ass girlfriend's name, now you think everyone is going after her, so you need to piss on her leg to mark your territory like a fuckin' wolf and scare off all "would-be pursuers" with your incredible death hand-grip. Look around Asshole, your girlfriend is the ugliest girl in the room, nobody is hitting on her, and she spends so much time with you that most people here don't even know her. This jackass is also the asshole that goes out in public (especially the gym" WHY???) with his girlfriend holding her hand and giving guys dirty looks as if they are going for his girl" Mr. "I'm her boyfriend" I hate you". Consequently I could kick your ass, could take your ugly caja from you, but I won't" because I am intimidated by the "death grip?" No, because she sucks and so do you. Again, I hate you.
Finally, Kevin also hates: the "my upperclassman sibling" freshman/sophomore. They have a senior sibling that gets them into all the senior parties and they carry on and on about how fuckin' great it was, and how cool they are and how what senior guy they were talking to at Tommy's party. "Oh you don't know Tommy???" No fuckass" I don't know Tommy" maybe because I don't have a sister that Tommy is currently donkey-punching every night so Tommy doesn't give a fuck about me, much as I don't give a fuck about Tommy. Have a good time next year when your sibling graduates and you realize how much you suck and how much we all hate you. To bad your only friends in your year are people that use you to get into upperclassmen's parties. I Hate You!
That's it for this week and remember, if you would like to add your own hate to the Famous Hate List email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and see if you make the cut. Oh, and if you do want to submit, please capitalize your "i's", I'm going insane changing them. Maybe I'll do an entry on that.
*To contribute email suxatlife@hotmail.com
MINE:
The Noisy Neighbor: I'm no the quietest person in the world. In fact, some have described me as boisterous, irksome and downright loquacious. But I know when to shut up. Apparently, the people who live downstairs from me never got that memo. Now, I don't normally say this, but I feel kind of bad for the woman downstairs. She is a single mom raising what sounds like 163 kids. But that doesn't mean they have to hold door slamming contests at 1 AM. Lady, your kids are no older than 8"get them to bed. When I was 8 I got to stay up till 9 only on Saturday nights so I could watch SNICK. These little rascals stay up well into the morning watching TV at full volume then cry when the TV goes off. It's all I can do to not bang on my floor with a hammer. Please, please lady, shut your kids up"I Hate You (and your flock)
Conrad Conversation Cutter: You know, when I'm talking to a pretty girl I always wish someone would butt their ugly mug in and ask what we're talking about. Thank God for Conrad. This ass will always find me when I'm trying my best to explain to an attractive girl that a career in comedy is admirable and just jump right into the conversation. "What are you guys talking about?" he'll excitedly ask. We're not talking about you, you worthless chump. Go find your own girl to talk to, don't try to take mine away. I have enough trouble getting girls as it is without your face making mine look worse. Why don't you go try to get into a conversation between two hungry wolves"I Hate You!
Friggin Fraggin: Fuck. Shit. Ass. Goddamn. You see how easy that is? Now you try it! There is always one person in my life who refuses to swear. When that person is no longer in my life, someone will come and replace their "G.D." with a "Gosh darn." If they stub their toe they'll exclaim, "SHOOT" or "FUDGE." If they want to insult you, they'll call you a "A-hole" or a "Mother-F'er." Seriously guys, you're not fooling anyone. Speech is merely communication through formed sounds and emphasis. If you say "shoot" the same way everyone else says "shit" you're saying the same thing. The meaning is the same, only your 5 year-old brain thinks you've escaped some kind of sin because you have made your exclamation more acceptable to the FCC. Plus, if you went back 1000 years to ancient England and tried to talk to someone, there are only three words they would understand: Fart, Shit, and Fuck. You don't want to turn your back on history, do you? There is a reason those words and their meanings have remained unchanged for the last millennium; they're good words, they have staying power. So drop your self-importance and your high handed conscience and say a goddamned fucking swear"I Hate You!
YOURS:
Reader Isaac B. Really hates: The noisy weightroom Guy. Ok, so when I am working out, I am in my own universe. Adrenaline is pumping, I'm playing my own songs in my head because the shit they play in the gym is about as appeasing to the ears as Britney Spears with strepp throat. Anyways, minding my own business and trying to get a workout done, when suddenly some prick from half way across the room screams in agony. The sound is probably very similar to somebody losing an arm, so of course everybody in the building looses their train of though to have a look. But behold my fellow weight lifters, it is none other then Noisy weight room guy, on his last rep, and feeling the need to make it known to everybody within a four block radius. Okay. Lifting weights isn't THAT hard, it doesn't hurt THAT much, and NOBODY is going to applaud you because you made "Giving birth to a water melon" your sound of victory. Because the fact is everybody just saw me do what you just did with effortless ease. I fucking HATE YOU
(See: Isaac knows how to swear)
Reader Jamie F. really hates: The people that INSIST on going the exact speed limit even when there's not a lot of cars around and you're in a hurry. You're stuck behind them, when in fact if they would just move their asses out of your way, you could probably floor it and make it to where you need to be relatively on time. But instead, you're forced to drive 30 behind some 85 year old who can't even see over the steering wheel, with nothing to do but scream at them from your car and ride their ass, hoping they get the hint and speed up. But they don't, and you end up being late and pissed off all day. Thanks for making me late to work today asshole! I HATE YOU!!!!
Reader Ryan H. really hates: GDI's - "Why would I want to be a part of something that restricts my thoughts? I hate frats. Now excuse me while I go methodically hate some other organized group." Get a fucking life! I swear if I invite one more person to a rush party only to be met with the response, "Oh, thanks, but I'm an independent thinker." - I'm going to bludgeon their little free spirit with some heavy mining equipment. Apparently in the minds of GDIs, we breed of frat-guys are simply another form of the Borg used by a diabolical hive mind determined to overthrow the government. For future reference, wearing a polo shirt or going to a frat party does NOT denote conformity, so put a sock in it you fake-ass pseudo-intellectual-liberal - I hate you.
(I don't know what a GDI is, but I'm sure this means something to someone)
Reader Chrissy W. really hates: The Overly Opinionated Moralist. Okay, I understand that you choose to adhere to a strict code of ethics. Honestly, that's probably admirable in some form that I haven't discovered yet. But don't assume for a second that just because you refuse to drink/smoke/have sex/look at porn/masturbate/curse/do anything fun at all that I'll immediately stop doing so just because you disapprove. Good morning, assfuck; this is college. Ethics aren't supposed to exist until after we graduate. Go join a damn Puritan colony if all you want to do is talk about how your "values" make you so high and mighty that your shit doesn't stink. Quit lecturing me on how I'm ruining my life and trying to shove your bullshit lifestyle down my throat. I don't tell you how to live your life; stay out of mine. I HATE YOU.
Chrissy also hates: The person who lives every minute as though it were Karaoke Night. Now it doesn't make a difference to me how much this song means to you or how beautiful you think your voice may be. You could sing like Janis fucking Joplin and I still wouldn't care; save your singing for bars full of drunk people who are too busy puking or trying to pick up ugly chicks to notice the drone that is your singing. Variants include: people who know every other word or so in the song and nothing else. Even if you did know all the words, I'd still hate you. And don't forget the guy/girl who tries to rap even though he/she has no talent. I don't care how ghetto you think you are; being "ghetto" does not automatically equate to rapping ability. Karaoke wannabes who don't know when to quit serenading the innocent people who aren't fortunate enough to be deaf, I HATE YOU.
And the award for most hateful and also most graphic goes to"
Reader Kevin L. really hates: the "my boyfriend" girls. These bitches have to inject "my boyfriend" or their boyfriend's name in every sentence, just to be crystal clear that they are dating someone. This girl always happens to be among those who you would lean to your friend and ask "how many beers would it require to throw your dogs in that bathtub?" and they would reply "That bitch?? too fuckin' many." We aren't hitting on you. Honest. You're nasty. We don't care you have a boyfriend, we don't care his name is Dennis. If you break up with him, we won't hit on you then either you puss-secreting vaginal scab. You fuckin' suck" and I hate you.
(Gross)
Kevin also hates: the "Her Boyfriend" guy. This is the jacked-up ass-clown who you don't know, comes to your party with the friend of the friend of the girl from your management class, and introduces himself roughly as "her boyfriend" and then tries to break your hand when he shakes it/squeezes it. I don't even remember your ugly ass girlfriend's name, now you think everyone is going after her, so you need to piss on her leg to mark your territory like a fuckin' wolf and scare off all "would-be pursuers" with your incredible death hand-grip. Look around Asshole, your girlfriend is the ugliest girl in the room, nobody is hitting on her, and she spends so much time with you that most people here don't even know her. This jackass is also the asshole that goes out in public (especially the gym" WHY???) with his girlfriend holding her hand and giving guys dirty looks as if they are going for his girl" Mr. "I'm her boyfriend" I hate you". Consequently I could kick your ass, could take your ugly caja from you, but I won't" because I am intimidated by the "death grip?" No, because she sucks and so do you. Again, I hate you.
Finally, Kevin also hates: the "my upperclassman sibling" freshman/sophomore. They have a senior sibling that gets them into all the senior parties and they carry on and on about how fuckin' great it was, and how cool they are and how what senior guy they were talking to at Tommy's party. "Oh you don't know Tommy???" No fuckass" I don't know Tommy" maybe because I don't have a sister that Tommy is currently donkey-punching every night so Tommy doesn't give a fuck about me, much as I don't give a fuck about Tommy. Have a good time next year when your sibling graduates and you realize how much you suck and how much we all hate you. To bad your only friends in your year are people that use you to get into upperclassmen's parties. I Hate You!
That's it for this week and remember, if you would like to add your own hate to the Famous Hate List email me at suxatlife@hotmail.com and see if you make the cut. Oh, and if you do want to submit, please capitalize your "i's", I'm going insane changing them. Maybe I'll do an entry on that.
America's Birthday Wish List
by Streeter Seidell July 03, 2004
Dear Citizens,
Hey guys, it's me America. As you know, my birthday is coming up tomorrow and I have some last minute ideas if anyone still hasn't gotten me something. I'm sure everyone will be coming to my party; there's going to be fireworks and cookouts and a lot of other fun stuff. So, if you want to bring me something while you're there, that would be great.
I don't want you spending all your cash on a present for me; just enough to show that you care. Like, you could get me some new highways in the north east. The ones I have there are almost falling apart. Oh, and I've always wanted more teachers at inner city schools. I don't NEED them, but I really, really want them. I asked my Dad, England, for them, but he said since I moved out 200+ years ago he wouldn't help me out anymore unless I got into a fight.
I really, really want a new mountain. All the ones I have are so old and out of style. I need a new, flashy one called "TerraMaximus" or "Devil's Head" or something like that. It would be so nice to get a new river to go with that mountain too. We could call it the Machetunxis or some other Indian sounding name. I also could use another national park. I hear Yellowstone is getting overcrowded.
Now, I don't want to sound greedy, but I also want a new state. I know I already have fifty, but I think fifty one would really bring a sense of closure to the whole issue. We could get Puerto Rico or maybe even Quebec; I hear they want to leave Canada anyway. Maybe we could just find some new land altogether. Wouldn't it be cool to have a state on the Moon? The flag's already there.
Please, please get me a new president. Maybe make it a belated gift"say, November, around there. The one I have now is really mean and he keeps killing my army. Plus, I hear there is this other guy who could take his place who doesn't talk much but looks like a twenty dollar bill"make him president instead. (but leave the tags on, if he isn't what I wanted, I may have to return him in four years)
If you really want to make me happy on my birthday, eliminate China. They have always been a pain in my ass and I'm getting sick of pretending to be their friend. Same goes for North Korea and basically the whole middle east. They say I'm a bully; I say they had better watch their mouths or else"or else.
Now, here are a couple of things I keep getting, year after year, that I don't need. I don't need any more Wal-Marts. I'm practically bursting at the seams. I don't need any more country music. I don't need any more McDonalds. We're big enough as it is. I don't need any more terrorist attacks, war or Jessica Simpson television shows. I no longer need any more bears. I know they were endangered, but now they have started eating people. I don't want any more celebrity children's books, miracle diets, animal-shaped chicken nuggets, right wing talk shows, VH1 "I Love The"", speed limits, mounted novelty talking animals, Atkins approved products, and Wayans Brother movies. So don't get me any of that.
So, I hope to see you all my birthday party tomorrow and I hope you get me something on my wish list!
Fondly,
Your Country, America
PS. I also want a new bike.
Hey guys, it's me America. As you know, my birthday is coming up tomorrow and I have some last minute ideas if anyone still hasn't gotten me something. I'm sure everyone will be coming to my party; there's going to be fireworks and cookouts and a lot of other fun stuff. So, if you want to bring me something while you're there, that would be great.
I don't want you spending all your cash on a present for me; just enough to show that you care. Like, you could get me some new highways in the north east. The ones I have there are almost falling apart. Oh, and I've always wanted more teachers at inner city schools. I don't NEED them, but I really, really want them. I asked my Dad, England, for them, but he said since I moved out 200+ years ago he wouldn't help me out anymore unless I got into a fight.
I really, really want a new mountain. All the ones I have are so old and out of style. I need a new, flashy one called "TerraMaximus" or "Devil's Head" or something like that. It would be so nice to get a new river to go with that mountain too. We could call it the Machetunxis or some other Indian sounding name. I also could use another national park. I hear Yellowstone is getting overcrowded.
Now, I don't want to sound greedy, but I also want a new state. I know I already have fifty, but I think fifty one would really bring a sense of closure to the whole issue. We could get Puerto Rico or maybe even Quebec; I hear they want to leave Canada anyway. Maybe we could just find some new land altogether. Wouldn't it be cool to have a state on the Moon? The flag's already there.
Please, please get me a new president. Maybe make it a belated gift"say, November, around there. The one I have now is really mean and he keeps killing my army. Plus, I hear there is this other guy who could take his place who doesn't talk much but looks like a twenty dollar bill"make him president instead. (but leave the tags on, if he isn't what I wanted, I may have to return him in four years)
If you really want to make me happy on my birthday, eliminate China. They have always been a pain in my ass and I'm getting sick of pretending to be their friend. Same goes for North Korea and basically the whole middle east. They say I'm a bully; I say they had better watch their mouths or else"or else.
Now, here are a couple of things I keep getting, year after year, that I don't need. I don't need any more Wal-Marts. I'm practically bursting at the seams. I don't need any more country music. I don't need any more McDonalds. We're big enough as it is. I don't need any more terrorist attacks, war or Jessica Simpson television shows. I no longer need any more bears. I know they were endangered, but now they have started eating people. I don't want any more celebrity children's books, miracle diets, animal-shaped chicken nuggets, right wing talk shows, VH1 "I Love The"", speed limits, mounted novelty talking animals, Atkins approved products, and Wayans Brother movies. So don't get me any of that.
So, I hope to see you all my birthday party tomorrow and I hope you get me something on my wish list!
Fondly,
Your Country, America
PS. I also want a new bike.
Proper Dance Moves
by Streeter Seidell July 01, 2004
According to most hip hop videos I've seen, summertime is the perfect time to dance out on the street with your whole block. However, I'm going to assume that most people reading this don't live on a block and certainly don't dance there with all their friends. Hell, I bet a bunch of you can't even dance given the fact that I bet most of you are white.
Don't be ashamed, I can't dance either. When I hit the floor, I literally hit it"with my face. I have to be that drunk to even attempt dancing especially with a member of the opposite sex. Nothing, and I mean nothing, in this world is more openly laughed at than fat, white people dancing. That being the state if things, I choose to keep my booty the dance floor.
But don't give up hope yet. This is summer and musicians go on tour. Going to a concert is a perfect place to show everyone that you can dance at least a little bit. However, don't be so foolish as to try to perform the worm at a Tom Petty show. There is an appropriate time and music for every dance move and you are about to learn what they are.
Hip Hop Show: If you happen to be a white male and find yourself at a hip hop show, don't embarrass the rest of us by trying to emulate your black counterparts. They will always move better than you no matter how many steps you know. Let them gyrate and grind with all the attractive girls while you try this move; The Bob. The Bob is a simple dance which is most often seen at hip hop shows. Simply stand there, arms crossed and bob your head up and down to the beat. If you can't find the beat, look around to the other white people performing this move and follow them; at least one of them plays the drums. Every so often it is imperative to throw your hands in the air to show to everyone that, no you're not bored, you're just trying to keep a little dignity.
Jam Band Show: Break out the granola and hallucinogens, it's time to see some jam bands. If you attended Bonaroo or any Dave Matthews shows, you are certainly apt at The Twirl. The Twirl is done by lifting both your arms into the air and winding them around each other. With enough drugs, it appears that your arms are moving in and out of themselves. It's trippy dude. While doing this move, it is acceptable to spin around as well. And don't worry about any black people showing you up"there won't be any there.
Pop-Punk Show: I'm 15 and I'm pissed off at everything. What better way to channel your anger at your Dad for not letting you go to Tom's party than to attend a pop-punk show (see: Blink182, A New Found Glory, etc") The Skank used to be the preferred dance move at these shows but has since fell out of popularity because it was too complicated and not pissed enough. Enter The Fist Jump to fill its void. Simply stand in place, raise hand in fist, and jump up and down with the beat. If the beat eludes you, you'll have no choice but to find it because everyone else will be doing the same thing. To compliment this dance there are many verbal tools which can be yelled out such as "YEAHHHH", "WOOOOO" and "I HATE YOU DADDDDDD!"
Norah Jones Show: Step 1: Sit down. Step 2: Cross legs and arms. Step 3: Adjust tweed jacket and chinos to comfortable position. Step 4: Fiddle with black rimmed glasses. Step 5: Close eyes and nod to music. Step 6: Turn to English professor sitting next to you and say how it is so refreshing to see someone so talented and literate in the music industry. Step 7: Clap politely, pick up messenger bag, exit concert venue, write about how soothing the music was on your Blog.
Pop Princess Show: Join the 30,000 13 year-old girls on their way to see Jessica Simpson, Hillary Duff, or any of the other perky pop divas but remember to bring your pink tank top. Don't try any of your hot street moves here, the appropriate dance for these concerts is one known as The Reach. First seen among Elvis fans in the 50s, The Reach has been adopted by a whole new generation of kids. To do it right, lean up against the front railing while the singer is onstage and reach out to her with your hands. Crying is optional but encouraged. You want to show the singer how badly you want to be near her by straining all your arm muscles reaching towards her. Repeatedly screaming things like "JESSICA JESSICA!" or "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD" complete this easy to learn dance move.
Rolling Stones Show: Get the kids and the grandkids and the great-grandkids, it's time to teach them about what real rock n' roll sounds like. Stare in awe as Mick Jagger and his walker strut around the stage. Let yourself be amazed at how Keith Richards still continues to live. And then, when all the revering is done, cut loose with the Suburban Adult Clap-and-Sing Along. You can learn this dance simply watching your dad at a Stones show. He will stand and stare transfixed at the stage. He will sing every word sung by Jagger and he will clap. He might clap on beat, he might not. It doesn't matter. He will then tell you about how when he had a band back in the 60s, they used to cover this song. NOTE: Do not attempt this dance until you work in middle management, drive a sedan and have 1.2 acres outside the city.
Metal Show: Don't go.
Now get out there and show the world that you know how to shake that ass or, in your Mom's case, what's left of it.
Don't be ashamed, I can't dance either. When I hit the floor, I literally hit it"with my face. I have to be that drunk to even attempt dancing especially with a member of the opposite sex. Nothing, and I mean nothing, in this world is more openly laughed at than fat, white people dancing. That being the state if things, I choose to keep my booty the dance floor.
But don't give up hope yet. This is summer and musicians go on tour. Going to a concert is a perfect place to show everyone that you can dance at least a little bit. However, don't be so foolish as to try to perform the worm at a Tom Petty show. There is an appropriate time and music for every dance move and you are about to learn what they are.
Hip Hop Show: If you happen to be a white male and find yourself at a hip hop show, don't embarrass the rest of us by trying to emulate your black counterparts. They will always move better than you no matter how many steps you know. Let them gyrate and grind with all the attractive girls while you try this move; The Bob. The Bob is a simple dance which is most often seen at hip hop shows. Simply stand there, arms crossed and bob your head up and down to the beat. If you can't find the beat, look around to the other white people performing this move and follow them; at least one of them plays the drums. Every so often it is imperative to throw your hands in the air to show to everyone that, no you're not bored, you're just trying to keep a little dignity.
Jam Band Show: Break out the granola and hallucinogens, it's time to see some jam bands. If you attended Bonaroo or any Dave Matthews shows, you are certainly apt at The Twirl. The Twirl is done by lifting both your arms into the air and winding them around each other. With enough drugs, it appears that your arms are moving in and out of themselves. It's trippy dude. While doing this move, it is acceptable to spin around as well. And don't worry about any black people showing you up"there won't be any there.
Pop-Punk Show: I'm 15 and I'm pissed off at everything. What better way to channel your anger at your Dad for not letting you go to Tom's party than to attend a pop-punk show (see: Blink182, A New Found Glory, etc") The Skank used to be the preferred dance move at these shows but has since fell out of popularity because it was too complicated and not pissed enough. Enter The Fist Jump to fill its void. Simply stand in place, raise hand in fist, and jump up and down with the beat. If the beat eludes you, you'll have no choice but to find it because everyone else will be doing the same thing. To compliment this dance there are many verbal tools which can be yelled out such as "YEAHHHH", "WOOOOO" and "I HATE YOU DADDDDDD!"
Norah Jones Show: Step 1: Sit down. Step 2: Cross legs and arms. Step 3: Adjust tweed jacket and chinos to comfortable position. Step 4: Fiddle with black rimmed glasses. Step 5: Close eyes and nod to music. Step 6: Turn to English professor sitting next to you and say how it is so refreshing to see someone so talented and literate in the music industry. Step 7: Clap politely, pick up messenger bag, exit concert venue, write about how soothing the music was on your Blog.
Pop Princess Show: Join the 30,000 13 year-old girls on their way to see Jessica Simpson, Hillary Duff, or any of the other perky pop divas but remember to bring your pink tank top. Don't try any of your hot street moves here, the appropriate dance for these concerts is one known as The Reach. First seen among Elvis fans in the 50s, The Reach has been adopted by a whole new generation of kids. To do it right, lean up against the front railing while the singer is onstage and reach out to her with your hands. Crying is optional but encouraged. You want to show the singer how badly you want to be near her by straining all your arm muscles reaching towards her. Repeatedly screaming things like "JESSICA JESSICA!" or "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD" complete this easy to learn dance move.
Rolling Stones Show: Get the kids and the grandkids and the great-grandkids, it's time to teach them about what real rock n' roll sounds like. Stare in awe as Mick Jagger and his walker strut around the stage. Let yourself be amazed at how Keith Richards still continues to live. And then, when all the revering is done, cut loose with the Suburban Adult Clap-and-Sing Along. You can learn this dance simply watching your dad at a Stones show. He will stand and stare transfixed at the stage. He will sing every word sung by Jagger and he will clap. He might clap on beat, he might not. It doesn't matter. He will then tell you about how when he had a band back in the 60s, they used to cover this song. NOTE: Do not attempt this dance until you work in middle management, drive a sedan and have 1.2 acres outside the city.
Metal Show: Don't go.
Now get out there and show the world that you know how to shake that ass or, in your Mom's case, what's left of it.
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