Post-Grad To Do List

There comes a time in every young person's life when he or she must grow up. For me, that time is now. In two weeks I'll be a college graduate and begin the slow, often-depressing slide towards death. In preparation for this new chapter in my life, I have rigged this handy to-do list to help acclimate me to life as an adult.

*Develop cocaine habit to fit in with stockbroker friends

*Stop crushing beer cans against my head. Drink only from bottles.

*Stop smoking cigarettes, start smoking cigars

*Buy cool phone that I can't operate.

*Throw out posters, buy paintings

*Stop using "Phat"�, "Tight"� and "Whaaaaat"� in sentences.

*Light farts on fire only in privacy of own home.

*Cut toenails more than once every three months.

*Learn what a hedge funds are, talk about them at parties.

*Reduce toilet time by 40%.

*Go to bed before the sun rises, wake up before it sets.

*Train myself to think of Thursday as a weekday instead of the weekend.

*Refrain from doodling in notebooks at work meetings, although at CollegeHumor this behavior may be acceptable.

*Talk to girls as if they are people, not objects for my sexual amusement.

*Try to rid myself of nickname "Stinkfinger."�

*Change voicemail message from "Heeeeey, this is Streeter. I rule. Leave me a message and I'll call you back if you're cool enough"¦ROCK!"� to "Hello, this is Streeter's voicemail, please leave a message."�

*No more beer bongs no matter what my unemployed friends say.

*Keep weed stash in sophisticated wooden box on coffee table, not in old plastic bag in sock drawer.

*Reduce calls home from 3 per week to 2 (unless money is involved).

*Enjoy drinking coffee instead of drinking it out of habit.

*Stop enjoying Natty Light altogether.

*Use prescription drugs for their intended purposes.

*Stop being nostalgic for high school, start being nostalgic for college.

*Phase out term "Tits"� from vocabulary, replace with "breasts."�

*Increase use of phrase, "Ah, those were the days."�

*Start considering girlfriends less as part-time ass companions and more as prospective full-time ass companions.

*Use grown-up laugh instead of childish giggle in use now.

*End phone calls with "Alright, I'll talk to you soon. Goodbye"� instead of "Lata son, take "˜er sleazy!"�

*Stop using hangover as an excuse not to do work, use depression instead.

*Refrain from all "hey, smell this"�-type interactions with work friends.

*Use stove for cooking, not as storage place for empty beer cans.

*Use microwave for cooking, not as experimental pyrotechnic device.

*Stop eating after midnight, stop not eating before midnight and stop eating Taco Bell altogether.

*I am no longer a child therefore I will stop talking like one when I want something. "But Mommmm, pweeeeze?"�

*I no longer have to eat all the Doritos, I can save some for later.

I think by adhering to these simple rules I should make it as an adult fine. If you have any ideas how you should conduct yourself, please shoot me an email at streeter@streeterseidell.com and I'll compile a list on my website!

The Streety Awards V

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the voting for the fifth Streety Awards. The Streetys are decided by you, not some overpaid industry "expert" sitting around sipping mochas and lighting Cubans with his intern's hair. Also, the Streetys cover all manner of entertainment while ignoring such awards as "best digital sound editing" and "best use of duct tape on a soap opera set" so you get to the good stuff. Without further ado, here are your nominees for the fifth Streety Awards!


Celebrity That Would Make The Best Homeless Person
1. Rob Schneider
2. Vincent Gallo
3. Benicio Del Toro
4. Pauly Shore (may actually be homeless)

Best Name For Imaginary Car
1. VW SkyLyte
2. Honda Doric
3. Toyota Gilgamesh
4. KIA Sausalito

Funniest Joke God Played On Us
1. Farts
2. Monkeys who smoke
3. Sun Showers
4. Paris Hilton

Great Name For Britney and Kevin's Baby
1. Tiara
2. Lacrosse
3. Oops
4. Kareer-Killar

Best New Percent Of Milk
1. 3 ½ %
2. 0.2%
3. 96%
4. Just Milk (5%)

Best New Soda Flavor
1. Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper
2. Lime Coca Cola
3. Birch Beer Flavored Root Beer
4. Cheese Coca Cola (Parmesan)

Best Way To Say "˜Yeah, I Party"¦HARD!"�
1. Say, "Yeah, I party"¦HARD!"�
2. Burn down house with grain alcohol, say, "Yeah, I party"¦HARD!"�
3. Get house dog drunk, wait till it passes out, grab its mouth and make it look like it's saying, "Yeah, I party"¦HARD!"�
4. Drink bottle of Jack Daniels in one sip, stare down housemates, go in bedroom with housemate's girlfriend.

Best TV Show That Will Probably Be Cancelled
1. Family Guy (for the third time)
2. Con
3. Arrested Development
4. Lost

Worst Mother's Day Present
1. Half Eaten Salmon
2. Father's Day Card
3. Unborn Child courtesy of some dude at Alpha House party in January
4. "Mother's day"¦what's that?"�

Snowboard/Skateboard Trick That Sounds Dirty
1. Buttering the Muffin
2. Heelflip
3. Boned-out Tailgrab
4. Stalefish

Best Sarcastic, Wisecrackin' TV Actor
1. Topher Grace (Eric, That 70's Show)
2. Adam Brody (Seth, The OC)
3. John C. McGinley (Dr. Cox, Scrubs)
4. Ray Romano (Ray Romano, Everybody Loves"¦never mind, he's not going to win)

Coolest Mom in High School
1. Mrs. Fields
2. Mrs. Thomson
3. Ms. Carlyle
4. Oh, just call me Rachel.

Next Cool Thing Cell Phones Will Do
1. Pay your taxes
2. Spy on you for the government
3. Block people you don't like from calling without even asking
4. Tell your fortune accurately

Best Kind of Cookie
1. Double Chocolate Chip
2. Macadamia Nut
3. Sugar
4. Legume with vinegar

Best Name For My fake Company I'm Forming To Get Tax Benefits
1. Techcom industries
2. Vibrant Dream Productions
3. Alopecia Ltd.
4. Streeter's Awesome Company of Stuff

Would You Sleep With Me? (Women only please, men skip to next question)
1. Maybe
2. No"¦well, how much money do you make?
3. No, but my sister will.
4. Definitely"¦the perfect way to get back at Dad.

Can I Watch You Sleep With Your Girlfriend? (Men only, women refer to previous question)
1. Okay, but no touching"¦no, not even yourself.
2. No, but you can make us some tea for after
3. How good is your vision?
4. As long as you pay for her, Starla is expensive.

Greatest Human Achivement of the Last 15 Minutes
1. Greg Tambolt staples finger to desk and doesn't notice
2. Mary Tilford watches entire episode of Blue Collar TV without changing channel.
3. Will "Kill-a-Keg"� Mortin actually does dishes in frat house
4. Midget fails to see the irony in riding a tiny Razor Scooter.


Send your votes to streeter@streeterseidell.com and remember, write-ins are welcome!