Beer and college go together like stealing your mom’s cigarettes and middle school. Therefore, you’ll probably be drinking a lot of it over your college career. You’ll drink it in plastic cups, in bottles, in cans and even out of Brother Stinkfinger’s ass crack. Yes, beer truly is a wonderful beverage but what signals are you sending out to others when you drink it? Could drinking different kinds of beer really affect the way people think of you? Of course it can! Snap judgments based on minor details are as American as it gets (see: racism) so sit back, crack a cold one and learn about how you make a statement with beer.
Fratty
Brews: Bud Lite, Coors Light, Natty, Bud Ice, Beast.

“Awwwwww YEAH! Check this shit out, dude. I can’t talk long cuz I got some freshman tail waiting up in my room but before I get to hitting that shit I wanted to tell you this fucking hilarious thing I said the other day. So I’m on the way to my Lax game and this chick comes running up to me….HEY! Pledge! Did I just see you blink? Did I? What’s the rule, bitch? That’s right, no blinking for the ENTIRE pledge period. Go bring me a fresh Natty…naked. NOW! Ok, sorry dude, pledgemaster business. What was I saying? Oh yeah, so I’m on the way to my Lax game and this field hockey girl comes up to me and says, “hey, can you hold my stick?� So I go…

People You Hate XXXIII

It's been so long since we've had a chance to spread the hate around. For those of you new to the game, it's very simple: you send me you hate, I put it here and the rest, as they say, is history. You can check out all the hate coming in at The Famous Hate List and send me your stuff at Streeter@streeterseidell.com, just make sure to include your name, school and whether or not you'd like to be added to my subscriber list. Also, swing by StreeterSeidell.com if you've got a minute. Now, let's get to it.


MINE:

Crab Walkers - The sidewalk is a crowded place and I don't have time for your side-stepping shenanigans. This isn't a fucking country line dance, you fat shit, so stop swerving back and forth like a drunk redneck. When you walk down the street pick a goddamned line to walk in and follow it. It's not that difficult: left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, etc. How am I ever supposed to get past you swaying ass if you keep walking to the left, then right, then left again? You've got twelve people stuck behind you like a drunk driver on the highway that everyone's afraid to try to pass. Learn how to walk like a grown up or go back to riding around on your daddy's shoulders, you dumb fucks...I Hate You!

Marty the Movie Man - I like the movies a lot: I like the popcorn, the excitement, the greasy film that seems to cover your face after watching a long one. I even like the occasional funny comment during the previews, but man, when that movie comes on, shut the fuck up. I'm not talking about the "oh no he didn't's," I made my peace with them a long time ago. I'm talking about the people who are quieter in their expressions at the movies: "Oh wow, that's gotta hurt," "honey, look at how realistic those dinosaurs are," and "This scene reminds me of that one in "Big," remember? With the piano? No?" Sir, if you wouldn't mind, could you please hold your useless, moronic, annoying observations till the end of the film? Your fat wife doesn't seem to enjoy them and the rest of us, well, we know the mansion in the film is "bigger than hell" so you don't need to inform us every time it comes on the screen. If there's any justice in this world you'll burn in hell for all eternity and the devil will let me sit next to him saying, "Jeeeeeeeez, that doesn't look like a good time," "Wowie, look at the blisters on that guy," and "Yikes, turn him over, I think he's done"...I Hate You!

YOURS:

Dan L. from University Albany: I'm sure I don't stand alone when I say how much I hate the complete homosexuals who feel the need to post 1 or more pictures of themselves shirt free on facebook. Granted facebook is a complete waste of time and nothing more than legal internet stalking of some hot freshman girls that you can "poke"(not saying I am not a member), I still feel you have a responsibility to not be a complete douche bag. Is it a complete necessity to show the entire student population on your campus that you go to the gym 6 times a week to "get cut". One of the few (and by few I mean few only relating to this subject) other things that annoys me worse than that picture of you at the beach sans your shirt, is the one of you in your dorm room with your camera on a 10 second timer flexing. Everybody knows that you would have no friends, except maybe ones as gay as you, that would take a picture of you flexing and not think you were a complete tool. So CONGRADULATIONS you are muscular and the entire facebook community knows and probably respects you a lot less for blatantly showing them, granted you could maybe kick my ass that does not change the fact that you think you are cool because you have muscles and feel the need to show the world via facebook and/or your overly tight AX shirt that you wear to the crappy bars around your college.

David V. from Texas A&M: I hate all the idiots in movies who try to look like badasses by wearing sunglasses inside or at night. OK we get it your cool, you have a sword/shotgun/etc. and you like to kill shit. There's no fucking reason for your dumbass to be wearing sunglasses at night or inside. It makes you look like a douchebag. The most notable example that I can think of is the "badass" in Scarface that gives Al Pacino a shotgun to the back. At night, WITH SUNGLASSES ON. No wonder he has to shoot him in the back like a pussy. He probably spent 5 minutes trying to see who he was looking at through those dark lenses. Take off the sunglasses you douchebag!!

Dan from Michigan State: I hate all the Non-Smoking Nazis in this country. I'm okay with bans on smoking in public buildings and such; I can go outside, no big deal. But then you assholes come out of the building and bitch at me because I'm smoking near where you want to walk. Don't come at me with your idiot complaints and remarks. Next time you come up to me and tell me "That really smells great, thanks a lot."�, and then look at me like I'm the scum of the earth for fouling up your air, I'm just going to say "You're welcome."�, and then blow a big puff of smoke right in your ugly, self-righteous face. Are you honestly complaining about having to deal with a mildly offensive odor for a brief period of time, or do you somehow believe that the tiny amount of smoke you inhale as you pass by is going to kill you? I know smoking causes cancer and all, but the amount of smoke you manage to inhale before the wind blows the rest away will, in your entire lifetime, add up to like two cigarettes, at most. And if you don't want to deal with second hand smoke in a restaurant or bar, then you choose a non-smoking venue, you don't have to make it so every bar and restaurant is non-smoking by law; I like a cigarette with my beer damn it! Why the bloody fuck should non-smokers get every bar in town? And don't walk up to me on the street and tell me how unhealthy it is. I have that information already, and if it didn't keep me from buying my first pack, how the hell do you think it's going make me stop. I like my deadly carcinogens, thank you, and I'll quit when I fucking feel like it.

Jamie B. from the University of Redlands: I hate the fucking assholes who recline all throughout an 8 hour flight. As soon as the plane is going down the runway you shove your seat as far back as it can go and sit there with your headrest shoved into my face. Then you proceed to sit there reading your shitty book or listening to shitty music turned up so loud that I can hear it. You never actually sleep, but make lots of groaning noises and yawn a lot. How do I know this? Because I am actually sitting halfway upright and your stupid ass is lying on your seat like it's a bed. If you really need to recline this much buy a seat in first class you stupid fuck. Oh how I wish I could make your seat snap back to its upright position and catapult your douchebag head into the seat in front of you. You don't even put your seat upright during meals you fucking cunt rag, when the flight attendant asks you to you groan and slowly put your seat halfway up, once she leaves you put it back down, at least not all the way so you can still reach your food, but your headrest is fucking smashed into my food you asshat. Then when the meal is gone I jam my knees into your seat so you cant fucking recline into my lap again and you fucking bang the seat backwards to try and get it to recline. Fuck you stupid fucking douche nozzle you fucking piece of shit, next time I have to sit behind one of you fuckers I'm going to switch seats with a little baby who will cry and kick the back of your seat the whole time. How about that, asshole? Think about that as you lie back in your seat, making the person behind you consider the best way to stab you in the head with the flimsy plastic knife on the meal tray. I really fucking hate you!!!

Amanda K. from Pitt: I hate the fuckers who refuse to spend money on soda at restaurants and ask for a water cup instead but then still get soda--you have screwed us all over. I don't drink soda, I actually get the water. But due to you lying cheap-ass bastards, I have to get a cup about the size of a thimble for my water. I want a big fucking glass. But no, I am forced to drink out of something that might as well be my little sister's Barbie's glass because the stores need a way to manage people like you. Please start paying the fucking 2 bucks, get the damn soda, and let me get a big glass; I'm thirsty!

Katie Y. from New York: I hate people who think they're 'ghetto.' First off, ghetto is not an adjective. And also, if you have to be bragging about how ghetto you are, you probably aren't very ghetto at all. My school is a fabulous example of this. I go to school in wonderful Westchester, NY, preppy-people capital of America. And they all think they're black. These are white Jewish kids from Westchester who think that exercise is walking the whole block to the Starbucks, wearing not one but TWO pop-collar pastel polo shirts and talking on their Sidekick the whole time. And they think they're ghetto. It drives me insane. You know who you are.

Kyle I. from the working world: Gotti-boy wannabe: You can always find this asshole at a bar downtown that he thinks is trendy, he will be wearing his Armani exchange shirt that he bought off of ebay and his fake diamond studs in his ear. But you can always tell this asshole by his haircut, the blow out, he apparently enjoys looking like sonic the hedge hog. He usually has been on way to much steroids and tans entirely way too much. Now I am not against guys trying to make themselves look good but good lord take yourself out of the oven and look in the mirror you are officially a douche and I HATE YOU.


That's all the hate for now, but make sure to send yours in to Streeter@Streeter@streeterseidell.com Swing by StreeterSeidell.com and The Famous Hate List for more of that complaining you love oh so much.

When the people who represent Jenna Dewan - dancer, actress, sexy lady - contacted CollegeHumor about doing an interview, we knew we'd hit pay dirt. Not because Jenna is a sultry dancer/actress with a new movie coming out (which is true), but because we had a crush on her in fifth grade. Well, not all of us, one of us in particular: Josh Abramson, CollegeHumor's co-founder. It seems that fifth grade Josh thought Jenna was the height of beauty and to this day firmly backs up his crush by repeatedly saying, "look, she was really pretty for a fifth grader."� Now that the FBI has given back our computers, it's time to share the interview with the world.

Oh, and to prove that Josh and Jenna did indeed know each other all those years ago, they will be speaking through their fifth grade yearbook pictures, while I will be represented by a child model.

Josh Abramson: So you wanna talk about the movie?

Streeter Seidell: Yeah, the movie.

Jenna Dewan: Sure, um, well this movie is basically the first movie I ever did. It's a horror movie. It's scary. It's freaky. It's basically a remake of Carrie. My character's into witchcraft, but dies in a school prank. Of course she comes back is to seeking revenge on everyone who wronged her. But the cool thing is. I don't go and kill them. I just fuck with their heads and do really manipulative stuff, and they end up doing crazy things. It's a really cool movie.

S: So they end up hurting themselves?

J: Yeah, either hurting themselves or I create a situation where they get hurt. You know, creepy things.

S: Why after Tamara dies does she come back?

J: The whole thing is about my teacher. I'm in love with him in the movie and have a big crush on him. Before I am killed, I cast this spell to make him want me.

S: Does it work? Do you get him?

J: Well, I can't just tell you.

JA: Were there any people from, like, grade school or elementary school who you had a crush on or something? Particularly later on in elementary, like 5th grade for example? Maybe they influenced you in this role?

J: (to herself) Hmmm, did I have any crushes?


JA: From 5th grade

J: From 5th grade?

JA: Specifically

J: There was this one guy named Josh. He had brown hair, we went to Pot Springs together. I heard he works in internet stuff now. Have you heard of him? He really influenced me in this role.

JA: I don't know, maybe. There's a good possibility I know him.

S: I was going to say he's a dirty blonde, but I guess it's more brown in the winter.

Silence

S: Ah, I see. So, does this movie have the fun aspect that Final Destination had with the deaths? Where, like the deaths are very gruesome but put together in a fun way?

J: We have one death I can't even watch, it grosses me out. Without giving it all away, I am manipulating this guy's mind and he has to act out what I want him to do and it's really creepy and cool and gory. I always wanted to do a horror movie but I am so glad that I wasn't the one running away crying and screaming and taking my top off. It's so not like that at all in this movie. I am the villainess.

S: There's no top taking off?

J: Well there is, but not nudity.

S: Alright, well we're done here.

More Silence

S: So, since this movie is about an ugly gross girl who turns hot, is there anyone from fifth grade who you two both thought was gross?

J: Oh, Chris (redacted). He was a smoker. He lived next to me and he was bad. He was mean to his mom. He would force himself around me, come over to my house and freak me out. My dad - who's this big football player - went over to talk to him. I think he was like, "you touch my daughter and I'll fucking kill you."�

JA: It's weird because what can you really do to a fifth grade kid? You can't actually, like, beat them up.

S: Yes you can.

More Silence

S: So, do you have any crazy fans?

J: I danced with Janet Jackson on one of her tours and there was this guy that came to all the shows. He started this website and it was a little weird. But I was like, okay... just a fan. Well recently, somehow he got my cellphone number and he knows where I live. And he was like terrorizing me!

S: Do you want to talk about dancing some?

J: I've been dancing since I was about six. I moved out to LA for college and I was fortunate enough to get booked in a Janet Jackson video. I ended up going on tour with her for a year and a half. That led to dancing with N'SYNC and Justin Timberlake and some more videos, Ricky Martin.

S: How do you feel about the movie "Honey?"

J: It was a fun movie to watch, glossy and pretty. But as a dancer, I noticed some things that most people wouldn't necessarily catch.

S: Who's a better dancer, Justin Timberlake or Janet Jackson?

J: Good question. Really good question. They're different. Um, I don't know, this is hard. Janet has stage presence, she's so powerful when you look at her. But Justin can do anything... um, I think I might

JA: Sounds like a Justin.

S: I think it's Justin.

J: Only because I'm judging on versatility.

JA: So when you danced with Justin was it pre-Britney or post-Britney?

J: Post-Britney.

JA: Pre-Cameron?


J: Yeah, post-Britney, pre-Cameron.

S: I think we have a new way for people to note time periods. You know, I heard Justin is apparently taking voice lessons to lower his voice because he's getting passed up for movie rolls because of his high voice. What would you say to him to encourage him?


J: I don't think it's high. I like it. I'm sure he'll be just fine with the voice he has. That's interesting gossip.

S: We're really plugged in around here.

JA: Page 6 comes to us for information.

S: Finally, what can a regular old college guy do to impress a famous girl such as yourself?

J: I am extremely romantic and down to earth. Anything that's sincere and straightforward just works every time with me. Does that mean I'm easy? I'd rather be with someone that makes me laugh than anything else.

JA: Knock, knock.

J: Who's there?

JA: You're the love of my life and I haven't stopped thinking about you since you moved away in fifth grade.

S: Loser.


Be sure to check out more of Jenna in Tamara coming soon to a theater near you! (always wanted to say that)

Baby, you're so good to me and I don't think I thank you enough for it. Like - for Christmas - when you made me that card and got me that coupon book from CVS; that's so much more thoughtful than just going to the store and buying me an iPod case like I asked for or paying back the $735 I lent you to bail your mom out after that incident.

Or when you woke me up that morning with breakfast in bed; that was so sweet. Now honey, I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but I've never really liked Jack Daniels for breakfast - I'm more of a Grape Nuts guy. I know you want to share the things you like with me, but 160 proof whiskey at 9 AM isn't something I feel I can do on a regular basis. Aw Hell, who am I kidding, I'd do it for you baby!

Oh, you know what I never thanked you for? Coming to my grandmother's wake with me. I know that must have been hard for you, what with me being so distraught and my whole family in tears. It was so sweet how you took my Nana's rings off when you thought no one was watching you; but I was. It's amazing how you knew that she would have wanted me to have them instead of burying them in the ground. She would have really liked you, baby, liked you a lot. Can I have those by the way?

Sometimes it's the big things you do for me that make me say, "I want to spend the rest of life with this divine creature." I don't think I have to remind you of the New Year's party last year. Yes, I was being an idiot and drank a little too much to drive. And even though I said I was fine to drive, you took the car and you sold it to a chop shop. At first I was mad, but then I realized that if I'm not mature enough to control my drinking then I am not mature enough to own a car. You're going to make such a great mother, the way you can teach people life's little lessons like that. Plus, that fur coat you got with the car money looks beautiful on you and - ahh, I hate to admit it - but walking to work is good for that spare tire I've been growing around my waist since college.

But then again, sometimes it's the little things you do that make me look upon your angel face with loving adore. I'll be the first to admit that I can get a little lazy when it comes to training my dog, Bundy. But not you, no way. With one swift swing of the baseball bat, you did what ten months of patient training couldn't teach him; that it is not ok to sit on the couch. Oh, and in case you're worried about him, the vet said his rib cage will heal in a few months and - even though he'll never see again - his sense of smell was only slightly damaged. Hey, dogs practically see with their noses anyway, right?...right?

I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you. Thank you for always looking out for me and my bank account (I would have spent it all if you hadn't taken most of it for safe-keeping!). I guess I just want to say, "I love you" and let you know, sincerely, that, baby, you're so good to me.


Check out StreeterSeidell.com for more.