Articles from Fordham

759 Total 51 Pictures 2 Videos 2 R-Rated 704 Articles

  • Judging By Soda

    by Streeter Seidell February 23, 2006
    People love soda, there's no arguing that. Soda is so popular that people have convinced themselves that drinking Sprite after playing basketball is a good idea and that Coca Cola is somehow enjoyed by polar bears and penguins alike - the only thing polar bears and penguins both enjoy is tasty fish"and not being bludgeoned to death by fur traders. Anyways, we really love soda "round these parts and there's no better way to tell what kind of person someone is just by finding out which kind of soda they like. It's like making judgments based on race, except that nobody is going to get all "oh no he didn't' on you.

    Coke - No, not the kind everyone in your frat totally just does "for fun, like, on the weekends and shit"what? I'm not addicted"; the kind you drink, silly. A typical Coke drinker has his stuff together. He knows what he wants and he's not afraid to ingest a few extra pounds of processed sugar every year to get it. He probably listens to OAR and DMB and any other band whose name can be represented by three letters. Most of all though, a Coke drinker is a Coke drinker for life. Don't even think about bringing a Pepsi near this guy; he just might make a quiet comment about how he "just likes coke better' and go back to listening to Live at Luther College. What a fucking maniac!

    Diet Coke - Unlike regular Coke, this fun-free version of soda is for those with horrible body image. They all pretend to enjoy the taste of Diet Coke but, let's be honest, if people liked the taste of flat artificial sweetener sales of DayQuil would be through the roof. No, a Diet Coke drinker lives in an un-ending cycle of depression, insecurity and tasteless mouth phlegm. Also, unlike real Coke drinkers, Diet Coke drinkers - always conscious of their bodies - are far more likely to enjoy the powdered version.

    Sprite - If you drink Sprite you're one of two things: black, or desperately trying to be. Sprite is almost exclusively marketed to black, urban youths and has found a home in the taste buds of the next generation of people your Grandparents will hate for no real reason at all. Sprite is also marketed as a great post-basketball cocktail, which is just ridiculous: the last thing anyone wants after playing an intense game of b-ball is to suck back on a beverage that is so crisp and bubbly it actually brings tears of pain to your eyes. Oh, and if any black people are wondering why there is still racism in this country, I have found the answer: that stupid little doll in all the commercials. "Show them my motto!" he shrieks at every commercial break; a shameless, minstrel show parody of a black man. Way to go Sprite; between you and McDonalds, we'll have separate water fountains by 2010.

    Pepsi - Whoa, you're a fucking rebel, brah! Most Pepsi drinkers like to fancy themselves anti-establishment. They probably listen to punk or emo and blame anything they can on their parents, who are probably nice, middleclass folks trying as hard as they can to give their children better lives than they had. Selfish brats. Anyways, the Pepsi drinker - being anti, remember - will denounce anything that becomes popular, except Pepsi, they'll always love Pepsi. Someday they may get a real job and stop trying to be a rock star, but they'll always keep a Pepsi stashed away somewhere in the garage just to remember what it was like to have a dream. Some say that Pepsi tastes better than Coke and some disagree, but I think we can all agree on one thing: people who drink RC Cola are weird and probably dangerous.

    A&W Root Beer - People who like root beer most likely are sexual deviants. Sure, they can have sex the normal way but they're more likely to ask you to do something weird. "So you want me to put my toe where?" you'll find yourself saying if you hook up with a root beer drinker. Why are root beer enthusiasts - or Rooties, as they prefer to be called - so strange? It has something to do with maturing very quickly. You see, Rooties do everything early and, when they are of an appropriate age to engage in sexual practices, they have probably been there and, literally, done that. Why else would they want to drink a beer-like beverage as children? I think I've made my (incorrect) point.

    Ginger Ale - Ginger Ale drinkers are a special case. As far as I know, Ginger Ale is the only soda with proven medicinal value. Therefore, it is difficult to know if a G.A. drinker has a chronically upset stomach or is an old geezer trapped in the body of a young loser. I can understand drinking this swill if your stomach feels like someone is living inside it, twisting your innards with a wrench, but drinking this garbage for fun or pleasure is beyond the grasp of all human understanding. Ginger Ale is, in my opinion, the only soda that tastes so bad you have to dump hard alcohol in it to make it tolerable.

    Jolt - Here's a novel idea: make a soda that tastes very similar to Coke but with enough caffeine to scare away most speed addicts. If you're drinking Jolt past the age of twelve, you were probably raised in a very religious home where your parents didn't let you do anything fun. For you, that lightening bolt-inscribed can is liquid rebellion you and Jesus can feel good about. For everyone else though, it's just pathetic. You're a grownup now; if you want to stay up late and be jittery try your roommates Ritalin instead.

    7-Up - Come to think of it, I haven't seen anyone drinking 7-Up in about five years. Do they still make that crap?

    Caffeine Free Diet Coke - As far as I know, my dad is the only person in the country who enjoys this soda. If you're interested in trying this brew experience it the same way my dad does by following these simple steps:
    1.Leave soda on counter for two weeks to get it warm
    2.Open soda
    3.DO NOT replace the top
    4.Wait another week letting soda morph into flat tar
    5.Remove pants, sit in recliner and turn on Law and Order: SVU
    6.Enjoy!

    Jones Soda - How's that Mango Chutney Ginger Cola treating you, you fucking freak.
    View Article


    Like it? You Like it! (2) Comment (1)

  • CollegeHumor Interview with Ron White

    by Streeter Seidell February 14, 2006
    Many of you probably know Ron White and if you don't, you would probably recognize him. He's the shaggy blonde-haired, chain-smoking, heavy drinking, suit-wearing member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. His shtick is closer to Seinfeld's than Foxworthy's but he maintains a southern attitude and outlook through and though. He's often described as the "least southern' of the quartet (Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall and Larry the Cable Guy) but he's found a home in the hearts of those less inclined to pronounce their "ing's." I had the pleasure of talking to him a week ago about smoking, comedy, scotch, Snoop Dogg and his new CD/DVD, "You Can't Fix Stupid."

    Streeter: I saw you on Leno last night. How was that? Sitting next to Snoop and everything?

    Ron White: I'm not really much of a hip-hop guy, I'm more familiar with his work from "Girls Gone Wild". Fantastic. He was very cool, we talked afterwards. He's got a great vibe. I just think he's a wonderful fella.

    S: You seemed really comfortable there. You don't see many guests on shows talking to the other guests.

    RW: Well, I had been drinking a little scotch earlier that afternoon. And Jay was a little surprised that I was gonna come out with a cigar and a scotch.

    S: He said that the last time someone smoked on there was"

    RW: George Goebel. That's 20 years.

    S: You're really breaking down barriers everywhere you go. On the show you're smoking a cigar. Normally don't you smoke cigarettes?

    RW: No, I quit smoking cigarettes 2 years ago.

    S: Really?

    RW: Yeah, and with the $80 a month I'm saving not smoking cigarettes, I'm smoking $700 worth of cigars.

    S: Tell me a little bit about getting started. You said that Jeff Foxworthy helped you out a lot?

    RW: Well, getting started, Jeff helped me out a lot. He sat me down the first day I ever started, he was the head of the club Arlington, Texas Funny Bone, showed me how to restructure my three jokes, and he told me the famous quote of his, he said: "You're real funny but you need to put the punch line at the end of the joke." I was like, he was nobody at the time, just a low paid headliner, and he had only been doing standup for probably 4 years, but he got good so fast. So we sat down, he was that generous even then, to a brand new comedian, and rewrote the jokes to where they worked. I mean they worked before, but whatever I would say, I would say the funny part, but I would have something else to say, and it would step on the laugh. Then we played golf together the next day, and we were in a car wreck, and we've been friends ever since.

    S: You're recently married and your wife comes up a lot in your standup. How does she react to her being the butt of so many jokes?

    RW: Well she keeps the paychecks, so that takes the sting out of it. She really doesn't. I mean, where she and I get sideways is I'll be doing an interview in my office and her office is next to mine at home, and you don't know the kind of questions you're going to get. Last week someone said, "Who do you think is the sexiest actress on television, or actress period?" And I said, "Halle Berry, she just makes me drool." Well this sticks in my wife's craw. She goes, "You really hurt my feelings." And I'm like, "you know what, quit listening to my goddamn interviews. I can't say wait a minute, I'd rather not answer that question because my wife might be offended. I don't want to look like a dick-less piece of shit."

    S: I was going to ask you about movies vs. live comedy. Would you rather be on TV sketches doing standup or do you like the live audience?

    RW: Oh I only like the live audience. I don't even like to do standup where it's being filmed. Because it affects the way the audience responds to what you say, because it makes them uncomfortable. You have to perform in a light room, and I prefer a dark room. But I love to perform, and I don't really see myself doing any television at all, and maybe some movies, but standup, you know, it's not a means to an end with me. Not a "one-trick pony" that's what I'm saying.

    S: I did read that you are developing an animated series for TBS.

    RW: That I'm really interested in.

    S: Want to tell us a little bit more about the premise?

    RW: It's just they call it "Tater Salad" and it's just me as a character in an animated series, and the guy that's directing it is one of the creators of Family Guy, and the head writer used to run The Simpsons. So we got some really good people. They like my voice for cartoons, so we'll see. We're making a pilot right now--a seven-minute version of the cartoon, and after that they can buy whatever they want to buy. But that interests me, because I can do the voice work in Atlanta, and I don't like to go out to LA very much.

    S: I know you refuse to mention it on the CD, but what do you drink on stage?

    RW: Well on that DVD it was 25 year-old McAllen.

    S: That's some good stuff.

    RW: That's like a $450 bottle of scotch.

    S: Just whatever's lying around, huh?

    RW: Well the venues have to give it to me, it's on my rider.

    S: What else is on there?

    RW: That's it.

    S: That's it, just scotch?

    RW: Yep.

    S: I wanted to know your influences as a comedian, who do you like, who's your favorite comedian?

    RW: Well, Bill Hicks is easily the best comedian I've ever seen.

    S: Is it just Hicks?

    RW: No that's not true, I still love Carlin to this day, and Cosby, I'd pay to see Cosby. I don't know which one influenced me more, or anybody, I think it's just a combination of me being a big comedy fan. Doug Stanhope, if you can get him to perform, is just a stitch. He's great. You can get his stuff mostly online, funniest shit, I was just listening to stuff of his on the comedy channel, it was just killing me. I like Lisa Lampanelli, I think Nick DiPaolo just cracks me up. Larry the Cable Guy makes me laugh. Offstage he's just the quickest witted person I've ever met.

    S: I've always just wondered if that was just a character he plays.

    RW: Well his father was a preacher and a pig farmer, so in it much of a character. But he's a lot smarter than you think he is, you know. He's actually a brilliant guy, but he's a hick. A brilliant hick; just like Foxworthy.

    S: Finally if you could say one piece of advice to our readers - who are mostly stoned college kids - what would it be?

    RW: Vaporize. Don't smoke.

    Ron's new CD/DVD "You Can't Fix Stupid" is out now and be sure to swing by his website, TaterSalad.com
    View Article


    Like it? You Like it! (1) Comments (0)

  • Being A Man In Winter

    by Streeter Seidell February 12, 2006
    There is no doubt that many of you are men - after all, look at the pictures we put up. And there is also no doubt that men will do just about anything to appear strong, confident, sensitive and most of all, powerful. All of these traits are inherent to manliness: that sweet sense of gender-based superiority that the glass ceiling, our physical attributes, our testosterone pumping adrenal glands and our grizzled grandfathers have instilled in us from time immortal. Manliness also holds its own sexual pull, you only have to look to the beach to see it: the men with the muscles get the hot girls while the men with the flab or the skinny arms make sand castles and poke at their under-used genitals.

    It is with this in mind that the average manly-man faces a dilemma when winter rolls around: how can I show off with all these clothes on? During the spring or summer or even the fall a manly-man is given plenty of opportunity to showcase his toned body and his impressive physical power. He can lie out on the beach, remove his clothing during yard work or simply play a good old-fashioned game of greased-up naked football. But in the cold winter months simple human frailty will not allow for you to remove any clothing, lest you feel like spending weeks blowing mucus from your face and drinking so much chicken broth you become immune to bird flu. So, how is a man such as myself or even you - as I'm sure most of you reading an internet column in your dorm room are fine physical specimens like me - going to impress the ladies this winter? And, even more troubling, how are you going to show her how sensitive you can be when you're too cold to help kittens down from trees or sacrifice your coat so she doesn't step in a puddle? Funny I should pretend you asked, because I have a whole article written on the subject just below. Shall we?

    Nothing says "winter" quite like snow. And nothing says "C'MON YOU MOTHERFUCKER, C'MON BITCH, YEAH, GIVE DADDY SOME TRACTION, ASSHOLE, CMON!!!" quite like trying to get a car out of the snow. Even with their roaring engines and 4 beefy cylinders of power, many Honda Civic and Geo Metros find snow an insurmountable challenge. But that's where you come in. Nothing - literally nothing - impresses ladies more than men who use their strength to help others (did somebody say "Batman?'). The scene: you and a lady friend are enjoying a nice stroll in the snow when you see a motorist uselessly trying to drive his car out of the snow. "Hold on, baby," you say to her and run off to help the poor man free his trapped Kia Sedona from it's snowy coffin. "Give it some gas," you say as you take your position behind the vehicle. "That's it, a little more"" and then you throw your full weight into the bumper. Like magic, the little car that could breaks free from winter's clutches and skids happily down the road, destroying mailboxes and rearview mirrors all the way. You turn to your lady and casually smirk because, hey, what's so hard about MOVING A FUCKING CAR WITH YOUR BARE HANDS!? She swoons and admires you; her strong, helpful ridiculously powerful boyfriend. The thing is moving a car stuck in the snow is one of the easiest things in the world. You basically just have to put a shoulder into it and the car's spinning tires will do the rest. Of course, women don't know this so to them you have just moved an object that weight a ton or two without even breaking a sweat. Silly women, if they'd only leave the kitchen for a minute or two, they'd learn so much. Oh well, genetics are genetics"

    Since you've already basically proven to her that nothing in the world is more powerful than your auto-moving muscles, we need to show her your sensitive side. Inside the heart of every woman lives a desire to find a man who can be caring and nurturing. It's true. Even the girl who spends her nights dancing on bars, drinking tequila from another girl's navel and doling out over-the-pants handies to half the dudes in the frat houses an internal, matronly desire. It is because of this that women are attracted to men who can show that underneath all the beer bongs and date-rape accusations is a man who is can be a competent and devoted father. Since kids love nothing more than hurling ice-balls at each other all winter, you can capitalize on that by joining. The scene: you and your lady continue your walk through the snow-covered landscape. She's already digging your super-human strength from your earlier car extrication but it's now time to show her you're more than a muscle-bound He Man. Join in a snowball fight with the local kids but - and this is very important - resist all temptation to bean the little bastards with gravel-filled pain-balls. No, instead you must let them win. That's right, let the kids cover you with snow and mock-plead for mercy from them. It may be painful to swallow so much pride in one snowy gulp but it must be done because after you dig all of the ice out of your shirt and thaw what's left of your fingers, your lady will be left with but one thought: "what a nice guy."

    By simply performing these two feats, you have shown your woman your manliness. You've shown her your raw power and you've also shown her your sensitive restraint. Yes, you easily could have embedded an icicle two inches in that kid's arm but you didn't; you let him show snow down the front of your shirt instead. And best of all, you did it all while laughing, as if this is something you'd do everyday if you could. So, stop worrying that you won't be able to show off your bulging muscles and neatly waxed lower back all winter long because you can be just as appealing by simply taking a walk in the snow.
    View Article


    Like it? You Like it! (0) Comment (1)

  • Aint No Party Like A Post-Grad Party

    by Streeter Seidell February 06, 2006
    Oh man, this party is great. Seriously, I can't believe all these people showed. It's like we're back in college again. I can't believe it's almost been a year since we graduated. I know, right? Crazy. Oh hey, look, it's Tina. Have you talked to her yet? Engaged? Really? But she was so crazy in college; remember the pudding thing? Oh yeah, you remember the pudding thing. There must have been, like, thirty girls in there with that pig. That was great. She's the regional manager of an office supply company now? Wow, couldn't have picture Tina doing that, but whatever, there are plenty of hotties at this party.

    Oh man, look at Lauren. Damn, she looks great. Is she engaged too? No? Awesome. Wait, who is Christian? Ohhhh, you mean she's a Christian now? Like, a good one? Like, all 'holier-than-thou, Christ-crusading' Christian? Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't she the one who blew the entire third floor of Finlay when we were sophomores? And then she let that guy take all those pictures of her. Classic Lauren, man; classic. Oh great, here she comes with the pamphlets. C'mon, let's go to the kitchen.
    Keep Reading


    Like it? You Like it! (0) Comments (0)

    • Recent Activity

    Visit Our Partners

    Calendar