Top of the Morning: Daniel Patch Edition
by Streeter Seidell October 31, 2007
Also, swing by the Costume Party page and vote on the best costumes. If you have a great costume, send us a pic and if it's truly amazing, we'll put it in the costume party.
Lose Your ID, Daniel Patch?
by Streeter Seidell October 29, 2007"With this," he replied while handing me the ID of a student named Daniel Patch that he found on the sidewalk. JL had surmised that Daniel and I look similar enough that I could score free grub off it. Alas, I can afford to feed myself and I'd like to give Daniel back his ID.
So Daniel, if you're out there, come get your ID. When you get here I'd like to have a beer with you and talk about what life has been like these last few days without an ID. If you're Daniel Patch email me at ImDanielPatchDude@gmail.com and I'll give you directions to our secret office. BUT to prove you're Daniel Patch I need you to confirm your middle initial for me (which I have blacked out of the ID).
See you soon, Daniel!
The Stupid Question Hall of Fame
by Streeter Seidell October 29, 2007
The Stupid Question Hall of Fame is back again, ready to embarrass the kids who cheapen your degree. Remember the rules - If you send in the absolute stupidest, you get a free BustedTee. Read all five and cast your vote. And, if you heard something stupid in class this week, send it to me at CollegeHumor.com/StupidQuestions.
The Nominees- A) International Academy of Design and Technology, Tampa, Florida Submitted by Rob
We were reading a short story in class...
Genius: What is a pow?
Professor: P.O.W? It's a Prisoner of War.
Genius:They send prisoners to war!? - B) University of Florida, Gainesville, Florida Submitted by Kerno
Professor: Britain is quarantined to prevent diseases not found there from migrating there.
The Brilliance: Wait, Britain is an island?
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 29, 2007
Dexter, from Jake Klocksien
And Curb Your Enthusiasm, from Amir
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 26, 2007
The Weekly WYR
by Streeter Seidell October 25, 2007
It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, submit it at the bottom of this or any WYR article.
Would You Rather...
- Cure cancer but have your archenemy get the credit, or be in complete control of your archenemy's bowels and not cure cancer? From Mike
- Bang Jessica Alba, or bang Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan at the same time? From Mike
- Go Bear-Blasting, or Or Hump-Cating? From Nathan
- HaVe To AlWaYs TyPe LiKe ThIs, or only be able to type with your thumbs? From Nathan
- Drink a gallon of hot dog juice, or take a shot of toe sweat? From Nick
- Only be able to move around by dancing, or only be able to communicate through singing? From Jordan
- Live in a world filled with Jerry Seinfeld impersonators, or live in a world filled with Borat impersonators? From johnny
- Never have any form of sex again, or have a sex change and have all the sex you want? From Jim
- Be insane in the membrane, or Insane in the brain? From From
- Lose your small toe, or never go online again? From Steve
- Have every day be cold and rainy, or live in a Motel 6 for the rest of your life? From Hanna
- Die at 35 with a quick painless death, or die at 70 but suffer a chronic illness for 30 years? From Ace
Finally, this week's winner of the Overestimating How Popular Minneapolis Award is J, who sent in this.
- live in Minneapolis, Woot Woot or live in some other sh*tty city {new york?} From J
Way to go, J! Good luck convincing people to move to the Mill City!
If you have a good WYR, submit it below. Check back every Friday to see if yours made the cut.
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 25, 2007
1. TMA Kid Nation - Mark has some unkind words about this week's episode.
Also, keep your eyes, ears and, oddly enough, tongue open for a new Derrick video later today.
Bowser's Suggestion Box
by Streeter Seidell October 25, 2007
Chain Chomp
Hammer Bros.
Larry Koopa
Bullet Bill
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 23, 2007
The Weekly WYR
by Streeter Seidell October 19, 2007
It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, submit it at the bottom of this or any WYR article.
Would You Rather...
- Have to announce to everyone that you're going to take a sh*t every time, or have horrible diarrhea at all the important moments of your life? From Greg
- Have 10,000 spoons, or a knife? From Yosef
- Never be able to watch an episode of The Office again, new or rerun, or never be able to see your seventh-best friend again? From Alex
- Have to give a dollar to every homeless man that crosses your path, or give a hug? From The
- Never stop crying, or never stop having a runny nose? From Hannah
- Be a 60 year old millionaire with a model wife who cheats on you, or a poor 25 year old guy sleeps with rich married models? From Amy
- Be a small town girl living in a lonely world, or be a city boy born and raised in south Detroit? From Patrick
- Talk in a angry voice when you're happy, or talk in a high pitch voice when you're mad? From Mike
- Have your foot always be asleep, or your hand always be asleep? From Cameron
- Watch King of the Hill DVD special features, or go to sleep? From Johnny
- Post my would you rather, or be mentioned in my suicide note? From Pat
- Be Captain Planet, or Aquaman? From eric
- Be constantly bored, or restless? From ly
Finally, this week's winner of the Worst WYR Ever Award is andy, who sent in this.
- never cum or always cum From Andy
Congrats, Andy! You don't understand the concept of making a hard choice!
If you have a good WYR, submit it below. Check back every Friday to see if yours made the cut.
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 19, 2007
1. Emily has a new Morning After Grey's Anatomy out, so if you have a vagina or just wish you did, head over and give that a read.
2. That's about it. Have a great weekend, everyone.
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 18, 2007
New Drug of Choice: Cheese
by IDP October 17, 2007
Classic Cheese Classy Cheese
Now now, I know what you are thinking. “You can get high off cheese?! Sign me up! I love Parmesan, Swiss, Gouda, American, hell I’ll eat any cheese if you are telling me it can get me high.” Can cheese really get you high? The answer is yes; however, it’s not the coagulated milk we know and love as cheese. This is a new and illegal type of cheese, cheese heroin. This new drug, a mixture of crushed up Tylenol PM and Fordham’s drug of choice, black-tar heroin, looks exactly like grated parmesan cheese; however, you wouldn’t let granny put it on her pasta. There are two stories about how this drug mixture got its name. Not only does its consistency look like grated cheese, the name cheese could’ve originated out of the word chiva, slang for heroin. Just as with the devil’s grass Marijuana, the government warns people that this wacky cheese is coming out of Mexico in an attempt to scare them out of using it. For once, the feds’ warning should be taken because cheese is highly dangerous, deadly, and totally last year.
I know you are all wonder, how do I consume this cheese? Do I eat it like I eat normal cheese? Do you sprinkle it on top of your chicken role? No silly, this is cheese heroin and you insufflate (snort) it straight to the dome. It’s a deadly combo of two downers, diphenhydramine and heroin, whose synergy can stop the users heart. The DEA refers to it as starter heroin, although I’m not really sure how that works because cheese ends lives before the user can move onto real heroin.
I’m sure by know you want to know how much it is and where can you get some. The answer is dirt cheap and anywhere close to the boarder. Selling for 10 bucks for half a gram, you and all your friends can die for a bargain. But please don’t, I’ll feel kind of bad and might lose some sleep. Doing cheese is a bad choice because heroin is a bad choice. The magic behind cheese’s success is that users don’t think they are doing such a serious drug, after all is looks just like a little parmesan that didn’t make it onto the dinner plate. School officials in Texas say cheese is as big of a problem as pot. This might confuse you at first, if you’re asking: “since when has pot been a problem?” What they are trying to say is it’s a common as pot. Here maybe an analogy will help: Cheese is to kids in Texas as Blowouts are to kids at Howl.
So I’m sure none of you would ever want to do cheese, but lets say you want to acquire some to see if it smelt like real cheese, where would you go? To the middle schools, of course! Yep, kids as young as middle school get caught with the cheese. Dallas police detective Monty Moncibais came to a local Dallas middle school to talk about cheese. He asked the auditorium full kids if any of them knew somebody who used cheese and practically everybody’s hand went up. At another point in his lecture, Moncibais mentioned that the United States has the highest rate of drug users in the world and guess the response he got: the middle schoolers cheered. I’m not saying cheese deaths are natural selection, but I’m not saying they aren’t.
If you are worried about associating with a cheese user unknowingly, not to worry, the people arrested in association with cheesing are mainly Hispanic or Caucasian; so just avoid those two races. In case you are ever in close proximity to people using cheese, you will want to known some cheese user vocabulary so you can win a game of heroin induced charades if needed. Cheesed: the coma-like state of being on cheese. Example: “Bored in class, all little Timmy wanted was to get cheesed.” Cheese Freeze: the state of shock after getting caught masturbating by your roommates’ mother, while on cheese. Ex: “You must let me know when your mom is in town, I’m still in a cheese-freeze from last night.” Cheesus: Jesus, on cheese. Ex: “You need to stop telling everybody at Ziggy’s you are Cheesus Christ.” Strip-Cheese: a highly erotic dance preformed while on cheese. Ex: “Please stop with all these impromptu strip-cheeses, mom!” If the opportunity ever arises, saying no to cheese is easy. Think back to this famous Spanish proverb: “I don't want the cheese, I just want to get out of the trap, holmez.”
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 16, 2007
Good morning everyone. Today is a big day for me because, for the first time since last spring, I didn't sweat on my way to work. That of course, means Fall is in full swing and which means it's almost time for Winter and almost time to build the Sickest. Snowfort. EVER. Anyway, here's what's going on on CH today.
A new Morning After Heroes by Gabrus (who, by the way, is the star of an upcoming CHTV video)
Also, in the world of Johnny Lechner...
That's right. A girl got a tattoo of Johnny's logo on her should. Right again, Johnny has a logo. He also promised us a kick ass Tuesday, so go check out the Project Johnny page!
Stupid Question Hall Of Fame
by Streeter Seidell October 15, 2007
The Stupid Question Hall of Fame is back again, ready to embarrass the kids who cheapen your degree. Remember the rules - If you send in the absolute stupidest, you get a free BustedTee. Read all five and cast your vote. And, if you heard something stupid in class this week, send it to me at CollegeHumor.com/StupidQuestions.
The Nominees- A) Hofstra University, Oak Ridge , New Jersey Submitted by Zack
Genius in the Back: Are wet dreams, like, real?
Professor: Wet dreams are nocturnal emissions.
Genius: Right but are they real?
-silence- - B) Flagler College, St. Augustine, Florida Submitted by Spencer
Professor: ... so the Pope settled the dispute with the Line of Demarcation...
The Brain (interrupting): Wait, was it a real line?
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 15, 2007
1. As much as it pains me to say it, congratulations Amir for getting his Monopoly article to the top of Digg and, subsequently, showering CH with sweet, sweet traffic.
2. Jake has a new Morning After Dexter for all you serial killer fans out there. Give that a read.
The Weekly WYR
by Streeter Seidell October 12, 2007
Would You Rather...
- Eat a bowl of boogers or a bowl of scabs? From Racy
- Be Tay Zonday or Bo Burnham? From James
- Be a doctor and have to tell a family a loved one has passed or be a NFL official telling 65,000 people that a touchdown is being overturned? From Jake
- Pay $5 and take the ferry or caulk the wagon and float? From Adam
- Never be able to write with your dominant hand ever again or jerk off with your dominant hand ever again? From Jack
- Drink a gallon of someone else's saliva or be completelysubmerged in someone else's vomit? From Garrett
- Have your girlfriend cheat on you with someone who will have hard sex with her or someone who will have tender, gentle sex with her? From Jake
- Be in the tub with tub girl or in the middle of the bed during lemon party? From Patrick
- Be really good at breakdancing or really good at beatboxing? From Sir Jones
Finally, this week's winner of the High As F*ck Award is Patrick, who sent in this.
- have a catfish for a left arm or a cloud for a right foot?
Hey, check this out! Now you can submit WYRs right here. Neat!
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 11, 2007
- A trip to LA for you and a friend
- Some spending cash while you're there
- A chance to appear on Jimmy Kimmel
- A new iMac
- A new Sony HD Handycam
And with that, have a great day,
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 08, 20071. Jake has another edition of The Morning After Dexter so give that a read if you watch the show.
3. Tomorrow is Leif Erikson Day! Remember to take a moment and remember the brave Viking murderer who really discovered America.
The Stupid Question Hall of Fame
by Streeter Seidell October 08, 2007
The Stupid Question Hall of Fame is back again, ready to embarrass the kids who cheapen your degree. Remember the rules - If you send in the absolute stupidest, you get a free BustedTee. Read all five and cast your vote. And, if you heard something stupid in class this week, send it to me at CollegeHumor.com/StupidQuestions.
The Nominees- A) Rutgers University, Cherry Hill, New Jersey Submitted by Jeff
The Professor was talking about how General Marius taking revenge towards the end of his life put a tarnish on his legacy:
Professor: So what happened at the end of Marius' life that put a damper on his political and military career?
Genius: Uh, he died? - B) University of California at Davis, Davis, California Submitted by Brandon
In a class of 14 the professor starts off with a story about his son's 6th birthday.
Blondie: Aw how cute. How old was he before?
The Weekly WYR
by Streeter Seidell October 05, 2007Would You Rather...
- Have a girl fall asleep while you are having sex, or have her tell you to "just stop" because she is going to fall asleep? From Katie
- Get shot in the leg, or stabbed in the arm? From Bo
- Be able to draw perfect geometrical shapes, or be able to write in Times New Roman font? From Bek
- Be able to complete to complete sentences From Justin
- Run a mile on scalding hot concrete or swim a half a mile in freezing cold water? From Josh
- Have your boogers smell bad or your tongue taste bad? From Russ
- Have to swear in every sentence you speak or be limited to a third
grade vocabulary? From Brian - Have body hair that is constantly growing or have a cone head that
grows 2 inches every year? From Hannah - Eat a whole can of dog food or a whole tube of toothpaste? From HIbb
Finally, this week's winner of the You Stumped Me Award is Tony, who sent in this.
- WYR Give up oral sex for the rest of your life or give up cheese for the rest of your life? From Tony
Send your best WYRs to Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 05, 20071. Emily gives all you ladies (and a few dudes) another Morning After Grey's Anatomy column.
2. Johnny has been taking questions throughout the day so make sure to go to collegehumor.com/johnny and chat.
3. Have a great weekend
Quick Poll: Should We Make This Shirt?
by Streeter Seidell October 04, 2007
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 04, 20071. We have another new Morning After column. This one is from Chris Richman and he's writing about Pushing Daisies. Make sure to check that out.
Top of the Morning!
by Streeter Seidell October 02, 2007Lots of things happened in 1994: 'I Saw the Sign' was topping the charts, Forrest Gump was raking it in at the box office and a young man named Johnny Lechner started college. Now 'The Sign' is a funny reminder of Sweden's flirtation with pop music, Forrest Gump is a TBS movie of the week and Johnny Lechner is still in college.
That's right, our man Johnny has been in college for 13 years. He's been called the real life Van Wilder and for good reason. But why am I telling you this? Well, Johnny has agreed to wear a camera from now until the day he graduates and broadcast his life live on the Internet using Xanga technology. We had to get in on this somehow.
So head on over to CollegeHumor.com/Johnny and meet the world's best college student. You can even chat with him if you're logged into CH. We want to make a to do list for Johnny as well so if you have any ideas for that send them to ProjectJohnny @ CollegeHumor.com.
Oh, and make sure to check out The Morning After Heroes.
Truth in Manufacturing II
by Streeter Seidell October 11, 2007
Top of the Morning
by Streeter Seidell October 01, 20071. We've got a new Morning After, courtesy of our own Jake Klocksien. Say hello to the Morning After Dexter
Have a great day, everyone.
The Stupid Question Hall of Fame
by Streeter Seidell October 01, 2007 The Stupid Question Hall of Fame is back again, ready to embarrass the kids who cheapen your degree. Remember the rules - If you send in the absolute stupidest, you get a free BustedTee. Read all five and cast your vote. And, if you heard something stupid in class this week, send it to me at www.CollegeHumor.com/StupidQuestions
The Nominees- A) Oregon State University, Corvallis, Oregon. Submitted by Alec
Genius: So did the Greeks use the 'BC' dates too, or did they call 'em something else?
- B) SUNY College at New Paltz, Middletown, New York. Submitted by Matt
Discussing the Revolutionary War, the teacher mentioned a general who had gone to New Orleans to help out...
The Brilliance: "So wait, you said this guy went down to help after Katrina?"
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