It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, send it to me at Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com.

Would You Rather...

• Be blind or have the hiccups for the rest of your life? From Chris
• Hit every stop light, and know that you will never be in an accident, or always hit greens, and know that someday you will be in a terrible crash? From Devin
• Have no teeth or no ears? 
  
• Get beat up in front of your friends by your younger brother or your older sister? From Gregg
• Have a permanent light spot in your right eye or a permanent ringing in your right ear?
  
• Have sex with Jessica Alba on a bed of nails or have sex with Fergie on a bed of roses? From Daniel
• Be Aquaman or the kid with Heart from Captain Planet? From Matthew
• Be unemployed the rest of your life or have to go to college the rest of your life? From Leon
• Have a younger sister who is really hot or really ugly? From Patrick
• Have chair demolishing fart explosions, or always have gas and never fart? From Kevin
• Be nicknamed 'The Big Sticky' or 'OafLoaf'?  From Tyler
  
• Never be able to use a cell phone or never be able to drive a car? From Jeremy

Finally, this week's winner of the I'm Probably A Virgin Award is Pat, who sent in this:

• Would You rather have a magic war versus Dumbledore from Harry Potter or Gandolf from Lord of the Rings?

It'll happen someday, Pat!

Send your best WYRs to Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com

Sure, we all know what a farmer's tan looks like, but why do they get to be the only people with their own kind of tan?  Other jobs are just as suited for their own tan.  Take a look:

My friend, Dan, told me about this phone number the other day where you can call, ask any question and these people will answer it for you.  "It's called 'Call God'," he said. 

I did a little research and it turns out that this number does exists but it isn't God on the line: it's a few kids at Auburn University.  The phone rings in the Foy Student Union, where college kids have been answering random questions from strangers for about ten years. 

They've also been collecting valuable information, such as penis size data (Italians have the biggest at 6.5 inches, average is 5.6).  I called and asked if I should pee now or finish writing this article first and was told to use the bathroom now since the article would still be there when I came back.  Anyway, give them a call and ask a question, it's a lot of fun. 

Slow Race- When the goal results in participants losing money (Such as lending a dollar) everybody will move as slow as possible to help the friend. Fastest person loses.

Ex: "Chris asked if either Jeff or I had a cigarette he could bum and I lost the slow race."

---

Do you want to help expand the English language? Email me your submission and definition at streeter.seidell @ Gmail.com with the subject "Words"

Asking a man who his hero is is a somewhat unfair question.  Most of us have many heroes: JFK, Martin Luther King Jr., Jesus, etc.   But if I were forced to pick one person as a defining role model, a supreme example of what it is to be a true inspiration, I would pick Dave Grohl. 

"Dave Grohl?" you wonder, "What is so special about him?"  So much, you guys.  So much. 

Mr. Grohl first found fame as the hard-rocking drummer for legendary Alternative outfit, Nirvana.  However, his true talent was eclipsed by an attention-hog front man otherwise known as Kurt Cobain.  Whenever Grolh pounded out a viscious beat, Cobain was always prancing around in front of him, taking the spotlight off the true talent (Grohl).  The audience should have been saying, "Hey, this guy everyone thinks is #2 is actually #1!"  But they weren't.  Sure, every now and then Kurt would throw him a little taste of the spotlight - A drum solo here, a turn on accoustic guitar there - but it was never enough.  A study actually showed that people named Kurt don't know when to step away from the spotlight and let other, more talented people stand in the sun.

It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, send it to me at Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com.

Would You Rather...

• Be able to do one really good impression or do hundreds of good impressions, but not be able to talk normally? From Paul
• Be stuck on an island with the insult generator or Google smart ass? Also From Paul
• Eat cheesecake or pizza till you die? From Kevin?
  
• Lose both of your legs or lose your penis? From Jeff
• Be able to control your dreams for the rest or your life, or live any fantasy you want for one day? From Warren
• Have your eyebrow hair grow like normal hair requiring it to be cut all the time or have no eyebrows at all?
  
• Date a girl with one boob or one tooth? From Chris
• Be completely insane or know that the be-cloaked one is watching...always watching? From Zach
  
• Give your boss a beej and get a raise or get a beej from your boss and have to take a pay cut? From Shawn
• Drink only water for the rest of your life or drink only Vitamin Water for the rest of your life?
  

Finally, this week's winner of the I Clearly Just Got Dumped Award is Andy, who is saying this:

• Would you rather stay in all night eating cheerios or go out and not have a good time because she'll be there?
  

Hang in there, Andy!
Send your best WYRs to Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com

Things look a little different when you're drunk...

This month I had the pleasure of asking Miss July, Tiffany Selby, some very important questions regarding hot dog eating and other things.  Tiffany is 25, lives in LA and is on the USA Bikini Team.  Let's see how she answers the big questions...

1. How many hot dogs could you eat if you were being forced to eat them to save a loved one’s life?
Maybe two so I would probably just say my goodbye's before I started. :(

2. Pathetic. What was your favorite toy as a kid?  Mine was Legos.
My power wheels jeep and my dog used to ride in the passenger seat. I miss those days!

3. What is grosser and why: a guy who doesn’t cut his toenails or a guy who doesn’t cut his hair?
Long hair is hot, I don't really want to get attacked in the middle of the night so I would have to go with the toenails.

4. Who is more attractive: a great comedian or a mediocre musician?
Any guy holding a guitar is hot so I'm gonna have to go with the musician.

After watching a guy eat a colorful, unappetizing veggie sandwich at lunch today I came to the realization expressed below.

It's my favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, send it to me at Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com.

Would You Rather...

• Have one 8-inch penis or 2, 4-inch penises? From Brennan
• Have a bad sunburn for the rest of your life on your stomach and chest or your back and shoulders? From Jeremy
• Be a Lego man or a little green army man?
  
• Have your travel plans arranged by William Shatner or a garden gnome? From Justin
• Spend all summer in class or all summer with your grandma? From Kurt
• Have to walk backwards wherever you went or always have to wear Rollerblades wherever you went?
  
• Be in perfect health and weigh 700 pounds, or be sick all the time and weigh 160 pounds? From Scott
• Always think you phone is vibrating in your pocket or always feel like you're about to sneeze?
  
• Sh*t your own bed or piss someone else's? From The Falcon
• Have Fran Drescher's voice or Donald Trump's hair? From Greg
• Have a kitten that never grew up or a puppy that never grew up?
  

Finally, this week's winner of the I Can't Spell At All Award is Tyler, who is saying this:

• Woud you rather be stung by a thousend bes in the face or attaked by a grizsly bear?

Way to make the most of your education, Tyler!
Send your best WYRs to Streeter.Seidell @ Gmail.com

I know I'm not the only one who was upset with the way The Sopranos concluded.  I'm all for artists' having the right to express their vision however they see fit, but when you're at the helm of a beloved and cherished television program you have some responsibility to your viewers.  After all, it is their devotion, through thick and thin, through seasons 4 and 5, that kept your show on the air for so long. 

That's why when the show ended suddenly with an echoing "Don't Stop," I felt betrayed.  I had invested many hours of my life watching this show, knowing that at some point there would be a conclusive finale.  I think, more than anything, that

April 1st, 10:18 AM

911 Operator - 911.  What's your emergency.

Kid - You have to help me!

911 Operator - Calm down, young man.  What is your emergency?

Kid - It's my dad, he's hurt really bad!

911 Operator - I'm dispatching an ambulance right now.  Can you tell me how he got hurt?

Kid - He got into an argument with our neighbor, Seymour Butts, and then Mr. Butts hit my dad with a hammer and they both fell down.  My dad is bleeding a lot.  Mr. Butts is bleeding too.  You've gotta help me. 

911 Operator - You think this is funny?  Crank calling 911?

Kid - Please ma'am.  He's shaking a little now.  Please.

911 Operator - I get it, kid.  I get it.  You and your little friends probably sat around and thought about this for a while.  "Hmmm," you said to yourselves, "what should we do for April Fools day."  And then one of you little brats said, "hey, let's crank call 911." 

Kid - He's turning white.  Really white.  Please.

911 Operator - HA!  I'm not falling for that.  You know it's against the law to place a false call to 911?  Did you know that, you little turd?

Kid - Daddy?  Oh my god, Daddy? 

911 Operator - I don;t make a lot of money, ok?  I've got an apartment to pay for and a piece of crap car, so I don't need this sh*t, you got it? I already got crank calls about a fire, two rapes and a stabbing today and they were wayyyyy more convincing than you. 

Kid - I want my mommmy, I want my mommy, I want my mommy...

911 Operator - And I want a raise.  Hope your April Fool's Day prank was worth it. 

The 911 Operator hangs up. 

Kid (to friends) - Hahaha, she totally bought it!

High fives

I'm looking for someone to write a weekly column about studying abroad, preferably in an English speaking country (NOT Canada).  Before you email run down this checklist and make sure you qualify.

• Funny writer
• Studying for Fall semester
• Regular internet access
• Able to file weekly column
• Planning on traveling once you're there

If you're interested, email me at Streeter.Seidell@gmail.com with the subject 'Study Abroad' and let me know where you're going and attach a writing sample. 

"Wow, your forearms are so tan!"

We pick things up in the middle of their fight.

Massachusetts: ...Look, I came first, so I'm taking it. It’s better suited for me anyway.

Maine: That's ridiculous.  It works just as well for me as it does for you.  Plus, I'm much, much bigger.  Have you seen my forests?  HUGE! 

MA: Oh, is that how we're deciding things now?  Is your dad going to beat up my dad next?

ME: No, I was just saying...

MA: Well I'm just saying that the port of Boston, just last year, took into over $1,200,000 in textiles and grains.  That's 22% of the nation’s total economy.  What did you bring in?  Some lobsters?

ME: That's uncalled for.

MA: Look.  I was a state before you.  I make more money than you.  I have a larger population.  I'm taking it! 

ME: But I...

MA: NO!  It's mine!  MINE!  Got it? 

Silence

ME: Fine.  I guess I'll just go by ME then...

Springfield, MA - 1854
 
An inventor, Finneus Figgly, has just created his greatest invention yet.  Even though it is 2 AM, he sends a messenger to fetch his friend, Cornelius Butress from a neighboring house.  He can barely contain his excitement.  The two meet in Finneus' study. 
           
Cornelius: What's all this, my dear Finneus?  You call at such strange hours, one might think you ill!  I rejoice to see that you are well, but I must ask, why do you rustle me from bed at such an hour? 
 
Finneus: My dear friend, I have just conceived of an invention which will give the utmost delight and merriment to our countrymen.
 
Cornelius: Alas, for my own sake I hope this is more monumental an invention than your turnip shredder which, I will kindly remind you, you forced me to look at while on my honeymoon.
 
Finneus: HA!  Such a memory you have!  I assure you, this is much more significant than the turnip shredder.  Perhaps even more monumental than the boot umbrella as well!  But let us talk no more of the past, allow me to present THE FUTURE!
 

Finneus unveils a model of a bicycle with the front wheel vastly bigger than the back wheel. 
 
Finneus: Behold!  I shall call it a Penny Farthing for the disparity in wheel size which roughly correlates to the relative sizes of two popular British coins!  It shall usher in a new era of personal transport!
 
Cornelius: Uh huh...
 
Finneus: What?  What is it, my dearest friend, which vexes you about my creation?
 
Cornelius: It seems that the front wheel’s too big.