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Look On The Bright Side

by Thomas Murray March 29, 2007

Whenever you’re down and looking to a friend, family member, or your significant other (note: The girl you gave a roofie is not a significant other) for advice, often times the cliché “Look on the bright side…” will come up. Maybe you’ll get over your hamster running away or maybe you’ll question the idea that there is a bright side to this problem of yours. Well, to tell you the truth, there really is a bright side to everything, and I’m here to help you through your various troubles:

Situation	Look on the bright side...
You didn't make the team	There is always next year. By the way, why did you try out for the male baton twirling team?
You stubbed your toe this morning	You're paralyzed anyways.
Your girlfriend dumped you	She was cheating on you anyways. And she had herpes. How do I know? Well, she had sex with me, only once though, I swear. Well... maybe a few more than that.
Your parents just died in a horrific car wreck	Christmas is going to be a little easier on the wallet this year. And you get to stay with Uncle Lou, who has a hot tub. He is way cooler than your dad anyways. And your mom was a bitch.
You've been diagnosed with brain cancer	You'll be getting so much pussy! Chicks dig that sort of stuff, you'll be drowning in a sea of sex. First, cover up that monstrous tumor, Elephant Man. Say its a yarmulke or something.
You have a VD	You'll get a sick sense of satisfaction knowing you're giving it to all those girls, am I right? Oh, I'm sick. Yeah, sure, at least I don't have herpes.
You're clinically depressed	You'll be dead in a week anyways. And you'll be able to get meds.
You're failing math	I got nothing. This just isn't your week, is it?

Oh, and by the way, your hamster is dead. But look on the bright side, he died doing what he loved, riding your little brother’s model rockets. They were fireworks? Really? That explains a lot.

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What ever happened to Pop-Ups?

by Joel March 18, 2007

Remember the good old days of surfing the web? The era where every single website you navigated to would cause two or three pop-ups to appear on your screen, ever so conveniently obstructing the view of the page you actually wanted to see. Your first experience may have been a little something like this:

"Eh, a minor inconvenience," the thought popped into your head as two pop-ups appeared over the web page. "It is just a simple matter of clicking the little ' X ' in the corner of the two new screens."
Holy hell were you ever wrong.
There you were, just sitting there, feeling so sure of yourself, sure that in just a few seconds there would be nothing between you and your surfing. All the while, completely unaware that the computer had read your mind and was completely prepared for you to click that little button in the corner of the pop-up window.

As your mouse drew near to the corner, a sense of trepidation began to nag at the corner of your mind.“This is WAAAAAY too easy,” you thought.With no other option apparent to you, however, you had no choice but to click that little “X” and unleash Hell.

Immediately, that window disappeared, your sense of accomplishment instantaneously replaced with dread as you saw three more take its place. You saw this, and you did the same thing millions of others would also do, you panicked.

You rapidly started clicking any “X” you saw. For every “X” you clicked, however, another three took its place. There was no stopping it.You had unknowingly opened Pandora’s Box; the resulting chaos devastating your web surfing experience. After ten minutes of frantic clicking, when your finger was starting to cramp up, you saw that you had lost. You would have to pull the plug; you had to cut your losses.You prepared to sound the retreat aware that you had lost the war. Or had you?

A thought occurred to you, an act born of desperation, one final attempt to best the damned pop-ups. You had to do it; you had to beat them. Your hands flew to the keyboard, instinct guiding them as they quickly found those three buttons that every Windows user presses far too often: Crtl, Alt,

There, on the screen, the pop-up you actually wanted to see: the Windows Task Manager, your life saver. As your nerves calmed, you selected the original Internet Explorer page from the list of applications. Next, your confidence growing, you clicked the “End Task” button at the bottom of the window, then the second “End Task” button on the confirmation window. A second later you find yourself sitting in front of your computer, staring at a screen with nothing on it but your desktop.The feeling of accomplishment you feel is not as great as you had expected. You find yourself wondering if it had even happened, the desktop looks so innocent. It is so hard to believe that seconds before there had been countless pop-ups terrorizing the screen.

Many people may not miss this old school internet phenomenon. I, however, miss it dearly.It provided entertainment for those surfing the web out of boredom.That first experience was an epic battle that has now been all but forgotten. The traditional pop-ups have been all but eradicated by the pop-up blockers of modern browsers. Their successors (the little pop-ups that actually appear inside the window and scroll with the page) are nothing but a minor nuisance hardly worth noticing. They are a disgrace to the great pop-up ads of the past; a disgrace to those fine warriors who fought so fiercely against us in an era all but forgotten.

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