Articles from Ohio State

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  • An Overly Dramatic Interpretation Of Something Not So Dramatic

    by Thomas Murray April 13, 2007

    And there he was, standing at the crossroads of his life. Many events had led him to this, some contributing more than others. Every decision he had made would affect his choice, from choosing to quit drinking, to choosing which pair of socks he would wear this morning. But never had he put so much thought into a single question.


    Listen: When this man was a boy of twenty, well into college, he had tried to decide on this before. He knew as well as any wiser man that this could not be done. The maturity necessary to make a choice of this magnitude was impossible to grasp at such a young age. He was but a child then, this time things would be different.


    What is one to do? Faced with such a life-altering query, the pressure started to take hold of the very essence of his being. His eyes began to shake as a sole bead of sweat trickled down his forehead.


    A man in black stood before him. He had always been there, waiting impatiently for him, for his decision. The time had come, as it does for all of mankind. Most spend all of their lives pondering this choice, yet some run foolhardily, throw caution to the wind, and make a choice that they regret for the rest of their days.


    As the man was buckling under the pressure, he was confused as to how this moment came to be. What could this all mean? Is this a test of faith from the almighty, or is this a much darker thing? Who is this man who taunts me so? Is he the destroyer, death himself? Has he taken this form in some twisted spirit of comedy?




    He would never know. So many questions ran through his mind, corrupting his ability to think clearly. He should not have been posed this question at such a time, in such a state.


    Alas, he had finally come to the decision he had waited so anxiously to make. His body jutted forward as he laid his fist on the counter, a sort of preamble to his address. It was a sudden change in his attitude that the man in black noticed. The man was uneasy a few moments ago, but from where is this newfound confidence? The man in black thought this man must be sure of what he about to say.


    And here it was, the words all had been awaiting, none more than the man in black, and the man, himself. As his vocal chords began the gentle vibration, which would soon form his response to the question at hand, he double thought himself. Is this the right choice? He quickly quashed the notion, it was too late now.


    As the anticipation rose, his words were spoken with a mature confidence. He had made the right choice, and would be rewarded. He knew what he was doing, and the words escaped from his mouth:


    “Double cheeseburger, no onions. To go.”

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  • Frat Boys Attempt To Figure Out Traffic Signs In Germany

    by Thomas Murray April 10, 2007


    JD: What's this one?
    Boon: I don't know, brah, I've been in one German class, and that was in high school.
    JD: That was Spanish, fuckstick. They have those at airports, though. Windsocks... They're called windsocks.
    Moose: Why the fuck does the wind need a sock, cunt-puncher?
    JD: I hate you guys.

    Boon: Dudes, this place is so much better than the States.
    JD: Why? They all talk like mongoloids.
    Moose: Look at the sign, fagtard. The speed limit is eighty miles-per-fucking-hour. Pedal to the metal, dip shits.


    Boon:Twelve percent of what?
    Moose: Beer. They're obsessed with it here, that probably means all the beer from now on is twelve percent alcohol.
    JD: Are you sure it doesn't mean there's a hill ahead?
    Moose: Why the fuck would a hill be twelve percent alcohol, you dyke snuggling homo-tuna fish?
    JD: I'm not even going to try...


    Boon: Hey, brah, that sign totally says fart!
    Moose: Haha, aus-FART!
    Boon: Good one, Moose.


    JD: Dudes, look out, concentration camp ahead!
    Moose: Sieg heil! Haha!
    Boon: Hitler was pretty cool, huh?
    Moose: Yeah, I hate the Jews.
    JD: Me, too.


    JD: Hey man, deer ahead. Watch out.
    Moose: Hey, cockmaster, they call them Jägermeisters in Germany.
    JD: How in the hell do you know that?
    Moose: Haven't you ever seen a bottle of Jäger, numb nuts? There's a fucking deer on it.
    JD: Why would they name an expensive liquor "Deer"?
    Moose: Because they're Nazis, you queer-faced dick licker.
    Boon: Hey, brah, I think he's right.


    Boon: Haha, I know what that means!
    JD: Titties!
    Moose: Not like you care about titties, you fudge packer.
    JD: Fuck you, douche bag. I've had more sex than both of you.
    Moose: Yeah, with DUDES!
    Boon: BURN! Good one, Moose.
    JD: I swear to god I'm going to kill one of you.


    Boon: Dude, look at that one! I think I saw a show about cars that go underwater. I didn't know they had those here, fuckin' a, man.
    JD: Hey, pull over, man, we have to find another way around. I'm pretty sure this car can't do that.
    Boon:Why would they give us a car that couldn't go underwater? Trust me, they wouldn't dick us over like that.
    Moose: Thats what she said!
    Boon: Dude, that doesn't work.
    Moose: Oh... Hey, you guys remember when I made that aus-FART joke?
    JD: Yeah...
    Moose: That was hilarious.


    This article was loosely inspired and based off of Streeter's "Truth In Road Signs."
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  • An Open Letter From OSU to UF

    by Thomas Murray April 03, 2007


    FROM: The Ohio State University Athletic Department
    TO: The University of Florida Athletic Department

    To Whom It May Concern:

    First and foremost, congratulations on your second national title this year. It was a tough game, but you pulled through. Two consecutive basketball titles, huh? You guys must be good. And a football title, to boot! Outstanding. Well, we had a shot at the football and basketball title, too, you know. Of course you know, we played against you both times! Isn't that just silly? Two championships in two sports in one year, can you believe that?

    Well, I have one grievance, so here goes: You guys already had the basketball title last year, so, um... Well, why couldn't you guys just lose that one game? I mean, you're hogging the trophy, give someone else a turn. You're being rude about this whole thing. Seriously, guys, you aren't even giving anyone else a shot! I don't even think your mascot is fitting anymore, "Gators" just doesn't seem to explain you well enough. I took the liberty of sketching you guys a new mascot and logo:


    There you go, the Florida Dream-Crushers. Thats what you are, I think it is very descriptive and not at all misleading. Notice that your mascot is my step-father in a lumberjack outfit. I chose my step-father because, not unlike yourselves, he was always in the way of my hopes and dreams. You may ask why he is dressed as a lumberjack. Simple, because there is nothing more evil in this world than a French-Canadian lumberjack. Your new mascot wields an ax with which he cuts down forests of hope. He also wears steel-toed Wolverine® Brand boots to make sure every dream he sees is fully destroyed underfoot (I figured you could make a few extra bucks on that marketing deal).

    Seriously, though, everywhere we turn, you are just standing there, taunting us. You're like the the acne breakout I got in eighth grade, right before the dance. I couldn't get rid of it, and Sally Lewis, my date, found me repulsive, and she wouldn't even dance with me, so I went home and cried myself to sleep. Then, when I got to school the next day, everyone made fun of me and I never lived it down. You're exactly like that, just a huge, embarrassing obstacle.

    God, I'm sorry, I just kind of went on a tangent, there, huh? You know what, lets talk business, okay? Alright, so say you just to lose the NCAA soccer championship to us. Is that too ambitious for us right now? Alright. Understandable.

    How about if we drop out of all other sports, and you just give us one sport we can reign over. Nothing like football or basketball, something simple, like Ultimate Frisbee. Just give us that one. I mean, there is really nothing we can do right now. Its like when you're playing Risk and the one kid who is strategically retarded is on the verge of losing, but he's your friend, and you feel bad, so you let him keep his army in Kamchatka. Sure it is a strategically important territory, I mean, it connects Asia to North America, but if he tries any funny business, you can just pound him into the ground.

    Whats in it for you? Well, we'll try and keep people from hating you. Well, at least here. People will talk trash, and we'll say "Florida, yeah, those gracious overlords let our Ultimate Frisbee team go undefeated four seasons in a row, what benevolent leaders."


    We here at OSU really hope you consider our proposition and are eagerly awaiting your response.


    Thanks for your time,
    The Ohio State University Athletic Department

    P.S. Included is $300 to seal the deal. We would have given you more, but we spent our entire budget on "2007 FOOTBALL NATIONAL CHAMPS - OHIO STATE" t-shirts last year.

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