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Summer Tips: How To Score A Chick

by Thomas Murray May 12, 2007

Ah, the summer. The weather is great, school is out, and the scenery gets much, much better when those winter jackets come off. There is one problem though, going back home means that your party life is going to decrease exponentially, unless you count three of your friends staying up until four in the morning playing Wii and drinking liquor you stole from your parents a good party. That may sound like fun and games, but you’re forgetting the most important aspect of the college life: Girls.

You see, unless you’re going to try out your game on jail bait or your female friends back home, you’re in quite the pickle. But I’ve found a sure fire way to not only get a girl, but to use your friends as well. It’s simple, call your best friend’s ex-girlfriend. Here are some tips on bagging some sloppy seconds:

Make sure they’ve broken up. This may sound simple, but trust me, just because she’s removed her “Relationship Status” from her Facebook, doesn’t mean that they’ve broken up. You could get your ass kicked for this. A passive drunk dial may do the trick:

-Hey, Kristen, oh man, I haven’t talked to you in forEVER!

-What’s up, Thomas? Yeah, it’s been a while.

-No, seriously… I’m so trashed right now. Hey, you still dating Adam?

-No, we broke up like four weeks ago.

-Sweet… I’ll be home in a few weeks if you want to bone or whatever.

-Alright, sounds like a date.

-Awesome.

Don’t let your friend find out. Ever. I mean, unless he’s a huge douche, and therefore not your friend in the first place, why tell him? If this means threatening letters or breaking the broad’s jaw, so be it. Bros before hos, man. I doubt you can risk losing a friend, anyways, because if you’re resorting to this, you probably didn’t have many friends to begin with.

Avoid crowded placed if you’re hanging out with her. This is a precaution for keeping your sexual excursion on the down low. Stay away from malls, parks and swinger clubs. Especially swinger clubs. A year is a long time, you don’t know what kind of a sexual deviant your friend has become. I hear he got into S&M second semester.

If you keep those three rules in your mind, you’ll be set for the hard part: Coercing her into sex.

First off, the formula:

Pretty simple, right? There are also a few outside variables that can help you out in your quest for vagina.

Probably the best way to get some is to side with her concerning the break-up. Tell her that her ex is an asshole and that she deserved better anyways. It probably won’t hurt to dish out some dirt about him, too. Go on, tell her what he did with his dog junior year of high school. You know you want to. Don’t linger on it though, you don’t want her focused on him all night, let alone bestiality. Tonight is about you. You and Long John Silver. On second thought, scratch that, you’re more of a Short John Silver.

Well, as long as you’re siding with her, you’ll probably be in good shape as long as you’ve done your Facebook research, like any good person does. I mean, the worst that can happen is you being denied, going home and giving yourself a stranger, right? That and her telling everyone you have a small dick. You can’t win them all.

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Slang Nursery

by Thomas Murray May 08, 2007

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Re: Accidental Plagiarism: An Open Letter to Thomas Murray

by Thomas Murray May 04, 2007

See Joshua Heller's original letter.

Joshua Heller:

In an endeavor to plead ignorance to my claim of plagiarism, you have effectively made yourself look like a huge tool. Let me explain.

I made a comment on your article claiming I saw a remarkably similar skit on Mad TV once (don't judge me, sometimes there isn't anything to do on Wednesday afternoons). Don't you think you could've just replied to my comment instead of writing an entire article on it? Maybe even message me? Guess not.

My only reservation against your article was that is was almost identical to the skit I saw. Don't get me wrong, unless I really thought it was plagiarism, I wouldn't make a fuss. See Sarah Schneider's last article, for example. She was accused of plagiarism for merely mentioning "Purple Drink," which Dave Chapelle joked about once. That was not plagiarism. In fact, it was an entirely different scenario. However, this, in my humble opinion, was nearly a mirror of the Mad TV skit in question.

Nonetheless, it's one man's opinion. You really don't have to pay attention to me if you choose not to. Hell, the fact that you got so defensive makes me wonder. Well, I've never done anything to you but make a simple statement. I don't think I've done anything wrong, maybe you're just having a bad week. Either way, you look like a douchebag by attempting to call me out.

Love,
Thomas Murray

p.s. Good luck getting your panties un-bunched.

p.p.s. See what I did with that picture there? It's MC Hammer and it says "You're a tool." Get it? Hammer, tool. Hahaha. You'll get it eventually.

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The Last Straw: Erin Esurance Loses It

by Thomas Murray May 02, 2007

Several years after the Esurance commercials, Erin Esurance finally settled down with her husband, William. The following takes place after William has arrived home from work.

William: Hey, Honey, how was your day?

Erin: What the fuck is this?

William: Whoa, what?

Erin: This bill. Your insurance bill. I found it in your dresser.

William: Oh god… I swear I was going to tell you…

Erin: GEICO!??! I hate that GECKO!

William: Honey, please…

Erin: I trusted you! How could you do this to me?

William: It’s insurance! Calm the hell down! Did you take your pills this morning?

Erin: I don't need those pills... Mother was right about you!

William: Let me exp-… I’ve never even met your mother!

Erin: And you never will. I killed her.

William: Wha- what the fuck?

Erin: She knew too much.

William: You’ve completely lost it! You sell insurance! You aren’t a spy!

Erin: Stop trying to change the subject! What the hell are you doing with Geico?

William: I shouldn’t have to explain myself t-…

Erin: crying JUST TELL ME!

William: Fine. I just think it’s weird having an insurance card printed out at home, seriously. And when am I ever in a hurry anymore? We live in a townhouse in Illinois. Jesus Christ, woman. Calm down.

Erin: I think we’re through. I'm taking the kids.

William: I figured this would happen. Wait... We don't have kids! Those commercials went to your head. You need to see a doctor, you have a problem.

Erin: Oh, I have the problem, Mr. Geico Insurance. Esurance is so simple. Just quote, buy, print.

William: It costs more than my insurance now!

Erin: But it’s BETTER! QUOTE. BUY. PRINT. QUOTE. BUY. PRINT. IT’S SO EASY!

William: You know what? You do have a problem. You aren’t a god damned spy. And guess what else? I slept with Laura from Nationwide, you psycho.

gunshot

Erin: Quote, buy, print. Now where did I leave those drugs?

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