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Chris Johnsen's list of Completely Useless Shit

by chris johnsen June 23, 2007

- Old People
I will not respect old people until the Chris Johnsen Law of the Elderly is passed. This law will mandate that all automobiles sold to old people must have every numeric value on their speedometers decreased by 20. Think you're going 40 MPH, Elmer? Think again, fucker. You're going 60-right where you belong. See your state representative for details on the Chris Johnsen law of the Elderly.

- Lip Syncing
Hi. Raise your hand if you want to see people pretend to sing. I didn't very well fucking think so.

- Iowa
Iowa is basically where geology goes to die. I swear, one time I saw North Dakota and South Dakota have tectonic sex and they smoked Iowa afterwards to relax. I'm not kidding.

-Wisconsin
See Iowa.

-Guitar Hero hacks
"Hey man, want to go get really good at pretending to play music that's already been written?"

-The song Glamorous
Dear college freshman girls everywhere: The 97 Toyota your dad bought you is not flying "first-class". It's not even flying, dumbass. Like the song? Read the lyrics. I fucking dare you. Still like the song? Start on fire.

-MTV
Here's a quick run-down of what to expect from a few hours of MTV: Total shit, softcore porn, shittier shit, commercial selling shit only MTV watchers would buy, more shit, brief unimportant news update brought to you by an ethno-friendly caricature, a live video interview with enough zooming, camera angle changes, color changes, panning discrepencies, and enough un-needed closeups to give a blind man seizures. Oh, and then a half hour of Cameron Diaz's dumb ass.

-Your appreciation of indie music
No one cares.

-Your appreciation of art
No one cares.

-Cell-phone cameras
"Hey Emily! We're at Perkins and we're bored! I have this sweet idea! Let's take pictures of stupid shit and then post the pictures on facebook because everyone cares about what we did at Perkins! Boy, I sure love Perkins and taking pictures of stuff at Perkins! Everyone else really cares about what we did at Perkins, too! That makes me feel special; like I'm part of something!"

-Labels on hair dryers warning people not to dry their hair in a bathtub
Two words: Natural Selection.

-Anyone who "pops their collar"
These people are the biggest tools on the planet. They compete with girls who wear anything from the PINK line of clothes from victoria's secret for the title of biggest tools on the planet.

That's all I can think of now. Have a great weekend everyone. I know I will.

With love,
-Chris Johnsen