Do you know the way to San Jose?

Dear Newest Hollywood Exec.

Congratulations on making it to the top of the creative and innovative industry which has produced such masterpieces as Gone with the Wind, The Godfather and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo. Now, I imagine that you’re feeling pretty nervous about all the new responsibilities that will be heaped on your shoulders. You may be thinking, I’m just a bean counter not an artist, what do I know about making films?

 Relax, man, that’s surprisingly not a prerequisite for this job. I suppose it’s possible that our studio may accidentally stumble upon an original idea and produce the occasional quality movie, but this will not be necessary to making a profit. I’ll let you in on a little Hollywood Insider secret: you can persuade people to see complete piles of crap. There are two keys to your future success:

Rather than experimenting with innovative concepts, just copy from previously popular films.

Ram advertising down people’s throat until they have no choice.

The first step is easy. For example, if people like Spider-Man, they’ll love the tragic nuclear accident that lead to the birth of the heroic Squirrel-Man. I mean, the script practically writes itself!

The second step is a little more complicated, but no less doable. With high-tech editing techniques, an overly intense voice, super-bold text and a dash of movie magic, even the suckiest of films can be made into kick-ass movie trailers.

With carefully selected snippets montaged with popular music, any movie can seem fun, horrifying, romantic or action-packed. Having trouble appealing to teen girls? A little Coldplay and effeminate-looking young men will make them swoon. Need to appeal to the lads? Bikinis and THX-maxed out explosions will draw out their drool.

Now, you may say to yourself: shouldn’t a trailer accurately reflect the movie experience so that people don’t get false-expectations? This line of reasoning, however, is WRONG, a trailer should always be 300% funnier, 400% more thrilling and 1000% louder than the actual film. Keep in mind, every shot in the film and every line of dialogue are fair game to be manipulated and taken completely out of context if it helps. In fact, you can even use clips that were cut from the actual movie.

Take, for example, this classic Stephan King family comedy starring Jack Nicholson. The family market has been a main-stay of for years, and with the growing popularity of Mormonism, this demographic is always ripe for the plucking. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmkVWuP_sO0&mode=related&search= Now, doesn’t that look like some wholesome family fun? It’s not so important what the actual film is like, what matters is how these fragments allow the audience to create their own version of the movie in their head: not necessarily the actual movie, but the ideal film they want to see. In this case, the touching story of a struggling writer that finds joy and inspiration from becoming a foster father. Add the melodic styling of Peter Gabriel to the background, and I’m envisioning a heartwarming tale for the ages!

Romantic comedies, or “chick flicks” as they technically referred to, is another popular genre. Females aged 12-35 just can’t seem to get enough of seeing strong, independent and beautiful women finding love in the most unexpected of places, and this classic Jodie Foster/Anthony Hopkins hit can show you how’s it done: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCxF6idjqnk Notice how, again, the fragments, carefully put together to the tune of Howie Day’s Collide, let the audience construct their own ideal film in their minds… with a little help from the narrator of course. Also, by letting us know that this was from the makers of Steel Magnolias and Pride and Prejudice, this film can piggy-back on the success on other films of the genre. Finally, did you notice how they strategically inserted that it stars academy award winners Jodie Foster and Sir Anthony Hopkins? This is an ingenious way to invoke the star power present in this production.

Jim Carey is well-known for his goofy comic antics, but just take a look at what is in store for audiences everywhere. Our studio is currently working on this trailer which displays the funny-man’s darker side. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wykhY321nnw Part stalker and part psychopath, the grisly Lloyd Christmas plays to the fear of every young woman, and perhaps, just perhaps, makes men afraid of the animal which lies inside of them. Yes indeed, this promises to the thriller of the century, and notice the use of black-and-white? Ah, makes people kind of nostalgic for the Alfred Hitchcock horror classics.

Attention: Stupid, short white kid who wears his MSU basketball team garb to class who never plays and who thinks he is cooler than everyone

Dear Stupid kid: I don't know how to put this, but you're not a very big deal, and thats not a pun on your average height. Do not, under any circumstances, misconstrue this fact in any way shape or form. If you do, for instance, you risk making the embarrassing mistake of wearing your team pants and jacket that the athletic department was forced to issue to you. Why couldn't you just realize those basketball dreams that your overzelous father implanted in your head in high school were, putting it nicely, bullshit.

Especially do not wear your whole outfit in a cheap attempt to get some insecure girl to "let" you sit by her. Doing this is easier to see through than your crossover. Anyone who wears that much green has an underpaid job in Santa's sweatshop. Am I good at basketball? No. Are you good at basketball? No. Are you better than me at basketball? Maybe. Are you cooler than me? No. By asking how I know these things, you prove my point about your low level of security. You're probably thinking security? But I don't have a single turnover this season. Thats because you dont play basketball, which is the only similarity we share.

For future reference, don't act like you're some big shot athlete at a big-ten school who has, and has had, its fair share. You're another face in the crowd that I am not going to recognize unless you wear your Will Ferrel Elf-inspired outfit, sans the shoes, that make you stand out worse than Danny Almonte at the Little League World Series. Oh and if by some miracle of god you see Coach Izzo at practice, say hello. Wait, no don't. He would rather here it from somebody who actually helps pay his salary than from someone's lazy ass whom he has to babysit for a couple hours a week at basketball practice. And one last thing, when none of the girls recognized you at class, next time don't leave. Stay and learn something that might help stay out of the projects of some mid-major city, living off of food stamps.

P.S. Good luck at your next game!!!

The weather’s getting warmer and we all know what that means: grilling, flip-flops, Frisbee and of course, Mormons. Every year when the temperature rises they descend upon campuses nationwide like God-fearing vultures, trying to convert every coed they pass on the sidewalk. Avoiding them is an art, and like any art, you can learn it in 5 minutes if you follow a few short tips:
 
1. Avoid eye contact at all costs. Look down and walk as close as you can behind another person. Missionaries, like recently revived coma patients, tend to latch onto the first person they see.

2. Always wear headphones. If they’re not attached to anything, sing along to your imaginary song while you walk. If they ask what you're listening to, say something like "Mormon Mo' Problems" by Mormon Moe and the Moanin' Mormons.