Articles from Michigan State

774 Total 641 Pictures 77 Videos 18 R-Rated 38 Articles

Asians and Umbrellas

by Phill September 26, 2007

Through my experiences in life, I have never had a problem with umbrellas, or Asians for that matter. As a true believer of equality I never make accusations or stereotypical judgments of people without having fully researched a topic myself and collaborated with other sources.
It is with this judicious analytical process that I have come to the conclusion that Chinese people are no longer allowed to use umbrellas. I just came back from a weekend road trip to New York, and I was beaten and tattered after spending time in China-Town, during a rainstorm. Now, I do understand that the China-Town residents most likely mean no harm, and that it is not their fault for being, on average, shorter. However, if I get stabbed ONE MORE FUCKING TIME IN THE FUCKING NECK BY A GOD DAMN UMBRELLA, HEADS WILL ROLL. My friend and I were walking thru China-Town, drunk and stoned, at about 3:00pm when it started raining. We had no umbrella and enjoyed this fact, or rather, were too fucked up to care. However, every single China-Town resident had an umbrella and they were walking in droves at almost a full sprint. It wasn’t until the first umbrella spoke stabbed me in the neck that I felt lost and alone. With the unfamiliarity of big city unkindness I was surprised that my screams of “OWWW FUCK” and “I’M FUCKIN’ BLEEDING HERE” were not even the slightest bit acknowledged. It might have been because they don’t speak the language, or maybe that they just didn’t care, they knew I wasn’t one of them. Every bodega on the street had a guy trying to sell us an umbrella as we walked by, and I could feel the rage rising within their beaming eyes. Plodding along through the harrowing abyss it wasn’t until I spotted a mother with three kids, all holding umbrellas in a diamond formation, and heading directly towards me at full speed that I lost my mind. But it was too late. A huge slice across the neck and a jab to the eye caused me to fall to the ground, questioning god “WHY ME?”
An eye patch and ten stitch’s later we left the hospital and walked to the curb, exhausted and confused, we hailed a cab, and we felt that the nightmare was over…

NEXT WEEK: NY Cabbies and The English Language

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (1) Comments (0)

I Want You, Mr. Slurpee McGee

by Peter Papadopolous September 18, 2007

I love slurpees - I will do practically anything for one, therefore I've compiled a list of what I would do to get one. I would run a marathon, swim five miles, not six because it sounds like sex- I’m no pedophile. I would bike from one end of a small MI city to another. I would lick a bathroom floor. I would eat sand. I would poke a bear with a stick. Come within 30 feet of Lindsey Lohan. Say the ‘N’ word- actually I wouldn’t. I would talk to a Rabbi. I would wear FUBU. I would plant lots of trees to help the environment but then cut them down 20 years later as long as I could get a slurpee. I would masticate in public, I already have once. I would talk with an asian accent the whole day and not even laugh so people think it’s real. I would hide my right arm in my shirt so it looks like it’s missing, but pull it out at the end of the day and say, “Surprise, I just grew it back.” I would drink goat piss, A.K.A. Busch Light. I’d put my tongue on one of those heavy duty batteries that causes electrocution. I’d listen to rap, or worse, Neil Diamond, or worse, The Carpenters, or worse, the Partridge family, or worse, the song Mambo Number Five all day. I would donate my left testicle.

At this point, I don't know what else I can give up or if I have any more dignity to be stripped. All I know is I want a . Where's my boy Almond from Speedway? Where are you Almond?

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (0) Comments (0)