Executive Producer: Dr. Evil Monkey

All the time people are comin' up to me, all like,

"Yo, Jeff, what the F is up with the Nanking incident? How did it affect Sino-Japanese relations?"

Or sometimes people are like,

"Man, did you hear about the rape of Nanking? Damn dude, being a Chinese civilian FTL..."

For the record, of course I am well versed in the goings on of the Nanking massacre and how they would come to affect Sino-Japanese relations. Duh. Everyone who isn't a stupid jagoff knows that shit.

Since I mainly hang out with stupid jagoff's, it's probably poignant to explain exactly what happened when and how subsequent relations between China and Japan were affected.

Lemme break it down like this: In like 1937 or some stupid year like that, some Japanese dudes took a plane to China. (It was Delta flight 1293 with service from Tokyo to Nanking for you goddamn history buffs that are going to want to know that shit.) When the Japanese dudes got to China, they busted out with their Pokemon cards, Sushi bars, and Saki bombs. Naturally, the Chinese dudes were pissed because they hate sushi and Pokemon.

The Chinese called up their legendary General Tao, who advised introducing the Japanese fellows to his famous chicken dish. The pissed off Chinese guys whipped up a plate of General Tao's chicken and served it to the Japanese guys on an orange plate.

Now everyone should know that being served on an orange plate is basically a slap to the face for any emperor-fearing Japanese man. The Japanese fellows not only didn't like the delicious chicken, they were deeply angered and offended, and texted their friends back home about the incident via their Hello Kitty themed Razrs.

Upon hearing about this most heinous of crimes, the Japanese guys buddies all booked flights on Delta out of Tokyo into Nanking. These guys didn't just bring Pokemon cards and Saki though. They brought Samurai swords and Death Guns.

Upon arriving in China, the disgruntled Japanese men began immediately raping and killing every Chinese person in Nanking. You may ask yourself,

"Why didn't the Chinese fight back? Didn't they have police or an army or something?"

Well they did, but they were too busy saying "Dude, wtf? It was just an orange plate!"

This massacre went on for about six weeks. Or maybe like a day. No wait, it was three years. Nah. Six weeks. However long it lasted, it totally pissed off Chinese people.

To this day, the Rape of Nanking is a major arguing point in Sino-Japanese relations. Chinese folks are pissed off because Japanese history books gloss over the whole thing and Japanese people are pissed off because they're all like,

"Come onnnn, it was like 100 years ago. It probably wasn't even really that bad anyways."

And that my friends, is a brief history of the Nanking massacre and its subsequent affects on Sino-Japanese relations.

As the hundreds of billions of colleges around this country prepare to go on Spring Break, here's an interesting dialogue to keep in mind as you all embark on your expedia fueled Mexican odysseys:

Pilot: Flight attendants, please prepare the cabin for departure.
Flight Attendant: Ok cabin, here we go. It's that time again, we're about to take off. Are you prepared?
Cabin: Fuck no I'm not!!! Are you serious? I'm a giant metal tube; I have no business being 35,000 feet above the surface of this planet! You are one crazy bitch if you think I'm prepared for anything, let alone takeoff.
Flight Attendant: Heyyyy now, calm down, calm down. You did it on the way here; I know you can do it.
Cabin: Bullshit. The way here was a fluke. I'll never make it again.
Flight Attendant: Come now, that's not the kind of attitude I'm used to. Who's a big cabin, huh? Who can do it now?
Cabin: I'm a big cabin I guess... I still don't think this will ever work though. It doesn't make any fucking sense.
Flight Attendant: Aww, sure it does. You can do it. Just hold your breath and close your eyes until it's all over.
Cabin: Yea... yea I guess.
Flight Attendant (to pilot): Cabin prepared for departure.

I'm sick and tired of never hearing anyone rant anymore. I used to encounter people ranting about various topics all the time, whether it was politics, entertainment, cheeseburgers, or Dog the Bounty Hunter, people were ranting. They would just rant and rant, going on reiterating their opinions. I miss those days, where I wouldn't have to infer anything.

Speaking of Dog the Bounty Hunter, what a ridiculous individual. Whenever I accidentally stumble into viewing his program, I always observe him saying "Oh shit, they saw us coming," as he walks into a housing project. Of course they saw you coming you jackass, you're an eight foot tall white guy with tribal feathers sticking out of your super-mullet wearing a bullet proof vest as a TV crew follows you through the 'hood. How could anyone NOT notice you?

I digress. I was talking about how no one rants anymore.

Nowadays everyone has a one line opinion. How do you feel about politics? "Interesting lately." What about Britney Spears? "Totally crazy."

While valid, these opinions do not constitute a rant. Ranting, like art, is a dying art. Seriously though about the art, can you name one current artist? Like as in someone who paints, not like a rap artist. Picasso died in the seventies and no one has kicked ass at art since then.

Dennis Miller used to rant. I think he's ranting about sports on some channel that no one gets these days though. That's too bad, his bombastic obfuscation always kept me on the edge of my seat, wikipedia at hand.

I would like to preface this article by first stating that I love America and thank God no one was hurt in the recent bombing of Times Square.

Having said that, is it just me, or is that guy clearly a horrible terrorist? I mean, he manages to get his bomb into Times Square, detonate it, and make a clean getaway, but he couldn't even injure anyone? He barely even hurt the door the bomb went off in front of. A few broken windows, nothing serious. The guy must have taken the short bus to his terrorist boot camp of choice.

I think whoever is responsible for this most heinous of crimes should consider another line of work, because terrorism is not his niche. If he went to careerbuilder.com he would have to click "no" when asked if he could injure someone with a bomb in the busiest block in the world. Anyone that clicks no to that question is automatically ruled out for terror related professions and immediately routed to waste management.

Next time someone sets off an explosive device in the most crowded place in this hemisphere, I expect some results.

By now we've all seen the video of a U.S. Marine throwing a puppy off a cliff. Or at least heard about it. Or maybe just accidentally pictured it one time on an acid trip. Whatever the case may be, it has sparked a general consensus of outrage towards the Marine. In fact, it seems to be one of the most unifying issues on the web right now: that guy is a jerk.

I thought as a counterpoint, it would be poignant to point out a few facts.

1.) You may have noticed there are only 2 or 3 people in the video. That is because the puppy killed the rest of the platoon.

2.) Prior to being picked up by the scruff of the neck, the puppy was muttering anti-Semitic remarks.

3.) The puppy was an insurgent.

4.) The puppy was a Jihad Terrier. A rare Middle Eastern breed, bred to hate baseball and big tits.

Given these facts, I think we should all pause and consider how we should feel towards the Marine in question. Soulless Jerk or American Hero? You decide.