Articles from Hofstra

151 Total 68 Pictures 46 Videos 37 Articles

Terminator: The Untold Conversation

by Scott Bennett May 28, 2008

*Private Kyle Reese walks into a dark room, where leader John Connor sits with his boots up on a table. Reese grumbles and salutes*

John Connor: "At ease, Private. Listen, I wanted to speak to you about the...intense training going on to toughen up the lesser ranks such as yourself."

Kyle Reese: "Toughen up the lesser ranks?"

John Connor: "Now I know that to you, some of my methods may seem...unorthodox, but I assure you that my only goal is to man up the strongest army imaginable so together we can bring down the machines and reclaim a future for all of humanity."

Kyle Reese: "Sir, you grabbed me by the groin and collar, then shoved me face first into the communal latrine and gave me a swirley in front of all the resistance recruits."

John Connor: "Well yeah, but I mean I'm not doing this for fun - I mean, I'm the destined leader of this war, and putting my own soldiers through hell to give them the extra toughness required to stay on top is only a small price to pay for the resu-"

Kyle Reese: "You were shouting the entire time 'Look everyone! This is completely for fun and is no way involved with the war, take it you dirty, dirty greenhorn'"

*long silence*

John Connor: "Kinda splitting hairs, don't you think?"

Kyle Reese: "I've had it with this damned resistance."

*Reese gets up to leave*

Connor: "Look, we're getting off track. Here, take it easy and have a cigar"

*Reese sits back down*

Connor: "Let's let by-gones be by-gones, deal?"

Reese: "...Deal"

Connor: "Great. Now listen, this is really what I wanted to speak to you about. This is going to sound way out of left field, but I need you to be the one who goes back in time using the technology we've gotten our hands on so you can protect and...um...ensure the safety of everyone's future."

Reese: "What was that?"

Connor: "It's insane I know, but true. The machines have developed time traveling tech and right now are sending a Terminator back to 1984 to assassinate my mother, Sarah Conn-"

Reese: "So basically what you're asking me is, to go back in time and plow your mom?"

*long silence*

Connor: "No...no I need you to go back and PROTECT her from getting killed by the Termina-"

Reese: "Yeah, the guy who gets sent back to 1984 ends up inadvertently creating you with your mother while protecting her from the Terminator."

*Connor is speechless*

Reese: "You blurted it out when you got drunk after the skirmish last week to protect the ammunition stockade."

Connor: "Well....I mean I'm choosing YOU because I've recognized your skill and quick-thinking on the battlefield."

Reese: "Yeah, OR because you finally remembered that the person you sent back was named Kyle Reese."

Connor: "Look that's besides the point. It's not like I haven't known your name this whole time."

Reese: "Really? What about just this morning during inspection while you were scrubbing your taint with my toothbrush and and twisting my nipples when you realized that my dog-tag read KYLE REESE, causing you to instantly freeze, then run out of the room."

Connor: "...look, this is serious, Private."

Reese: "I'm sorry, did you say Private? or Sergeant."

Connor: "...Sergeant Reese, this is serious business, and time is a factor here. Here, this is a photo of Sarah Connor. You need to commit this to memory so when you get sent through the-"

Reese: "..."

Connor: "Is something wrong?"

Reese: "Do you...Do you have any others? Something with softer lighting maybe? I dunno."

Connor: "Why? What's wrong with that one?"

Reese: "Nothing. I just...you're SURE she's into men."

Connor: *stares* "Look, just commit it to memory. We have enough power for only one time jump; go back to 1984, locate the primary objective, and eliminate the Termi-"

Reese: "Go back and rail your mom. Right, got it."

-Props go to Chase Mitchell, who lent personal assistance on this one. Also, he threatened me!-

View Article

Like it? You Like it! (8) Comments (14)

An Unofficial CollegeHumor Movie Review - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

by Scott Bennett May 23, 2008

Never, ever question a man with a whip.

Let's play a game - OK close your eyes, and think of the music that played in the movie Bio-dome. Can you do it? Now close your eyes and think of the music that plays in Indiana Jones. Wanna know why one works and not the other? Because the Indiana Jones films are LEGENDARY, that's why. If you can look me straight in the eye and disagree with that statement without flinching, I'll take you out to Ruth's Chris Steak House. Seriously, I'm not playing around.

Raiders of the Lost Ark was one of my first adventure movies growing up, and to this day is still one of my undisputed favorites. The formula for a badass hero who gets the crap kicked out of him but still ends up on top has been copied time and time again unsuccessfully - and while there may be many pretenders out there, there's still only one Indiana Jones. When news first broke out about a 4th Indy movie, there was a lot of debate about Ford's age, picking up a classic that needs no continuation, and if Jones would be fist fighting Nazi's in a retirement home (admit it, that would still be awesome). And now after months of nervous anticipation, it's finally here.

Keep Reading

Like it? You Like it! (79) Comments (155)

CollegeHumor Movie Review

An Unofficial CollegeHumor Movie Review - Iron Man

by Scott Bennett May 08, 2008

His realsuperpower? No matter where you go in the room, his eyes always follow

Let's face it, Super Hero movies nowadays are either hit or miss.

There are the ones that absolutely dominated; Batman Begins, Spider-Man, and X-Men. Then there are the ones that we'd rather not think about/mention in public; Elektra, Cat Woman, Dare Devil, etc. With all the trailers and press releases for the countless comic book movies on the horizon, it's totally expected to be nervous about which ones will be great and which ones will suck, but rest assured - Iron Man is incredible.

Incredible in that 'you're really drunk and just found an all night diner' kind of way. Incredible in that 'you're at the drive through and you realize you have exact change' kind of way. Out of all the crap floating around in theaters right now, Iron Man is breath of fresh air in a huge way.

Keep Reading

See More: Movie Review

Like it? You Like it! (33) Comments (20)