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Taking a bite out of the Apple iPhone-- it's Anything but Mealy

by Alyssa Coughlin July 16, 2007

The Apple iPhone includes features such as bluetooth

enabled, GPS navigation, MP3 player, and of course--

world domination. Yes, that's right folks. You can get

it all in one little phone. Those who proclaim that the

iPhone is just "too much" either have no desire to take

advantage of this little tool and conquer the world, or

simply do not know about the lovely hidden features it

holds. Hidden features on the iPhone include "Live Chat

with Osama" and several ambitious games such as

"Challenge Hitler in an Arm Wrestling Contest" (that is,

virtual Hitler) and the ever popular, "Bomber" has

turned into an actual way to assault various, meak

countries. Naturally, the MP3 player feature was added

solely to provide subliminal messages within each

consumer's "My Top Rated" list. Witty subliminal

messages provided by Apple and AT&T include "PC's smell

like pee pee" and "Sprint users have genital herpes"

(that one doesn't rhyme, but it gets the point right

across).

However, the problem with the Apple iPhone does not lie

in the excessive subliminal messages, but rather in who

can actually get their hands on these select features.

Many iPhone consumers find that these so-called "Hidden

features" to be, well --hidden. Very select individuals

can get their hands on these features. George W. Bush

Sr., George W. Bush Jr., and those blessed with

variations of this name, such as, Georgey Dubbah-You,

Jorge "Bushtail" Gonzales, and of course, Mr. Busch

Light himself are among these lucky few. Well, at least

we know the iPhone is in some incredibly trustworthy

hands.

As problems like these with this product grows,

consumers who are frustrated with it are making

themselves known. An Ebay user, who currently has the

bid for her beloved Apple iPhone at $300.00 + s&h,

declares "Stupid phone is too difficult for me. Just

trying to get rid of it. Wtf am i gonna do with a phone

i cant use?" (My guess is that question is rhetorical,

but I guarantee some smartass will message her and say..

"Sell it on Ebay?")Undoubtedly, she can do much more

than that with her little phone. Oh, if she only knew

the power she could expel with just the press of a

button.

Have the gods of cellphones and all-things-electronic

gone too far? Perhaps a "send" button was only meant to

make a phone call, and never to set off an atomic bomb

and GPS navigation was meant to get directions to the

nearest mall not to pinpoint and destroy that jerk who

cut you off at a green light last monday. Well, the

makers of the Apple iPhone are saying "perhaps not". In

rougly eight days and seven nights an upgraded Apple

iPhone will be realeased. With more clobbering,

overpowering and annexing than ever before it is sure to

be the next best thing since the original Apple iPhone.

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