I sit at the bar at the local pub
looking for a lady to rub.
I sit and stare as far as I can
which isn’t too far, as drunk as I am.

I look to my left and see her there
in that short little skirt with long blonde hair.
A gentleman at heart, I buy her a drink
but not much longer will I let my heart think.

I can barely resist,
put my will to the test
to keep myself from staring
at her ginormous breasts.

As I lean over to whisper in her ear
a lyric would will bring her to tears
I reveal myself as a fool
as I topple off my stool.

But have no worries, forget your fears
in my mind the image sears
as I look up from the floor
I behold a sight I cannot ignore.

My reputation has been saved
and from the floor I am amazed,
in her skirt something flopped
because she is a he that is still pre-op.

Clumsy am I, he who falls from his chair
But I am lucky too, because that was a man over there.
Had I been stable, I may not have known
and mistakenly may have taken Steven home.

Dear Logitech,

My name is Brice and I am a college student. I have an idea for a product that you may be able to develop into a useful facet of online interaction. My proposal is a breathalyzer lock for a computer keyboard. I don’t know how many of your employees had an active social life at college or, for that matter, went beyond Tech school, but there is an issue that needs attention and I believe that you can make this happen.

Along with many other young people I associate with, I have a bit of a problem with alcohol consumption, not so much with my health, but with my social interaction while inebriated. I tend to come home after a long night of Beirut- the Liquor League and plop into my desk chair. After fumbling with the mouse long enough to actually log into my facebook and/or myspace page, I proceed to make horrible jokes that even I don’t comprehend the next day and make pointless references to movies no one has ever seen. My diarrhea of the fingertips is left behind, staining the walls/comment boards of my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances.

The solution: a breathalyzer mechanism that is armed before a night of imbibing copious amounts of alcohol. On return, the user is required to blow under a .1 BAC to be allowed entry to communication programs and online communities. The hardware would come with a program that would allow the person to select which programs to block and which to allow at what BAC levels. For instance, AIM would be blocked at a .12 but HALO is permitted up to a .20 because, let’s face it, beyond that all you will be doing is lie face-down on the keyboard while some 13-year-old kid from Taiwan pwns the sh*t out of you.

If you have any questions, comments, or need for marketing strategies, please feel free to contact me.