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The guys behind 'Meet the Spartans' pitch their next film

by Chase Mitchell January 29, 2008

Jason Friedberg and Adam Seltzer, better known as the creative force behind parody films like "Date Movie," "Epic Movie" and "Meet the Spartans," meet with a high-powered studio executive to discuss their next project.

Jason Friedberg: Thanks for sitting down with us, sir. We've got a LOT of good ideas. We've been brainstorming all night.
Adam Seltzer: Brainstorming? More like GAYstorming, you homo. LOL. But seriously, we were having sex with each other.
Studio exec: Can we make this quick, guys? I'm really busy today, and also I hate you.
JF: Not after you hear what we've got cooked up now, right broseph?
AS: F*ckin'-A, dude. High five!
JF: High five!
*High five*
SE: Jesus. (Looks at watch.) OK, let's hear it.
JF: Right, so we've covered romance, we've covered action-adventure and big-budget blockbusters...
AS: ...but there's one genre we've left completely untouched. Until now.
JF&AS: Comedy.
SE: You mean... you're going to make something funny. Actually funny.
AS: I told you he wouldn't understand.
JF: We're gonna make FUN of stuff that's funny.
SE: You want to parody... comedies.
JF: Absolutely. Why should they get off so easy, right? Like you know that scene in "Superbad" where the fat kid draws a bunch of dicks? Well, in OUR version... are you ready for this?
AS: I helped come up with this one.
JF: In OUR version, he draws a bunch of... well, dicks. But they're dressed up like different celebrities, you know? Like Britney Spears, Donald Trump, Paris Hilton...
AS: Paris Hilton!! Can you believe that!? That one was mine.
JF: And like, we'd incorporate the pregnancy plot from "Knocked Up," except this time when she gets to the hospital at the end...
AS: ...she finds out that she really just had to take a big sh*t all along.
JF: LOLZ!!!!111one
AS: The doctor - who would be played by a Michael Jackson look-alike, by the way - delivers it, and it's seriously, like, a piece of crap the size of a baby.
JF: ...and then it grabs a mic and performs a rap song. We haven't decided on which one yet.
AS: We're calling it "Funny Movie." Get it?
SE: Guys, I just don't know on this one. I'm starting to get death threats from movie critics for greenlighting these ideas...

Assistant (busting in): Sir? We just got the weekend numbers in for "Spartans." Looks like we have another hit on our hands.
SE: ...Can you guys have a script to me by the end of the day?
JF: We already wrote most of it on this napkin.
SE: Perfect. Get Carmen Electra on the phone. I want this thing shooting by next week.

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My Boob Journal

by Chase Mitchell January 17, 2008

Found this in the basement a couple of days ago. Wrote it when I was a little kid. Funny, I don't remember being such a dork.

Figure 1.

Age: 6
Subject: Ariel
Discovered in: "The Little Mermaid"
Status: Weiner went all weird, kinda hurts
Other thoughts: Ow.

Figure 2.

Age: 7
Subject: Land O' Lakes girl
Discovered in: Refrigerator, across from Juicy Juice
Status: Curious...
Other thoughts: 1.) Take pair of scissors. 2.) Cut out knees. 3.) Paste onto chest. Ta-da! She's holding her own boobs, see? So cool.
Note to self: Weiner hurts less when rubbed.

Figure 3.

Age: 8
Subject: African tribal woman
Discovered in: Teacher's "National Geographic" collection (after digging through, like, a gazillion other dumb, boobless issues).
Status: Uncontrollable giggling
Other thoughts: So gross. Will only stare for two more hours, tops.
Note to self: Ask Grandma for subscription next Christmas. Mention something about an interest in dinosaur fossils.

Figure 4.

Age: 9
Subject: Animated video, "Where Did I Come From?"
Discovered in: Mommy brought it home from the store. She says it'll teach me about babies. I asked why she wouldn't just tell me herself and she said it was less embarrassing this way.
Status: Really embarrassed.
Other thoughts: A cartoon man and lady (who was not as pretty as Ariel, but totally naked) wrestled under some covers until there was a big, colorful explosion. Tadpoles and little red hearts went EVERYWHERE.
Note to self: Tadpoles + Explosions = Awesome. (Already knew that, Mom.)

Figure JACKPOT.

Age: 10
Subject: Stack of old Playboys
Discovered in: Jason's pop's bathroom, beside the crapper
Status: Boner city
Other thoughts: What's under the furry stuff, I wonder?
Note to self: Re-watch "Where Did I Come From?"

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Celebrity Intervention: Dane Cook

by Chase Mitchell January 04, 2008

Chase: Hi, I'm Chase Mitchell and this is the inaugural edition of my new project, "Celebrity Intervention." I want you all to please welcome my first-ever guest, Dane Cook. Mr. Cook, this is a big honor. Thank you so much for agreeing to be here.
Dane: What the fuck, man? You said this was for your school paper.
C: Dane, we need to have a serious talk. About your career.
D: (Turns to audience.) Well, before we get started, I was just in the back, and guess what someone did...
C: Please don't.
D: ...someone shit on the coats.
C: No they didn't.
D: SOMEONE shit on the coats.
C: You know, I actually thought this was funny, Dane, the first 324 times I hea--
D: Someone. SHIT. On the coats.
C: I get it, man.
D: Someone shit ON OR AROUND the coat AREA.
C: I'm gonna go grab a bottle of water really quick. I'll be back when you're finished.
D: ...someone shit...

(15 minutes later)
C: OK, Dane--
D: ...on the coats.
C: Can we move on now? Your career--
D: What about my career, pal? The Dane Train just had his best year EVER! Millions of new MySpace friends, a best-selling CD/DVD of my sold-out show at Madison Square Garden, a cavalcade of cinematic adventures...
C: Yeah I know, chief. You're everywhere. Ever heard of overexposure?
D: Listen here, gaylord...
C: Let's talk about that burgeoning movie career of yours for a second...
D: You got a problem with one of my cinematic adventures? That's what I call movies, by the way: cinematic adventures.
C: That's hilarious. Anyway, you were in "Employee of the Month," with Jessica Simpson. That piece of shit... it made me strangle my best friend, Dane. I'm serious. I watched it just to prepare for this intervention, and right in the middle of it I reached over and suffocated the life out of him with my bare hands. His name is Brian, and he's in a coma now. I thought his mother would never forgive me, but when I told her what happened she gave me a big hug and whispered, "I understand now."
D: Is there a question in here somewhere, or...?
C: Did you AT LEAST get some of Bam Margera's sloppy seconds out of the whole ordeal?
D: Can you use the word "debacle" instead of "ordeal"? Words with lots of syllables are funnier.
C: DID YOU??
D: ...No.
C: You starred alongside Jessica Alba in--
D: Look, can we just change the subject?
C: Has stardom helped you hook up with anyone, Dane?
D: ...Kevin Costner tongue-kissed me in my trailer on the set of "Mr. Brooks." Did you see that movie? I got fucking MURDERED with a SHOVEL.

C: I know. It's my favorite thing you've ever done. Let's move on. Why do you think you've been catching so much heat lately from fellow comedians like David Cross, Demetri Martin and Zach Galifianakis?
D: Honestly, bro? I think it's a combination of my surging popularity -- Did I mention I sold out Madison Square Garden? I sold out Madison Square Garden -- and my leading-man looks.
C: Really? Because I'm sitting two feet away and I gotta tell ya, Dane, I could land a goddamn lunar rover on one of your cheeks. It's crag city. Do you use the same acne medication as Ray Liotta?
D: I look fucking good.
C: Dane, don't. Look, truth be told, I used to be a pretty big fan of yours. But you've turned into the Nickelback of stand-up and I'm only trying to help you recover, OK? Now, I wanna talk for a minute about that logo...
D: SUFI?? Now he's got a problem with SUFI.
C: Comedians don't have logos, Dane. It's patently unfunny and incredibly egotistical. Who do you think you are, a fucking baseball team?
D: Hey, it's funny you mention that, actually, because I did ads for the playoffs this past season.
C: Nothing is funny about that, Dane. Nothing. Comedians who do commericials are practically unforgivable, UNLESS they've either earned it, like Seinfeld, or it's something halfway clever, like Gaffigan and Michael Ian Black in those Sierra Mist spots. You should be mocking baseball. Not shilling for it.
D: Can we wrap this up soon? I have a very itchy asshole...
C: Speaking of Louis C.K. jokes...
D: Look man, that joke was MINE. I had a VERY itchy asshole.
C: From hanging out with Kevin Costner?
D: You know what? This is bullshit. I came out here to chat-chit with a "college journalist," and you spring this intervention shit on me. I'm Dane-fucking-Cook. I sold out Madison Square Garden.
C: So did Andrew Dice Clay.
D: I wish I could print the Bible on you.
C: Pro-religion jokes are lame, Dane. Remember "Christ Chex"? Now that was funny.
D: I'm out of here. Gaylord.
C: You already used that one.
(Dane storms out.)
C: OK folks, well I guess that's it for my first "Celebrity Intervention". Maybe next time, we'll--
(Dane peeks back in.)
C: Did you need something else? What's wrong?
D: Someone shit on my coat.

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A Conversation With My Dying Father

by Chase Mitchell January 09, 2008

Dad: Son.
Me: Yes, Dad?
Dad: I am not long for this world.
Me: I know, Da-- Wait, what?
Dad: I am not long for this--
Me: No, I heard you... I just don't get it, I guess. What does that mean?
Dad: It means I'm dying, son.
Me: OK, so... why didn't you just say it like that?
Dad: It's just an expression.
Me: I've never heard it before.
Dad: Well, it is. Anyway, son, I--
Me: "I am not long for this world"? The phrasing just doesn't really make sense, you know? Doesn't really flow.
Dad: Chase, you are my first-born son and I love you. I want you to take good care of your brother and sister. You're the man of the hous--
Me: Sounds olden-timey, kind of, like something from a book or a movie. Are you sure you didn't get that from a movie?
Dad: Chase--
Me: What movie was that from? OH!! Wait... dammit... Gah, it's right on the tip of my tongue, you know? I hate that. It's like, I can picture the scene, but all the people have these weird blank faces -- like Elijah Wood did in that "Eternal Sunshine" movie -- because I can't remember which one it's in. Damn it. OK. That's officially going to bother me all day. ANYWAYYY, what were you saying? Dad?

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