New Year's Eve is almost upon us once again, which can mean only one thing - going out to all the sweet bars in your hometown with your sweet friends who you totally still like and didn't get really gay when they joined that totally sweet frat at [State] State Community. Sweet.

Well, if you're going to survive this night with no arrests or pregnancies or anything involving your anal cavity, you're going to need some advice. And not the advice your dad would give you (which I'll give 2 to 1 odds is "Why don't you stay home and play Scrabble with your little brother and I?"). So forget that crappy bar or party scene, because you're cool enough to do your own thing.

With this in mind, I present my fantasmagorical advice on how to rock out on New Year's Eve.

-Don't plan anything ahead of time
As I'm sure you know, you can't make a good time, it just has to happen. Therefore, you should make absolutely no plans to do anything on New Year's Eve until, at most, 20 minutes before you're ready to go out. If anyone asks you what you're doing on New Year's, scoff at them. If they asked why you scoffed at them, fight them. Trust me, he or she (preferably she...you want to win the fight, don't you?) will be grateful for having their eyes opened. If anyone invites you to a party, like your best friend Evan for example, tell him you had sex with his little sister when you were home last summer. Expound at length on the benefits derived from date-raping high school freshmen. You'll show that party-having bastard.

-Be too drunk to function by 9 pm at the latest
I recommend shots of vodka chased with shots of whiskey chased with Natty Lite. Everyone knows the point of New Years is to get blasted, so obviously the only way you will have more fun than anyone else is if you're more drunk than anyone else. See where I'm going with this? You should not remember anything past 10 pm. If you do, you are a loser, and I can't help you. Just go. And don't you dare get your parking validated on my fucking dime on your way out, you fucking gypsy. (Ed note: Sorry gypsies. Do gypsies have computers? Whatever, sorry, maybe.)

-Call your friends
Try your ex-girlfriend first. Drunkenly slur something about getting back together because you love her sooooo much, and inquire as to her whereabouts. She will yell something about being at her school for the night and then something about offering to hang out with you earlier that week and you slapping her around. Hang up, this isn't going to be pretty. Move on to your friend, who is most likely named Dave. He never went to school, but he does have a pretty boss job as a garbageman for the city (the word "boss" is now back in). He will invite you to come hang out at the tattoo parlor with a couple of guys from work. Grab your bottle(s) and get in the car. Keep your thumbs at 10 and 2 on the wheel and you'll get there fine.

-???
You'll wake up alone in an alley fifteen blocks from where you may or may not have killed a dog and then ran into a telephone pole. You will be covered in vomit and blood that isn't yours. Panic. Run the six miles back to your parent's house, take a shower and hide under the covers. Ask your dad to go get your car for you; give him the best directions you can, which will leave him a small 30-block area to search. Promise to play Scrabble that night in exchange. Pray.

-Lie
To everyone. Lie to your friends about how much fun you had, lie to your parents about how responsible you were, lie to the cops about that dog (which turned out to be a seeing-eye dog donated to a poor blind man by a charity, but he was a mutt, so no big loss). Admit nothing to anybody and hide in your room until you go back to school. Next, lie to your school friends. You may have to lie to school officials as well; accuse them of being racist and hating you because you're black, even though you're German-Irish. Nosy racists.

Great! Now nobody can tell you you didn't have the best New Year's Eve ever. Take some time to recover so you can ride this rollercoaster of fun next year. Heh. More like BONE rollercoaster of fun, am I right? I'm so right.

Let's face it. There are certain jokes that were funny or clever when they were thought up, but just get old after a few years of overuse and deadpan abuse (I'm a poet and I didn't even...you get the idea). Some of the most recent visitors to Joke Hell:

"I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk! Alcoholics go to meetings!"
Yeah, like my dad? You bitch. Have you ever been to an AA meeting? Have you ever even been drunk, or do you just like to drink two vodka tonics on Thursdays at Club Whorebag as an excuse to fuck that greasy guido who's been rubbing his erection on your ass for the past hour and a half?
I'm starting a petition to build a lake around your sorority house, and call it Whore Island. Don't worry, you'll get off soon. I'll start a petition to build a ferry just as soon as I feel like contracting HPV from you.

Carlos Mencia
"But wait," you might be saying. "I thought these jokes were supposed to have been funny at first, as opposed to never. He's always just been a racist who's been trying to make bank off the successful TV show model popularized by Dave Chappelle. Also, I don't know that a man can also be a joke." That might be a good point. I might respond with a reasonable argument such as: fuck you, who's writing this article? You or me? That's right bitch. Now go make me a grilled cheese. With some mustard. Mmm.

"You're the man now dog!"
Sweet website. Really, it's entertaining, user-driven, constantly updated...everything we expect from a great modern website.
That said, if one more parroting illegitimate bastard yells that phrase at his ultimate frisbee teammate after a touchdown, or goal, or whatever the fuck it is they score in ultimate frisbee (Can you score? Maybe the winner is just whoever is still high by the end of the game, which sounds like fun to me) I'm going to kill him. I'm going to murder his ass in cold blood because he's an idiot and I hate him and I wish daddy hadn't hit me.

"I'm failing school because of facebook!"
No you're not. You're failing college because of one of several scenarios. 1) You're just an idiot. Sorry. 2) You smoke pot. Every day. For breakfast. 3) Your ADD-addled brain is so used to not concentrating on anything for more than five seconds that you actually do check facebook every twelve minutes... but if it weren't for facebook you'd probably just be looking to see if there's an update on your favorite dog fetish site. Go ahead, thank facebook for making sure the FBI hasn't broken through your door yet.

Anything pertaining to Sexy or the fact that it is apparently "Back"
Do I really have to convince you of this? I mean, you've got to be sick of it too by now. You have to be. Right?

So you've finally figured out why the hottie in your calc class won't come study in your dorm room.

It's not because of your acne, lack of personality, her chest puppies the size of her head, or because she's dating a med school student who can afford to take her somewhere besides Taco Ardiente. The awesomeness of Taco Ardiente not withstanding, all of these facts would seemingly put you at a disadvantage, but no.

No, the reason she's not interested in you is because your muscles aren't big enough. It's time to get pumped up, work your gluts, bench press, military press, penis press, toddler press, stretch your triceps and punch yourself in the stomach to make your abs like rocks (instructions can be found online, maybe).
Once you're a diesel, that dumb slut will be on her knees faster than you can say "shrunken testicles."

With this in mind, I've developed a workout plan for you, with explanations for each exercise. Do this every single day. Rest is your enemy. If you feel like you're dying and can't move any of your muscles, that means you're doing it right.

-Dead Lift: Bend down at the waist to pick up a bar that has more weight than you think is safe or reasonable on it. Make sure your back is arched and your knees are locked. Tie your hands to the bar and you're ready to go. Jerk up as fast as you can using the muscles in your lower back. If you can get it off the ground that means you're not a big pussy; you should lift the bar over your head, then throw it at least ten feet. Remember to keep your knees locked.

-Military Press: Find a ROTC student in your campus gym. This will be the guy that looks like he knows what he's doing and isn't staring at himself in the mirror nearly as much as everybody else. He will also being a shirt that will subtly indicate his association with the US military, such as "MARINES, MOTHERFUCKERS." Start a fight with him. If you live, you will be stronger. Or crippled. Did I say stronger?

-Running: Aerobic exercise is important to burn fat. Run until you pass out and wake up in an ambulance. Once at the hospital, tear out your IV and sprint home, or at least as close to home as you can get before you pass out and you have to get picked up by an ambulance again. Rinse and repeat.

-Leg Press: Do Leg Presses on the machine that was built for it. Alternatively, kick baby strollers you see on the street.

These are all of the exercises you need to do for a mere 1-2 years in order to be able to seduce/forcibly rape any young lady you want! Enjoy!

Hey, you! How are you? Great, great. Yeah, I'm doing great, just heading over to the gym to work on the guns. Haha, yeah I know it hasn't been cool to call my arms guns since before we were born, I was just kidding.

...So how are things at your school? Different from here at home? What's that about your new boyfriend? Oh, I thought you were still dating Dave. I mean, you two dated for all of high school, thereby eliminating any chance that any of the other guys at school had of feeding you three Smirnoffs then feeling your tits. What? I don't think I said anything out loud. You must be hearing things. I just remember thinking you two better get married or else I'd kill him. Haha!

So I see you're even hotter than you used to be!
...Yeah you're right, that was a weird thing to say. We never really talked much back in high school, huh.

But hey, at least I got to spank it to you a lot, right? Haha! ...Where are you going?
Wait, I was just kidding, sort of.

So how is that cockblocking son of a bitch Dave? I never did get a chance to run him over with my car.
Where could you possibly have to go? You can't be in this big of a hurry. Fine, go, you bitch! You don't know what you're missing!

...Whatever, at least I got to refresh my spank bank memory. I better get home so I can wax my weinermobile.

I go home today after completing my first semester of college, and boy do I have some things to brag to my mom about. She's going to be so proud of me, that I will tell you the top 5 things I have done in my short time in college.

5)Became part of a man sandwich at a local club on a Saturday night. That's right mom, not only can I handle grinding extremely sexually on one guy, I can take on him and his friend as they pretend to gang bang me. Yeah I doubt those kids who study all the time can do that.

4)Written every paper I have had due the day of/before they were due. So what I had the syllabus in August and have had weeks to do the project, I research and wrote entire papers in one day. Though my proudest moment may be the book report that I wrote in about 4 hours, at the same time I read the book. Yeah, I got a B on it, but a B in college is pretty much like an A+++ in high school.

3)I have more facebook friends than most of my high school friends. Yeah, you heard me, people like me. I even hang out with some of them in my spare time. You know that time I have between napping, eating, and updating my profile on facebook. How do you think I got all those friends, not through meaningless chit-chat. They like me because of my witty quotes and the fact that I have good taste in music, like Billy Joel.

2)I got herpes. JUST KIDDING, that's why you're gonna be proud of me. I've gone an entire semester without getting an STD or pregnant, that's pretty amazing. Do you know how many college kids have tons of unprotected sex and get gonorrhea? Yeah I don't know the numbers either, but it's a bunch, and I'm not one of them.

1)This one is pretty big, so you may want to sit down on the couch. I beat this game on college humor, where you have to beat all 50 games with only 4 seconds each. Yeah I know it seems dumb, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. It's taken me weeks to master, that may be why my math grade is so low, but I'm majoring in journalism, I won't ever need to be able to add and stuff. But the hand-eye coordination and dexterity I have gained from beating four second frenzy will last me a lifetime.

So mom, crack open a bottle of tequila (that's all I drink now, that's another cool thing about me, I don't drink beer. I'm above that.) and welcome me home.