Ok everyone, settle down. Sully, there’s one more chair in the back room if you want to bring it in. I’ll wait. Ok, are all you ladies nice and comfy now? Now listen up. I don’t like doing this any more than you ladies like listening to it, but I’m gonna get written up if I don’t do it. So you’d better listen up good, because I’m only doing it once. We’ve gotten some complaints from customers, and the stuffed shirts in Wichita have so graciously decided that I have to give a little speech about how to treat a lady. No wisecracks, Sully. I’m sure Mrs. Sullivan would like you to hear this too.

I'm glad the department decided to go with my suggestion of supplying the detectives with an assortment of bag sizes. I mean, I bet you were getting as tired as I was of using a whole quart-size baggie just to put one little shell casing in! And at the same time, those gallon-sized ones really come in handy sometimes. I can't tell you how many times I stained my slacks when bloody icepicks burst through the seams of the quart bags and fell right on my lap! The gallon bags are nice and roomy.

The Caesar? Are you certain? No, of course it's a good choice sir. Everyone just loves the Caesar Salad. I mean how could you not like that lettuce and those croutons and that dressing. May I ask, sir, that you at least consider the house salad? It is oh-so-often overlooked by many a distinguished patron such as yourself. Now, I don't blame you, sir, for naturally gravitating towards the Caesar. In many a restaurant it is the clear choice. The so-called "house" salad at those restaruants is nothing but a shank of iceburg with a pitiful smattering of unripe tomato and two, maybe three, ringlets of flavorless white onion, all drowning in industrial-strength Italian dressing. Sure, in those restaurants the Caesar is truly emperor of the salad. But, please understand sir, that in the land of the blind, even a retard can be emperor. Here, sir, it is different.
You look like a man with discerning tastes. I can tell by your Tommy Bahama silk shirt and your attractive wife. I beg your pardon, sir. Attractive sister. At any rate, you are clearly a man who appreciates the finer things in life, and while our Caesar salad is indeed delicious, for the sake of the underdog, please permit me to at least give the house salad a fair trial.
First, we use two types of lettuce: Iceburg and Bibb lettuce. The latter has a loose buttery texture that compliments the crispness of the iceburg. Perhaps you've been to the grocery store, sir, and seen the flavorless abominations of fruit known as "salad tomatoes?" Well, sir, I assure you the tomatoes in our house salad are not of such simplistic garden variety. Ours are heirloom Roma tomatoes grown by local farmers who deliver them fresh every hour. The utmost care goes into slicing them. I assure you we are not like those butchers over at Red Lobster. Our onions do not spring from humble origins, either. We use a variety known as the Russian Red. Its mellow spice and savory aroma makes those tearjerking yellow onions look like a pack of sluts.
And do you know what truly sets our house salad apart, sir? Olives. Delicious black olives. Nothing fancy, you know, that's what the tomatoes are for. These olives are plump and scrumptious, just like they should be.
But the clencher, sir, the pièce de résistance, is without a doubt our dressing. We have devised a sublime emulsion of vinegarette and aioli that would make the richest kings of Europe stab their mothers from sheer culinary pleasure. Not too light, not too powerful, this dressing serves as the flagship for our entire restaurant. Not even our peanut satay swordfish steak tops our house salad dressing in exultance at this establishment, sir. Sir, the formidable Paul Newman has called every day for six weeks begging for this very dressing recipe, but we wouldn't sell it for even a million dollars, sir. That's how much we care.
So what do you say, sir? Have I persuaded you? Care to give it a try?
I see. Allergies. Very well, then. The Caesar is a terrific choice, sir. I'll get that right out to you.

So I learned a valuable lesson a few days ago.  I was walking my dog one morning and what did I find?  A baby bird being slapped around like a ball.  I quickly recovered the poor thing.  As I held the poor shivering bird in my hand I tried to think of what to do with it.  At first I thought of raising the poor thing, but it was too small for me to raise it.  How would I care for it?  No I thought no matter how much I wanted to keep the bird it was better off with its mom.  As I looked down at it with its big brown eyes, I realized even though it look like a mix between golem from lord of the rings and tweety bird it was so ugly it was cute. It immediately started singing and opening its mouth for food, so while I fed it carefully some milk through a dropper, I thought of a plan.  First I tried to locate the nest, but couldn't find it.  So I Placed  the bird high into the tree on an improvised nest, while going out to buy something to make a birdhouse.

Price of towel - nothing already had one
Price of ladder - nothing already had one
Price of hanging basket - 20 dollars
Price of nice soft moss - 3 dollars

Price of rescuing a baby bird from a cat then later coming back to find the bird missing with only a bit of dropping left.  well just plain sad.

Price of coming to the realization that I just spent a better part of a day and 23 dollars plus tax on a bird that ended up dead anyways and how much of an idiot I was to put the stupid thing back up in the damn tree.... priceless

Dude, you were totally right.  Nothing beats the new OBNOXIOUS PRODUCT. I picked it up the other day and haven't put it down since. OBNOXIOUS PRODUCT is so much better than iPod or Starbucks and even let's me TRACK THOSE WHO VISIT MY PAGE! 

I even recommended it to my best bud, Larry. You met him once - he was at that party. Anyway, he said you can get OBNOXIOUS PRODUCT at an even greater discount. Just visit OBSCURE FOREIGN WEBSITE! You know what they say, "Too much of a good thing is a great thing!" LOL!

Oh, and I almost forgot, I have still have those USELESS GIFTCARDS if you want them.

Later dude.

hockey triumph lead K457826