"No amount of water can replenish all that I am sweating right now."

"Clothes were a mistake."

"Maybe the skin cancer will take my life...right now. No? Damn."

"You think there might really be a pool on the roof of the school?"

"Is that a water fountain? No, it's just another mirage."

"Now I know how Moses felt, that poor bastard."

"Is that Fievel? No, just another mirage...Hi, mirage of Fievel."

"I think my jeans are fusing to my body."

"Life is not worth it."

"Mmmh...it smells like BBQ...it's probably me."

I started reading the bible yesterday. Random, I know, but it's something I've always wanted to do. And I gotta say, that is one crafty piece of literature, a little convoluted at times, but mostly really fun. Anyway I wanna take a moment to talk a little bit about god. I'm not very religious but I guess, occasionally, I have faith. And I've always thought of god (when i do think of him) as being a forgiving, merciful all knowing entity. Dude, I was wrong. God is a fucking prick and he does not play. I now picture god as Samuel Jackson, smiting people left and right, making it rain sulfur and fire as he pleases. Apparently, this man is not impervious to the seven deadly sins and since he can't exactly get laid, he's a little trigger happy. I thought I knew the story of Noah's ark. Apparently, I had missed the fact that the reason he told Noah to build an ark in the first place was because he was pissed at everyone and he planned to drown them all. These are not the actions of someone noble or kind; they're not even really the actions of somebody sane. It's no wonder good Christian folk fear god. If I had known his true colors all along, I'd be fucking freaked too. He's gonna kick down my door, make me barren and make it rain fire on them hoes (and other sinners)!

And now I'm thinking, all those times that I had a bad day and I thought jokingly, "God hates me." It's probably true. And it's not just me, he hates all of us! But maybe not, maybe I haven't gotten to the part in the bible where he becomes a reformed sinner.

In related musings, people will believe anything. All things considered, if you have to base centuries of religious persecution and war on anything, I guess the bible is a pretty good contender. If nothing else, for sheer intricacy. At least it's not whatever fantasy book Scientology was based on, but still, not something humanity should be proud of. I'm willing to bet my life that in a couple thousand years, Harry Potter will have spawned a religion. God knows there are plenty of assholes now who think Hogwarts really exists. And thanks to the power of the internet, I'm here to tell the people of the future, that witchcraft and wizardry is not real. If you’re living in the year 3575 and you're praying to Potter every night, you need to kill yourself.

In even more related thoughts, I totally need to start my own religion. I just have to write a witty fable and people will be sacrificing delicious animals to me in no time. Mmh, ribs.

Fuck! I just ran out of ink and I have a paper due in 3 hours! God hates me.

Ah, the summer. All sun and games. No responsibility and no school. By now you're probably already sick of your parents and your job as a camp counselor which is lucky for you, because school is just around the corner. And now that summer is coming to an end, here are some tips to make your transition back as smooth as possible.

1. What better way to end the summer than with a party? Throw a nice big going away bash for yourself and invite the 3 remaining high school friends that still live in your hometown. Maybe this will be the last hoorah before you unceremoniously lose touch. You can only hope.

2. Eat as many home-cooked meals as you can. Sure, Chalupas are awesome, but do yourself a favor and hold off on the Taco Bell for another week. You'll be glad you did when you realize you won't be having mom's pot roast again until Thanksgiving break.

3. Don't take your tan for granted because in 3 weeks it will have faded. Some things you can do to extend your tan's life include: playing volleyball, swimming or running in the afternoons. Since none of that is going to happen, you'll just have to be prepared to return to your standard shade of milky white.

4. Delete your summer fling's number from your phone. Lets be honest, you don't really want to hear from her and she doesn't really want to hear from you. You have nothing in common except sex on the beach and now there's no beach and you're too far away to have sex.

5. Your classes are going to suck like they do every semester no matter how excited you are about Human Sexuality. If you already have low expectations, you can't be disappointed.

6. Sleeping is always better than going to class. Make sure to schedule the classes you can skip around the same time you'll be needing a nap every day. A little planning goes a long way. You'll remember this when you're sleeping through Psychology 101 the day after your 21st birthday party.

7. There's a pretty good chance you're going to hate your new roommate. When the shit hits the fan, don't get bent out of shape over it. Just drop his toothbrush in the toilet and you'll feel better. That's what he gets for thinking he can eat all your turkey, that bastard.

8. Keep your toothbrush and utensils under lock and key because he's going to want payback. Your loofah too.

9. And finally, and most importantly, caffeine reduces the chance of liver damage after a night of heavy drinking.* So, bottoms up!

And with that I leave you. If you're wise enough to remember these, you will surely have an awesome semester. Chug! Chug! Chug!

*This is not proven by any experts, medical or otherwise. In all honesty, it's probably completely untrue.

::opening up Facebook::
Girl 1: Who's this poke from?
Girl 2: Remember that guy from the Thanksgiving party that I made out with?
Girl 1: That was months ago. You still talk to him?
Girl 2: Not really, but he pokes me all the time.
Girl 1: Do you like him?
Girl 2: God, no. He's extremely boring.
Girl 1: Then why are you still poking him?
Girl 2: Well, I wanna have the last poke.

....2 months later...
Girl 2: So I hung out with that kid from Facebook the other day.
Girl 1: Thanksgiving party guy?
Girl 2: Yeah.
Girl 1: I thought he sucked.
Girl 2: He does, but I was bored.
Girl 1: So did he try anything?
Girl 2: Oh yeah, we had sex.
Girl 1: Nice. Are you going to hang out with him again?
Girl 2: No, I hate him. He has NO personality. No amount of sex is worth dealing with that.
Girl 1: That sucks...I can't believe all that poking paid off.

...1 week later...
Girl 1: So have you talked to that guy again?
Girl 2: No, but he poked me the other day.
Girl 1: Was that the first time since you slept with him.
Girl 2: Yeah. I was kinda dreading that poke because I never really wanna talk to him again but at the same time I was relieved, cause now I know he still wants me.
Girl 1: I love how that's the modern day equivalent to the call after sex.
Girl 2: Poking? Definitely!

...2 weeks later...
Girl 2: Ok, this guy really pissed me off.
Girl 1: What did he do?
Girl 2: He woke me up at 6 in morning yesterday!
Girl 1: What did he want?
Girl 2: I didn't pick up but he left a message saying we should hang out or something. You don't understand. I already don't really like him and then he goes and wakes me up?! That is a cardinal sin punishable by a thousand years of no laying.
Girl 1: So I take it you won't be calling him back.
Girl 2: Hell no.

...3 weeks after that...
::facebooking once again::
Girl 1: I cannot believe you're still poking him.
Girl 2: Oh, I'm not. He called me like six more times, each message more pathetic than the last. I never called back and I blocked him on AIM.
Girl 1: Then why is his poke still there?
Girl 2: Because if I remove it, he can poke me again. But if I leave it there when he tries, it'll just say "This user has not received your last poke." And I'm hoping he thinks I died.
Girl 1: Good plan.

The One With the C Section

The One With the Dirty Diaper

The One With the Braces

The One With the Alcoholic Father

The One Where the Dog Gets Sent to Live in a Farm

The One With the First Day of High School

The One With All the Marijuana

The One With the Night in Jail

The One With All the Keg Stands

The One With the Beer Pong Incident

The One With the College Graduation

Her: I guess I'll go upstairs with this guy. The keg is tapped anyway.
His: Oh yeah, I'm gonna get some!!
...
Her: Watch a movie? Is this guy kidding? I thought I was coming up here to get sloppily groped.
His: Yeah, gotta ease into it. This will get her revved up.
Her: Ghost Rider? This was a mistake.
...
His: Alright, buddy, time to make your move. It's now or never.
Her: Oh, thank God. I thought I was actually gonna have to sit through this. At least he's a good kisser. Things are looking up.

His: Alright let's go for some under the shirt action...Yes...Under the bra? Touchdown!
Her: Gross, his hands are sweaty.
His: This is awesome....and she's not even passed out.
Her: I wish I was more drunk.
...
Her: I like dry humping as much as the next person but lets get this show on the road. I have class in the morning.
His: She totally wants it.
...
His: If I busy myself with my belt, she'll undo the bra herself.
Her: He's obviously trying to avoid fumbling with the bra. How long can a person spend taking off his pants?
His: How long can I keep playing with this buckle?! ...Phew, crisis averted.
Her: Idiot.

His: Oh yeah...
Her: On second thought, this movie's not that bad.
His: I hope she doesn't think I'm grunting too much.

His: I wonder if she's drunk enough for....
Her: That is not happening! Get your finger out of there!
His: Didn't think so.
Her: Maybe I shouldn't have slapped him so hard.
...
His: I'm getting tired.
Her: This guy is like sweating Natty Light.
His: I wonder if she's ready to finish.
Her: This is going nowhere fast.
His: Oh, she's coming, alright.
Her: Damn, I'm good.

His: Ohhhhhh yeaaaahhh!!
Her: That is a face only a mother could love.
His: That was amazing. I am God's gift to women.
Her: I've had better.

His: I'm still never gonna call you, sweetheart.
Her: This guy should die in a fire....I wonder what my ex is up to.

Real World	World on Acid
playground	Superhero Land at Islands of Adventures
mirror	an impostor from another universe
7/11	a rave
a rave	a seizure
the shadow of a 60W light bulb	the Aurora Borealis
your best friend	Satan
ordinary wooden door	the beating heart of God
your beloved dog, Skip	the 3rd horseman of the apocalypse
the real world	Grand Theft Auto

5. Taking a nice group picture only to realize there's a random creepy guy smiling next to your best friend.

4. Trying to get everyone to pose for a group picture and realizing when they finally begrudgingly do, that you had it set to video, not picture. The result is a comical 5 second clip of everyone cursing at you.

3. Same scenario a few years ago except instead of the wrong setting, you forgot to wind the camera. You can almost hear the collective "Aww, c'mon, man!" from the crowd.

2. Someone hands you a digital camera and asks you to take a picture. You put the camera up to your face to look through the lens. Then remembering it has a screen, you adjust yourself while everyone looks politely on. They don't say anything but they judge you silently and harshly.

1. Having your parents stumble upon your camera after a night of heavy drinking and strip poker.

Very special thanks to this guy for his sweet artistic skills.