It seems that every time I log onto Facebook (admittedly too often), there is always something/someone new there to piss me off.  Over time some recurring themes become apparent. I've been mentally compiling a list of grievances regarding these Facebook faux paus. Here are a few that immediately come to mind:

 

• Guys with profile pictures where it's obviously them alone in the bathroom holding a camera at arms-length.  From now on, only do this if you're willing to tattoo "douchebag" to your forehead.

 

• People who put up someone/something other than themselves as their profile picture.  What a weak charade.  Anyone who's belonged to Facebook for more than a day will immediately realize that you must look like a horse's ass. 

("Hey look guys, I have "The Dude" from The Big Lebowski as my main Facebook pic LOL." 

 

"You don't even like that movie, man.  You just have that picture up because you're ugly as sin." 

 

"Shut the Fuck Up!")

 

• You insist on putting up excessive pictures of yourself funneling beer or doing kegstands, so that you can show all the people who made fun of you in high school how cool you are now that you're in college.

 

• People who make those queer "fishy faces" where they pucker their lips together and suck in their cheeks.  The hidden rationale behind this is that it reduces the surface area of the face and temporarily veils your ugliness.  Chicks do this enough as it is, but if you're a guy and you have pictures like this anywhere but hidden in a safety deposity box in Yemen, you should be dragged out behind a barn, shot in both kneecaps, then left to die from the blood loss.

 

• Fat/ugly chicks who have perfected the art of posing for pictures at weird angles, once again in an attempt to veil their hideousness.  Smell the Folgers, bitch, you're not fooling anyone.  If you wildebeests keep acting up like this we're going to have to round you all up so we can start exhibiting you in zoos.

 

• Dumbasses who respond to a post someone wrote under one of their photos, as another post under that same photo, with the intention of initiating a conversation, but apparently no realization that the other person will never look at that photo again and thus never receive the message. 

("Wow, lookin' good, John."  

 

"Thanks, Becki, you goin' to the toga party Saturday?")

 

• People who create/join inane facebook groups, ie. Biggest Group EVER (there are over 30 million of these now), Derek Zoolander's School For Kids Who Can't Read Good, Stephen Colbert For President, If 10,000 people join this group I'll put a gerbil in my ass, etc.

 

• Overzealous guys who worship their school's athletes (usually football stars) to the point of supplication.  ("34 touchdowns baby, EAT IT!  Heisman Baby HERE WE COME! Oh Jamal Jackson you are so awesomeIloveyouIwannablowyouyou'resomuchbetterthanmeI'mscum I'mluckytobreatheyourairyou'reGodIwillsacrificemyfirstborninyourh-onor")  Dude, do you really have such little self worth that you must spend your time praising another man?  You fucking asshole.

 

• People who add their school's athletes as friends, without actually knowing them. ATTENTION SHITHEADS: They have no fucking idea who you are, and they don't give a shit about you. You are a foot-and-a-half shorter than they are, and you actually have to work for your grades.  They fucking pity you.

 

• You write "Best Picture EVER" as a post on a photo.  Please shut the fuck up.  You know that Vietnam War photo where the quivering Vietcong has a gun to his head and is about to get executed in an open street?  THAT'S the best picture ever.  Or possibly "Goatse".  But that picture of your friend holding his chin in mock contemplation while doing the fishy face and raising one eyebrow is the gayest shit I've seen in years.  I hate you.

After reading about some douche-nozzle on this site write about how he doesn't like certain dudes at the gym, I figured I'd hetero up his idea. This is a list of general people at/around my campus who get on my motherfucking nerves.

1. Guy In Nothing But School Colors-
Alright asshole. We get it. You like the fucking gators. Me fucking too. Sweet Orange and blue hat, orange and blue windbreaker, orange and blue sweatpants, orange and blue tennis shoes.. The only reason people wear clothes like that on campus is because THEY ARE FOOTBALL PLAYERS. And judging from your 5'7'', Buck-Thirty frame, if you had to have been an athelete, you'd probably be a gymnast. Be proud, twerp. At least you're on a top ten team.

2. Miss I Have Something To Say And Everyone Should Listen To Me,
YOU are a poly sci major and never have anything interesting to say. You just blabber about complete nonsense and regurgitate exactly what your uber-leftwing hippy government teacher told you. Nonetheless, all of your mindnumbingly stupid comments about what you think or believe actually really suck. By asking stupid fucking questions and blathering on like a moron, you think that the Professor will give you an A for participation, but guess what... Unless you suck his dick, all you're getting is on my fucking nerves.

3. Mr. I Go To The Gym AND The Tanning Bed,
Some people got the memo that flat brim caps and abercrombie and fitch skin tight clothes aren't cool. You apparantly didn't. You look stupid. Like a stupid carrot wearing ridiculously queer graphic tees. I hope you drown in a pool full of hair gel.

4. Girls With Big Sunglasses,
I think you look silly. That is all.

5. Mr. Anti Christian Atheist Physics Professor,
Thanks for letting me miss class to see my family on Good Friday, Dick. They did drive all the way down from Virginia and it was the first time I could've seen my sister's new baby daughter. I hope you enjoy drinking coffee all alone in the student union every day after class. It seems that you'll be spending a lot of time doing that considering NO ONE WILL EVER FUCKING LOVE YOU.

6. Miss My Ex Girlfriend,
Thanks for avoiding me whenever we see each other. Dumping you felt almost as good as scratching the rash you left me. Yeah, I'd have a pretty tough time looking at me, too, considering before we met, my dick didn't look like a fucking raw hamburger patty.

7. Mr President Of Our University,
I'm 20 years old and you cannot stop me from getting drunk and disrupting classes that I'm not enrolled in. I have almost completed my goal of smoking pot in every building on campus. You look like an evil villian, hellbent on world domination. Also, your wife is a fat mormon bitch, and I hope you learn to shut the fuck up soon and stop trying to ruin my fun, Dr. Demento.

8. Gingers,
::Shudder::

9. Guy Who Takes Student Government WAY Too Seriously,
In ten years, no one will remember that you were The Chair of a Subcommittee that lobbied the state government to build an endangered owl preserve in the middle of fucking nowhere off campus. You are as just as big of a waste as the entire Student Government System. Nothing you do here will ever matter, and no one gives a fuck about you.

10. Arabs Who Try To Get Me To Join Their Terror Groups Just Because I Have A Beard,
I'm a fucking French Irish Protestant. I have olive skin. I have a beard. Just because I have dark hair doesn't mean I want to join your fruity little terror network. Stop handing me fucking flyers and Korans when you see me accross campus, and get yourselves real fucking jobs at any gas stations that your parents or cousins work at.. you camel fucking towel head Haji bastard motherfucker.

"If you don't know who I am yet, you've been living under a fucking rock!"  So claimed Carlos Mencia in a commercial for his Comedy Central show, Mind of Mencia, and no quote more perfectly encapsulates the unabashed hubris that makes him so easy to hate.  Not only was it disgustingly shameless, it was completely unwarranted.  Mind of Mencia, which was added to Comedy Central's lineup in summer 2005 to fill the void left by Chappelle's Show, received mediocre ratings throughout the entirety of its first season.  Still, Mencia insisted that he was the edgy, biting voice America needed.  And as Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's Propaganda Minister, once said, "If you tell a lie big enough and continue to repeat it, people will eventually come to believe it."

Since then, Mind of Mencia has risen to the second-highest rated show on Comedy Central, bitter evidence of how stupid the mass of Americans really are.  It ranks slightly behind South Park, a laughable juxtaposition comparable to pitting Stephen Hawking against Vince Carter in a dunk contest.  Mencia, who likes to call himself "The Punisher", fancies himself a groundbreaking social satirist.  He will have you believe he serves up an in-your-face, everyone's-thinking-it-I'm-the-only-one-who's-got-the-balls-to-say-it style of commentary, most of it focusing on race.  But in order to ingratiate himself with everyone, he takes care to follow a distinct formula of "egalitarian racism" in which he makes pokes fun at all ethnicities, not the least being his own (apparently Comedy Central gives him a cookie every time he uses the word "beaner", which would also explain his rotund features).  Often at the end of his show, Mencia will even tie it altogether with a heartfelt, cliché-ridden plea for the world to just get along or to adopt the ability to laugh at oneself, mechanically prompting the audience's applause.  I just threw up a little inside my mouth.

Mencia's fans claim that his appeal lies in his glorious absence of political correctness. He's not afraid of what's deemed proper and just speaks his mind, ergo his show's title. He's a progressive vigilante whose genius is that he uses to racism as a way shed light on its inanity. And the only reason people don't like him is because he's just too controversial and offensive. Mencia's "hard-hitting" style of humor is just too edgy for some people to handle.

Anti-Mencians (read: everybody with an IQ higher than seaweed) have also made themselves heard.  Probably the most popular claim among Mencia's dissenters is that he steals jokes.  Investigators have unearthed what they find to be uncanny resemblances between Mencia's act and those of other comics, including Bill Cosby, Sam Kinison, and D.L. Hughley.  Back in February, fellow comic Joe Rogan confronted him on stage during one of Mencia's gigs at the Comedy Store in Hollywood.  A video of their fired exchange was posted on Rogan's website and soon widely disseminated on YouTube.  In the video, Rogan calls Mencia out in front of his own audience, listing off several instances of thievery from various comics, and even reveals Mencia's real name, Ned Holness.  As Rogan pulls the wool from over the audience's eyes, their collective hooting and mumbling, initially in support of Mencia, moves over to his side.  Throughout the lambasting, which lasts nearly ten minutes, Mencia, with all the wit you'd expect from an angsty seventh-grader, can come up with no better retort than to repeatedly call Rogan a "little bitch".

Apparently Rogan was just the bugle boy for a sentiment that had long been festering in comedic circles.  Other comics who have since voiced their Mencia-hate are Jimmy Kimmel, Ari Shaffir, and Bobby Lee. Fellow Latino comic George Lopez even punched Mencia in the face backstage at another LA comedy club.  In the world of stand-up comedy, Carlos Mencia is the annoying kid with no friends who still somehow found a way to the party.

The reason I hate Carlos Mencia is not because he is overly offensive or tactless.  And in perfect fairness, I don't particularly agree that he steals jokes.  Realistically, when hundreds of comedians are tackling broad issues like marriage, race, sex, or politics, there is likely to be some overlap.  No, my disdain for Mencia is much simpler than that. Carlos Mencia fails to live up to the single requirement that his occupation entails--he is not funny.  He is the worst thing to happen to American entertainment since MTV, and his rise to fame is one of the most disturbing occurrences of this decade.

Let me just spell this out.  If we were to plot the entire spectrum of stand-up comedy linearly, at the high end would be such greats as Jim Gaffigan, Louis CK, and Mitch Hedberg: these men can spew nothing but hilarity.  Somewhere around the middle you'd find the likes of Jeff Foxworthy, Lewis Black, and Dave Attell: hit-or-miss acts who should nonetheless allay the frustrations of any channel-surfer.  Near the bottom, you'd find Carrot Top, Dane Cook (yes, fellow 18-24 year olds, Cook is horrible, but that's an entirely different rant) and Larry The Cable Guy, none of whom should have advanced beyond gigs on cruise ships.  At the absolute nadir, ranking slightly below watching your own mother get gang-raped by the entire Dallas Cowboys offensive line, would be Carlos Mencia.

One of the major arguments in favor of racism is that it is predicated on stereotypes that are mostly true. Carlos would likely agree. In fact, his show hinges on this idea.  However, in its worst form, hate can be entirely misdirected.  A series of unfortunate events, an inordinate amount of press coverage, or even one bad apple, can ruin it for an entire people (see the demonization of Arabs post-9/11 or your Klan chapter induction a week after you lost your starting point-guard spot to Jamaal).  In this vein, Carlos Mencia has unfortunately given many less-worldly Americans a new reason to hate Mexicans.

Meanwhile, Mencia's fame continues to grow.  He had a role in last year's Ben Stiller comedy The Heartbreak Kid, playing a Mexican who smuggles illegals into America, which I'm sure he had a field day with.  In addition, the fourth season of his show premieres this week.  He will, of course, be doing what he does best, hopping on the easiest racial jokes possible, riding them to death, then simultaneously defecating and vomiting on their carcasses.  And viewers will love him for it.  In the meantime, there will be a special place down in hell reserved for Carlos Mencia, right near Lil John and Abercrombie & Fitch.

Please, if you happen to overhear somebody openly identify themselves as a Carlos Mencia fan, do humanity a favor and immediately punch that person in the throat.